Down Below

When Twilight Sparkle accidentally messes up on yet another spell, the flustered mare, alongside her closest friends, is sent to a world completely different from her own. Now, in hopes of ever returning back home, the group must receive help from unexpected allies in order to defeat the one pony keeping them in this world of the undead. But can Twilight Sparkle and her companions make it just in time? Or will they forever roam this dimension of despair?

Rated Teen for Sexual Themes and Gore
My editor is Notsowickedwitch.
My proof reader is Sipioc.

Chapters (5)

Prologue: The Book of Bub · 7th Oct 2016 · 1,081 words
1,081
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Chapter One: The Witching Hours · 9th Oct 2016 · 4,276 words
4,276
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Chapter Two: The Doctor's Office · 12th Oct 2016 · 1,326 words
1,326
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Chapter Three: Finding Home Base · 15th Oct 2016 · 2,603 words
2,603
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Chapter Four: One Weird Bug · 22nd Oct 2016 · 2,195 words
2,195
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Comments ( 15 )

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NotSoWickedWitch

NotSoWickedWitch #1 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

While the story itself is okay, I have to admit the description is a tad bit of a mess. And by that, I'm trying to say it may not be all that appealing to Bronies on the site. That being said, you really want to clean that description up into about two paragraphs, only putting the really important stuff down.

RedRandom

RedRandom #2 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

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Thanks for the tip. I'm very new to this stuff so it's appreciated. any more tips?

NotSoWickedWitch

NotSoWickedWitch #3 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

Halloween Special!!!
When Twilight accidentally Bucks up a summoning spell royally. The Mane Six and the CMC all
get kicked down to The Underworld or Down Below as everyone calls it. Now they must find a way to
resurrect themselves while getting help from Down Below's residents, to get away from the Pony who
brought them here. Can they escape?, will they be there forever?! Find out in this ghostly holiday
musical special.
WARNING: This story is a musical and will have songs in it(Of the Jazz/Swing variety). If the song/songs
used are not mine. Then I will put a link to them in the author's notes. If the song is made up by me then
I will not put a link into the author's notes as I don't have videos or audio of the songs.
This will be slightly "Dark" but not "Grim Dark".
The "Gore" tag is there for a little blood but nothing too extreme.(Maybe a death or two)
The "Sex" tag is used for sexual jokes, hints of sex and maybe after sex but no actual sex.
If I misspelled anything then let me know, I would help a lot.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Improved Version:

When Twilight Sparkle accidentally messes up on yet another spell, the flustered mare, alongside her closest friends, is sent to a world completely different from her own. Now, in hopes of ever returning back home, the group must receive help from unexpected allies in order to defeat the one pony keeping them in this world of the undead. But can Twilight Sparkle and her companions make it just in time? Or will they forever roam this dimension of despair?
Rated Teen for Sexual Themes and Gore.

—> Might want to reduce that to just the Main Six and Spike. While you can certainly switch perspectives between them and the Crusaders, having all those characters can really make things confusing for everybody.

—> Getting an editor and a pre-reader is highly recommended.

—> It can still be a musical, but adding it in the description is highly unnecessary.

—> Adding cover art will make your story look way more appealing.

—> Teen would fit this story way better than Mature.

— A better idea of a title may be just the name of the world. “Down Below”

RedRandom

RedRandom #4 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

7629239

Again, I must give thanks to you,

>That definitely looks better then my version (do you mind if I just use that?)
But the thing is, the story is about both the Mane six and CMC trying to escape Down Below
while Spike is gathering up forces of some OC's that were "donated?" to deal with the main villain
after he takes over all of ponyville.(I was going to change it but you commented before then)

So if you don't mind, I think I could just edit your version to take out the bit with spike being
Sent to Down Below and just add a small paragraph of him gathering forces. (would that be better?)

>The unfortunate thing about getting cover art is that I'm broke, so I can't really pay anyone to do it.
So the best I can do is go to goggle images and look their(unless you have a better Idea)

NotSoWickedWitch

NotSoWickedWitch #5 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

7629303

1. Sure, use it. It is your story.

2. I'll just find one for ya. I would make it, but my PC is updating.

3. The Spike part is really not needed. As you could just include that in a AN or the main story.

RedRandom

RedRandom #6 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

7629324

Ah shit your right. I will be right back!.

NotSoWickedWitch

NotSoWickedWitch #7 · Oct 9th, 2016 · · · Chapter One: The Witching Hours ·

7629350

Celestia’s bright, morning sun rose gently over the sweet population of the tiresome, little town of Ponyville. Birds sang a cheery song to their young, and a lone rooster let out a fierce cry. And just like the habitants, everything in the village was just starting to become awake and lively.
         Twilight Sparkle, on the other hoof, hadn't even slept a wink.
          Pacing in her quiet, closed castle, Twilight anxiously muttered under her breath. The soft carpet of her home library, slowly getting worn out from right underneath her hooves. Her midnight–purple irises not once leaving their strict focus on the ground.
Off to the side, a confused Pinkie Pie could only blink in response to her friend’s abnormal pacing, still trying to fully wake up herself. After all, the lavender alicorn had just came knocking out her door only a couple hours back. Worry in her tone, and a nervous look in her eyes. Of course Pinkie Pie had to come and help. That was what a good friend did, after all.
          “Sooo,” Pinkie beamed, her own eyes wandering around. She had seen the castle many times before, sure. Yet that feeling of magnificence whenever she entered never seemed to diminish. “What do you need, Twi? Are you planning to throw a party and you need good ol’ Auntie Pinkie Pie’s help?”
          Twilight scowled. “I'm many months older than you, Pinkie. And this is no time for your parties!” she unintentionally snapped. Pinkie slightly deflated, her once cheerful smile, dropping to a grim frown. Twilight exhaled sharply, immediately softening up. “Look, Pinkie. I didn't mean that. I'm just stressed, that's all it is.”
          “Well, what about?” questioned Pinkie, sourly pouting. “Is it a test? ‘Cause I could help you study!” Twilight couldn't help but smile at Pinkie’s generous offer. It astounded her sometimes how such a grumpy mare such as herself could have so amazing friends.
          “Well,” the mare hesitated, unsure of how the pink mare would answer. “It’s actually about Nightmare Night, silly as it may sound.” Unexpectedly, Pinkie sympathetically nodded, fully intrigued. The holiday was a favorite of hers, and the fact that it wasn't only coming up shortly, but being brought up in the conversation made Pinkie sure she could help. “And well, Spike,” she quickly added.
           Ah yes, Pinkie could remember how much fun Spike had around this time of year. But then again, who didn't?
          The spooky decorations that the citizens hung up around the town, alongside the sweet candies Sugarcube Corner often gave out around the time. How frightened you would be when you and a friend finally entered the annual Apple Haunted Mansion. Or perhaps the scary film you'd watch at home, wrapped in your blanket, a full bowl of popcorn in your mouth. Yes, the holiday was one that was for all ages and creatures alike. Even the princesses occasionally taking part.
          “What about them?” Pinkie asked, with a comforting, friendly grin.
          “Well, you know how Spike loves the holiday,” she began, preparing to enter full ramble mode. “And well, I just don't think I can go this year. After all, Starlight and I have to go on another meeting with Princess Celestia and Luna that day. And there is little to no way I could make it back in time!”

See how I got the same message across, but I decreased the number of description and simply added a character in? You don't need to add all that description as it just comes off as ramble, exposition or filler, hun.