Stardust was a average filly, love doing magic tricks, playing with her sister, but all joy was taken from her when her birthday resulted in her getting something that makes her different that other ponies can't see, a curse Cutie Mark known as a Faux Mark
Now, her life as a mare makes her feel different. Having to run a party store, accept her false talent, and worse, inflate into a balloon pony on & off. To her life wouldn't be the same till she met her new best friends. However, the endless painful memories of her ruined Fillyhood keep coming back, and the image of the Pony is permanently in her head. Can her new friends help her not be bothered by the Faux Mark, or will the on and off body inflating make her go insane?
Note: Contains Inflation (Balloon Pony style), if this doesn't interest you, please turn back.
Editing is done by Autum Breeze.
Okay. Here are my thoughts. And be warned, I speak only critically and do not mean to upset in any way, but I also won't be pulling any punches either.
It certainly holds promise. However, if you have an editor already... I've gotta say they didn't do a good job.
There is honestly far too much tell and not enough show regarding a large chunk of the chapter.
Descriptions sound a little flat at times and the way it's explained how Stardust feels makes it feel like it's implied the reader should already know what's going on with her.
Also, Starlight's happily eating when talking about something as if she's concerned?
There's both too much and too little description during the parts where Twilight and Starlight are in it and Stardust's change of mind feels too quick and hollow.
And there are a LOT of grammar problems.
This kinda thing happens a distracting amount.
Also "scaredly" isn't a real word as far as I know and just took me out of the story. Fearfully or worriedly would've sounded better at those points.
If you dont have an editor, I'd be happy to help when I can.
This story does have potential, so I'd be glad to give it that spit and polish to make it shine to it's fullest.
It looks good and amazing