Daria Morgendorffer, cynical brain at Lawndale High School, manages to get sucked into a land of... horses, I'm assuming?... and has to figure out what to do next. Can she find a way back home, or will she have to learn to live in this strange land?
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As an Daria fan I had to give this a shot.
It seems like it could be a fun story, but there is something that I find awkward.
The frequent perspective switches.
Going back to Helen in Lawndale makes sense. There's no easy way to show Daria's friends and family wondering what happened to her from Daria's POV.
I guess I could even see a perspective switch showing what the ponies think of their new arrival.
What I don't see a reason for is the very brief switch to Twilight. Her seeing Daria falling, panicking a bit, and then rescuing her could have been easily shown from Sunset's POV, thus eliminating one of the jumps in perspective.
Consider jumping POV less frequently, because at least for me it makes it easier to read if I don't have to mentally jump from one character's head to another quite so frequently.
Especially when I'm up too late reading a story before bed.
I remember hearing somewhere that there should be a reason for what you're doing in the story. For example: you don't spend 100 words describing someone's, say, amulet if said amulet is never mentioned again anywhere.
In this case, is there a reason to have those brief few lines of story be from Twilight's perspective? Especially since you just left Sunset's, and she's in the scene?
Aside from that it seems like a good start. I look forward to seeing what you do with this idea. The idea of little miss cynical in happy magical pony land tickles me.
8825054
The thing about the POVs switching so frequently is probably just going to be for the beginning because I'm trying to set the "stage" for everything. Twilight's POV is there, mainly to show that "Hey, GOL has been rebuilt, and the finishing touches are being put on it." I hope that clears things up, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
Thanks!
8825054
I fixed that point in Chapter 2 about Twilight's POV. It now gives some insight as to what she was doing when Sunset goes to her.
Is there anything in this chapter?
?
8827156
When I make a new chapter, I hit the publish button then so I don't forget it. Sorry for keeping you for over half an hour. The reason it was blank was because I had writer's block, so I couldn't figure out where to start. I think I've finally settled on something.
8827147
When I make a new chapter, I hit the publish button then so I don't forget it. Sorry for keeping you for over half an hour. The reason it was blank was because I had writer's block, so I couldn't figure out where to start. I think I've finally settled on something.
Is the main character anthro while the others are normal or are they all anthro?
8827249
Yes. I don't know how to indicate that in the story. The native Equestrians (including Sunset Shimmer from MLPEG) are all normal ponies, while Daria is anthro. If I end up taking some characters from Lawndale (slim chance at best) and putting them in Equestria, they'll be anthro, too.
nice story
and the first one of this crossover not counting the one in the loops fic
8831597
Thanks. I tried to do a gag just now where Rainbow Dash tries on Daria's glasses at 02:00 in C6. There's a link to a (crappy) thing I did in GIMP just now.
Wow, I didn't expect to see this at Fimfic.
Good intro, wonder why she got dragooned.
I'm tracking this due to the sheer hilarity of Daria's life in Equestria.
8825074
I have to agree with Molerat here, the frequent POV's changes could've been reduced somewhat. If you're able to secure the help of an editor, I'll be willing to re-read the edited story.
Onwards to the next chapter!
Huh, no wonder it felt short.
To be honest, this chapter could be fleshed in better. I'll be waiting for when it happens.
Too short for my bookwormish tendencies.
I must admit, that the pacing felt off in this chapter - and while the dialogue lines were spot-on, it was confusing to me as I couldn't tell who was saying what to who, and why.
It felt chaotic. I hope this chapter gets cleaned up - as it is got potential.
Huh, so this chapter clarifies my question that happened in the previous one.
I'd still like to re-read it when fixed. Pls do.
Then I saw that... thing from the dress shop gright at the bathroom door, "Dissy and I can have you back!"
It's right.
Other than that, it is still somewhat confusing - but I think some editing would solve the issues concerning flow. I'll keep on reading, and I'll be cheering you on to continue this!
8980564
If you can help, I'd be glad to have you as an editor. Just say the word, and I'll look for the button to do it.
This chapter comes up as confusing.
How did Sunset Shimmer end up in Daria's world? That isn't portrayed.
The pacing is off, in fact it feels rushed.
I hope you get a hold of an editor in order to see if these things can be corrected, as they detract from what is in fact a neat story.
Pegasuses
It is Pegasi.
This chapter is much better than the previous ones, though the whole 'Sunset gets beaten to death, then resurrected as a vampire' thing comes as off.
Well, the plot thickens!
8980596
The thing about Sunset being killed then resurrecting to a vampire is an idea that I thought gave the story more depth.
8980575
As much as I would like to, I'm currently swamped with editing works that I still owe.
I also would need to re-watch Daria to fully get what you were aiming for, and I'd need for you to clarify several points that are left unclear - for example, how did Daria end up in future CHS, while Sunset ended up in Nineties Lawndale?
I think the last one is something you could actually do without asistance - as it involves you reviewing what you've done so far, and filling in the blanks.
I hope you keep on writing, though - I want to see where you take this story.
PS: If I manage to clear up my burden, and you haven't got anyone else - I'd be happy to assist you in the endeavor.
8980603
Thanks!
I did, just now, try to clear up something. My original thought was "Okay, the portal shouldn't be accessable to 90's Lawndale, so something's haywire with the magic.
8980600
Was that 'vampire thing' really necessary?
Did this story suffer much with using standard canon fare?
Those are questions you need to ask yourself - if the whole 'vampire thing' is nothing but an informed ability, then it is nothing but 'clutter' upon your narrative.
And while life is stranger than fiction, and more chaotic - in writing, one must take care to plan things out deliberately while giving the illusion of chaos. Such is the price of good world-building and characterization.
8980612
Then it needs to be implied in the previous chapters, as many events come out of nowhere.
8980619
Probably a really stupid move, but when I do the chapter for when Daria is in Luna's office, some things are going to be revealed. I have a plan for this that I can only hope people are gonna enjoy.
8980633
Fair enough. That is all one can ask.
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