- Member Since 5th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
Hunter Knight
Just someone whose creativity switches from On to Off, but it's actually unplugged right now too.
Hunter Knight
Joined 5th Sep, 2014 ·
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You use parts from Hellsing Ultimate.....
BUT NOT THE GUNS?!
8653535
Lol, I'm pretty sure last I checked guns don't exist in Equestria, and this is really supposed to be based of the legend of Van Helsing, a Monster Hunter and a huge Vampire Slayer soooo.... XD
Dude getting goosebumps from the last few lines. This rocks so far, keep it up and have a favorite ⭐.
8653542
Then why did you meantion Hellsing Ultimate then?
8653551
Because it was one of the inspirations to make this story, that is it. I took inspirations from many more things than just Hellsing Ultimate.
8653546
I'm excited to be writing this...like very.
8653558
Is luna gonna be Twilights version of Seras ?
8653587
As I said, Hellsing is only an Inspiration, I'm not gonna directly rip it off because I never finished the series :/
Definitely keeping my eye on this one. Keep up the good work.
Reads it... O_O this is going to be a great fiction....
nice work.
I NEED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT A CROSSOVER OF ANYTHING AT ALL, IT IS MERELY JUST BASED OFF THE STORY OF VAN HELSING!
8653650
WELL I NEED MOAR
8653706
You will, don't worry but my other stories need chapters added as well ;)
The start reminded me of:
"They are rage, brutal and without mercy.
But you will be worse.
RIP and TEAR until it is done!"
Don't know why, but I like it
This feels like a badass DOOM girl more then anything but still good
8653979
Yep that was a Direct inspiration, I couldn't help myself.
8654089
I will make sure of that, but I also must take care of my other stories as well XD
8654133
I think I will be putting a couple stories on hold for now since they're the oldest ones I have lol.
*rubs chin* Impressive. Most impressive. This looks like its going to be quite the adventure.
Personally from the clothing of Twilight on the cover and so far the content has particularly made me remember Bloodborne. and already I like ^^
Oh yes yes yes, this pleases me >< I have some minor tips about what the Hell went down there, but let's not jump into conclusions :D I can't wait to see more of this! I already love our main mistress ><
I am intrigued will be watching this one
I love badass Twilight stories. This one as already me sold so keep on the good work.
While the idea is good and something that I would love to read, your grammar and prose just make this story unenjoyably for me. You keep changing between past and present tense, and you use more ellipses then I've ever seen anyone use before. It just gets very disorientating and makes the whole thing rather dull to read.
Still, congratulations for getting into the feature box.
It looks like you started writing in present tense but then switched to past tense here. I suggest sticking to just past tense that way all the verbs stay the same and there is no need to distinguish between present and past events. Reading through as it stands now, the tense changes even within sentences.
This word should probably be "hilt". The base of the handle is below the grip and called the pommel. "... skull at the hilt of the blade."
You say you want a badass Twilight, but I am not sure if this is Twilight. This is someone else in what used to be Twilight's body.
8655042
Thanks, and that last part will be explained as the story goes on >:)
8654835
Thanks, and nobody's perfect.
Ellipsis are something I'm trying to work on as well as the Grammar but I don't know anyone who'd help me with proofreading and such so I'm stuck with free Grammarly, but thanks again.
Also my first time being featured ^^
8655071
Unless you want to, you don't need to correct all the tense errors in this chapter, but have it in mind going forward. Leaving all actions in past tense is easy and you don't need to worry about when an action happened or is happening, cause it is all in the past.
I can help you here and there with grammar and punctuation but I don't edit stories like I used to on account of less available time.
8655089
I will, and trust me this is Twilight but something happened in that tomb, I won't say though XD
8655091
Well, you will say; just not now. We, as the readers, have to wait to get more info on what really happened.
It may be just the first chapter, but it IS an interesting idea. However, I do feel the very beginning of this story/chapter is a bit clunky, while the latter half of the chapter seemed to move too fast.
All in all, an alright start... but when it comes to gothic, horror fantasy stories that involve the macabre and monster slaying, it would be wise to to take your time to build on the atmosphere in the beginning. Make the readers believe that they are in this dark, violent, gore stained world where mysteries are dangerous and the monsters are numerous, hungry, and aggressive.
