- Member Since 30th Aug, 2015
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
Lighttone GryphonStar
I write stories because I enjoy them. I want to do better and am willing to take any advice to improve.
Lighttone GryphonStar
Joined 30th Aug, 2015 ·
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8040021 Hmm, I'm not sure if I refenced anything during this story, so your guess would be as good as mine.
While the design you gave me is based on Scarecrow's, I had more of a ReAnimator feeling as I read this. Also, I added the link to the description of the art on Deviantart.
There is one error I found
so the batpony
8040198 Oh nice catch. I'll go ahead and fix that. And thanks. Plus thank you for the favoring. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story.
Hmm, ReAnimator huh. I'm going have to look that one up as I'm at a complete loss on who that is.
You gave me a review on Princess of Friendship, so I'm giving you one back.
Grammar: Pretty good. But there are some mistakes here and there.
Richard walked over Norman -> Richard walked over to Norman
Norman grabbed the shredded head of the dog and looked it over, “Maybe we should?” -> Norman grabbed the shredded head of the dog and looked it over. “Maybe we should.”
...
Sentence structure: Kind of clunky. Some words repeat too much in the span of the same paragraph.
Writing: It's sometimes hard to figure out what exactly the purpose of some paragraphs is. Perhaps they'd make sense in the hindsight (on a second read) but they're not crystal clear on the first read.
Story: There are some holes. Norman doesn't seem to struggle with money, yet he's whoring himself for investors. Investors are egotists and look for profit only. They aren't dismissive but inquisitive because they want to know their investment will be safe.
He gets stabbed for no reason. Ragnarok comes out of nowhere (isn't he a World of Warcraft raid boss?). They inject the foal for no reason and only after start contemplating if they should be doing it. It's all kind of confusing, to be honest. Events also feel a bit forced. They don't happen naturally. It's like the story forces the characters to do certain things just so it can progress.
Flow: The funeral would be fine if it was done at the end of the novel about the wife, but for this story, it kind of drags on. When the wife dies it's the first time the reader 'sees' her. Her death falls flat because we don't care for her. We care a little about Norman, but not much at this point. Oh, and I only learned later that she wasn't murdered as I had thought first.
All in all, a decent story.
8041018 Okay, could you put spoilers up, please? Either way, thanks for the review. I knew something felt off about the story. And it's Ragnorog, not Ragnorak. That word is not misspelled, just made up from Ragnorak which is the Viking end of the world.
All right, time for a review!
Disclaimer: The following review is meant to help the writer analyzing his own flaws and strengths. Please, do not trust blindly those bits of advice.
The beginning worked me up thanks to the thing I liked the most about this: the setting.
Usually, I don't like gore. I find it needlessly crude. But being this an Alternate Universe with anthro and a grim-dark plot I was ok this. Even more, since the main character of the story is a mad scientist, which is a good reason for some gore.
Also, the intro with the needles and the dark liquid was quite good. There was symbolism, it was right in the action, and it pointed the attention of the reader where it should belong.
So, the first paragraph excited me.
But from here, there were some general issues that bothered me. They mostly concern style, so can be subjective, but they still are important.
First of all: the prepositions.
Now, I'm not very good with prepositions but I questioned you choices on the matter several times. Unfortunately, I'm foreign so I can't really tell if I'm making it up. In that case, sorry.
Now, to the next thing that made the reading dull: the pacing.
A good writer has to know how to time the story from scene to scene.
He has to fill more descriptive words while he can, he has to cut the sentence short when something important happens, and he has to break a line...
...for the suspense!
You didn't do that.
For the entire time, the only thought in my head was "So this happens." over and over. Not "Oh! This is so tense." or "Gosh, I wonder what he's going to do next!".
You weren't nearly descriptive enough, how am I going to picture myself among all those characters if you don't tell me where we are? Unfortunately, descriptions take time. I know. And this is fanfiction, so it's most likely that you don't have much time to spend writing. But descriptions are of vital importance for good quality. Sure, if you exaggerate your work ends up with being queasy just by looking at it, but you have to involve all the senses of the reader into this. All you did was to point up a few colors (dark purple liquid, yellow pegasus...) but what about everything else?
Is the liquid sticky, perhaps viscous?
Is the pegasus small, or tall?
Is he fat, or athletic?
And the gray unicorn, does he have mustaches?
Let's take a look at the scene during lunch.
