Luna's Return

This is a fic of Celestia and Luna talking shortly after Luna being cleansed on Nightmare Moon. I don't like how most fics portray it though, with Luna begging for forgiveness, when she wasn't the only one in the wrong, so I wrote my own. I hope y'all like it.

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Doctor Disco

Doctor Disco #1 · Jan 17th, 2018 · 1 · ·

I want to begin this comment by saying that the parts that I read are fairly amazing, and the interactions are good, but they could be better.

*cracks knuckles*

I don't want you to take any of this the wrong way, as I will do my best to provide constructive criticism, but if I do offend, I apologise in advance.

Walls of text. No one likes them. The however-many first paragraphs of the story were just so huge that I couldn't help but skim through them at best. I'm sure they were packed with wonderful exposition and prose, and this being a 3.5k story I am proud of you for writing this, but you must understand. No one likes a big block of text that eventually, if the paragraph ends up being stale, will lose their place in the paragraph. Or they won't read it at all.

Here's something you can use to remember when to split paragraphs. Time, Place, Topic, Person. Tip Top.

Sometimes, you can even split one topic into two paragraphs! Almost as if it doesn't have to be a big block of text! /sarcasm

Other than that, there are only a few grammatical and spelling errors I found in what I've read, but I hope you take all this into account. Especially if you're trying to a hook a reader into reading your story. Sometimes, for people who like punctual and to-the-point starts, a goliathan paragraph as the first thing we see is a huge turn off, but your description, title, cover-art and short description were good enough to hook someone like me, who rarely takes time out of his day to read new stories, to read your story.

I'll take time to fully go through it just for you so I can help even a little more. Don't be discouraged, and if anyone tries to attack you as an author through your writing, that isn't criticism, yell back all you want.

Comment posted by SheabeePrime deleted Jan 17th, 2018

SheabeePrime

SheabeePrime #3 · Jan 17th, 2018 · · ·

8675579
Oh thank you! I don't mind the constructive criticism at all! I kinda was wondering about splitting up my big long paragraphs in the beginning, as my style there is more essay like than fic like (college does that to ya lol) but just decided to go with, so I totally get what you're saying. I might change it eventually. But thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I started this piece a year ago and recently put alot of effort into it as to finish it. I'm currently working on trying to strength my dialog skill set. I usually hate dialog which is what gets me into the essay-like block paragraphs. So, that's my justification for the interactions not being what they could, although I appreciate you saying that they were at least tolerable, if not good. Anyway, thank you again. I can tell that you are really into reading and analyzing, like myself, which makes your comment even more valuable to me.

Culture_Shock