The movie wrapped things up rather nicely. But there were an awful lot of loopholes.
For example, the fact that Tempest Shadow got off with the equivalent of a full amnesty. Along with the Storm King's army. Also the small fact that the newest Princess of Equestria tried to steal the an ancient artifact from the hippogriffs. Also the rampant destruction of that bordertown. And also the harboring of pirates.
There's a lot of things that the world would like to taalk to Equestria about.
The sole two diplomats of Equestria talk about how much they would rather not talk about these problems and complain about crap.
Chapters (1)
Twilight really reminds me Harry Potter, in a sense, and Tempest... meh, probably Draco Malfoy. Their personalities are just like the 2 characters in my opinion XD
Anyway, cool story. 😀
8816025
Thanks.
I liked the movie, but the only thing running in my head is,"How would it look if they had to explain it to the world?"
8816713
Your welcome. 😊
And I wish they would, in the show XD
decided to let, take charge of trade agreements
You have a serious problem with sentences going on too long. You are either in love with commas or afraid of periods.
It's a little unclear whose perspective we're supposed to be seeing through. We get decent samplings of the thoughts of both Blueblood and Raven, where it feels like there's more comedic potential in committing to one of them and having them observe rather than tell the audience outright what the other is thinking. The pompous buffoon or the no-nonsense businesswoman are both fun perspectives for a comedy like this, but one must commit.
That... is not a word. Privateers, however, is a word.
Acknowledging the Mane Six as an in-universe title is just stupid, even in the context of calling it stupid. The title makes no sense in a context where the majority population don't know that the Bearers of Harmony are the protagonists, and only exists in stories like this as a dumb immersion-breaking joke. Nobody reading a story that is using the bog-standard political jargon we've made up for this show is going to be confused by the phrase "Court of Harmony".
What... even is this? Just do an opening quotation mark latched onto It's. There is no reason to have that comma or that other quotation mark there.
Just... [saying, "You look like...]
Okay, no. At this point, literally check every single quotation mark you have, because the above error happens at least another two times and I do not have the patience to specifically address them.
This... is boring. Half of it isn't even about supposedly addressing the issue of "how would this look to the rest of the world", it's just Blueblood bitching about how much of a logistical headache the Mane Six are. Raven mostly just talks in obvious lead-in sentences designed purely to convey exposition, which I'm really not sure how much worldbuilding and exposition you really need in a basic one-joke fic like this.
Because it's just this one joke, "the events of the movie look crazy if described in political terms", but it's done as a conversation between two talking heads instead of any of the more interesting ways to do it, such as actually writing the political summit where all of this would be talking points.
The original Derpy-as-spy version may have been tonally inconsistent, but at least it had an interesting idea of questioning if a selfless sacrifice for the good of the entire nation should be done if you're just a civilian. A question I'm not sure anyone has ever actually asked, but at least it was interesting. This, though? This is just a bunch of run-on sentences and formatting errors trying to tell the 'joke' of how crazy a cartoon plot sounds in actual diplomatic terms.
8835217
Where were you all my writing life?
Anyways, this was just a setup for another story, but I decided to publish it as a one shot. This and the other story were actually supposed to be in two separate universes. I will make note of all the advice you tell me to do and improve my writing!
Thanks for helping!
Happy Easter!
8835297
Publishing setup for one story as a separate story is generally a poor strategy. Either have a cohesive enough plan that something like this can be Chapter 1 of the full thing, or design it to be self-contained.
8835999
I'm treating it more as a One Shot. I've established the idea to be much more different. For one thing, Raven Inkwell won't know Blueblood that well.
Assuming I have time to write anything. I have SO many papers to write for school.
I'm of a mixed opinion here...
On the one hoof; you've portrayed the seldom seen Raven quite nicely, and Blueblood a bit differently--but for good reason.
On the other hoof, however; the shift in language mid-story was a touch off-putting. And yes, I do mean going from 'bucking' to 'fucking' like a coin-flip. Perhaps it's just me being picky about that, but still.
And what KingMoriarty pointed out above, grammatically, I would have as well. I also would have offered some assistance rectifying future issues. Raven is my top-fave pony (shame she's more comic-heavy than in the show), and hope to see where this story goes from here.
I'll hold off on thumbing up/down for now, BUT rest assured, this story is bookmarked/tracked.
8862332
Thanks. I'm glad you liked it well enough to comment. As many authors say, comments are the author's food pellets.
>>Philosophysics
Trust me, I know exactly how it is. I don't have any stories here... BUT I do have some
Pokemon fics.(not sure if I'm really allowed to plug-in off-site content, but PM me if you wanna check them out.)