This story is a sequel to Nightmare Remnant
It’s been two months since Starlight’s first friendship problem.
Although the mission was a success Starlight’s psyche was damaged due to a nightmare, but Twilight helped her recover and the two revealed their feelings for each other in the process. Since then, the two have started dating and they couldn’t be happier.
Shortly after returning home from a date, the map calls them to a remote town. At first glance it appears that the problem is obvious, but they soon learn that things go deeper than they thought.
Chapters (2)
Great start I hope you will be able to update again soon
Thanks for the update really enjoyed the chapter I hope you will be able to update again really soon
Ok, so, you just wanted a comment. I'll leave you this one now, and another when I've actually read the story, because I'm already seeing a couple things I could advise you on.
First off, this a sequel to a story with only a 4% likes-per-views ratio. 4% isn't bad, per say, but it makes me question how likeable it really was. I hope this is either a passion-project or something that doesn't require the first one, because that last story's lukewarm reception will always drag it down. Just in case, I went and glanced at that one, so I know what happened.
Second of all, the premise. What you have to understand in order to use this is that the bit at the end of that episode, where she's having a nightmare and Luna says it will "damage her psyche", wasn't so much that having nightmares destroys minds, but that it was part of a full-on breakdown she was going through as a result of what was happening. You'll need to really grasp that, and how the ponies around her could and would help her after her breakdown.
Finally, this is a Twilight/Starlight ship-fic. Realize the pros and cons of shipping them. Starlight was literally written, down to her design, to be a mirror of Twilight Sparkle, but without the nurturing and without the friendship destiny. Starlight is also Twilight's former nemesis and student, and there's a reason why people don't date people they've counseled or mentored. I suggest you go talk in the forums of the groups for that particular ship, and see what the people there give you in terms of what worked and what didn't work for them. (you should also promote this story in their folders)
Onto the first chapter!
Ok, read the Prologue and the First Chapter. Missed opportunities abound...
1. You're covering some potentially interesting ground with the "damaged psyche" and nightmares, but you really ought to go look up what that all means and see if you can delve deeper into it.
2. Your prologue should REALLY be better about explaining the events of the previous story, because you DON'T want to force people to read it. Part of the point of starting a new story is like starting a new book: the reader should be able to pick any book up as a standalone and then look at the others if they want more details. I highly suggest you go back and change it.
3. Where are you going with the Trixie stuff? The fact that she's got a "big show" with a "never before seen trick" made me think that she was going to die while Starlight wasn't there to help her or something. It's basically screaming Chekhov's Gun and makes me wonder what the trick was and if the story is there.
4. Starlight is completely cool with being called again after what happened last time? Just like the psychological break down, you have a perfect opportunity to explore concepts like PTSD and instead she's super excited.
5. The train ride took 1 paragraph? What did they do on the train? Was anything interesting said? Missed opportunity for them to use plot-natural downtime for exposition instead of stopping to chatter about it.
6. Same with them walking around and checking into the inn. Was the innkeep mean? How does this village actually function with all the fighting?
Overall, it feels like you're rushing at top speed through the plot, and if you added a bit more detail and got a bit more contemplative, you'd be able to do these things greater justice.
All that said, your writing is better than a lot of the people on this site, and your diction isn't the worst. I'd say you're getting there with that. Aside from everything else, this seems like it could be an interesting read. I can say for sure that the friendship problem is intriguing, but if you don't take time to focus in on or explore anything, it's not really going to be worth a read. Part of me wonders if maybe you should go back and rewrite these chapters to slow down the pace.
Anyway, it's not bad, just full of missed opportunities to really have those moments that make a story good.
You just wanted a comment, so now you have one.
9282934
There’s no story with Trixie’s magic show. That was to help establish how Trixie is currently feeling. I am going somewhere with her but it’s not something that’s covered in this story.
As for Starlight and the PTSD thing, well her fears aren’t really related to friendship problems, it’s what she saw in her nightmare that she’s frightened of, namely Daybreaker. Again, I’m going somewhere with that but I can’t say where I’m going yet because that would require spoilers.
