The Nightmare War

Princess Luna has fallen, and what has risen begins a war amongst day and night. Celestia's troops are sent to stop the evil Nightmare Moon from taking control over all of Equestria, as Captain Thorn League struggles to keep fighting, for the sake of her majesty, and the torture Luna is suffering.

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Bladewolf

Bladewolf #1 · Mar 25th, 2017 · · ·

Hmm. There's a lot I could say about this, but my first advice would get someone to read over it. An editor or friend perhaps? There are numerous grammatical errors and many sentences that abuse the comma instead of ending properly. Aside from brushing up on proper grammar and fixing typos, though, it wasn't bad.

There's a distinct lack of details. Not sure if that's intentional, but I have no view of what your protagonist is doing or where he is. A lot of what you did detail is left vague. I'm a fan of 1st Person POV, but your wording choices make it read a little awkward. A lot of the narrative and dialogue are blatant exposition, which isn't an awful thing, but it's still more 'vague detailing' in my opinion.

Regardless, there's a ton of nitpicking done for OC stories and I won't do that. Yet. I know it can be hard but try to find someone to look over it and give tips or corrections. If you're gonna spend time writing it, might as well have someone help make sure someone else will spend time reading it.

NicLove