Lost on Earth

by remsaman

Chapter 1: The screw up

Lost on Earth, Chapter 1: The screw up

Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbowdash and Pinkie Pie make their way towards the library, apparently Twilight has something she wants to show them.

"Ooooh i wonder if shes throwing a PARTY! But why wouldnt she tell me? Im great at throwing partys!"

"Ah dont think this is a party, sugarcube. Besides, when was the last time Twi' hosted a party?"

"Oh yeah. But that just makes the surprise even MORE exciting! weee!"

"Darling, please. Do calm down, whatever it is I'm sure she'd like it to be a surprise. So maybe stop trying to guess?"

"Well maybe she has something AWESOME to show us! like some tips to make my rain-boom 20% cooler!"

"Umm... Dash I don't.. think twilight is that kind of pony.... And she did call all of us... Remember?

"Oh right."

Once the five reach the library, Twilight opens the door before they even knock, as if shes been waiting there the whole day.

"Come in come in! I have something really cool to show you! I hope you all kept your Schedules free today?"

A chorus of "yes" and "yep" replied.

"Good, now i bet you wanna know why i asked you here! Well, I've been reading, as usual, and i came across a spell that could transport us to Canterlot in an instant!"

Rarity, confused spoke

"just canterlot? Why i guess thats good but why did we need to free our schedule? I can hire a pegasus chariot to get us there in minutes."

"yes but this can take us anywhere, rather then Canterlot! i just chose Canterlot because its close and i know ponies there, so if something goes wrong we aren't stuck in the mud."

"Ooh can we go to Manehatten? Oh the lights, the glamour!"

Pinkie suddenly rose from the others

"I got an idea! Why don't we go to Fillydelphia? I heard they're throwing a HUGE party!"

"Girls, girls, i think canterlot is a safer option, maybe another time we can go to Manehatten or Fillydelphia, but for now we should just stick to a place we know."

Twilight rummaged around for a few seconds before producing a diamond from the drawers.

"Diamonds amplify magical energy, so if Rarity can help channel a small amount of magical energy through it, we should be able to get there without any problems at all"

"Alright dear, if you think it will help."

"Of course, now everypony get in a circle!"

As the group get into a circle formation, twilight starts charging the diamond with her horn. Rarity joins in from the other side of the circle.

"Alrighty everypony, think of canterlots central area and dont stop thinking about it, otherwise things could go wrong"

The diamond glows brighter and brighter the more magic put into it. So much so, that nopony can look at it without squinting.
Suddenly, a certain baby dragon wakes up and sees a bright glow from the main room.
Walking over to the banister, his eyes widen as he sees a certain crystal floating in the center of the ponies. His stomach growls, and he leaps off the edge, mouth gaping.

"Alright girls, here we go- AAAH!"

Twilight screamed as spike leaped off the edge, biting and swallowing half of the diamond.
Magic burst from the diamond, and pierced each of the ponies. The last words heard in the room was

"SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE"

A flash occured, leaving spike by himself, only to question the darkness

"what did i do?"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Twilight opened her eyes, none of the other ponies were awake. Looking around, their location was definatly not canterlot, in fact, was it even Equestria? The leaves weren't the same shape as the ones in equestria, the clouds seemed to be unorganised and messy, and well. they're in a forest.

The others start to wake up, one by one.

"Ugh, where the hay are we sugarcube? This does not look like canterlot. Or Equestria for that matter"

Rainbow dash piped up from the others mumbles and groans

"Pfft, whichever ponies job it was to keep the sky clean, they sure did a pretty terrible job at it. Watch this, i can do better"

"Rainbow, wait!"

Too late, Rainbow went soaring into the sky, but instead of the clouds bursting, she went straight through them. She couldn't even stand on them, as soon as she furled her wings up, she went straight to the ground.

"What the- Why didn't you tell me i couldn't buck clouds before?"

"Because i didn't know rainbow, and if i knew i would have said something"

"Well whatever, i saw a small clearing about 200 meters to the east. maybe well find something there"

As the gang head towards the supposed clearing, Twilight inspects their surroundings more. Each tree was much taller then those of the everfree forest, and there where no dangerous animals in sight.

Once they reach the clearing, they all simultaneously gasp
There, in front of them, was a run down old shack, with a rusted metal object in front of it.
On the top of the shack was a bent metal object, not rusted, but covered in cobwebs.
Twilight searches the perimeter for anypony to talk to, when she notices two tracks in the dirt. One is of a small hoof, the other she has not seen before, but it looks like an oval shape with notches in it, the tracks leading from the rusted object to the front door.
Twilight opened the door to the shack and peered inside, There was a television, a refrigerator, a bookshelf(with numerous books on it), and several doors to other rooms.
One thing she noticed was a bright blue blanket with stars and the moon imprinted on it, She shook off the dust and read what was on it.
“Little Neil. My little astronaut”

Whoever this Neil was, his mother must have loved him very much. Something caught Twilight's eye, when she picked it up, it was a dark blue feather!