This chapter was only meant to introduce the town and what the problem is, I will be covering more about it in the next chapter that includes what happened at the inn.
And nothing interesting happened on the train but I see your point.
9282900
I beg to differ. Starlight and Twilight make a great shipped pair. Probably one of the best. Better then ridiculous ones like Sparity ( pedophile relationship ) or Fluttercord.
Plus, I would ignore most of those who like to like and dislike stories. Most of the time they are idiots.
And don't date those you have counsaled or mentored? What kind of imaginary world are you living in? I know people who do exactly that and they are some of the best relationships.
9282970
Yeah. Like I said, you're writing isn't bad, it's just that the story, as it is, feels kind of bland and rushed, and there are so many things you can do here to make it way more interesting to read.
9283285
I'm not saying people never do it, but there is a reason why people avoid it. I'm advising the author to understand that reason, because that will add an extra dynamic to the story. They basically put this story in a group asking for feedback, so I gave them a pile of it in hopes it would help them.
Oh, and as for ships, I've seen all of them done in good ways and bad ways.
Fluttercord works if you keep them in character: Discord is crazy and Fluttershy is timid.
Sparity works if you get past the age issue: Greenfire (AU where Spike is an adult) and Fine Wine (Rarity is old and never married, and Spike is still attracted to her) did that REALLY well.
Any ship can be made to work if you work at it...
9283285
At least they haven't had sex. Just a couple of times when Rarity kisses Spike's cheek.
How did I not see that coming? Especially since the Authors note in the last chapter of the last story mentioned PTSD.
9836868
And that’s why I chose Mirror Star’s name.
9836905
Well, it’s a great story so far. Any plans to continue it at all?
9836940
Yes but I have a tendency to procrastinate which is why this story hasn’t been updated in a while.
Trixie seems to be jealous that Starlight is dating Twilight.
10036157
Exactly right. I do have a future story planned where she acts on her jealousy of Starlight but I’m not sure if what I have in mind would be in character for her.
Great story so far. Looking forward towards more.
10260065
Well I posted what I have so far in a blog if you’re interested.
Am I right to assume that that the ¨she¨ Starlight was talking about was Chrysalis?
9283285
I´m neutral to Sparity but it isn´t that bad since the age difference can be interpreted however you want since they have no defined ages. I´m neutral to Fluttercord as I have a headcanon immortals age very slowly(after all Discord and Celestia look pretty young) or the stone spell prevented Discord from aging, but I respect your opinion if you disagree.
10553544
The reason I don't like Fluttercord is because, for all the talk of him liking Fluttershy, he puts her live in danger on purpose more than any other character. I just think Fluttershy deserves better.
As for Sparity, besides the age difference, what I don't like is the fact she knows perfectly well how Spike feels about, so she uses that to take advantage of him at every opportunity. Spike deserves someone better than that.
Another matchup I can't stand is Starlight and Trixie. Except for the odd episode, all Trixie does is cause suffering and anguish to Starlight. And she doesn't legitimately feel sorry about it.
10553591
Oof, yeah Discord does have a tendency to do that sometimes, but he would never harm Fluttershy, I do like their friendship though. I prefer Spike and Rarity as friends but yeah she does seem to be aware of Spike´s crush on her but I know she does value her friendship with Spike, so I´ll give her that. Spike deserves someone like Starlight or Fluttershy in my opinion I ship him with those two the most because Starlight and Fluttershy are nice to him unconditionally plus both ships seem healthy. I respect your opinon if you disagree.
10553591
I like Starlight and Trixie’s friendship since at times they do have good moments, but as a relationship I think Trixie would just constantly mistreat Starlight and take advantage of her, while Starlight would just take it or eventually snap but of course Trixie does seem like she cares about Starlight. I respect your opinion if any of you disagree.
10553521
Nope, it’s not Chrysalis.
I know the comment is a couple months old but better late than never
9283285
Well if you were to date someone who mentored or guided you, I would make sure both the age gap is small, knowing you it’s probably just that.
10722531
Yeah, I just haven’t gotten around to it is all.
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Hello! Will be new chapter?
11327162
Eventually.
Welp, hopefully this gets updated someday