It's Rainbow's last year in Cloudsdale. Throughout her childhood, she's become used to growing up without supervision. She can make her own choices and do whatever she wants. Nothing is a challenge for her so long as she bothers to try.
There's a fly in the ointment, however. One family member in particular makes a habit of keeping an eye on Dash, and he's more than a match for Rainbow's headstrong behaviour...
An entry for EFNW 2017. Pre-reading services provided by Z (Edgelord), Verbose Mode, and ajvasquezbrony28. Coverart provided by Xadrow.
Chapters (1)
This was nice. 10/10 Bro-Striders.
7995406 The Striders were but one source of inspiration for Rainbro, which also included Kamina, Sōma Yukihira (from Shokugeki no Soma), and Toya Kinimoto (from Cardcaptor Sakura). Also Rainbow Dash herself, of course, especially with regards to his love of anime paralleling Rainbow's Daring Do adoration.
You know, for part of this, I was wondering if Rainbro actually existed, or if the whole thing was all in Rainbow's head...
--Sweetie Belle
7997703 There was at one point a possibility you might have been right, but later on I figured it didn't really fit in with the themes I was trying to tell. That said, even now, the only pony who ever sees him directly is Rainbow Dash, so maybe it's not a completely debunked theory.
Well... that was something!
A few minor typos and grammar gripes exist, and there are some quirks with character dialogue that doesn't sound completely natural (mostly certain individual word choices). Nothing bad enough to break my enjoyment of the story, though.
I caught where Rainbro was primarily inspired from very quickly, since it wasn't exactly subtle. I didn't have much issue with it, but I think in the big picture the Homestuck influences are a potential mixed bag. They'll work for people who are familiar with them and appreciate the crossover element, but maybe not so much for anyone who doesn't know what's going on or would prefer their ponies not mixed with other fandoms.
Overall, I found this story to be pretty entertaining, and I like the way themes it deals with are well aligned with the Scribblefest prompt. Good work!
8013614 I was actually far more concerned that it wasn't in line with the prompt. I had a bugger of a time with it: I've been rather spoiled by the AppleDash Prompt Tag prompts that rarely go above a single word, leaving an astronomical amount of interpretation room.
I think that if drawing influences from other sources is the biggest problem on my plate, then that's something I'm quite happy to swallow. (After all, unlike many, many full-on crossovers, I doubt this becomes unreadable without full understanding of the source material)
I'm far more interested about the typos and dialogue things you mentioned! If you have a minute free, I'd love to hear any examples you care to give so I can go and take a look. Regardless, though, I'm glad you thought it was fun. : )
So my main takeaway from this was that it was well written, but like hearing one half of a phone conversation. It SOUNDS like it should make sense, but I have no idea what's happening as I'm obviously missing some anime (or other?) references. Reading the comments, it sounds like that's definitely true. My anime fanboying ended when I finished college in 2004, so pretty much anything after Cowboy Bebop is probably lost on me. I know there was an anime I watched way back when "Yakitate!! Ja-pan" (or as we called it back then, "that bread anime") which was basically a battle of bakers, but even that's doesn't fit. So I know enough to know I'm missing big chunks here, but it's basically /random/ without that knowledge, despite being well written.
Oh, one thing that I really did like was the bit about "sky" being specific space, but "up" being a mere direction earth ponies confused "sky" with. That's a great bit of insight and characterization there.
8015041 This is the second time the comment has come up, and it's actually a bit puzzling to me. I was, initially, going to put it down to a one-off issue but generally, if something comes up more than once, I get a little more concerned.
When writing, I never got the impression that references or sources of inspiration were anything more than that: references and sources of inspiration. The story itself is about a fair amount of things, or at least should be: Rainbow Dash getting a job, becoming stronger and more adult, and being shaped in a way she would respond to.
I could go on about my intentions whilst writing (which, frankly, aren't very important to how the story reads), but all in all Rainbow Dash is a cool character obsessed with excitement and adventure: I tried to use various sources to model a sibling in a similar image to act as both a rival and a guardian.
I guess my source of confusion comes from why this appears to be a problem. If people saw elements of other stuff, fine, great, but I honestly didn't think that not knowing my exact process would be to the detriment of the story, as I didn't feel I was concealing or holding back any information that would be needed to understand what is happening.
