The sequel!

Instant fav

Yes! Sequel!

yay! Luna!

not bad. I'm not a big fan of ocXtwilight shipping but I'm enjoying this.

Could um... I have moar please?

>>931348931348

I'm glad you liked it!

>>931391931391

Just wait til the next chapter, Luna has dialog!

>>931731931731

Thank you, it really means a lot!

>>932078932078

Well...ok. Only because you used a  Fluttershy emoticon.

Any complaints about grammar or negative opinions about this story should be directed towards me. I take a lot of pride in editing this story, making sure that the genius that is RandomHero gets his story out in a manner that everyone will love.

RH's story is awesome. The end.

>>932385932385

Nah, it's fine berk. I'm a big boy, I can take it...sort of.

While I'll agree Kev has a point, I don't think it makes the story (or the previous one) worthless by any means.  Besides, it's a bit hard to discern things like that in a setting like Equestria, where canonically there are really very few out and out interequinal conflicts.  That said, Laughing gets rather a lot of 'pet the dog' and other such moments that are taken as a partial indicator of a Mary Sue or Gary Stu.

The hardest part about that is once you realize that's a problem, it becomes almost impossible to correct- including characters into the story you're telling who don't like the OC just to show that (at least) some people don't like them is equally much a sign of a Sue/Stu character.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that this is something you should take as a note for planning any future stories and especially any future OCs, and not as an indication that you should somehow 'fix' this story.  While some ponies will be bothered by it to the point it becomes a major flaw, as long as you keep out of a lot of the other Sue/Stu territories, you can pretty much prevent yourself going in that direction.

I forget the address, but it's pretty easy to find- just do a websearch for the 'Mary Sue Litmus Test', there are a few things about it on Fanfiction.net as well.  As long as you look out that you're not including more than a little of such stuff in any given character, you should be fine (especially pointy nitpickers notwithstanding).

That said, I rather like this series.  If Laughing Stock really is a Gary Stu, he's a notably more mild form of it than the offenders who really make it a bad thing.  He and Twilight warmed to each other rather quickly, but that's just unusual, not impossible.  Your characterizations overall are pretty good, though with a few moments in the previous 'fic seemed like you were trying maybe a little too hard to squeeze interactions with everypony in in a short space of time.  It -is- a touch far-fetched that he had a rather negative first interaction with four out of Twilight's five best friends (and his second with Applejack effectively 'made up' for that), so watch out for that sort of thing in the future.

Your grammar seems to be fine, and I seem to recall one or two moments so far where something was misspelled, I wish I could point them out to you but I've gone and forgotten.  They weren't big glaring problems though, and overall your writing is fairly good.  You seem to be a bit short on description- not in terms of adjectives, but ways of referring to things.  Might try mentioning more about how things/ponies/etc. seem or feel (in an emotional or aesthetic sense, not a five-senses sense).  Also, nearly every time Celestia speaks she's 'the princess', and you lean rather heavily on 'said'.  Try using some descriptors to refer to ponies ('Twilight' is also 'the bookish pony', 'the librarian', 'the great student', 'the element of Magic', 'the small pony' (as noted by Applejack, since most ponies are of a standard size in the animation), 'the lavender pony', 'the straight-maned pony', 'the younger pony' if she's in a conversation with someone older than her, and any number of other things, just to give examples from one character) instead of just their name or one position they hold over and over again.

Worth reading I'd say.

Write on!  

>>934391934391

I will agree with you one hundred percent that my first story moved very quickly at some points. I chalk that up to my first piece of fictional writing...ever. I am used to writing news stories.

I am doing my best to slow down with this story, thank you for being very helpful.

i like were this is going

ExtraCheese: "Hah. I bet this is gonna be another one of those lame romance stories by another idiot."

ExtraCheese: *Finished reading every word in the story*

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/796/447px-Manlytears3.jpg

IT'S...GLORIOUS...

If anypony (that isn't wildberk) can guess the comic that inspired many scenes in this chapter, I will do something for them...I'm not sure what yet.

Image: http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/69baee3a-6b52-4bfc-baae-3e4290b2c50c.gif

Just because

A CALVIN AND HOBBES REFERENCE IN A FIC why thats a good ...enough...idea.....MINE DIBS ITS MINE !!!!!!!!!

