kits
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So this is first person pseudo-stream of consciousness. If you like this stylistically, please give me some feedback. I usually stick to 3rd person limited, past tense. Of the allotted 69 minutes, I used almost three hours. That was spread out over all day because I have babies to feed and dinners to cook.
I guess I failed the speed part. Lol.
Yes, TAW used the same image and pairing. It's the post image for the prompt and I'm the one who vectored it. So please, don't bug me about 'ripping TAW off'. Now that I've finished mine, I can go read that one. I hope my body's ready.
edit: My body wasn't ready
...wow. Just wow. Uh.
Hey kits, next time get a princess. Pretty please?
My favorite pairing (everydash)? Check.
Well written clop? Check.
Feels in character? Check.
1st person? I tend to be prefer third, but this really work, so let's just say check.
Kits? You rock. Really, you bucking rock.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a cloud...or two.
1072358
I usually do 3rd limited, past tense. I wanted to make this more personal.
1072282
Hrm. I need to think about how that works with my "best friends" theme.
I am at a lost for words?
1072366
I know, I've been tracking since Twilight's list. Just my way of staying your new style works too, and that you shouldn't be afraid of using it again ^^.
Also, I'd like to emphasize the rocking part.
Three hours for 5k words is still a decent feat, good sir, and might I add that I actually rather enjoyed the way that it was written. I know how difficult it can be to adjust to a new way of writing when it comes to point of view-based stuff, but I think you pulled it off well, Kits. If it's any consolation, I certainly liked it and admire the in-character writing. Better than I could've done in such short time, too. Just goes to show how much of a better writer you are
A solid 9/10 short story and probably one of the better ones I've read. Have a like and a favorite and keep up the good work.
I think the anatomically correct (horse) stuff might be causing this
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/121/473/Twilight%20and%20friends%20varying%20degrees%20of%20want.png
Otherwise I do like the new perspective!
Oh man, awesome <3
I'm ridiculously jealous of Dash right now.
Just for the record, while there are similarities between my and kits's story, the only reason mine came first is because I had more time earlier in the day. We've totally been crushing on Berry for days.
1072408
Berry is best pony. And that's not just the lack of sleep talking.
Haha. I just realized. We both wrote about getting fucked by BB in first person. That's basically like a self insert? I dunno. I think I'm gay for Berry.
So I read both this and TAW's story and I must saw I thought both were quite excellent. I really did like the way this was written, from a style perspective. It was nice to really get inside of Dash's head, did a good job of really bringing the reader into the moment. Also, best birthday present ever. And dat ending...
1072415
I'd totally go for Berry right now. Mmmm, Berry.
Well, if it fits the story you can do 1st person more often. It works pretty well here. In other settings it's harder to do though, but I assume you're aware of that.
You did really, really well on writing Dash's impressions.
Yeah, uh, so, best clopfic since Screaming Twilight Sparkle. @_@
Now this was some well-done pony porn.
pretty hot.
1072415
Self-insert? More like a Berry insert.
I'm pretty sure this is your best written clop. I can't find a single flaw and only one or 2 typos.
"am" should be "me".
As for the story itself, as erotica, an open faced representation of a unique 6 way polyamorous relationship when a new and amazing variation to their sex life is throw in, and the first hand experience of the first one to experience it, it's phenomenally done.
Also as an interpretation and exploration of the sexuality and femininity of the most tomboyish and dominant personality of the group as she revels in being "made a mare" for the first time, it's handled in a strikingly mature and reasonable way without the meek submissiveness or vulgar chauvinism that such themes in romance or erotica tend to be addressed.
Although I do find the setup and premise to be a bit oversexed to consider this proper erotic lit instead of simply well written clop.
Now, as "clop", I can't say that this is 100% to my tastes, nor can I say that it is one of the hotter clops I have enjoyed.
My main issues were that it is 1st person female hetero, which is enjoyable to read but the level of immersion well written 1st person affords actually worked against it here, since it's hard to relate to, and therefor hard to get off to.
Also, the his/her, he/she, confusion could have done with a "resolution" to "him" once past the penetration. If he's making Dash feel like a mare, Dash should feel like he's her stallion at that point. It was good near the beginning with the awkwardness and confusion, but became a bit distracting later on.
Also gotta cringe at the AJ/Twi cumshot. She'd be more than coughing if it was coming out her nose. That stuff burns.
Also it would have been lulzy if the pairings and genders were switched up slightly at the end and whichever filly had been "wrecked" (AJ would be funniest) had the implication that colt Fluttershy had been responsible.
Other than that, great work. It is even reasonable to consider said arrangement if all 6 happened to be pansexual.
Although, would be a bit concerned about birth control.
Can just imagine how much more fun their "combos" will be with this extra option. Wonder how long it will be before a pair of them go for a M/M variation?
1073612
Birth control
Between natural remedies, magic, Zecora, and whatever it is Pinkie Pie does, my headcanon is that they have it covered.