On top of this, while I do believe that HelTwi is supposed to be a badass, it wouldn't hurt if you made her actions a bit shaky at first. She JUST woke up after who knows how long, inside of a hybrid body no less, with hazy memories at best. I'm not saying full on handicap her, but she should be at least a bit more vulnerable than the invincible you seemed to have portrayed her as. After that, ya know, you can have her grow in skill as she moves forward on her journey, just as she begins to learn more about herself (her old life AND the new one).
With this said, for future chapters, I'll file this one into the read it later. I hope to come back for chapter 2.
8655042
I have to agree. The fact that Twilight doesn't even remember her own name, and can lose control to the other personality does not bode well for Twilight to be around much longer before her mind is replaced by the other.
This is made even more clear with that final line:
considering her castle is there, this Twilight had been an alicorn for some time before going into the tomb. so this tells me that the other mind is going to be more in control than Twilight ever will be, even more so in combat.
Now the author could go in a different direction with maybe Twilight's mind coming out on top and staying the dominant half, the other mind being expelled but staying anthro, or the two of them merging completely to become... idk Twilight Helsing? Hel Sparkle? anyway.
I will reserve judgement for the time being, but i will say this: I'm not a fan of using a known character's name and face to mask an OC that will become dominant or have significant screen time compared to Twilight in this instance. (or crossover character if that is the case).
As for being so quick to be good at fighting, I hope this story doesn't have her ride on this mysterious other personality for all her combat moves. if you wanted that, just put in a second character (in a different body) to train Twilight over time.
8655324
As I said everything will be revealed within time, but I will clear up and say that no, Twilight will not be taken over, nor will Helsing, they are just confused right now but both can only remember specific things,
As for masking an OC, Helsing is not an OC, again this is based on the stories of Van Helsing the Legendary Monster Hunter, the one who slays Dracula, the Wolfman, etc...I have basically made Equestria's or Equis' version of Helsing, so I guess you can say that MLP's Helsing is my OC, but I don't want to say that because there might be stories already of an MLP version of Helsing, maybe not mine but still.
I'm trying to be as clear as possible without spoiling anything. If you do want spoilers explanation, ask me to PM you.
EDIT: I should expect comments like this because when you leave cliffhangers like that, you're gonna see theories and assumptions XD, I can see why everyone will think that they're theories are possibly right, because I would think so, but no I have it figured out already and I have it written in my notes so have patience and please don't be salty that your theories are wrong.
Nice. Good start, and I can’t wait for more.
I have no problem with it, But why is Twilight the only anthro? It just... Idk how to describe it. Feels weird.
8655881
The original idea was that the whole world was anthro but I wanted there to be something unique and different so transforming her anthro was I thought the best way so, plus I wanted an excuse to give off more references and inspirations like Selene from Underworld and Alice from Resident Evil, and the Cover Art is another reason.
Not sure if this is my jam, but I felt the need to chime in anyway because of the cover art, which is a very clear callback to Vampire Hunter D.
And that makes me smile.
You know what? I don't know if this is the sort of story I'll like, but I'm going to give it a try anyway, just because you made me smile.
8656005
Heh, trust me, I think you'll like this ^^
Interesting, I'll keep an eye on this
I wanna see some more of this, yes yes I do. Not normally one for vampire stuff, but it's definitely interesting.
a first chapter feature should tellya somethin.
My little pony, my little pony, what is friendship all about..?
8656366
Blood, Death, and Slaying!
...I am very lonely.
Jesus, that description is a train wreck. While I like the idea of a badass Twilight, because, truly, she's one of the top five ponies, I would never be able to bring myself to read this until you learn how (and how not to) write. For the love of god, please find a proof-reader, somebody actually qualified to do so, and an editor (same as above). Not only will it help you here, but will further your future endeavors down the line.
Also, fetishizing just Twilight for the sake of references is perhaps the worst thing I've seen done in quite some time.
8656437
🔫
This is really interesting. I'm liking the idea of this story and the world. Please, keep writing.
So the mistress is awake now hm? Excellent!
8656697
Omg, I definitely will, I am a fan of your work!
8656437
Fetishizing? Because I made her anthro you assume I am Fetishizing?
Thanks for the Criticism, but make sure the criticism doesn't sound like your bashing the author almost, not that I don't care but just make sure you don't push someone's buttons so easily.
Anyhoo thanks.