A trans dude and masters student just reading.
"It was all so fast. Her mom, dad and sister had all met Death's bittersweet embrace and she was left all alone to deal with the aftermath."
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just to real, there's just too much that time cannot erase.
...
Small changes that will not require rereading are being made to the story (such as the title change you can already see) and the renovated chapters should be up soon.
UPDATE!
On hiatus till at least 5/82013.
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Initial reviews: Tripe sandwich on rye.
After reading: One second thought, hold the Tripe, I think I'll just take the rye.
It's not bad. You have a decent understanding on "english" unlike Evanesence who seemingly learned everything about the english language by watching strange French Psychedelic porn. Plot moves a little too fast for my tastes, so a bit of pacing is in order. And you have a bad habit of switching tenses once in a while. It's barely noticeable, but one one occasion, you used "shaked" when the proper word would've been "shaken". Overall, it's not bad, but I see no relevance to My Immortal anywhere in the plot (and my immortal was a massive clusterfuck as it stands. Or rather sits, staring retartedly at a wall with a trail of drool forming at the corner of it's slack-jawed mouth).
What I'm trying to say is it just doesn't make any sense why you chose that piece of work (and an especially hated piece mind you) for inspiration.
There's potential here, but your main problem is pacing. Things are happening too fast and a good chunk of your word count in each chapter is taken up by the disclaimer. Also, if the story is meant to focus on Sweetie Belle's reaction to the tragedy, then that's where the focus should be. Take your time and the work will speak for itself. Don't be in a hurry to post. The readers will thank you for taking the time to make sure everything flows and that it's long enough to develop the characters and emotions of the piece.
967183 (Mr. Ignorable)
It isn't like To Fix You where I'm going to open each chapter with a line or two from the song. I have a plan on how I'm going to incorporate it into the story. What I got from the song is that someone who was very close to the singer died and she is struggling to move on. That itself is the plot of the story!
967323 (shallow15)
Sorry! It's not readers that are pushing me, it's me trying to get all my main ideas down before I forget that's pushing me. And if I only focused on Sweetie Belle and didn't do as much with the other characters, it wouldn't flow as nicely because it would be completely one sided.
Poor Sweetie Belle
I like how this is going! Keep up the good work!
967530 (EpicSmiley13)
Thanks, but could you please tell me what I'm doing right and wrong. I like open ended compliments as much as the next pegasister but I really appreciate it when I know the specific area I'm being complimented on and where the others need work, ok?
Well, I honestly don't see much that needs work, besides the pacing, which is a little too fast.
969980 (EpicSmiley13)
Thanks, I'll try to improve! I'm really just glad every chapter besides the prologue is >1000.
I love Evanesence's My Immortal. That's why I came here >.>
So, why am I adding a verse from each chapter's namesake Evanescence song? Because I damn want to, that's why! I don't need an explanation!