After Twilight screws up a spell (again? you think shed be good at this thing) The mane 6 are transported to Earth, Without sufficient magical power to get back, the 6 must find their way in this mixed up world.
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- Member Since 20th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen Aug 7th, 2012
remsaman
I am a huge fan of fluttershy. so its likely she will be a character in each of my stories.
remsaman
Joined 20th Jul, 2011 ·
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Maybe you should try to write in the past tense, as writing in the present tense makes a story look weird. Also it seems kinda out of character for Spike just downing that gem whilethey were clearly doing something with it. Otherwise, nice fic.
Eventually someone's going to end up writing something in which the Mane Six end up talking to Lauren Faust. Here's hoping it's soon.
1265
I know, i have a problem with writing in tenses.
sometimes its past, sometimes its present.
its really a problem and i cant help it. its just how i write.
You are lacking pretty badly in several areas.
The first has been mentioned before, tense. The solution is the same as for your second problem which is;
A great many simple grammical and spelling errors that wouldn't be happening if you did one simple thing. Read your own work and go over it with a fine-toothed comb looking for errors and fixing them.
Your third problem is a major lack of detail. This chapter should easily be three given how much you've done and how much you could have done.
Which is the fourth problem, pacing. The events of the entire chapter are very rushed and very sudden, in a bad way, making reading it a rather jarring experiance. This is linked to the detail issues, while you're expanding on what's going on with the Mane 6 be sure to include what they're doing between point A and point B, what do the ponies see, hear and feel?
Don't give me a 'I can't help it' and 'I just write like that' answer. You and I know full well that's just a cop-out excuse for being lazy.
I like the story, but not the writing style
I was thinking of making a story like this, it's good
What year on Earth has Twilight transported to and if its within our year, then I can see it almost like that Episode of Darkwing Duck where he accidentally transported to Earth, where he was popular.
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great idea like this one.
35433I'm not sure what year, but it's most likely when Neil Armstrong went to the moon, referring to the thing Little Neil:My Little Astronaut.
Rush? This seemed rushed, trust me: I know rushed work when I see it.
You gotta look at your work and ask yourself, "what else can I do?" if you can think of a few things like; what didn't I answer or will people get this? then you may not be ready to publish yet.
No hate
Just say'n.
As SouthernCross stated, this fic has alot of flaws, most of them easily rectfied.
Unlike SouthernCross, howeer, I know how hard it is to work things through when you're inexperienced.
The answer is to simply write 'junk' stories to try and get used to adding more detail and such, that's what I did.
it takes time but it's worth it in the end.
Now, that all aside? This story DOES show potential. I've only seen a few 'ponies on earth' fics, and most of them are usually the second half of a human-in-equestria, so they know what to expect.
this, however? this is different, and I'd like to see you continue.
Tiny problem with the story - their discovery of their location on Earth doesn't make sense. After all, an encyclopaedia is simply a collection of knowledge on different subjects - so an 'Earth Encyclopaedia' could be about various subjects to do with Earth ponies, or it could be a geology guide. Of course, had Twilight read it, there are any number of reasons she could discover that she is no longer in Equestria - but she wouldn't get any of them just from the title.
Also, you say this is set in the year we go to the moon? So what, they found Armstrong's childhood hideout? Or is this just some random kid with the same name and same idea?
Next, I must congratulate you on coming up with a slightly more original excuse than 'Twilight messes up' - at least this time it isn't through any fault of her own that the spell went wrong. However, I must also confess to being slightly disappointed by your chosen excuse - considering that he has lived with, and assisted, Twilight for much of his life, it would make more sense that Spike would be able to recognise magic experiments, and that he would know to not interfere with it - even for a tasty diamond.
Still, you have an interesting set up here, so let's see what you can do, hmm?
I would like to see more of this
/ 