An Envious Pair

As ponies age, the paths they take are sometimes not the ones they want for themselves. This is the case for two friends, both of whom wish they had the job of the other. One day, the friends decide to get together in order to catch up after the many years they have had to mature. This is that story.

Rated Teen for small amounts of profanity
Cover Art by Rinnemi. Permission was not asked and will change if requested.
Here is Rinnemi's Devientart page

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Grey Vicar

Grey Vicar #1 · Aug 2nd, 2018 · 3 · ·

It's interesting to see how their jobs have evolved with time. I found this fic really sweet too with how they came to an agreement in the end. The only problem is that the first few paragraphs are a bit janky and there are some grammar issues.

RedRandom

RedRandom #2 · Aug 2nd, 2018 · 2 · ·

9083535
Yeah, I'm getting back into writing in general and, I'm a bit rusty. I did have help from some editors but I let all their advice get into my head which, I'm pretty sure you can see. But thanks for commenting, do you have any advice so I could avoid it in the future?

Grey Vicar

Grey Vicar #3 · Aug 2nd, 2018 · 3 · ·

9084423
To be perfectly honest, let someone else read it before posting it, or let it sit for a while and come back to it later so you can spot mistakes more easily.

RedRandom

RedRandom #4 · Aug 2nd, 2018 · 2 · ·

9084538
I um... did that, like five times :p

An-Twan Star

An-Twan Star #5 · Aug 3rd, 2018 · 2 · ·

This was a nicely written "future imperfect" scenario. It showcases that becoming burnt out and depressed can happen to anyone, even if things worked out perfectly for them. It also tells of the need to keep an open mind and of willingness to try new things. I wonder if Dash possibly had a few injuries from the crash barring her from racing and not just a ban for recklessness. The idea of her being sequestered to a desk job was a little strange, but I suppose it was something necessary at the time to stay within the community she pushed so hard to become a part of.

There were a fair few errors, mostly at the beginning and mostly just misspelled or doubled words, along with a few strange descriptive word choices. The only advice I can offer is to go through your story as much as possible, find other people to read through it, and if possible set it down for some time so you can come back to it with a clear mind. You can also try reading it back to yourself out loud. It sound weird, but you might pick up on something that might otherwise go unnoticed.

RedRandom

RedRandom #6 · Aug 3rd, 2018 · · ·

9086715
Thanks for the advice, and also the kind words!

Yeah, I'll admit I can do better when it comes to the grammatical errors. The thing is with the "Class prompt" that happens once a month by the School for New Writers group is that, you have to have it done in a month, something that really stresses me out. Not trying to use that as an excuse, though. I'm going to go back and fix what I found. I was really worried about this one since, this is the first time I've really done a Slice of Life story. But, I digress, again thanks for the advice, I'm actively trying to find people to help me even though I look over it myself constantly, cause as you can see. I'm not very good at it by myself :p

The Dean

The Dean #7 · Aug 7th, 2018 · · ·

This is the Dean of the SFNW here with your end-of-class write-up. Good job on getting the story done on time, and we hope you participate again in the future!

General: This story doesn’t push the envelope. It is, in essence, middle of the road. It’s not bad enough for me to write a seathing review, nor is it good enough for me to praise and highly recommend. It’s in the majority of stories that I mark as “Passable”. The story is what most of myself and the other professors were expecting: Rainbow and Fluttershy years later, but it makes the twist that we also expected. Instead of Rainbow living exciting, her life is boring and vice versa for Fluttershy.
The story isn’t bad. It’s at least handled decently, but it’s nothing to write home about.
Deep Analysis:
I’ll be breaking this section down to make it easier to read. Grammar, Story, and Characters.
Grammar:
The grammar is errant at times, and the diction is sometimes strange. I caught quite a few on just a cursory, refreshing read. There were random lines that didn’t belong, showing a distinct lack of polish. Despite the author having five people read it before hand, I confess, I did not. I don’t know if an error occurred while transferring it from Googledocs, or if it was a problem there as well.
A lack of polish, proofreading, and other issues. I can’t accept this as passable.
Grade: D
Story:
The story begins with Rainbow, dressed in suit and tie, visiting Ponyville. In specific, she’s going to Fluttershy’s house, as she hasn’t visited in years. When she arrives, Fluttershy saves her from a manticore attack. From there, it devolves to one complaining that they want the other’s life. Fluttershy lives the life of an adventurer, taming wild beasts from the Everfree. Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, has become a teacher after an accident. She doesn’t do stunts anymore, and has to deal with fillies that were like her: Overconfident and brash.
They continue arguing, getting a closer understanding for one another until, finally, they break down and agree that they wouldn’t trade away their lives if it meant taking the other’s place. Still, breaks are fine and Fluttershy grades papers while Rainbow goes to play with some wild animals.
A good, simple story with a bit of a twist.
Grade: B
Characters:
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are the only two characters, so I will judge them harsher than I would a story with supporting cast. I dislike this story’s portrayal. It doesn’t make sense. It tries lampshading when it mentions why she was assigned to teaching. Fluttershy at least makes sense. She’s done the job for years, but after so long is bored of it. It’s nice, fine, doesn’t fit her character, but still.
Rainbow Dash, though… let me grab a quote.
"At least you get to be outdoors," Rainbow commented, sighing before leaning down to finish her tea.
"You are literally working in the clouds," Fluttershy said, her voice flat while her stare was one of pure annoyance. "How more "outdoors" could you want?"
"I mean like the grass and stuff," Rainbow huffed, looking to the ground as she sat back up. "You know how light the air is up there, down here it's so rich."
Tell me, does that last line sound anything like Rainbow? This line broke my immersion completely upon reading it. I had to stop to think about the story, and that’s the last thing you want a reader to do while reading.
For the good and bad characterization.
Grade: C-
Advice:
Focusing on characterization in the future will help detract from a lot of problems the story has. It felt like the author fit the characters into the prompt forcefully. More practice will help in the flow. Other than that, a focus on grammar and punctuation is advised. If five proofreaders didn’t catch the mistakes, they weren’t looking hard enough, or the mistakes were added at a later date.
Pros: Simple story, some decent description, and completely self contained.
Cons: Errant grammar, a line that breaks immersion, and characters that exist for the conflict, not conflict derived from the characters.

Check out the forums for your final grade and the next class prompt! We hope you come back again!

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