- Member Since 4th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
kildeez
I like writing ponies. And violent explosions. For some reason, that's not a problem here.
kildeez
Joined 4th Jan, 2013 ·
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.....I had to do it. I immediately saw this in my head after reading
in the short description.
8612068
And now I need to work that in as a joke somehow. As a Wiseau fan, I can't believe it never even occurred to me before.
So ashamed...
Well, at the least, I'm interested.
8612155
I shall try my best, I kinda spent a year doing my best to write ahead.
Hey kildeez,
I was wondering if you would allow me to add this story to the Post-Fall folder of Schorl Tourmaline's Fall of Equestria Fangroup.
8612216
Hey, sure
8612219
Thanks. Done.
I'm confused, it says the Caribou tried to revive Dainn, but they got him. Though it also goes on a spiel about Equestria needed a hero, implying that they summoned him, and then the intro with both in separate bodies? Confusing as fuck, though tracking because it seems very interesting
In the description, when I got to "What they got was me" I thought this would be a Deadpool Fic
8612253
Better?
8612308
Much, thanks for that.
Much like, very intrigue, more is requested.
8614176
glad some people are likin it...
Honestly, I'm interested. Hope this story is updated soon I can't wait to see how he ended up fighting that arsehole Diann.
8614720
Aww, thanks! And technically, it's Dainn. Supposed to be all Scandinavian and crap, I dunno
My mind could only cook up so much, maybe if I put myself through a shitload of pain, like maybe if I climbed one of these bigass trees and threw myself off, or maybe if I built a fire and stuck my arm in…
…oh God, I’m cooking! THAT’S MY FUCKING ARM COOKING OH GOD OH JESUS OH GOD NO PLEASE FUCK NO JESUS GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT…
okay... this part confused me a little, we spent every sentence before mostly in his inner dialogue and the jumpcut then really threw me off- I assumed that also just happened in his head and I looked back up to see if there was a sentence where he made a fire... then I read the part after to see if a fire was mentioned again...
If you spend this long in an inner monologue, you need to spend a few more words to lead the reader back into reality. "Welp, can't hurt to try." I thought and like the dumb mofo I was, I actually made a bonfire and stuck my frikkin arm in it.
…oh God, I’m cooking! THAT’S MY FUCKING ARM COOKING OH GOD OH JESUS OH GOD NO PLEASE FUCK NO JESUS GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT…
yeah, not my brightest of plans
8639275
Fuck...that's pretty good
8639278
huh. your style IS pretty fun, I'll give you that
I wonder if i can get a caribou OC in the story?......
Just wondering....
8640905
Might be doable, message me.
HA, I saw the abridged references. I can't remember were it's from but I know it.
8641016
dang, which part was that?
The idea of Dain killing the carribou that love him so is delightful.
8641097
“I am gonna kiss you and love you and squeeze you and hug you and call you George…” It's Darick but close enough.
8642071
Actually it's a Daffy Duck reference
8642650
hun, I guess it can be from multiple things.
8642692
Yeah I think the abridged series got it from Daffy. Shit be classic yo
I feel like this is dragging a bit.
When can we get to this dude killing caribou already and stop pretending everything is joke and is going to be okay.
Also correct me if am wrong but does the protagonist look like dainn or human.
8645522
Dainn man, Dainn
8919957
Right now :)
Will this story have any sex scenes, implied or otherwise, where the woman does most or all of the work?
Thanks for the update. Gotta admit the Dread pirate/Westley quote was a fun touch and I'd like to think most people on this site would recognize it. I mean c'mon the joke is only mostly dead.
*scurries to hide in a corner*
9015619
Good. Stay in your corner and think about what you've done.
9015582
Nope. What a weirdly specific question, btw
Awesome update, thank you.
Very glad to see this story still alive.
9017634
Thank you!
