It's just a short little story. Why not read it?
Thank you to my super, awesome editor Frenchie!
It's Celestia's birthday! The day she became princess. The day that ruined the rest of Luna's birthday. The reason Luna didn't attended the Grand Galloping Gala.
Celestia's birthday has come again. When she becomes PRINCESS Celestia, Luna is super jealous.
Please don't add hate comments.
The picture is from http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/11/pmv-what-if-eric-whitacre-paradise-lost.html.
Chapters (1)
Nice start though it got a little convoluted. This might have been a better story if it panned out a bit further showing a bit more complexity or showed any sort of growth. The parental favoritism and temper tantrums was a little off as well. Add a little more depth to it some how and it should turn out alright.
no hate comments? thats just silly to say on the internet. almost as retarded as putting a watermark of your own name and claiming rights over footage and music not made by you.
now stop this silliness and let your work speak for itself. If you arent told u wont learn.
poor luna!
This is a cute story, but you told it, rather than showing it. You want your readers to imagine it for themselves, and so you won't have to explain anything to them. Instead of saying "She was so happy!" You could say "She jumped for joy." Or something to that effect.
This isn't an essay. You don't need to say "And that's why Luna's so antisocial." We can figure this out ourselves.
I agree with TDR, as Luna not getting any support at all is quite... Mean, really. Celestia was being a horrible pony as well, not like how she is in the show towards Luna. She should at least be a bit caring. And their mother and father seem so oblivious!
You might want to edit it, or get an editor, as every new sentence that someone says should be on a new line with spacing between each line, and other things as well.
I also agree with CeresBane. This is the internet. Not everyone will be nice to you. Just be grateful for all the people who are nice to you.
I hope this helps, though
900246 On the contrary, this is fimfiction.net.
This is where writers express themselves through stories, unbound by the rules of reality. This is fiction, it is not meant to follow the rules, and it is a fan story, not commanded by the limits and realism of its inspiration. Batgirl is getting literature out of the system, writing what s/he thinks is amusing. But, of course, Batgirl did tell the story instead of show. And it is the internet.
P.S. I am the editor for this story, and I found mistakes and eliminated them before this was released. And this form of writing is actually acceptable, believe it or not.
900270 But the story still has to have some aspect of reality. Would you think that Luna was pretty much abandoned as a child? Do you think her parents, (the Creators of Equestria? I dunno.) would really let their child, a princess, be ignored from the start? Personally, I wouldn't really think that it would happen.
There weren't many mistakes, but next time for your editing I offer some advice:
- Spacing between lines, as I said earlier. Nobody really likes looking at a block of text. It just makes it a bit easier to read.
- Ellipses. They are only three full stops. Not four, or five, or six. Three.
- Thoughts are usually put in italics, "Like this." (Include quotation marks)
Also, for the author, you don't need multiple exclamation marks to make your point.
Again, I hope this helps!
900308 Like I said, every 'mistake' you pointed out is actually acceptable. However, like you said, it is also advice. And that advice improves the story. Thoughts don't have to be in italics, but it separates it from the rest of the lines, which is a good thing, so it is recommended to use italics. And it doesn't necessarily have to be ellipses, though it'd be less confusing for others if it stayed as ellipses. And, finally, you don't have to have spacing between lines, though it helps separate paragraphs.
In other words, what you saw as 'mistakes' were in fact better means of writing a story. The 'mistakes' are in fact acceptable, but not recommended in writing. So, you just repeated what went through my head when I read the chapter, before I realised this is how the author represents his/her art, and left the matters alone.
900354 Okay. I get it now. But if it improves the story, why not do it? Yes, it is how the author writes, but they can make it better, so why not help them?
900371 And this is the part where you reach me. I should've probably said something about it, instead of just doing the simple part of my job and leaving it like that.
I actually have a valid excuse for this laziness. It was four in the morning after a late night.
Anyways, thanks for telling me this. I have to pull myself up and declare these things.
900405 Ah. Four in the morning is never a good time to edit something.
Hey, no problem. I just try and help people out
900049 If you people WANT to put hate comments you can. I just said please don't. I like constructive criticism that's fine. BY hate comments I mean stuff like: This is the worst story I've ever read! None of the comments on this story compliment the story, but they don't say how terrible this story is, and that's just fine with me because they're trying to help me. Including you!
900246 I guess I put that at the end to help show there was a point for telling you all this. Celestia was being a horrible pony, but that was thousands of years ago when they were little fillies. It never showed them that way in the show. Maybe things were different between the two of them back then. The show never gave any sign to the princesses even having parents. So I could make them however I wanted. (Note: the original character sign under where you click to read.) Luna is also always ignored. She had one episode.
900405 You were up at four in the morning editing this?
You don't have to edit them as soon as you get them. Oh, and by the way, it's a she.
Thanks for the criticism everypony!
And thanks for no hate comments!
It was pretty good but I thought the ending was a bit rushed. I can imagine this being the reason why Luna became Nightmare Moon. No wonder why she got jealous. I'd be pretty pissed off.
(Hmm...)
900631 Yes, but I will give you some advice. Make the readers imagine, make them try and actually feel the pain she's going through. This will hopefully help you to become a better writer. With Celestia being horrible, remember when Luna came back? They both had missed each other so much, so it's kind of assumed that they love each other quite a bit. But, parents have to actually care for their children, not just abandon them, and be oblivious to their sadness. Parents aren't just about giving their children the basic needs. They are (usually) there for their child, trying to make them feel better. But do parents ignore their child? Especially a King and a Queen.
It was still a nice story, though.
Short and well, not so sweet, but good!
As I randomly browse through FimFiction, I come across this story and what I expect was a story to give me at least a light chuckle but the story had nothing that (to me) remotely could pass as funny, so why is the comedy tag here? (unless the joke just flew right over me)
It is solidly written and the idea is good, but the execution...doesn't get my approval. In addition to the advice the others have given I would like to point out, that the story as a whole is over the top.
A story needs to have some sort of balance OR it has to elaborate on the sad part a bit more, you know, describe Luna's feelings. You don't do either.
What is left is a mere description of a little filly whose parents are not even practicing favoritism, but are downright cruel and evil. And that is the part where I'm losing interest. If Celestia would, like, comfort Luna because she doesn't approve of their parent's behaviour or even stand up to her, that would give the story a certain balance and make it interesting because it'd have a somewhat complex conflict to build on. Only giving examples here.
Also, since the story is lacking details on how Luna thinks about it...well, I don't really care about her, since she isn't a developed character.
A for effort, I guess and there's quite alot of potential in the premise. If you decide to rewrite the story at some point I will definately check it out.
i my self loved it
pretty good short story, if I do say so myself. It feels a little rushed, though. Keep up the good work!