"It couldn't possibly be.... could it?"

Looking around the area, she surveyed a dusty book, labelled "Electronics for dummies"
Twilight's instincts took over, and she begun reading. The book was amazing! how electricity could be generated from certain chemicals, and then transferred through other materials to produce lights, sound, and reactions!

"Twi. Would you mind telling me where we are?"

Twilight turned around, and remembered she wasn't in the library anymore.

"Sugarcube, I think its time to look for some other pony."

Twilight nods, and turns her head towards the book shelf, a particular book catches her eye.

"Girls, I don't think were in Equestria anymore"

"Why not?"

Twilight levitates the book from the shelf and places it on a bench
Everybody gasps at the title.

Earth Encyclopedia

Comments

Maybe you should try to write in the past tense, as writing in the present tense makes a story look weird. Also it seems kinda out of character for Spike just downing that gem whilethey were clearly doing something with it. Otherwise, nice fic.

Eventually someone's going to end up writing something in which the Mane Six end up talking to Lauren Faust. Here's hoping it's soon.

[remsaman]

1265

I know, i have a problem with writing in tenses.

sometimes its past, sometimes its present.

its really a problem and i cant help it. its just how i write.

[SouthernCross]

You are lacking pretty badly in several areas.

The first has been mentioned before, tense. The solution is the same as for your second problem which is;

A great many simple grammical and spelling errors that wouldn't be happening if you did one simple thing. Read your own work and go over it with a fine-toothed comb looking for errors and fixing them.

Your third problem is a major lack of detail. This chapter should easily be three given how much you've done and how much you could have done.

Which is the fourth problem, pacing. The events of the entire chapter are very rushed and very sudden, in a bad way, making reading it a rather jarring experiance. This is linked to the detail issues, while you're expanding on what's going on with the Mane 6 be sure to include what they're doing between point A and point B, what do the ponies see, hear and feel?

Don't give me a 'I can't help it' and 'I just write like that' answer. You and I know full well that's just a cop-out excuse for being lazy.

[Kakes 411]

I like the story, but not the writing style

[negativezero]

I was thinking of making a story like this, it's good

[mbpony 512]

What year on Earth has Twilight transported to and if its within our year, then I can see it almost like that Episode of Darkwing Duck where he accidentally transported to Earth, where he was popular.

Please do keep up the good work upon such a great idea like this one.

[SethTheWizard]

35433I'm not sure what year, but it's most likely when Neil Armstrong went to the moon, referring to the thing Little Neil:My Little Astronaut.

[Nekobladen]

Rush? This seemed rushed, trust me: I know rushed work when I see it.

You gotta look at your work and ask yourself, "what else can I do?" if you can think of a few things like; what didn't I answer or will people get this? then you may not be ready to publish yet.

No hate Just say'n.

[Corona Blaze]

As SouthernCross stated, this fic has alot of flaws, most of them easily rectfied.

Unlike SouthernCross, howeer, I know how hard it is to work things through when you're inexperienced.

The answer is to simply write 'junk' stories to try and get used to adding more detail and such, that's what I did.

it takes time but it's worth it in the end.

Now, that all aside? This story DOES show potential. I've only seen a few 'ponies on earth' fics, and most of them are usually the second half of a human-in-equestria, so they know what to expect.

this, however? this is different, and I'd like to see you continue.

[Dozy Dreamer]

Tiny problem with the story - their discovery of their location on Earth doesn't make sense. After all, an encyclopaedia is simply a collection of knowledge on different subjects - so an 'Earth Encyclopaedia' could be about various subjects to do with Earth ponies, or it could be a geology guide. Of course, had Twilight read it, there are any number of reasons she could discover that she is no longer in Equestria - but she wouldn't get any of them just from the title.
Also, you say this is set in the year we go to the moon? So what, they found Armstrong's childhood hideout? Or is this just some random kid with the same name and same idea?
Next, I must congratulate you on coming up with a slightly more original excuse than 'Twilight messes up' - at least this time it isn't through any fault of her own that the spell went wrong. However, I must also confess to being slightly disappointed by your chosen excuse - considering that he has lived with, and assisted, Twilight for much of his life, it would make more sense that Spike would be able to recognise magic experiments, and that he would know to not interfere with it - even for a tasty diamond.
Still, you have an interesting set up here, so let's see what you can do, hmm?

I would like to see more of this /