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After school let out, Rainbow Dash invited Fluttershy over to her house. Spending time with each other as nobody bothered them, they both begin to discover something that they have both been keeping from each other. How will they react when one of them tells the other about their true feelings?
Editor:GhoulDash97
I would also like to thank Bikerpon3 for correcting a few grammatical errors
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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To any/everyone who reads this: This was written(around) Valentine's Day of last year but not for the obvious reason/s(That's for another day...). Unfortunately, I forgot about this for sometime and just recently found it again
. It's not much but I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think and if I should continue it. Thank you for your time and have a nice day.
Hello! that was so cute!! i wonder what will happen next :-O
9034735 Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I have an idea but it'll take awhile as I have other projects. This was just a beta but I'm glad it's turning out well. Rest assured I'll continue this.
9034747
That's awesome! I'm excited to read more :D Take your time on the next chapter, I'm sure whenever the next one will be up it'll be just as enjoyable if not more :3
So I would like for this to continue. I'll jump at any opportunity to get more Flutterdash fluff. But I do have one big criticism.
This may not be an easy thing to change, because it's probably related to your personal writing style, and diction. While Rainbow Dash's actions seem in character enough, her dialogue and internal reflections don't seem to be in character with regards to her characteristic diction. In other words, I don't imagine Rianbow Dash would actually talk, or think with that kind of language. The language you're using here seems a bit more like something that would come from Rarity, than from Rianbow Dash. Rainbow Dash's vocabulary is more colloquial, and more attuned to slang, or traditionally contracted clauses.
Other than that, I will pleasantly await the next chapter, sir. Bravo
9034842 You're right about that. It's one of the main criticism I get frequently(though from what I see, It's one of the only main problems I come across). I tend to write how I see them(witch for the most part, doesn't bother the readers to much) but I do see what you mean. Ignoring the fact that this was written a year ago(and I don't like to type slang as it feels weird...) with minor changes recently, it's one of the main reasons why I have editors/proofreaders(hence, my lack of updates) so I see where your coming from.
To be honest, I wasn't expecting this to go well considering all things but I thank you for pointing it out. I'll see what I can do and hopefully, more readers will come and show me the pros and cons of the story. I only have one important question for you: Is Fluttershy more or less in character or dose she suffer the same problem/s? Overall, I'm glad you liked it despite the flaw/s
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Fluttershy is mostly in character. While she would certainly be more expressive spending time around someone with whom she is comfortable, she would still be fairly reserved. I only see two things that strike me as odd, in regards to Fluttershy.
It's nothing too bad, but in this passage Fluttershy seems just a bit more demanding, or excited than she should be. The way I see Fluttershy, even when she's asking for something, she would find a way to assertively ask for it. For example, maybe something like this
"Absolutely. But really, it can be anything, Rianbow Dash. Please, tell me", she pleaded, with an assertive lull
And then one last thing:
In this scene, they've just finished watching a movie, and now they're talking about love. So instead of "intently", I would use a more casual, or peaceful adjective. To me, "intently" would suggest a more stimulating, higher-stress environment. Instead of intently, I would have used:
"... Fluttershy nodded, as she listened curiously"
Or
"... Fluttershy nodded, as she listened to her friend's advice with a tender, adventurous intent.
But these are very minor gripes, and are based on my own opinions of what makes for dramatic literature. Unless you're trying to write a bestseller, I wouldn't worry too much about them
9034922 Ah. That's good. I'll keep what you said in mind. Thank you.
I think it's a good start. There were a few spots that could've been better.
First, as the two of them were talking before Dash's speech, it felt overly descriptive. There was more going on in the paragraphs with speech than the speech itself.
Next was Dash's long rambling. I got lost in this and had to go back and read it a few times before I moved on so I could understand the rest of the chapter. It probably would've been better if you broke it up once or twice with a slight interruption from Fluttershy.
Then was the ending section. it was somewhat established earlier in the chapter that she had the hots for Flutters. Then when she asked if Flutters had someone in mind, she could've dropped a hint or two about her own feelings. While Fluttershy was flustered about thinking about a guy, Dash could've interrupted informing her that it could also be a girl.
Aside from that, good chapter and can't wait to see where it goes from here.
9061486 Yea... subtlety isn't my strong suit. I'll explain the rest Via PM
I haven’t really been into the brony fandom as of late (the past sux months), so that if course means I barely read any fanfiction.
With that said, I’ll be following this and trying to pay active attention to updates. Great job so far.
I wonder if you would continue the story?
9188387 I most likely will although I may have to draft it and start from scratch again
9189022
Oh man... :(
9190415 I did say maybe. The story will continue. Just not sure how I'll go about it.
9190795
Maybe a week?
9201688 I was talking about plot wise as I'm not sure how it will go since this was written last year.
9201771
Ok
Well, this definitely earns a like from me. I think you wrote both characters really well, and also their responses and reactions to each other.
It demands more chapters!
Um...please...?
9253325 This was something I wrote like two years ago. To be honest, I'm more surprised this got well received. I'll see what I can do.
Oh, and thank you for the follow.
Hello, this story is in all of my three spots for my bookmarks thing. Anyway this is a very interesting story and I'll love it if you continue. Sadly they don't write much flutterdash fanfics these couple of weeks, but if you made the next chapter (no rush please) then it would really make my day.
9253477
no pressure... Just keep doing it. Like it was a yummy apple pie.
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Good evening(or night depending on when you see this). I just want to give a quick update regarding this story. I regret to say that this story wont be completed anytime soon... however, there is good news. I'm working on a new one that will be vastly better than this one and should be done around May or June. The reason for this is I've just lost the spark for this story in particular. I will continue this one day but for now, this will be on hiatus until further notice.
I apologize for any inconvenience. I hope you guys/girls are having a good day/night.