Fireflower
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wow, that was very descriptive, I could so easily tell where the characters were and what they were doing, like with sweetie... standing in the main entrance? surprised by her sister coming out of the kitchen? thinking she was upstairs?
That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell. You actually NEED to describe what's going on! This was the main plot-point of the summary; the reason everything else in the story happens, and, frankly, if it wasn't in the SUMMARY I wouldn't have know what was going on! and that's REALLY REALLY sad for a story to mess up on!!!
8394671
To be fair, she was approaching the bathroom looking for Rarity but found Spike; of course, I could have mentioned that as well.
Besides, I was on a deadline and I have been itching to put something out this year; nevertheless, I appreciate the feedback.
beirirangu's comment does touch on a major issue of this story to me, which is a major focus on the wrong details. We have entire, lengthy paragraphs describing the weather or a single room -- almost none of which is immediately relevant to the story, and certainly to the point of the reader needing to know every thing from top to bottom -- but lack information such as Sweetie Belle looking through Carousal Boutique, what she sees, or having Spike move into position to penetrate said character's posterior.
In any story, the focus should be the subject matter. The characters and the main concept of the story. As this is mostly seen as a "clopfic" the sex should be the main focus. To that end, this story should not put more focus on the setting than the sex. There could be descriptions of how a body curves, how warm certain parts are, or soft the hair or fur are, tightness, wetness, pain, pleasure, emotions, and so on.
As a separate suggestion, you should try to keep language simple and concise. Avoid obscure and verbose language, especially if it breaks the flow of the story or is inaccurate. An example of the first (breaking the flow) is "fundaments." According to my search, it is accurate (although the definition I found said it was meant to be used in "humor" rather than a serious meaning), but is so strange and out of place, it breaks the focus of the reader (or at least it did for me). An example of the second (inaccurate) is the repeated use of "prepuce." The definition I found has it as the "technical term for foreskin," which would kind of mean that it is foreskin that is somehow standing erect or swelling, and not the rest of his penis. If these are words you are commonly familiar with, I congratulate you but suggest you consider going more for concise and simple in the future. If these were words you found by using a thesaurus, best avoid that in the future.
Finally, in your second chapter, you overdo it with the term "white unicorn." In the two-thousand plus words, it it used twenty-four times, whereas Rarity's name is used approximately twenty-two (the word searcher showed thirty-six uses, with one being the description, on the tag, and twelve being from the "similar" story list), which means you use the descriptor pretty much as often as the character's actual name. Once or twice -- especially to help describe the character -- is understandable, but this is excessive to the point of irritating.
8395255
I was just trying to capture the details of what had taken place in the comic; after all, it's merely a novelization, nothing more.
Of course, I was trying to get this finished a long time ago and on many deadlines which had been pushed back in the process.
The whole purpose of using some of the vocabulary is to have myself avoid coming off as a lowbrow thug with an utter lack of proper grammar.
Aside from that, I apologize if this story had been causing you so much distress; I was trying to make people happy.
Friend, do not be offended seriously do not be offended but this story is a plagiarism of a comic xxx page e-hentai galleries.
I know because I have that comic and it's exactly the same as the fic.
Even the part of twilight and trixi.
8395336
I wouldn't call it plagiarism, especially when you give credit when and where it's due; besides, this story has an extra chapter that I had expanded upon because it felt like something needed to be said.
I must admit that the continuation was excellent in the comic only showed a kiss baby clothes and pregnant rarity, I love comics in which there is sex with pregnant woman. I think I have a fetish for that.
By the way, if it is not too much to ask you could add in futures fic more dirty language, as in Chains of Love.
I would also like to suggest if you can make a spike story with queen chrysallis.
Out of that good continuation and I apologize if my first comment offended. I actually liked the story.
By the way misspellings, or bumps in history.
Do not worry, that improves with time and practice.
