I ignore (almost) everything that happened after season 6.
The mane 6, Spike and Starlight find an old abandoned gym, with two rubber balls. An intense game of dodgeball ensues.
(A little practice in writing action scenes.)
Disclaimer; all innuendos, that may be present in this story, are purely accidental and weren't intended to be innuendos.
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Oooh! What about bowling?!
8123199 I am not that familiar with bowling. I've played a lot of dodgeball, but not much bowling.
Maybe... at some point.
I loved this one! With how good Fluttershy is at Buckball, I'm not too surprised she won this.
8131578 Glad you enjoyed it.
8133189 Me too.
A review, as promised.
First of all, something minor. I really felt that the way the story starts makes little sense. Why are the mane 6 going to this gym? What's in it for them? How did they find about this gym and why did they decide to go to it? I can't believe they just went to this gym for no good reason and having nothing better to do, they decided to play a game. The other thing that's odd is that the way the location is described, it sounds like the gym is standing by itself without other buildings around it: "an old gym not far from Ponyville." The story says it used part of the school. What school? The only school shown in the show is the one in Ponyville, so it can't be that one. Given the nature of the story, it is something minor, but still, it sounds so off. It would have made much more sense to have the mane 6 help clean a gym in Ponyville, maybe one where Rainbow trains or where the CMC train, and then have the game there. The fact that this gym is out in the middle of nowhere doesn't add anything to the story.
In general, the descriptions of the movements are ok, but there are a few places where the text fails at this and you don't know what happened with the balls. For example, there's a part where both Pinkie and Applejack get the balls and throw them at each other. Applejack gets hit and walks away. Then the text says, "the ball is in the air," which one? The one Applejack threw or the one Pinkie Pie threw? Then the text mentions that the ball flew above Pinkie and hit the ground between her and Spike. If it was the ball that Applejack threw, it would have been aimed at Pinkie, not above her, and it would have hit the ground before Applejack had said something and walked off. On the other hand, it can't be the one Pinkie threw either, because that ball hit Applejack. So, which ball is it?
But perhaps the biggest problem is the use of pronouns where names should have been used. I found this problem throughout the story and it made it a bit hard to read. The worst offender is:
"In the meantime, Spike took three steps towards Rainbow and threw, right at the same time she did. But she didn’t see Rarity coming from the side, who caught it in the air. She gave Spike an evil smile, then launched the ball towards him."
Who didn't see Rarity coming from the side? I guess Rainbow, but the way it's phrased makes it a bit unclear. What did Rarity catch in the air? The ball, of course, but there is no mention of a ball in this paragraph, plus which one? Who gave Spike an evil smile? Rarity, I guess. I mean, you kinda understand it, I guess, but the pronoun usage really needs to be checked and maybe change some of the phrasing.
There are also some awkward phrases that need to be worked:
"joined as timidly as she could." I have a hard time using timidly with joined. Maybe change it to hesitatingly, or timidly walking to where the others were.
"Now that they got the rules down." Again, in this paragraph the pronoun they comes without clarifying first who it's referring to. The 7 ponies and Spike, obviously, but they should be mentioned first before being substituted by a pronoun. Also, the story is told in the past tense, so the use of the phrase "Now that they got the rules down" sounds totally off.
"She took an impressed look at Pinkie." I honestly couldn't figure out that this means.
"her hat, that was still suspended." It should be, which was still suspended.
Also, a couple of instances where the text should say "was able to" instead of "could."
Story-wise, the concept is somewhat interesting but not deep, which works well anyway because it's a short fanfic. Unfortunately, once it was Rainbow Dash and Glimmer against Fluttershy, I could predict the ending. Again, it's a short fic, so it's not really a problem. It's a fun fanfic for what it is. I do think it would have been better if it were just about a regular gym in Ponyville rather than some abandoned gym outside of Ponyville, although you do forget about that detail once the action starts.
My scores:
Grammar: 6
Not terrible, but the confusion due to pronouns really irked me because it was so common.
Plot: 8
It was an ok story, fun for what it is. A bit predictable but that's very minor.
Fun: 8
I had some fun with it, although about 3/4 into it I kinda lost interest. It picked up once it was Dash and Glimmer vs Fluttershy. Again, a good story for a short fanfic.
8192120
Wow, thanks. Yeah, I can see the problems you mention now.
My idea was that the gym was part of a different school, that got abandoned because... reasons. I don't know why I decided to keep that detail vague. The setup was somewhat intentionally lame, I just needed an excuse to drop everyone into an impromptu dodgeball game.
And I can totally see the problem with the pronouns. It was honestly a bit hard to write for eight characters at the same time, especially when there's so much movement. See? This is why I needed to practice this.
I thank you for pointing out a problem, I haven't noticed. I really do need to step up my pronoun game. Thanks for that.
Your review should come soon too.
I love this idea and how it makes Shy a badass even if that's not how she normally is