>>936039936039

Yay! You win a watch from me...it's not very exciting, I know.

lol i gotta start writing

Typo found. desperate to escape confines of the evil square

>>936116936116

Fixed.

again good sir you know how to write a story bravo bravo

This is to help you but I would re read this as there are a few mistakes, also its marefriend not girlfriend.

-Mr. Carnage

>>936538936538

That's what I thought. They use girlfriend in the show, so I wasn't sure.

Thank you for the help.

Shining Armors reaction to Monopoly Game:

Image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-J1M4hW_sA0s/TbxQo9FDpyI/AAAAAAAAAC0/i4eS-c-8b_Y/s1600/fuuuuuuuuu.jpg

FFFUUU: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufsf_-a_H9Q

>>937467937467

Shared with Luna for being stuck in jail a majority of the game.

Need moar!

I was very surprised and very happy when you put an Calvin and Hobbes reference in your story.

Not bad.  I'm pretty sure you've got the record thing twisted around though.  If I recall correctly, what Calvin's Dad said was that the inner point and the outer point move at the same speed (the speed you spin the record), but the outer point travels much farther- and yet they both complete a circle at the same time.

Also, you're still referring to everypony by their name every single time- it's not a big issue, but it is noticeable.

Some interesting ideas here, I like your choices for place renaming on 'Monopoly- Equestria Edition'.

Keep writing!  

>>939231939231

First of all, I'm SO glad you figured out where the record bit came from. And yes, I probably did get it wrong. I will take another look at it. Thanks for that.

I'm starting chapter three, trying to not use the names as much, your advice has not gone unnoticed, believe me.

Luna stole me joke from the last fic! Also: Shouldn't this prove to Shining that Laughing Stock can provide for Twilight?

>>945054945054

Just like in the real world, Monopoly bits can't really be spent.

>>949107949107 Still,  he beat him at a money making game. He has to have SOME skills. I mean of course Celestia would do good, she ruled a country for a thousand years!

>>949117949117

We are a loooong way from Shining Armor's approval.

And BTW, that whole game was based off my personal Monopoly experience. I either win or the board gets flipped.

>>949267949267 Speaking of game boards being flipped makes me think of the internet series 'Tabletop'.

LUNA is sooo adorable here hehehhehe MY FORTUNE HAS BEEN DOUBLED!

“You are certainly having your moment in the sun Icarus, but you will fall sooner or later.”

>Icarus

Dafuq?

>>974482974482

Greek mythology.  

Shining Armor... you suck

I can see how Laughing Stock is going to break down... and how Twilight is gonna slap her brother hard

This chapter tried a lot of different things but I think that it turned out really well! I look forward to the next chapter!

After rebuilding the block fortress, the ponies discussed who should go first. It was determined at random that the order would go Shining Armor, Laughing Stock, Cadance, Twilight, Luna and Twilight.

I think somethings wrong with this sentance

>>989146989146

Sorry bout that.

>>989165989165

it's all good its just I obsess over this kind of stuff

>>989206989206

Don't worry, it was much appreciated!

I sense there is going to be a fight between siblings... and it will end in tears

>>989146989146

After reading this document so many times you tend to develop blind spots in grammatical errors...

Ironic fatality is the best kind of fatality!

Another great chapter!

Things seem to be going well for Laughing but I sense shining armor has something nasty up his metaphorically there sleeve for him.Can't wait to see what happens next.

Ponies and monopoly all I have to say is PFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awkward questions, There is a simple solution, flip the board and run away

Freaking awesome mate can't wait for the next chapter

I like Celestia's story the best, it has everything you need in under 3 sentences!

A shiver ran through me as celestia finished her story

wow... drunk and hung over Celestia, it may be OOC but damn i have to say might be a front runner for my favorite kind of pony

Drunk Celestia=

Hangover Celestia=->->

Celestias scary story ftw

Don't steal from Publix.

Thanks, Management

Always a good time with this story.

New chapter! Loving it please keep up the good work!

Excellent, another one!

And then Luna, Laughing, and Twilight proceeded to shat bricks for the remainder of the night.

Hungover Celestia is best Celestia!

Sponsored by Roaming Winery. Because being a gypsy isn't bad enough already.

In all seriousness I loved this chapter the most...at the moment.  Slightly saddened I didn't get a mention for helping write the ghost stories...BUT we also got drunk/hung over Celestia, the greatest character of all time.