I apologize for my bad english
8395342
sorry for that, I forgot to mention that I liked the story, it is the good of the fic stimulates the imagination.
8395369
Thanx...
8395374
I must admit that the continuation was excellent in the comic only showed a kiss baby clothes and pregnant rarity, I love comics in which there is sex with pregnant woman. I think I have a fetish for that.
By the way, if it is not too much to ask you could add in futures fic more dirty language, as in Chains of Love.
I would also like to suggest if you can make a spike story with queen chrysallis.
Out of that good continuation and I apologize if my first comment offended. I actually liked the story.
By the way misspellings, or bumps in history.
Do not worry, that improves with time and practice.
I apologize for my bad english
8395363
Let's just say that the continuation gave me an window of opportunity to improvise; besides, they're all grown up now, am I right...?
I'll consider it though; of course, I'm only restricting it to character dialogue, nothing more, nothing less.
It's possible for me to do that particular fic but I highly doubt it.
Of course, your previous comment didn't offend me at all; I just wanted to clarify the purpose of its existence.
At least you had enjoyed it though...
8395398
Thank you for concidering it
8395412
You're welcome...
8395283
First, no one is going to think of you as a "lowbrow thug" for using language that is clear and easily understandable. It would also be a lot more entertaining and effective because it won't make the reader pause from the story in order to look up the meaning of a word they are unfamiliar with. Especially when a simple and commonly understood word would work just as well.
Second, there is a big difference between a comic and a written story. A comic is primarily a visual medium where the creator has to keep space in mind to account for panels, images, and dialogue. In written story, you the author don't need to worry about trying to fit the words into a panel while keeping space for the pictures, because there are no pictures. For instance, the comic shows Sweetie Belle walking around the boutique, as well as her walking in on Spike in the shower, even if it does not show that particular part of his anatomy. We don't see any of that here. So we need it written to fill in the gaps: Sweetie calling out as she walks around; hearing the sound of the shower running and thinking it's Rarity; when she opens the door, seeing Spike's muscular body and maybe even a flash of pink sticking out between his legs; the shock and embarrassment she feels, and the blush that forms because of it. These are all things shown in that single page and could be expanded to numerous paragraphs, which in turn gives us a better sense of story and character, and get readers more invested into the story.
If you read most novelizations, you will notice that this is something many of them do. They don't simply describe what would be seen in the comic, graphic novel, or movie, and add the lines of dialogue. They flesh it out, expand on it, add to it. They describe the emotions of the character, giving us a better idea of things that are shown so we better know, and including things that can't be. Take Sweetie's anal penetration as an example. Her face in the comic gives an indication it's uncomfortable, but that's not really touched on in the story. Her words do show reluctance, but she doesn't try to stop it. It's an opportunity to explore further. Yes, she's nervous, but already aroused and kind of curious. Yes, it hurts as she finds her previously unexplored backside penetrated for the first time (or it has been played with, but with nothing so big as Spike's penis), but there is also some pleasure to it that makes her want to keep going. There are also spaces between the panels that could be filled in with extra little bits, such as how long Sweetie stood at the bathroom door, or what Spike was thinking as he moved into position behind Sweetie Belle.
A novelization is normally a conversion of a primarily visual media such as a comic or movie into a one of written text, and that has to be taken into account as it means the writer has to add to it in order to make up for the lack of visual information. Simply describing the panel is not an effective way to do so.
8395533
Maybe you're right; besides, I wanted to sound a lot like Shakespeare in this situation.
In any case, I will take great pains to learn from this mistake the next time I write a story like that.
Now it would seem that doing so would help me get closer on into getting renowned.
I appreciate your feedback anyway and wish you the best of luck.
Is he talking about Rarity or Coloratura?
8410217
The former...
8395533
Saved me a lot of time here.
Even understanding all your big words, its annoying to read. No one talks like this. Its not entertaining, its not easy to follow, and it looks like you took your paragraph put it in a thesaurus and picked all the biggest words.
