A pony askes Discord for help which Discord says yes in exchange for some help. As he fufills his task: things become more sinister.
This is my first story I have ever written, outside of school, I based it off something but I don't know how many people will know what it is. I would like people to criticize it so I can improve my writing skills and know whether to continue it.
A lot of different refrences and designs of other media works.
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You want help writing? I'm not an expert, far from it, but I'll give it a try okay then here we go:
"The times of old were drawing to a close. The ponies, led by Princess Celestia and her sister Luna, have founded the nation of Equastria. Indeed, a new era dawned but outside the peaceful land, was the domain of a demon. Banished by the princess of the day and the lady of night, he sought his own kingdom to shape as he saw fit."
Okay first off you don't need the indeed, it's unnecessary and it doesn't sound right
Second I don't think domain is the word you were looking for.
Thirdly (This is kinda pedantic) watch your punctuation, spelling and spacing, it'll stop your work looking sloppy
Try this instead:
It was the dawn of a new era. The ponies, led by the Alicorns Celestia and Luna founded the nation of Equestria. Out of gratitude for banishing the demon that plagued the land, the sisters were paraded as heroes, Celestia being crowned as the Princess of the Dawn, her younger sister Luna crowned Princess of the Night. Under the rule of the Alicorns, Equestria prospered, becoming a fertile and harmonious land. Far beyond the peaceful realm the two sisters had formed however, there was one who was not rejoicing. The evil spirit, his pride shattered, wandered through the wastelands searching for a new home, fueled only by the desire to rebuild what he had lost.
See? You get more words in there, it also flows a little better, I've found it a bit difficult to read what you've done so far, it feels really clunky. Make sure you always read what you write, if it doesn't flow properly have a go at it again, try rewording it, using different adjectives, verbs etc. Did you draft this or did you just write it off the top of your head, because it certainly seems like the latter.
Oh yeah and I caught what I thought were references to the Shadow of the Colossus game and Discord's temple for some reason reminds me of Mt. Olympus
And "Control come from Chaos"? That was a not-so-subtle reference to Shadow the Hedgehog wasn't it?
I went off the top of my head on typing and then tried to revise based off what I put down. I also am really bad at grammer which is why I use alot of commas. I will be more careful next time for the fourth chapter.
I mostly based this off Shadow of Colossus and I did in fact threw in that Sonic refrence. In my new chapter, I based the first titan off Molgera from Wind Waker. I probably need to inject originality into this story rather then use video games as guides. The Shadow of Colossus theme I thought would be good but it was a while before I figured out how i want this to end.
Anything thanks for the constructive criticism.
Anyway is what i meant