Also on the edit list. When they arrived at the candy aisle Shining Armor asked a question older than Equestria?

Either change it to: !. WHen they arrived...asked a question older than Equestria. or 2. Break it down into two sentences. They had arrived at the candy aisle. Upon seeing the abundance of sweets the Royal gaurd asked a question predating equestria.

The ghost story was freaky! And Drunklestia you fool! Almost spoiling everything! And the part with the bell saying: May the sound of light protect you from the sight of darkness, I read it like this for some reason: May the sound of light protect you from darkness' sight. No idea why but I read it like the latter before I reread the scary story.

Oh God hungover flutter shy would be hilarious, or Pinkie Pie

>>10302421030242

Gracias amigo

>>10264421026442

I'm happy you liked it, but I must say it disappoints me. Twilight's ghost story took us an hour to write. Celestia's took 2 minutes.

>>10264761026476

>>10264781026478

>>10266601026660

>>10264951026495

She almost didn't make the cut. I thought it was too out there, but once again, the Brony community has proved me wrong.

>>10371331037133

There are always other chapters...just saying.

>>10385001038500

glad i could be of help in proving you wrong, i have learned this in the short time i have come to know of MLP:FiM and its fans: expect the unexpected, and as long as it doesnt cross the lines of multiple cultures i dont think any form of OOC is unwelcomed

I suck at bread.

Image: http://codersblock.com/blog/images/fail-bread.gif

Slowly but surely... this is what will happen:

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/136/232/incoming%20shitstorm.jpg

>>10574541057454

You have no idea...

another great chapter, love the title yes indeed Celestia did strike back

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i was laughing so hard at the beginning. seems Luna doesn't know what the hay Sex is. ah, ignorance. it leads to some of the funniest moments anywhere.

So full of win! once again, you fail to disappoint. I DEMAND MOAR that is... if you don't mind...

>>10574691057469

Actually I do... this is just like a "Meet the Parents/Fockers" scenario... main OC is like Ben Stiller trying to marry Twilight but first have to get permission from her older brother (which I think is like total BS) and chaos goes through and in the end the OC breaks it off with Twily cause he will never be good enough... which will ignite a slapping and a scolding on Shining's flank and he realizes just how good the OC is etc... reconcile and we looking at the wedding...

How's my aim?

>>10576971057697

Close but no cigar.

>>10577311057731

Thank Celestia I'm wrong (hate Ben Stiller films)

I can't bread to this!

Man Twilight got smashed.

THE WIN HAS BEEN DOUBLED!

lol everyone got hammered.

>>10576331057633

Yes sir.

>>10577461057746

In most cases, but Tropic Thunder is awesome!

Beautiful! So, please more! This is just getting good! (or more so than usual)

(First part of the story were you make laughing look like an idiot with the erection thing) , come on bro

Mannnn I really like this fic... Good job!

>>10738161073816

Thank you so much!

>>10739301073930

No problem! I try to look at all my followers stories, and I must say your fic is good, I really like Laughing Stock alot!

Fuck

YAY! New chapter! Loved the scooby doo reference to. Also it appears I'm first on commenting.

WHASSAT

PLOT TWIST UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER HOLY SHIT, I NEED TO GO LIE DOWN!

Fuck

damn, second.

OH SNAP.

Dun dun dunn

>>10823381082338>>10823581082358

This was the reaction I was going for...It worked!

And I thought the plot twist was that the monster was going to attack LS...well something did attack him in a different way...

and then he turns to see shinning armor standing on the cave's entrance

>>10823381082338

Double Fuck.

... Luna's going to get sent to the moon again... by the entire royal family! I did not see that twist coming at all! Now all we need is for... NO! I am not going to jinx that!

Uh-oh...

Image: http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg

Now what could possibly go wrong?

>>10828941082894

Twilight stabs Luna with a trident.

>>10829231082923 Then Twilight better go find a safe house or a relative to stay with for a while and lay low...

To be honest i saw it coming a mile away, but still good job.

Oh Sweet Jesus....

>>10829231082923

Immortal goddess versus mortal Unicorn...hmm seems legit

yeah hate to say it but Laughing Stock is screwed at this point

And then st got real.

This...can't end well...

wait, but Shining Armor said he would join them so...oh sh*t.