After a fit of rage, Nightmare Moon exhausts all her anger and reverts to Luna.
While contemplating certain things, she notices a silver object fall onto the moon
Not going to bother with this fic anymore.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 20th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen Aug 7th, 2012
remsaman
I am a huge fan of fluttershy. so its likely she will be a character in each of my stories.
remsaman
Joined 20th Jul, 2011 ·
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Eh... the idea was kinda interesting, but after Neil first meets Luna it didn't really hold my attention. It didn't really seem plausible; I mean, what kind of astronaut would keep the discovery of a talking pony alicorn a secret?
I really liked this I couldn,t help but smile
505
maybe someone who already has something to hide?
;)
522
I see what you did there.
505 well you know, if you found a talking pony... wouldnt you keep it a secret??
549
of course. you see what they do to things that talk in movies n shit.
你是一个同性恋屁股荡妇，没有人喜欢你他妈的达欣屁股狗屎吃阴户鱼面奶酪牛奶
one word... EPIC
Nice
MOOOAAAARRRRRRR
I really like the concept, but you're making my inner proofreader weep. :/
565
yes, i forgot to proofread the second chapter, and couldnt find anyone to do it for me.
I was in a rush because i have plans and i had to get some sleep.
I like where this is going....
Since you seem intent on ignoring this really quite interesting story, I'd be willing to take it off your hands. If you so desire, of course.
Luna seems waaaaaaaay too childish, I mean, whe is hundreds of years old right? She's a lot more than just an adult.
don't give up it a great sotyr and has a lot of potential especially if luna decides to make earth a better place with her magic.
mabey a rewrite thats slowed down the pacing a bit. lunas a little more mature and stuff.
i mean, this is a good story idea; it just need some work is all.
good story a really good story i like these luna befriending humans stories would like to read more.
i like it
You wanted proper reviews right? Well I'll start with chapter 1.
First off, please try and maintain your tense. You keep flip flopping between past and present tense in a most distracting way.
Secondly you seem to flip flop in the level of detail in your writing, sometimes it's really good and sometimes you're litterally giving the reader nothing to visualize. Obviously this is bad, please try to stick to giving a healthy amount of detail all the time.
Third, spelling and grammer. Sweet Luna you got lazy here. The number of times you start sentances and speach with lower case letters is kinda disturbing, add the rather poor formatting across the entire chapter and you get a pretty jarring read.
Do you know how to fix all of these? Proofreading with a proverbial fine-toothed comb. Don't finish a chapter and upload it straight away, take a break and come back to it an hour later and read it yourself. If you see any of the problems I mentioned, fix them. You become a better writer, readers get a better story, everyone wins.
And now I go to read chapter 2... in the morning.
Other then what I mentioned in my last review there are many more problems over here.
First major, new, thing I noticed was a rather jarring perspective switch in on of the paragraphs. When writing in third person, which it's obvious you're trying to do, do not writing anything like 'I mean' unless it's dialogue. In the instance you used here it would have been better to use 'After all.'
The second was a logic error. Doesn't Neil live with his wife? If so, how can returning to the shack be called returning 'home'?
This chapter definitely needs a complete overhaul. You should continue working on this story, but fix the existing chapters first.
it's a great concept but the historical accuracy is atrocious
It's an okay story, although I'm thinking if you do remake this or atleast continue it, I hope you add a little more detail into what is going on for people to understand what is barely going on.