As for pan sexuality. I did the section about liking guys because that is, to a greater or lesser extent for each of them, how it works. Again, my headcanon. Friendsexual. it's the theme I'm trying to set for the whole Best Friends thing.
The nose thing was thrown it at 1:30 am or so. While I never have, my sister routinely shoots milk out of her nose when she laughs or coughs while drinking it. It never seemed to bother her much. I realize the fluids are different, but it's all I have to go on. The only fixed thing I really had for the end was a bit of flutterdash. Everything else was thrown in to help compete the scene. I did almost have Rarity next to Dash, but the positioning implied was awkward. So I moved her.
I did try to do her/him. I may have missed a few. It's hard writing him for Pinkie. This isn't even Berry Bubble, it's Pinkie and I had a hard time keeping the pronouns straight myself.
The start is as cloppy as it is because this was intended to be a speedfic. I wanted to set up the group dynamic ASAP. I didn't intend to run over, though I was fairly sure I would. It's a curse of speedfic that expand, since I still wanted to get it out in time, I didn't have the luxury of doing more than a cursoury edit and couldn't really change large amounts of text.
I realize 1st person hetero as a female is not immersive to 90% of the fandom, but I am continually striving to expand what and how I can write. I'm not even sure this is something I expect people to clop to. I was trying to write a story first. Yeah, the setup is implied and pretty weak-ish, but my main goal was and is making it sem like Dash.
I am rambling!
Thanks for your review! I love getting in depth opinions and things.
My head is full of Berry Bubble singing "Happy Birthday" like Marilyn Monroe.
Huge, unreserved thumbs up. There was one spot where you had a "me" instead of "my", but otherwise... daaaaamn.
1075304
Milk is very different. It's basically saline with extra fat and protein.
Semen is quite viscous and somewhat ammonia-y.
The only thing I have to go on is the recollection of a friend, of a girl runnning from a bedroom screaming, "It burns worse than pop!".
As for friendsexual, that's kind of the same thing as pansexual, partially. Having symbiosis between your physical and emotional attraction to someone.
And no prob, always glad to subject authors to my OCD.
You down with OCD?
Yeah you know me!
(That's how the song goes, right?)
1075848
>worse than pop
ouch
I still like that Rarity and Dash pic. Where Rarity points out a lady never spits.
OCD is fine. I've got a little bit myself. It usually manifests on super tiny details when drawing that aren't even visible once I downscale for posting.
As for the sexuality. I guess I'm stuck in my headcanon that sex doesn't really matter in Equestria. It's implicit in almost everything I write that no one really cares. This one has gossip about preferences, but not judgement (at least I hope it came off that way.) So I guess pan works.
1075876
I like the idea of universal omnisexuality in Equestria as well, but my logic engine refuses to allow me to accept it wholeheartedly, even when downscaled to universal bisexuality.
The closest I can properly embrace is 100% tolerance and acceptance of all sexualities, enabling a higher ratio for gay and bisexual individuals compared to humans due to negation of societal bigotry. The physically distinct races without interbreeding taboos seems to support this to a degree.
Anyway, I think I got sidetracked.
I noticed TAW's fic with the same prompt is called Rainbow's diary. I honetly wouldn't mind seeing a more in depth exploration of a fully polyamourous mane 6. Could be "Twilight's Observations" or something, with her notes and accounts from the others on the nature and unique dynamics of their relationship, along with all the experiments she comes up with. Would be hot, but also interesting and fun to read.
1076052
I actually had the idea to do something of a "diary" fic. Twilight sets up a transcription spell to record her thoughts and gets Dash and Pinkie to sex her up. Starts off very clinical and detached. As it goes on it gets less and less scientific and more and more incoherent until the last entry is just PinkieRainbowPinkieRainbowPinkieRainbowPinkieRainbowPinkieRainbowPinkieRainbowPinkieRainbow or so.
To be clear, I don;t mean universal pansexuality. I mean that liking guys or girls is viewed like liking red-heads or A-Cups. It's not commented on except as the subject of petty gossip because it's not important. So Yeah. What you said.
Well.... No need to clop now..
I made an account purely so I can watch you!
All this fic and not one reference to a Party Cannon...
Anyway, great work! Look forward to more from you!
Just a note, you ROCK the first person perspective, in case you were worried about that. I'd love to see more of it from you.
Yes, okay, this is a thing that I want.
that was fucking cool. I like it.
Oh wow, that was awesome. I'd love to read about the others' experiences that took place while Dash was unconscious. I'd especially love to know what happened to Rarity, and how Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy reacted when they were turned male. Seriously, there are so many awesome situations and activities that are just hinted at it's nuts.
1081855
Well. Best Friends is a continuity (not posted in order) detailing how these six ponies become a tight knit group who have sex with eachother a lot. While I doubt I will 'fill in the blanks' here, I will almost certainly write pretty much every pair.
I love Dash and Pinkie the most, so they tend to feature a lot.