Bloody hell, that was awesome!! fuckin more!! pls
Would love to see more of this, please continue!
you where doing great at first, but now its just taking way to long for chapters to come out, I get that writing a great chapter does not come instantly and takes time, trust me I get that, but I think your being a bit to slow, keep in mind this comment is not mean to be rude, far from it I'm trying to help you, I love this story, but I'd like to see chapters come out more than once a year, the rate you have for this story right now, and if your to busy to continue it on a monthly basis, put it on hiatus until you actually have the time to focus on it and give it glory
9691718
9453958
9079488
I'm sorry everyone, so so sorry, but this story just doesn't have the reception that I was looking for. I have two other stories up that need to be finished, and beyond that, I was hoping to continue my writing away from fimfiction. So to that end, I just don't think this particular story is worth continuing on. I was putting off cancelling it, but I realize that's just stringing people along, and you don't deserve that.
Thank you for reading, I hope I might see you around elsewhere. I'm truly, truly sorry.
9691740
Very sorry to hear that, i really loved your take on FoE.
9691740
Maybe I shoulda kept my mouth shut.......
9692579
No, this is something I've been meaning to do for awhile, it's not your fault, it's just finally made official.
9693125
ok......
I really like the comedic narration in this story- these long, hyperbolic descriptions of the caribou's behavior and appearance are great at showcasing the ludicrous absurdity of their entire "shtick". As a result, this is one of the few places where a human-in-Equestria actually kind of works and is helpful, since the POV character has an outside perspective to react to all of this and the ability to contextualize a very bizarre situation in terms that the audience can better understand.
Beyond that, though, things start to go downhill.
The number one problem I have with the story is that the tone is extremely inconsistent. Sometimes it's comedic, which is fine, but other times it tries to be actually serious and pretty grimdark and the two do not mesh well. I suppose it's possible to synthesize these elements into black comedy (another anti-FoE author does this really well here with the Twilight Velvet stuff) but that doesn't really happen here. This severely undercuts the better, parodic side of the story, and is a very common pitfall in anti-FoE 'fics in general. By spending so much time in this edgy, Passion of the Christ-style abuse-porn you're conceding a lot of rhetorical "ground" to FoE and essentially doing what it wants- tearing down Equestria and making all the characters have teh sadz 5evar. Sure, eventually they do fight off the Caribou, but nothing ever quite goes back to the way it was before and we still had to slog through a whole bunch of terrible grimderp bullshit to get there.
The RD-shipping stuff is also really, really out of place. Part of this is the tonal issue outlined above- the POV guy goes from freaking out because he just walked into what is basically a concentration camp and losing his lunch, to checking out a girl's ass and making snarky jokes, and back again like someone's turning a switch on and off. Sometimes these positions overlap in a really strange fashion and we get RD being distracted from years of captivity and torture by a lame sex joke. The fact that everyone is kept anthro even though there is no reason to hold to FoE's laughable excuse for 'canon' here (I could see the anthro elements being retained so that the story could snark on its use in vanilla FoE, but that doesn't really happen), and the fact that the POV character is the sort of generically-relatable college student that typically appears in HiE shipfics, make the whole thing seem like pretty blatant wish-fulfillment tacked onto a setting it has no place being in.
So, yeah, overall this had great potential, but wound up sinking under issues that are sadly common both to anti-FoE 'fics and MLP 'fics in general.
9894955
I actually greatly appreciate this, thank you!
9895036
Glad to hear it; if you are planning to continue or rework the story I do have a few suggestions.
9895141
I might have a rework in mind, hit me!
9899074
Well, probably my broadest suggestion is one that I have for a lot of anti-Fall 'fics in general: let the Fall fail before it can really get into gear. Keep the Princesses on the throne and the majority of Equestria under their control. Not only does this hedge against excessive grimderpness, but it showcases how ineffective and poorly-conceived the caribou's invasion plan actually is. Maybe have them be something like bandits or pirates where there isn't really a single stronghold of them and they can't compete with Equestria in a standup fight, but they sneak around and show up where they are least expected or wanted for a little while. Maybe have their mind control be more sporadic and insidious, where just a single house or a single village at random gradually starts to get hornier and hornier and then suddenly devolves into full-Fall mode- this is an attractive option in particular because it allows you to engage with FoE's demented boner-logic without it being smeared over the entire world and having no contrast or point of comparison. Or maybe Equestria is starting to push back up into Hraljord/Caridoon itself. Or don't do any of those things; I don't think there's any particular inherent flaw in this story's idea of a major caribou incursion having occurred and then been pushed back, it just needs to have a better synthesis between the snarky elements and the legitimately horrible stuff (something I'll be able to address in more detail in a little bit).
