Just roll with it.
“Ok, everypo-everyone,” Spike said with a sideways glance at Discord, “The dragon uses its breath weapon. Roll to dodge.”
There was a clatter of dice and some general grumbles around the table.
“13,” Shining admitted woefully.
“20,” said Big Mac.
“Whoa, natural?” asked Spike, leaning over his GM’s shield.
“No, total.”
“Oh.”
“I’m immune to fire,” said Schadenfreude.
The entire table turned to look at him all at once. “You,” said Shining, “Are not. Immune. To fire.”
“Yeah-huh,” argued Schaden.
Spike held out a claw. “Lemme see that.” Schaden hoofed over his character sheet, and their GM read it for a careful second. “Yup, it checks out. Immune to fire.”
“Wha-how?!” Armor demanded.
“Undercarriage’s Undulating Underroos,” Schaden replied.
Discord, who up to that point had been doing his best to put off saying he’d rolled a one, fell over laughing. “Oh, my word! And you ponies thought I was crazy! Who came up with that?!”
Shining shook his head. “No. No way. There is no such thing as… that thing you just said.”
Schadenfreude shrugged. “Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t read the supplements. I bring them every other week.”
Spike nodded, and pulled a book out from under the Cutie Map, which they were shamelessly using as their gaming table. “It’s true. Great Big Book of Useful Uselessness. Magic Items section.” He flipped through the pages, then read a particular entry aloud. “Undercarriage’s Undulating Underroos. Unique Magic Item. Once per day the wearer may choose an element. Until his decision is changed, he is immune to all damage or magical effect caused by a spell/spell-like ability/supernatural ability/elemental attack with the chosen element descriptor. This item cannot be removed by anything less than a Greater Wish spell, and the wearer’s voice, singing or otherwise, is permanently raised to High Alto until removed.”
“Wait, they’re cursed?” Big Mac asked.
Spike read a little longer, then flinched. “No.”
The rest of the table cringed. Even Shining gave in. “Ok, ok. So he’s immune to fire. Cool. How much damage do the rest of us take?”
Spike shrugged and pulled out a disturbingly large pile of six-sided dice. “Lessee,” he said, as they clattered about the table. “35. Big Mac takes half.”
“Actually, everyone takes half, Big Mac takes no damage,” Schaden pointed out.
Discord raised an eyebrow. “Ok, not that I’m not thankful, but how?”
Schaden held out his hoof as Spike handed back his character sheet. “Panicked Presence Polka, remember? I cast it at the start of the fight. As long as we’re within range of any of his attacks, we’re all treated as if we have one level of Evasion higher than our base.”
The boys nodded, somewhat grateful. “And, um, if we roll a one?” Discord asked offhandedly, neither confirming nor denying the presence of a great big “1” on his oversized twenty-sided. In fact, the only reason they let him use that die was because of the giant stone table they were playing on.
Again, the table cringed. Except for Spike. He smiled mischievously, and rolled another die. “Roll another Reflex save.”
Clatter. “Um, seven?”
“Ooh. Not only do you dodge in the wrong direction and land in the middle of the breath weapon, taking full damage, but your leg gets caught in the dragon’s mouth when he closes it again,” Spike said, trying his best not to look happy about it.
“Wonderful. Remind me why I agreed to play this game again?” Discord growled.
“Cause Fluttershy told you to,” Spike reminded him. “Also because you had fun last time and you know it. Now take an additional...” he paused as he rolled more dice, “two damage.”
“Wonderful, I’m at 5. Anyone have any bright ideas?”
Schaden rubbed his chin for a moment. “Is it my turn next?”
Spike nodded. “You’re at the top of the initiative order, so yes.”
“I cast Discord’s Disgusting Diet Doozy on, well, Discord.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah-huh.”
“Ok. Dragon rolls to save-”
“Actually it’s Discord’s character who gets the saving through, he’s the target. Dizzy, you want to roll to save?” Schaden asked.
Discord eyed him warily. “Will this get me out of the dragon’s mouth?”
“At speed.”
“Oh good. No, I let it happen, then.”
