- Member Since 10th May, 2014
- offline last seen 31 minutes ago
MrWriterWriter
If anyone recognizes me from Fanfiction.net, Hey guys! It's me.
MrWriterWriter
Joined 10th May, 2014 ·
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Great Story!
Here are some spelling errors I noticed:
Line 7: Took and quick look in the mirror, not look a quick look.
Line 14: Missing a be? The best term to use would probably BE...
Line 33: Started, not start.
Line 36: tried to force, not forced.
Line 38: be, not b
Line 43:Popping her hips?
Ending Section:
Don't you just love poleaxed expressions?
That is all that I could find on first glance. Really solid story, keep it up.
Let me know if you want me to go over the second chapter... or if you find this annoying
-ScintillatingSun
Great work keep it up
Nice story. Finally a Barb x Mane 6 story. I was hoping someone would someday write something like that.
That looks like you're saying that something belongs to a dragoness, since dragoness is singular and an apostrophe indicates possession. I believe what you meant to say here is "dragonesses"
I tend to say that, to check if the sentence grammatically works with a section in the middle cordoned off by commas, like this, try removing the section within the comma. Of course, if the section in the comma is needed for understanding the sentence, this won't work, but in cases like "as Rarity put it" where the section isn't needed for understanding the sentence, it works. "The best term to use would probably voluptuous" is not a sentence that works, but what does work is "The best term to use would probably be voluptuous" and now that it's fixed, the comma section can be re-introduced: "The best term to use would probably be, as Rarity put it, voluptuous."
You know that bits for them are basically larger than oreos, proportional to their mouths? Imagine have oreo-sized nipples. I'm going to assume what you meant was "bit-sized areolae" since an areola is the area of skin around the nipple that has a different color.
Sunburst's
be
To poleax something is to hit, kill, or knock down with a poleaxe or in a manner similar to what would be done with a poleaxe... but there's another definition.
9191967
From the Collins Dictionary. Granted, it's a rare usage, and isn't listed on Dictionary.com nor is it listed in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and it's also an informal usage of the word, so I didn't know that it was actually used correctly until I looked it up either.
It's the correct use case here, though (directed to MrWriterWriter) I'd recommend changing it to "perplexed" because perplexed is a synonym to poleaxed, and it's actually more widely known/used. But of course, you don't need to.
The music link at the beginning links to something that has either been taken down, never existed, or has been blocked in my country.
tossing
Why is it that, here, you specify that it's 39D-cup? You didn't specify it for any other character, and when you introduced Barb you said "E-cup" without the 40 that would be mentioned later in the chapter. That case, the 40E-cup mention, makes sense because it's Rarity speaking, but why mention that Rarity's breasts are 39D in narration when you don't specify Barb's cup-size in dialogue?
lap
"how's" is not a contraction of "how does" or "how did" but rather, it's a contraction of "how is". If you want to keep it a contraction, you can use "how'd" because that is a contraction for how did, or you can just say "how does" or "how did" instead.
"at her for" or "at it for"
I didn't know that Napik brand carabiners were capable of cleaning up messes. I thought they were looks used for holding things, often used by mountain climbers. But, in seriousness, I think you meant "napkin"
once
absentmindedly
landed it without it breaking
around
know I like
I have a feeling the chapter may he somewhat large
9192786
more like i'm gonna try and write something I've never written before.
in hindsight...'doozy' might not be the appropriate term
Remove quotation mark from the beginning, add one to the end.
an
Applejack: NANI!
Line 2: ExplainED
Really nice story!
Pretty good read! Smooth word choice and sexy to boot!
Just a little bit of editing to clear up some small grammatical errors and you've got a winner in my book. ^^
What the hell is this story!?
Lobed this story, wish there was more.
Edit 11/5/2018:
Okay.
There hasn't been much of Zecora x Spike fics.
While the suggested corrections are accurate, and it'd be good to get this proofread, it looks somewhat off to have the only comments on this story be editing errors. It'd be good to have some mentions that, for example, it's really very hot and fun to read
So thank you for writing this!
I do enjoy the way that Barb is gradually losing her clothes throughout this story.
Oh dear.
"Just a minute, are you talkin' 'bout my brother?"
is all I can think of now!
Nonetheless, thank you for this sexy story.
You can protect ONE. Decide which is more important.