Set in an alternate-universe where tensions between countries and the Minotaur Empire are high and some of the resident ponies in the Minotaur lands are unhappy with their rule. A group of ponies select some brave indivduals who want to change history. Will it work? And what will history remember?
Disclaimer: STORY WILL NOT BE HISTORICALLY ACCURATE!
Random tag is only relevant for the end and the dark tag is only minor for planing assassinations and dark-ish theme.
I'm sorry in advance if this story happens to offend anyone as I am making a joke of quite a serious matter. Picture of sandwich from google images, horrible edit by me on paint.
Chapters (3)
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Yay for my paint skills on windows
Heh, Sarajevo-like assassination... I surely did expect that to be the main point of the story. Still, it works rather nicely
Maybe if you tried to build the tension of Mystic's upcoming task a little bit, the random ending would be contrasting (and thus functioning) better.
However, there are some recurring issues weighing down the story. Albeit, they can be fixed easily.
First problem are the tenses. You are switching between past and present forms of verbs, most notably in the first chapter. The masked pony spoke, but Mystic sees something. That's quite jarring to read. You should choose only one form and keep it thorough the whole story.
Next problem are the classic mixed up words. Remember that it's is an abbreviation of it is. If you want to say that something belongs to it, then the right word to use is its.
From time to time, you also mix up your and you're, but given you use them in the right places thorough most of the story, I think you now your way around those. The last if the mix ups is your use of was and were. They are tied to singular and plural forms of words respectively. If there is one, it's was. Multiple subjects, it's were.
And now onto some curiousities... Let's start with numerals (3, 28, 15...) first. Those should not appear in the text unless you are referring to a year or some code. Another reason is that does attract the reader's subconscious attention for looking different than normal letters, thus they drag the reader away from the plot itself. All numbers should be thus written using words.
Another more uncommon issue is your use of brackets. They can easily appear in a textbook where certain level of bluntness and simplicity is required. This however is a piece of fiction. People read that with intention to feel like they were standing next to the character all the time to enjoy it to the fullest. That means, you should show us in how much of sorry state his garden is by letting him walk there, get dirty, do something etc. rather than just telling us 'It's mud garden'.
The last larger issue is your punctuation in direct speech. However, explanation of that one would probably double this comment in length easily and I'm not sure if I'm not torturing you with my words already. So, if you want to tackle explanation of that one or have any additional questions, feel free to do so through a PM.
Thank you for this story and have good luck in your writing!
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Thanks for the feedback. I knew I did a terrible job on this story and I knew I screwed it up on many places but I wanted to get the idea out of my head as quickly as possible. I was thinking of a rewrite as this story was not done to the best of my abilities. This story and the Johnny Bravo one will be rewritten but I have no idea when. I'm thankful that someone noticed this story was a bit sideways on the English. I am still learning English as it isn't my first language but I try. Thanks again, and you'll hopefully read the better version when I bother to write. I don't have much time on my hands so who knows when that will be.
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No matter when it will happen again, but good luck with your writing!
You're welcome.English isn't my first language either, but when you write and read a lot, you can get it in your veins eventually