During the course of a late night study session, Twilight Sparkle accidentally Conjures up a tremendously powerful spell that manages to pull me into equestria. but not only that, it even ponifies me into my allicorn known as Sonic Longstride. so what exactly happens to me? how will i react? what will become of the town? only one way to find out
this is a slightly different take on the whole "human in Equestria thing"
not only that but i basically break the fourth wall the entire time with my knowledge
Chapters (2)
Chapter 1: Insertion
Come on, I can't be the only one that sees it, right? Right?!
Ok, I can tell this is going to be bad. OC alicorns are always a sign of bad fanfiction, unless it's a Fallout Equestria story. Still, I'll read and see i've if been proved wrong.
Edit: ...and I was right. Sorry, but to be frank, IT'S BORING. It's very stereotypical and bland. Why should I care about this random guy? Why did you have to make him an alicorn?
984318
I feel like the only one who doesn't like Fallout Equestria stories
Not sure if serious...
I should warn you, these are two paths new authors should NOT tread: Alicorn OCs and 'Human in Equestria'. Self inserts are also a 'no' for any writers, unless you're actually writing an autobiography.
Now, off the subject matter and onto the grammar, spelling and syntax. Capitalization. You have a few words that are capitalized that shouldn't be. Spelling and grammar aren't bad at all, but you use the same words over and over sentence after sentence sometimes, like when you used 'awoke' twice right at the beginning of your self-insert's introduction. Try to get yourself a proofreader of sorts to help you with something like this. And lastly, it is very much too short for an introductory chapter. Personally, I try to make each chapter of my stories at least 2500 words. It takes a while, but you'll get it as long as you follow the wise words of folks like myself and those who actually want to see writers with potential, like yourself, get better.
Believe me, compared to a story I saw on this site earlier today, your story was quite the godsend, but it's definitely not something a starting-out fic writer should begin with. Try to think up a different idea...any idea! But keep it revolving around only the canon cast for now. Don't delve into OC ponies unless you've got a friend or two to help you develop him/her, and definitely never do a self-insert. Again, I've seen some stories that have taken that and set fire to it within the first sentence of their fic.
With that said, I hope you, unlike many others I've tried to help in the past, take my words and use them to better yourself and your future stories, and I look forward to seeing something interesting coming from you. Good luck.
984354 Don't worry, you're not.
This fic sucks, by the way. GrimoireFantasia is dead on.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24072466.jpg
You tread on the fine line of OC creation, and have bombed.
Tired circumstance to get to Equestria - Strike One
No spacing in conversation pieces - Strike Two
Being entirely too short to capture attention or explain who this character is supposed to be - Strike Three, You're Out.
So here's whatcha gotta do.
To alleviate Strike One, give Twilight a reason to delve into alternate dimensions, again, while this is overused, you can still have a reason behind it.
To fix Strike Two, just space out your paragraphs! For example...
When next I came to, I found I was in a hospital, my mind a jumbled up mess of frantic thoughts about where I was and what was going on. At one point I even thought I might be dead but the full body cast and constant throbbing pain in my head reminded me that being dead, was not a possibility. As I looked around the room I saw two things in my immediate vicinity: the first a chart stating that my bandages were to be taken off today, and the second was, what I was now assuming, an old x-ray showing an Allicorn’s body with most every bone in its body broken. "There’s…no way that’s me….just no way…but if it is…could I be…a…pony?" I thought to myself. "But…if it is true…and this is real…then…"
Just then my thoughts were interrupted by what appeared to be an orange unicorn with what appeared to be a mark of an EKG machine on his flanks. When he saw I was awake he seemed rather startled. “Oh!” He said, “Y-you’re awake! We- we didn’t think you would wake up for quite awhile longer, after all you were unconscious for a whole month…uh h-here let me get those bandages for you,” The orange unicorn said.
As he began to undo the bandages I was wrapped in, my eyes began to widen with a combination of bewilderment, and joy as I began to realize where I was. When all the bandages had been undone I first asked if there was a full-body mirror anywhere nearby. When I was shown to one I stared myself up and down. I was no longer a human. I was now a white bodied, flared, white winged unicorn with a spiked back gold mane and blue eyes with the same styled tail design. On both flanks I had what appeared to be a cutie mark of a golden laurel wreath which, I presumed to symbolize victory. It was at that point, when I was smiling greatly at myself in the mirror, that the orange unicorn asked me if I was okay I assured him I was better than okay and asked him to tell me where exactly I was. He replied quizzically with, “Um, Equestria sir, Ponyville to be exact. Um are you…sure you’re okay? You seem a little…too happy.”