Spike pulled out another book and read the spell entry carefully. “Oh, yeah. To everyone else it’s just… ok. Discord chooses not to resist the spell, so it goes off. The dragon’s mouth is filled with the most gangrenous, horrid taste in all of the Nine Kingdoms-”
“Eight,” Big Mac corrected. “You blew one up.”
“Man, nobody liked Trashcanistan anyway,” Shining said dismissively.
“Oh, yeah,” Spike chuckled. “Ok, Eight Kingdoms. He spits Discord out onto the floor. Make a Reflex save vs. fall damage.”
Discord smiled. “I have a featherfall amulet, remember?”
“You know, I always wondered why you bought that thing,” Shining mused. “We’re at sea level like, 90% of the time.”
“Oh, I fully intended to slip it onto one of you as we slept and throw you off a cliff just to freak you out,” Discord admitted.
“Eeeenope,” Big Mac said simply.
“Right, anyways,” Spike interjected, re-focusing their attention, “Discord lands on the ground, unharmed-”
“A-HEM,” Discord said loudly, pointing at the pitiful little 5 in his HP box.
“From the fall. It is Shiny’s turn.”
“Actually...” Schaden said slowly.
“Oh my god WHAT,” Spike demanded.
“Diet Doozy is a cantrip, which I can cast as a sudden action. I still have a full round left,” Schaden explained.
“Oh, my god. Freakin BARDS, man,” Shining whined.
“So, I throw Lilypond’s Lizard Likeness at the dragon.”
“...no.” Spike said firmly.
“Yes.”
“No. Nuh-uh. No way you can afford both the Underroos, AND the Likeness-”
“Tarasque Burger.”
“...oh, FORK you.”
Discord looked between the two while Shining’s head slumped onto the table as he waited for his turn. “What are they talking about.”
Shining rolled his gaze to Discord and explained, while Schaden was arguing with his DM, “Well, we found the Tarasque like, two months ago. It was asleep. So Schaden had the idea of buying Myrtle’s Spoon, you know that thing that produces an infinite amount of food that always tastes like wet cardboard? Yeah, he got one of those, and sewed it upside-down into the roof of the Tarasque’s mouth. Since the thing only wakes up when it’s hungry, and it automatically eats in it’s sleep, this meant it would never wake up ever again. Then he found out that you had to do at least one hundred damage to it to wake it early. So he started chopping off pieces of it’s tail, which only does like, fifty damage, and turn it into burgers. So basically he owns the only fast-food joint in the world now. That’s where his hireling went. Then he hired a bunch more guys. Remember that timeskip that Spike told you about? The one that let you show up as a 7th level character instead of first? Yeah, he was making money literally that entire time.”
“-and accounting for expansions and multiple locations via Everfree’s Free-flying Delivery spell, I’m now worth...” Schaden trailed off as he did some math, and then said a really obscene number. “Yeah, that.”
Spike looked like someone had hit him with a frying pan. “Ok, but that’s still all only savings. You literally can’t carry that entire amount of gold on you at once, it would actually crush you!”
“No, just ten percent of it. This number,” he pointed to a smaller, yet still ridiculous for an 8th level bard, amount of money, “Is how much I have on hoof. Which is, if memory serves, just below that limit you set at the start of the game of how much money we could carry before we had to worry about weight.”
“Because I never thought you’d MAKE that much!”
“Yeah… this is why you don’t let someone who’s basically a personal accountant play a BARD,” Schaden pointed out.
Shining raised a hoof. “Shouldn’t we all get a cut of that? I mean, we all worked at the restaurant.”
“Nope,” Big Mac pointed out. “You got fired on the first day.”
“I didn’t know you could crit fail serving someone their food!” Shining argued.
“Dude,” Schaden said. “You killed the king’s ex-wife. That entire province now knows you as the Royal Baggage Handler. But yeah, Big Mac has like...” he trailed off again, doing some math. “That much of it.”
“Eeeeyup.”
“Ok, fine. FINE. Throw your damn lizard statue thing. Roll to hit.”
