- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 39 minutes ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
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Israel Yabuki · 11k words · 242 20 · 15k views
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Here's a piece of critism that I think will help you:
Don't add images to your story. It kills immersion quickly, and a lot of people find it to be a big turn-off, especially with images as large as that.
8204525 right, gotcha. I guess I should've just written that it was a city made of clouds
Psh, I say this story was nice. I don't care if there was a picture in it. At least it showed where Rainbow was taking the dude.
8204548 oh, thanks.
8204548
I'd rather you didn't take what I said out of context. I simply pointed out something that I felt would benefit his writing. I didn't make any remark on the story's quality or the author's prose, just that I felt inserting a picture was immersion-breaking and rather lazy.
8204555 Well, I appreciate your honesty. I'll make sure to keep that in mind once I've worked on the Pinkie Pie story next.
There were quite a few typos and repetitive word usage, but uhh...overrall, it wasn't bad. The image I have to agree was clunky and ruined immersion for me. In some way, it would make sense to just show pictures of a land or something (I've seen it work in paper novels, it can be cool), but here I don't know. I have yet to see images used to enhance a fic on here to date.
like i said, good effort. Rainbow & Scootaloo ftw!
Don't listen to them the images help identify who or what we're about to read about .
Feels a bit more rushed in the pacing. Could have done a time jump rather than saying one night and then BAM I love you
8204830 Yeah, I know, sorry. I was running out of ideas on how to make it sound interesting, but hopefully you'll like the next one I'm working on before I move onto the side characters of the show
Did you just assume my waifu?
media.giphy.com/media/vk7VesvyZEwuI/giphy.gif
Whoever made up the words ‘buck’ or ‘bucking’, I shall deliver them a backhand of disappointment.
Anyway, the story is okay, but it could’ve been better. I saw that there was a mixture of past and present tenses in the story.
If you’re adding a picture, I recommend using it only to set the mood at the beginning of the story. This is to let people know what to expect beforehand. The more quality it has, the better result.
The clop is okay. It had words that really didn’t need to be in it. Like this:
Of course we all care about our feelings and accomplishments. But in this kind of time, only in our thoughts does it matter. When you said that Bolt stopped, I thought Bolt was going to put her in a different position and start talking down to her, asking her how bad she really needed this, How bad she needed to be fucked up by a hairless monkey before going into untapped bliss.(my thought)
Point is, everything matters at the end of it, unless you’re skilled enough to subtly write it in the story. Other than that, nothing else much is wrong with it other than using ‘buck’(my thoughts
)
Lastly, the ending could’ve been... I’ll say more creative. After having some awesome sex with an awesome mare, why not finish it off with having some pancakes and (whatever ponies will eat) to start off the day and replenish the electrolytes that was lost during that nice underwater workout? It really got Bolt’s heart rate up!(Again, my thought on it)
Overall: As I said before, it’s okay but could be better.
Stories like this are the equivalent of a 'basic bitch'.
I can imagine you did Rainbow Factory Dash x Anon
You look 20% cooler RD
I wanna touch her rainboobs and make her feel so good. I love this. Thank you.
8659867
You're on the wrong website to post that, if you know what I mean....
8769449
Yeah. But it’s true.
Happy 130th like.
I wonder when this story will get rewritten?
9243701
Possibly after the Gilda story is finally finish
Nice to see you rewriting this one
9297524
Eeyup
It’s funny how actually named my oc’s daughter with Twilight, Moonlight as well
Another amazing job
I'm really glad that you're expanding this story. Also, you planning on doing waifu stories for Spitfire and Fleetfoot in the future?
9309174
Yeah, as soon as I get done with Zecora, Spitfire's next.
9314823
Uh....
Wicked job my man. Keep up the good work
Dragon Ball Z goku’s cloud thing
9327123
It's called the nimbus
Well I was kind of scared at first because it started pretty dark but man I love the reference to the original and I also love the inclusion of Rainbow‘s parents and nice Dragon Ball Z reference as well. all in all this was a success for me👍👍👍
I still missed the shower sex though
Also looking forward to how you and nine handle Zecora but if it’s anyone that can handle a challenge like that I know it to be the 2 of you so BORNY ON.👏
As always awesome work
Gotta hug the city, it needs emotional support
Intact*
9502222
fixed
9502294
Did you get the first one too?
9502666
yes
9502673
Ok! Glad to help!
Was I the only one thinking “please don’t freeze to death” during the death scene?
9330286
What shower?
10354712
In the original version there was a shower sex scene
10354892
Well I don't see it since he erased it and replaced it.
10354892
Too bad that we won't get to see the shower part since it's got deleted and replaced.
DBZ lol
NIMBUS! Come to me!
11211976
Don't you mean, MAGIC CLOUD! Darn that lazy bone.