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Interesting idea, though I really wish it was fleshed out a bit more.
It's always great seeing someone play with one of those great "what if" questions. They help to challenge the established rules, the histories, and the figures we associate with them. It helps to build creative solutions and open up other avenues of understanding.
That being said, this needs a little work still. The dialog is alright, but the reader clearly is missing pieces, and those pieces may well be pertinent to understanding exactly what's going on.
Example: It's great to leave a bit of mystery where you want to sow doubt, but saying something like Luna found one of them, the one that drowned in a chocolate lake? That's leading, implying there's a greater story that you're going to examine. Unfortunately, that also means we're short on understanding the significance of seeing this pony. Was she resurrected? Recreated? Was time peeled back? Is she simply an automaton, a simulacra to resemble and take that pony's place? Is this all just an illusion? Are they trapped in a dream? Is this a delusion that only Luna saw since she tried to use magic upon the stallion?
These are all possibilities, but while it's a wonderful thought exercise, it leaves both Luna and Celestia's concerns unclear.
Love the premise though. Absolutely love the premise that the Sisters, in their quest to 'save' the ponies end up actually installing the rules of reality that must ultimately destroy all they love and hold dear.
8883725
Ah. In that case, I'll explain. The answers are in the text, but it might take a closer reading to string it all together.
This answers what happened, I think.
One of the ponies who died when the Elements zapped the chaos away, yes, and then was recreated by the Elements.
Thanks for your thoughts! I enjoyed reading them.
Certainly a creepy idea.
Very important thing I'm seeing missing: where's the alternate universe tag? We know this isn't how it used to be. Season 4, and 7, made that clear.
Love the story. But there's too many holes to consider this as show cannon in any remote way.
8883828
Whoops, I thought I had that selected. Fixed, thanks.
8883834
No problem. Makes it easier to read now. For me anyway. Or read it again.
There's a giant hole where the story should be.
8884186
Eh?
An interesting idea, but little more than the bare idea itself. This is more a philosophical thought experiment than a story, and while it's an intriguing one, it could've used a lot more fleshing out.
8884191
It's obvious what the story wants to do but it immediately jumps to 'Celestia and Luna use the Elements of Harmony to reset things the end'.
So the story ends up being....? What? Oh look there's that giant hole again.
8886450
I don't understand what you mean.
8886456
What is the story?
8886458
It's right there. I just checked—it hasn't disappeared.
8886463
I didn't ask you 'where' I asked you 'what'.
8887024
Read the second comment posted on this story for an explanation.
8887028
So the story is there is no story.
Great hole you made.
8887302
There is a story, but it takes a little thought to find it.
8887313
Well I already asked you what the story was so I guess it one of those "its there if you think its there"-stories.
8887339
The story has to do with what the Elements do. It's a what-if scenario where they recreate reality according to the mind of their user.
What idea? They didnt mention an idea.
Also, this entire story is just weird. Like, its hard to figure out what the twist even was since it was so poorly explained and glossed over so quickly. Somepony came back after drowning and that made the sisters suddenly doubt the elements? Weird.
10057731
You likely skimmed the story. Many of the events were implied, as I really hate the anime trope of characters blurting out every thought that comes to them. Try reading behind the lines, this isn’t supposed to be immediately obvious.
10062147
Considering the sheer amount of people that agree with me, or agree with the sentiment that it is poorly thought out, or poorly explained, I'm inclined to say that your explanation was not very good. I also read every word and still thought that the pace was way too fast, its explanations poor or non existant, and the twist so poorly stated that you only recognize its existence when thinking back on the story. Which is definetly not what you want from a twist that should be weighty. A good twist should make you stop and think, you shouldnt have to stop and think to try and figure out what the twist was.
10062197
It’s supposed to be more twisty than weighty, so that explains it. You weren’t going into this with the right expectations. Add in the fact that this story was made for a small group who already anticipated the premise, and outright stating it became not just unnecessary but insulting to their intelligence.
10062298
If you are writing a story exclusively for a small group of people you should consider keeping the story unlisted, and then simply post passwords to it in threads or w/e. Then you'd at least avoid the baffled comment section.
10062674
Oh, don't worry. Most of the people who read it were intelligent enough to understand the plot.
10062722
Petty insults may not be beneath you, but they are beneath me.
So I'll just leave you with some final advice before I go on my way.
If over 3/4 of the comments are mentioning that the story suffers from key structural issues that render it either difficult to understand, or so poorly explained that they arent even wholly certain of what they read then something is very wrong there, and no amount of arguing with every single commenter will change that.
Best of luck next time on the story writing front, and on the keeping your cool front. I'm rootin for ya buddy.
10062749
Oh, I wasn’t calling you unintelligent, I was just saying many people who read this story were smart. It’s a little troubling you interpreted it that way. Are you looking for reasons to be offended? The way you then go into this faux-encouraging tone that actually says nothing kind of points to that being the case. In fact, judging by the way you went to the effort to downvote many of my comments, I suspect you may be incredibly dishonest. Do I know you in real life or did you come stalking me from another website?
This is still one of my favorite creepy stories. It's better as it is rather than "fleshed out".