Ok, so we're at a restaurant. Which one? What is its name? Is it even a good one or just a simple takeaway? They have those in Canterlot, right? Wait, are we even in Canterlot? Because you didn't specify that, you only said that the characters are from Canterlot. I'm not even sure which period their clothes should refer to, the only hints are the references to Flash Sentry and Fancy Pants but they don't even count because this is and AU.
The only thing you said about the background is that it began to snow (wasn't it snowing when they left the lab? It was.) but that information is so erratic and hurried that I forgot about it until later. Snow falling is usually a piece of information that you could spend an entire paragraph about, and yet you also say that they entered-ordered-seated and began to talk. And then they talk about their wives.
Too. Fast.
But let's go on with the story.
He's not. He's talking. Why did you have to point out that there was a wait? It adds nothing.
Then, we discover that both the stallions are married and their wives are waiting for a child. So far, so good. I'm actually waiting for you to introduce the happy families to us. Then, we meet the racist unicorn who's also Fancy Pants' father. That's ok too, it also feels like an interesting detail that could shape a trait of Norman's personality.
But this line bothers me:
I understand that you want to paint this guy as an asshorse, but this line is bad for two reasons:
? Furthermore, we have no idea what this guy means by proof and we don't even see Norman proving himself.
1)It's incredibly childish and unrealistic from a rich business pony, who should investigate about his new partners before meeting them.
2)The second half has nothing to do with the first. You want to order the best meal. Ok. Good for you. BUT HOW DOES THAT ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID
But let's move on. (I'm taking too long, sorry)
We see a bitter Norman getting back at home. A good scene, and a good time for some introspection.
I also liked the following scene when it's clear that something bad happened. It managed to make me feel a bit anxious.
One question, though.
“No, don’t worry. I'll get help. I’ll have the best doctors here immediately.”
So nopony asked for a doctor yet? I mean, none of the maids thought of getting medical help despite the premature birth?
The funeral wasn't actually noteworthy, if not to confirm the roles of a few characters and what Norman thinks of them (both things that we already knew.)
Now, the next part is ok but let's skip ahead.
“The only thing more durable then these are….. Ponies.”
Dude, why are you telling him? Pointing it out like that when your friend is going mad-scientist is stupid.
“The maid called in sick. Pitiful weak pony.”
Didn't he have more than one maid?
From here, the dialogue is inconsistent.
Next scene.
His eyes widened as his heart was pierced.
And yet, he survived.
I mean, I can barely accept the fact that he survived thanks to the substance that he didn't even know he had consumed, but this is also badly written. All this scene, and the explanation later.
We understand that Norman has gone insane to the point he messes with guards, but I have no idea how the spear pierced his chest. I don't mean physically (though, the action isn't that clear either), I just mean you could have forced the two guards to say something to clear their intentions. Were they racists? Were they scared? Or they just thought they were killing a hobo our of fun?
And for the last part... it makes no sense.
First of all, we find out that the mysterious savior is the priest who did the sermon. Is that important? Why couldn't he be just a mysterious stranger who only now introduces himself? Then, out of blue, Richard shows up with the foal and follows Ragnorog orders.
WHY?! JUST WHY?! Do they know each other?
And in the name of Celestia, why does he let them do what they want with the foal? After he tried to bring him away! And then he tries to stop them?
Let me synthesize it so that you can see the hole.
R: I have to save this foal from you!
N: Hey dude, could you bring the foal?
R: Do you want to shoot some shit into his veins?
N: Yep, probably.
R: Here's the foal.
N: And here we go with the drugs...
R: Dude, what the buck? YOU HAVE TO STOP, NORMAN!
N: I'm not Norman... I'm Night Fright....
Damn, that was long. I hope this will help.
I hope not.
Please, contact me (or write a comment) after you read this (if you read this). I would like to know I was useful.
Or if I offended you.
8046237 Well, thank you. And yes I know very well that background are my worse trait, but thanks for pointing it out. I'll try to improve. Though it also seems that I need to be more clear on others things too. Like with his sudden immortality. He not immortal, his mask has a blessing of immortality from the liquid when it got mixed with the several victims. If he takes the mask off he will still die, but when he got stabbed, he had the mask, therefore he survived.
Anyway, thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I will get around to fixing them tomorrow, as today is pretty busy for me.
Well, the ending could use some work, otherwise it's seems way cool to me.
8424570
Yeah, the ending is rather rough. Hmm, maybe I will go back sometime and fix it. But for now, I'm busy with a marathon involving my biggest story, Twilily Saga: Past, Present Or Damnation.