Whatever you do, my one personal request would be that you find some way to keep the Crystal Cock around, because my inner ten-year-old finds the idea of this entire Viking/Mongol/Nazi/rejected-Mudvayne-concept-album edgy rapist horde of rapey edgelords being primarily sustained by a revolving sparkly dildo far too entertaining to pass up. Perhaps its effects are much weaker or have been contained somehow, but everypony is still trying to figure out how to change it back because they need the Heart to keep the Crystal Empire's weather shield up and, well, you can't have that thing out where fillies can see it.
I also seriously considered the idea of the caribou having such small dicks that mares consider being raped by them more of an inconvenience, but it doesn't address all of the other methods the caribou have of making Equestrians' lives miserable, and there wasn't really a joke to it other than just 'the caribou have small dicks', and we'd lose the wonderfully-appalled descriptions of their exposed naughty bits, so it's probably a nonstarter.
Another thing that may help with the tone, and also the wish-fulfillment/generic-HiE qualities of the protagonist, would be to make him someone like a medical examiner or a homicide detective who has a lot of experience dealing with dead bodies and general gross shit instead of just a college student. I think that this kind of very cynical, vaguely noir-style tone would fit really well with the setting, and not only would being jaded enough not to lose his lunch at every fresh instance of caribou brutality ('caributality'??) help with the mood-swing problem but it'd also provide a knowledge base from which he could snark on the caribou's various anatomy, hygiene, and effective-muderizing fails.
In fact, I could easily see this character, combined with the 'Fall logic popping up in random places' idea up above, being part of some sort of official group charged with locating and resolving popups- "fedoras are my beat"- although in that case there really isn't even much of a point in the HiE or "Dainnplaced" elements at all.
Another kind of sideways proposal to that would be to make this more of a classic parody-displaced 'fic where the POV character is a straight-Fall fan or fanwriter who thinks it would be fun to travel to the FoE world as Dainn and then realizes that is, in fact, not fun- either because the Equestrians kick his ass, or because he somehow failed to understand just how awful everything about the setting actually was until he was inside it.
Both of these are drifting farther and farther away from what the original story concept is, however, and the latter one I think it pretty similar to a lot of other stories that are overall kind of mediocre.
You would definitely get more views and less flack if you made the POV character not a human insert but some other creature that is an outsider to Equestria while still being a native part of the MLP world- a griffon adventurer or a zebra, for instance, or possibly a villain like the Storm King. However, that would also constrain the type of jokes you can make, especially when I think there are parallels both insightful and funny to be drawn between FoE in-U and the wider context of IRL internet edgelord man-children that spawned it.
One gag I am a little surprised you didn't already use would be that, since Mark ended up as a clone of Dainn in Equestria, Dainn might have ended up as Mark either in Equestria or on Earth- where, presumably, this little pudgy scrub of a guy ranting about crystal cocks and sun-sluts would promptly be arrested for indecent exposure and subjected to many, many drug tests.
Lastly, I know I said the Dash shipping was kind of the worst part of the story but on further reflection if some of the character, structure, and tone issues were straightened out I think there is a place for it in that it can provide a counterpoint to FoE's concepts of sexuality and relationships (I cannot believe I just typed that with a straight face). Just make the changes in her behavior a little more gradual and steady, focus more on Mark being impressed by her skills and personality, and maybe add in a few other characters for for them to play off of. And stop having Mark check out her ass every five minutes; even disregarding the sudden tone shifts it causes he should be able to find something else to focus on. Making Mark less just awkward and more misanthropic would also help with this.
I hope this all makes some kind of sense; it's kind of a collage of different elements I was thinking about as I read through what currently exists of this story and also other anti-Fall stories.
9899536
Let me just say that I am stealing "Caribrutality" for future use, and thank you for it :)
Nice! Honestly I think this would have been great but still nice work💕