I couldn't even maintain interest, let alone arousal. If I had a fetish for rooms, maybe, but I'd still have to get past the word usage and choice... You spend massive paragraphs giving every little detail about the most inconsequential things. Details are great, weather and rooms can set ambiances and they shouldn't be out right ignored, but give the ambiance and the main focus. Example:
"The moonlight cascaded through the curtains creating a light purple spotlight that forced one's eye to the already regal bed and the beautiful naked white mare lying across it's indigo sheets that matched her hair. Her head upon her soft hand held up by one slender arm as the other rest across her curves, fingers laid upon her voluptuous hips. Eyes like diamonds full of need, longing, and raw sexual desire that stirred a fire within his chiseled chest as they screamed come hither. His scaled hands move on their own stipping him of his shirt and revealing the green underbelly that contrasted against the deep purple that covered the rest of his body. In moments his pants and boxers joined the discarded cloth on the floor, leaving him bare for the unicorn to enjoy, and enjoy she did as her tongue slid across her rose red lips. Like a beast he sprang upon his willing victim the white and purple intermixing as their arms wrapped around the other, their lips met passionately, and her tail found its way behind him divided by the green spike that ran from the tip of his tail to the top of his head. The two lovers rolled around squeezing and groping each other as they messed up the perfectly made bed, and neither gave a damn, far to enthralled in each other for such trivial things. Their intense lust was only matched by the undying love they felt for one another."
Yeah I went a little overboard there... but look at it. Its simple to understand and follow. The characters, their actions, the mood, the tone, and as much as any of us really care about the setting is all described and created in a single paragraph that also is pretty damn hot, if I do say so myself, and I do. There are times where explicit and insane levels of detail are perfect, create the most beautiful forest ever so that the tragedy of it being burned or torn down is all the more powerful, but that's the point of doing something like that. The point of all of this is the sex, that's where we want details, but not so much we don't have room to imagine. We want the feelings of the characters, not just the actions. Orgasms are called climaxes for a reason, and they should be the climax of the scene. They don't have to be long but they should have some real umph and feeling to them, something that makes your toes curl and your tongue lull out in imagination.
And you get all of this because I wanted to love this. I love the comic, and yeah it might as well be line for line, but theres some things writing can do comics can't and vise-versa. Hell the potential for some continuation alone from the comic was already great, and unfortunately this is really disappointing.
Now you're welcome to ignore good advice, you wouldn't be the first, but with any luck you'll actually take this to heart and improve, because that's my goal here. Good luck.
P.S. Shakespeare wrote for his time, when Old English was just English and everyone understood what was being said because its how they spoke.
8417939
I can see that as well.
While that I do use a thesaurus now and then, I only did it to build up in terms of space and word count; I have never intended for my writing to be in any way whatsoever so annoying in your eyes.
Of course, I will admit that being the shortest chapter of the two, I'd found myself pressed for time and got desperate: seeing the extra panels at the end reeked of potential that should have been utilized to the fullest extent imaginable; considering the characters that were featured in the previous one, I thought that by focusing on Spike and Rarity alone would be more easier by comparison.
For what it was worth, while that I admire your articulate passage on anyone's typical Sparity clopfic, the only nitpick I have was that you forgot the letter "r" in stripping; of course, such a mistake can be easily made, especially when one works on word processing software that is program to capture the most blatant of spelling errors despite our clear intentions with nouns in question.
Nevertheless, the whole purpose of me caring about the scenery is to establish the location but not so I can encourage people to set out to the nearest hardware/furniture store like some corporate shill; even I couldn't get a job there.
I apologize that you didn't like this clopfic; after all, this is obviously not my first nor will it be my last.
You can rest assured that I will use your review as an incentive to learn from my own failures like before; do not take this as a snide remark to it but rather as part of a meaningful conversation by and large.
P.S. - Shakespeare was my inspiration too, you know...