Ponyhammer 41K

Hey its that Pony #1 · Nov 10th, 2017 · · · Setting 3: Twilight's Legion of Dust and Fate ·

While I admit that I'm a terrible self critic, I think I can give some decent advice about this.

I am a little worried about these chapters being too much exposition with little storytelling, so you may want to look out for that. For now, the first three chapters are ok.

=1st Chapter
In the first chapter you described the armor of the Pinkamenia cultists twice, which makes one of them redundant. I think you could have found a way to do it once while still telling the story.
You have already built up these characters to be pretty big threats. They've killed a star system with a single ritual (Though I assume it was one of significance) and one of them has a voice that can cut things with sound alone. Make sure that's the sort of power levels you want them to be at.
=

Another thing I've noticed. I feel like you might be overdoing it with the horse puns. I think you can still call the "coltists" cultists for example. It feels like you're trying to remind the reader that this is a Warhammer/MLP crossover every paragraph. If you overdo it, it starts to get old pretty quick, especially since there's only so many horse puns you can make.

Same with the character names. These are still the pastel mutant horses we've come to enjoy, try to throw around more pony sounding names. Horse pun names will only go so far before they all start to blend together.

=2nd Chapter
Starting to see some Slaanesh mixing into your Nurgle a little here. Just a little
=

=3rd Chapter
I liked this one a little more. I feel like I got to know the two introduced characters a bit more than the ones in the first two chapters. There was less description and exposition and a little more interaction.
The last couple of paragraphs were a little confusing. Seemed like a bit of a jumbling of words and I wasn't sure who was suppose to be speaking to them, some unknown male entity or Twilight?

PS- So the Rubric Marine equivalents can speak just fine in this setting and have more free will? Not a complaint, just an observation.
=

That's another thing, are the Mane 6 concepts introduced so far suppose to be ethereal gods or more like corrupted "primarchs"? I know the Primarchs are Godlike but Pinkie and Fluttershy got descriptions as though they were more like actual Chaos Gods while Twilight sounds more like a Daemon Prince. It's a little unclear.

And that's what I have for the moment. I hope I've been helpful.

Fiaura

Fiaura #2 · Nov 10th, 2017 · · · Setting 3: Twilight's Legion of Dust and Fate ·

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1. For these characters yes, I want them to be that powerful so when it comes time to see the threat they pose, the story comes together to face them.

2. There is a reason for the lack of interaction in the 1st two chapters and that is because Malal and Nurgle are suppose to be slow. I wish to reflect this in Fluttershy and Pinkamenia's actions now and later. I realize the first 6 pieces of this story are going to be exposition heavy but the 7+ range is where we start to tell the real stories that will lead to the final pieces. It is a slow start and a hard to get into start.

3. Twlight isn't speaking to them, Pinkamenia is (Malal). I need to make that more clear and will work to do so now.

PS - Yes the Rubrics here have retained some of their sentience as well Twilight was the Princess of Friendship, she would keep that friendship as a way to torment those who still had their bodies to their siblings who do not.

I will be explaining how but the Mane 6 are no longer Primarchs instead they now fill the place of the Chaos Gods themselves, save for Rainbowdash due to her being the element of loyalty. It will make more sense soon enough but you are right the exposition here is quite heavy and I wish I had another way to tell them and am open to suggestions to fix that.

BusterBuizel

BusterBuizel #3 · Dec 12th, 2017 · · · Inquisitor 2: Heresy Begets Heresy ·

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I hope the adventures of Cumlord Chode Sucker, Guzzler of all Semen makes an appearance

Fiaura

Fiaura #4 · Dec 12th, 2017 · · · Inquisitor 2: Heresy Begets Heresy ·

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8604824
Not sure how to respond to that.

BusterBuizel

BusterBuizel #5 · Dec 13th, 2017 · · · Inquisitor 2: Heresy Begets Heresy ·

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8605232
*reference to your stream lol*

Fiaura

Fiaura #6 · Dec 13th, 2017 · · · Inquisitor 2: Heresy Begets Heresy ·

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8606704
I know I just didn't expect it to make it here which makes me giggle

sevenofeleven

sevenofeleven #7 · Jan 1st, 2018 · · · Setting 3: Twilight's Legion of Dust and Fate ·

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8541715
Apologies if I've shown up too late.

There are a bunch of ways to get around some of the exposition.
But sometimes you just gotta tell folks stuff.

1. People talking to each other.
A briefing or a class lesson.

Lets say you get a Leader going over the ruinous powers for recruits.
The recruits don't know so you avoid the, "They should know this already." situation.

Conversation can qualify as being like action because it's more interesting than a bunch of expo.

Someone says something and moves.
The other person reacts and asks questions.

2. Someone looking at a book or some sort of visual media.

3. Decide if the reader needs to know this now
Maybe this info can be dribbled in later?

---
I would suggest that you spend a bit of time describing the new scene.
Why?
It helps to create a mood for the rest of the chapter or that scene.
Also it helps readers sense your the world of your story.
Also you can give clues on the nature of things with a good scene setup without saying things directly.

The one with the Pinkie cult was quite good but the Twilight chapter, I have no idea what this place looks like.

And no, you can't leave it to the reader's imagination because if you say nothing, the readers see nothing.
You miss an opportunity to show the readers something interesting.

The purple and black mists swirled silently across a scorched purple ground. Flickering scenes from other worlds appeared and faded away while purple dust storms blew grit across the black sky. In the middle of one area two figures stood.

-----
Please get a good editor or some prereaders.
No attack.
You have some great stuff here but with some help you can polish up this story to its potential.

Also with prereaders/editors will help with determining if you're explaining things well.
-----

I realize the first 6 pieces of this story are going to be exposition heavy but the 7+ range is where we start to tell the real stories that will lead to the final pieces. It is a slow start and a hard to get into start.

I had to learn this the hard way.
You have to grab readers by the short and curlies from the first chapter or it's goodbye.
Heck, I think it might be the first line or paragraph.

If you're just going for the warhammer crowd, you'll do fine.

sevenofeleven

sevenofeleven #8 · Jan 1st, 2018 · · · Setting 6: Throne of the Twin Sisters ·

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Awesome.

One issue

The blast she had suffered was made of pure chaotic flame straight from the heart of discord himself. And now, as he had done for 10,999 years, 11 months, 29 days, 23 hours, 57 minutes, a single tear rolled down the golden armor. The green rust long since embedded into his helmet; a reminder of his failure to protect them.

It's not clear if it's Discord's armor or Shining armor caught the tear.
A quick tweak could make this part clearer.

Fiaura