SO MUCH LIKE
In a story that is basically straightforward clop, I don't really mind what POV it's in. However in a story that actually deals with character's feelings, and issues between one another. Having third person(mainly third person omnipotent), I am just like screaming at characters wondering why they can't see the solution the their conflict. Whereas in first person, I see, for the most part, one side of a conflict, and it makes me think that the characters aren't blind to what is obvious.
I think I did a bad job of explaining that, hopefully you got what I meant.
1082842
>third person omnipotent
third person omniscient
Yeah. I only ever use 3rd-omni if I want to keep people out of a character's head. I usually use 3rd limited, which, the way I use it, is VERY close to 1st, but doesn't hedge me into fixing the PoV on one character. 3rd limited can shift; first is awkward when that happens.
1084184
Lol, how did I manage to derp that?
Hot.
1076052
I don't really have a problem it like that, or any other way really. They are a different species than us so when their societal rules on sexuality mirror ours it's usually for thematic purpose or to make a statement, but realistically they would probably be quite different. Just look at other animal species here on Earth and you'll see that their are a wide variety of sexually norms. Bonobos (the second closest species to humans) will have sex with anyone else that isn't a mother or sister to them, not that hard to view ponies in a similar way. Plus it's the setup for a speedclop so I'm willing to extend my extension of disbelief if it gets results.
1075304
I liked the new style here. It obviously wouldn't work on every story, but for clopfics like this it works really well. I actually like that it's from the female perspective, I don't want to know a guys every thought while he's having sex (I can do that myself), I want to hear how the girl feels.
My only real complaint is how you cut to the end right when Twi joined in on the action. That, coupled with the scene at the end makes me really want to hear this story from Twilight's perspective, even if the nose thing was a bit
.
1104255
Yes there are may variations in the animal kingdom, but I don't only view the ponies from a theoretical standpoint, I view them from a meta stance too.
Ponies are based on the archetypes of humans and horses and a blend thereof.
Any and all logic deviations from those archetypes are based on cartoon logic.
As for same sex interaction, both Horses and Humans have this. The only difference is Horses have no bigotry due to no advanced social structure and also, they are bi, never gay, due to strong biological imperatives driven by pheromones and estrus.
Cartoon logic allows these 2 archetypes to blend in idealized ways, keeping good traits and losing bad ones. So we come away with both bi and gay ponies with no estrus but no bigotry.
1104255
1104524
I honestly intend to use estrus/heat, but more as an annoyance and/or bonus sex drive thing. Not a mind stealing, will sapping nightmare. I also think that between chemistry, magic, technology (RD does wear sunglasses), and just staying inside the ponies can prevent it if desired. Or trigger it. I mean, there's not much else to do when there's six feet of snow on the ground and the airs so cold it'll freeze your feathers stiff.
But yes. In a society w/o as many biological pressures and a widely accepted philosophy/ideology of harmony and friendship, I can't imagine being bi/gay/whatever is an issue. It just doesn't fit with the sugarbowl nature of the world.
That was some good writing for a supposed "speedrun" of a clopfic.
Best first person I have ever seen. I didn't notice it. That's a good thing.
Wow. This is really amazing. I don't know how much rthe first-person helped, but this was hot as fuck! Consider this experiment in storytelling a rousing success!
Fffff- how did miss out on this for a month? So good... lemme just... i'll...
Wha? Sorry, where was i? Oh yeah, this was amazing. It also gave me an epiphany. I don't know why, but i've seen rule 63 Dash and Pinkie so much. Why? The rest of the mane 6 work just as well. Some better than others i think, but still. Rule 63 Fluttershy is super interesting in terms of what you could do, and AJ seems like an obvious choice. I must work to remedy this...
Oh, and liked/faved/subbed.
1251851
Because PinkieDash is otp?
BerryDash is one of my favorite pairs ATM. TAW's too. Maybe that's why? TAW did BBxRD so now everyone is doing it? Dunno.
I especially like first person limited for Dashie. What's going on inside her head is an important part of the story, and she's a fun narrator.
Really good 1st person Pinkie would be awesome too, but is much harder to pull off.
A Rashomon style fic where we see the 1st limited POVs of two very different characters would be a really neat way to do the "one or both characters are super oblivious" ship. Hmm..
And now this has me thinking, are there any ponyfics out there in 1st person omniscient? It would actually work pretty well for a high-powered alicorn (or possibly oops-Twi-is-psychic-now / Pinkie-really-can-see-into-your-brain) fic.
Shaddup, narrative modes are fun.
Keep up the great work!
Damn, you never cease to amaze me with what you write. Keep up the great writing! I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
I think there is a slight element of Comedy here. Those little things Rainbow Dash say and do are hilarious!
Wait, is Pinkie Pie a stallion in this story?
Or did she just bring one along?
I don't get it.
4576361 I'm not really getting it either but I think twilight put a spell on both Pinkie Pie and Applejack to be turned to a stallion... One thing was what was Rarity doing????
4576862 Probably she was... er... idk.