Schaden rolled his twenty-sided die. Then smiled. Spike looked at it. Then at Schaden. Then at the die again. “Nope. I’m done. We’re done. See you all next week!”
Shining and Big Mac raised an eyebrow, then whistled at the natural 20 Schaden rolled. “Um, Spike,” Shining asked, “What about the fight?”
“NEXT. WEEK.”
Discord shook his head. “Freakin Bards, man.”
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Describes this story perfectly.
Good Job 👍
P.S: FIRST :3
He would play a bard, wouldn't he? It's always fun to see one of these stories.
I know the feeling, Shiny. I've crit-failed walking out a door, which resulted in the murder of a werewolf child. Don't ask.
Schaden is playing a really dangerous game here. The most dangerous thing you could ever do in D&D is outsmart the GM.
9061980
I once crit failed a perception check, and my character couldn't tell if something was a wall or a door. He ended up pushing on it and, since he was an overly enthusiastic barbarian with like 3 wisdom, accidentally pushed the entire wall down and killed a diplomat.
Oh hey, an Order of the Stick reference?
Oh please, as if he wasn't carrying that thing around since day one just so he could introduce himself, in-character, as "Spoony The Bard".
I don't know anything about how D&D works, but this was still funny as hell.
Ugh, Schnaden is exactly the worst type of player to play with. Very in character I must say. Is this a oneshot or there will be more chapters?
9062164
Just the one. I'd have to plan and play an entire campaign from scratch to do a story like this justice.
I totally understand Spike's frustrations as the DM here...but at the same time, I'd actually love having a player like that in a game I DM'd. It really pushes your creativity to give them a challenge that can actually match them.
Either that, or you call the GM from "Grand Line 3.5" for advice on how to handle him.
9062038
Ha. One time, my GM didn’t have the whole left side of the dungeon mapped out, and my party decided to turn left. So, he decided to just throw in a lurker above to make us not go that way. (For those of you that don’t know, those are nasty monsters that ambush the first person to come along from the ceiling. Let’s just say that we’re a party of four. We got a magic user, with not to many hit points because it’s harder to level up as a magic user. We have a cleric, who doesn’t have that much attack power, but is a friggin tank when it comes to hit points. One idiot decided to be a double class illusionist/fighter. The bastard got super lucky and rolled an 18 in strength and a 98 on the bonus roll, so he hits with the power of a herd of stampeding elephants. But because the idiot was an idiot, he has like, not hit points because you have to level up each class individually. So, the most logical choice of who to put in front was our ranger, who has pretty much full weapon and defense capabilities and a fair amount of hit points.
Unfortunately, I am that ranger.
9062081
same and I agree
I’m guilty of playing D&D like Schaden does- One time I was playing a Bladesinger, and I had an item that increased Int for each X amount of hitpoints I was from my full health. That campaign actually ended with the countried locking me and the Terasque Lich (Long story, very convoluted) that was going to kill them all and neither of us are physically capable of hitting each other, so the eternal stalemate (I was also a Lich, equally long story although less convoluted) actually saved the world. It was a good campaign.
There's only one player who can compete with Schaden on this level of fuckery. SOMEONE GET ME TAAKO FROM THE ADVENTURE ZONE!
We're stallions!
Stallions in tights!
(Tight! Tights!)
>schaden playing d&d
>its not just an entire story of Schaden gettig characters rejected before sneaking pun pun setup in because it looks fine at character creation, if a little op
All I'm saying is you missed a trick not using this to talk about all the dumbest D&D bullshit. Peasant railgun, explosive necrotic chicken bombs, portable hole/bag of holding bombs, skeleton computers...
Also this is on Spike for letting his players purchase whatever magic items they like without oversight.
9062799
Oh my god I didn't even think of that.
So making a sequel now.
Oh god... Schaden will be the origin of the pony version of Old Man Henderson isn't he? That... that would be a chapter in itself too.
Oh! And you should do a chapter with some of the girls that got invited to play for a game or something.
9062802
Yey More
9062173
...And? I see nothing wrong with you doing that.
I'd have gone with Schadengeons and Dragons.
Sounds about right.
Never underestimate the usefulness of a Bard.