^Here's your free editorial piece, if you want more, get someone else.
Finally, the Third Strike. What was this character's life like? Was it just dull and boring? Did he live with someone? Is there more detail that can be put in the woods that he was originally in? What are some of the opinions of the Mane 6 about this sudden column of light from the sky? What sort of panic did Ponyville go through? What was the mission given by Celestia? THERE ARE SO MANY PLACES THAT CAN BE EXPLAINED, ELABORATE ON THEM!
To anyone that bothered reading this lengthy piece, I'm sorry, but if a writer's gotta learn, it better be in the greatest detail that can be offered, instead of just thumbing down a fic and leaving nothing.
984393 Thanks for writing this, far more helpful than the comments I left.
984401 I just don't like it when I read a story and there's a lot of thumbs down and no response on how the author can fix it, it burns me up to see things like that. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I at least say what's on my mind about something before doing something about it.
I think I am smelling the Misanthropy off of this story, let me check. No, but it is still bland and overused.
984281 Aww that's nasty.
984451 Hint: It has NOTHING to do with sex/clop/etc.
Come on guys. It's not that hard.
984281
No I see it too.
I mean if I couldn't see it I couldn't read it, now could I?
984472 Oh, well nevermind.
However, I have no Earthly idea of what you are talking about.
984485 "self" insert
Well, it's not the worst thing on this site.
984372
Hey now, it's not impossible to make a good HiE self-insert. I myself am taking a crack at it, and it's seeing outstanding results so far. I will agree though that alicorn OCs are horrible ground to tread.
984393
Also, this. Proper characterization is sadly lacking in a lot of entries in this genre, and is something I too take very seriously in my own writing.
Self inserts are always good fun if you kill them off in the chapter they appear. For great justice, of course.
984281 No! Bad Lucefudu! Back in your hole!
See, the problem is, people like seeing stuff that's either A: New stuff. Or B: Stuff that's well done. So my advice to you is try to find something new to do instead of trying the same old hat-trick.
985043 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png
985046 Oy! I swear to all that is holy if you pee on the carpet or make another dirty joke again I AM going to get out the newspaper roll!
984608 Apologies, I was just generalizing what I've read in the past. Though, I'll gladly take a look at yours. It'd be nice to add yet another fic to my 'where's the next chapter I'm so damn impatient' list.
985055 Hint: it has NOTHING to do with clop/sex/etc.
985195 I know, I was just playing around.
hey thanks for the constructive criticism guys. i'm new to the whole fanfiction thing (though i do know that's a lame overused excuse) but i have another idea for a human in equestria where a human portals his way using technology he had worked on for years. i also did not know that oc allicorns were a sign of failure. so i appologise for that. i started off a little fast. but i'm trying to work in the other characters using references to other fanfics as well as episodes from the show. i also have know intentions of abusing the whole allicorn thing. i'll be using magic to help people out and only flying once in a while. when i work in rainbow dash in chapter 4 i'm going to have her be injured but train me for the best young flyer competition where i'll do a sonic rainboom and in chapter 3 when pinkie pie comes in, i'm going to reference cupcakes and she will pull out the welcome wagon, song and all (let me know what you think about this as i would love to get your input on this)
(sorry for the excessively long comment by the way)
GrimoireFantasia & Quick Fix: i would like to personally thank these two for their helpful advice as to what i did wrong/ how i can fix it. as for you GrimoireFantasia i would like to ask you for what another story with cannon characters i could make could be. for a villain i have Queen Chrysalis (as Discord is widely overused) and her quest for revenge for the wedding. as for my grammar in this story, well i wrote most of this in the company of my friend at 1 in the morning and beyond and neither of our brains apparently worked at that time. so sorry
also Lucefudu, my title for the first chapter (Insertion) was a reference to Crysis 2. the first level/ song was called Insertion....but amazing job with your realization! i never even thought of that.
also i will make it a plan to fill in the plot holes in chapter 2 with twilight.
also once again my apologies for the allicorn thing. i did not know the horrible implications of that until just tonight
1007770 It's good to hear that you're taking the criticism well.
I'm going to keep an eye on you, hopefully you can become a good writer as time passes, and trust me, I believe anyone can become a good writer.
Make those words I told you in that post to heart, I can trust that you can turn this around.
You may have been introduced, but I hope these comforting words will give you a boost! (Score one for Zecora moment!)