I, don't even know how to react to that.
Sounds about right.
Hey, you're not dead yet, be thankful.
I love this stuff.
He has a point.
You'd be surprised what you can Nat 1.
Says the Chaos Bringer.
The title makes me wonder: Should I mind-control Celestia into making Schaden the ambassador to the Dragon Lands?
This can only end well!
For my entertainment.
9062174
Schaden would totally trade in his ability to Whistle, or keep a "diplomacy die" on hoof.
Just gotta be careful that you get GM, and don't accidentally end up with DM.
I just came back from a session of D&D last night. This is the best possible thing I could have woken up to this morning.
9062054
Damn. I can't recall that one. :(
9062802
I second the motion. This was great. What the heck did they do to hit the Tarrasque that early, anyway?
Also, there's a story about the chronically unlucky guy who summoned it three times in one game. As usual, I can't find the link, but he got some sort of summon for "anything" and summons Tarrasque. They get rid of it somehow, but then he uses the main Macguffin to summon it BACK as a distraction for the enemy, but they later launch it into orbit so they are surely safe. Nope. The Lich summons the item back later... and only then do they remember what was WITH said item! There was hilarious plot derailment involved too, obviously, since the Macguffin was missing for much of this.
However, what this reminds me MOST of is[url= https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Tale_of_an_Industrious_Rogue,_Part_I]Tales of an Industrious Rogue. Warning, it's more than a bit squicky in places, but now THAT guy is a munchkin. Similar ridiculous money mechanic too. (Plane of Salt, actually, but you get the idea)
And I loved the Underroos item. Permanent high alto?! That's a ... certain drawback, shall we say.
You may also enjoy https://1d4chan.org/wiki/The_Guy_Who_Cried_Grendel
9062077
Not Spoony the Bard, just so people would call him "YOU SPOONY BARD!"
*quickly adds to favorites*
I think my friends and I would enjoy playing with Schaden. We came up with some very interesting questions for our GM/DM/Storyteller (depending on the game we were playing) which would elicit a groan and/or facepalm.
This was hilarious. I approve.
9064394
I imagine him dressed all in blue.
With antennae.
i1.wp.com/rpad.tv/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Tick-Spoon.jpg?fit=640%2C480
Scaden's a munchkin. Of course he is. Seconding the people above, you could make an entire series based on this premise alone. I know I'd read it.
I've never played Dungeons and Dragons, so I barely understood any of that.
And yet, for some reason, I couldn't stop giggling.
Thank you for giving us more Schadenfreude!
Schaden playing O&O as a highly irritating over the top accountant turned fast food tycoon, skill and item min maxing bard?
Yeah I can see it. It’s glorious!
Glen Gorewood
This is perfect. I'm so running this.
I need more.
...and that’s why i’m Not allowed to D&D nights.
Damn. I can't believe he just broke the game. Also Spike, THIS is why you must choose your words VERY carefully for someone who is basically a Rules Lawyer PROFESSIONALLY. NEVER give ANYONE like that even a REMOTELY POSSIBLE opening, because otherwise they could EASILY take advantage of that later.
Oh I love this guy!
Honestly, since Schaden is playing a bard, I am surprised that he did not roll to seduce just to see the conniption fit that Spike would have over it.
Schaden is a filthy fucking munchkin and I love it.
9235453 Like this? media0dk-a.akamaihd.net/21/32/de46a4aafb9d8f311b60c9ba40c29a51.jpeg
9364981
Exactly!
9364981
I lost it for, like, five minutes after reading that. Thanks, that made my day.
I can imagine Schaden bringing Derpy to game night to introduce her to the hobby.
She'd be a Barbarian.
I'm going to leave y'all with that thought for a minute...
Yeah, I can totaly see Schaden playing a Bard.
10372662
And Derpy as the most adorable Barbarian ever would be awesome too.
Never trust bards. They'll steal your money while they play a song for you.
Spike letting a personal accountant/secretary to a tax attorney/butler to one of the most insufferable ponies in all of Equus play a bard is honestly such a thing that I couldn't be arsed but to laugh until my chest hurt.