That said, if I'm mistaken, I'd love to learn more about why. This development has taken me somewhat by surprise and I'm very keen to try and figure out what exactly I've been missing, as I certainly wouldn't have described this as a random story.
8015094 I'm not questioning your process. I'm just trying to give my honest reaction as a reader. This is MLP fanfic. Because of that, I come in with assumptions. I know Rainbow Dash as a character in the cartoon show, and from some amalgamated average of her portrayal in a whole host of fanfics. But "RainBro" is something entirely new. That he is invisible (or infinitely stealthy) is weird. That he repeatedly cooks for her is weird. That he then literally throws such food (with a particular focus on pasta) at her is REALLY weird. That he's a ninja-rival-cook-brother and Dash just accepts this.... that's... well you're off the reservation now. Basically, you've introduced so many new elements that I, as a reader, am overwhelmed. All these things just HAPPEN in the story, but there is no explanation as to why (other than, "for training.") Without reasons behind it, the feeling is that of walking in on a couple arguing. You can get the gist of what's going on, but without any background, you're lost, and can only assume that they both have reasons for their actions which you are not privy too. In fanfic, that assumption (apparently wrong here) is often because the story is purposefully referencing some other fiction you aren't familiar with. So my assumption in this case was that that this mysterious, unknown brother's action are a reference to some anime where training occurred the same way. Or that this is a ponification of even some particular character.
Bottom line for me is that this is not a normal sibling relationship. Normal siblings don't hurl pasta at each other. Normal bros don't punch their sister in some weird ninja training routine. And, when you break away from "norms" you have to explain it and give reasons for it. The things that happen in this story aren't bad, but they are unexplained, at least from my PoV, and that's my only real complaint. Why in the world is pasta throwing better than the brotherly advice Shining gives to Twilight? Why would an apparently caring brother go to such great lengths to be effectively invisible, even when doing something nice like cooking for his sis? Explain that, make me understand the character, and you can have a really solid piece here!
8024150 Well, at least I get your problem a lot more. To be honest, it sounds like your issue is less to do with references and more to do with expectations.
Thing is, this does strike me as a bit inconsistent. Weird characters are hardly a new occurrence, and I'm a bit confused by you wanting a 'normal' character in a highly abnormal show. In fact, everything this guy can do has happened in the show. We have seen ninjas, fighting with food, and fighting among friends (see, Applejack and Rainbow Dash).Even his behaviour is not at odds with Dash from where I'm standing, as he uses competition and underhand, stealthy methods (see Read it and Weep, 27 Pranks Later) to get what he wants, and is if anything just as utterly crap at personal relations as Rainbow.
I guess my problem is that, for me, in a universe where fighting has been done with pies, rock farmers can beat boulders apart with their bare hooves, Rainbow can crash through a rock tower mostly unharmed, and Fluttershy can defeat a cockatrice by looking at it really hard, this kind of stuff isn't that big of a leap for me.
I totes get that it evidently is for you, but I'm not sure how to fix that in under 6K words. : / I don't want to sound like I'm just making excuses (because that's kinda pointless) but I hope you can see where I'm coming from in this.
8024235 You're not wrong. A show about talking magic horses is definitively "not realistic."
So yes, it is about expectations. I am, to be blunt, judging fiction by higher standards than the show itself sets forth. I want stories to all be great. When I criticize something, it's because it's worth saving, as it were. I don't waste my time writing multi-page comments for stories that aren't.
But that said, I don't "want" normal characters. But I am saying that when a character is NOT normal—when all readers can't immediately identify where the character fits, then that needs explanation. The examples you mention were mostly isolated. Maud, for example, can break boulders, but it's very clearly shown throughout that episode that rocks are farmed, like plants, by this family. They even eat them in soup. Thus, over a 30 minute (23 minus commercials) period, it is explained why the Pie family, abnormal as they are, differs from others, and they can treat (and break) rocks like others do plants. Likewise, it's been explained over the course of many, many episodes that Fluttershy's "Stare" has incredible power, and Dash (aka "Rainbow Crash") can emerge unharmed from even the most brutal of crash landings. All of these are established over multiple seasons worth of episodes.
In this fic though, nothing tells us that RainBro spent a lifetime on a pasta farm. Nothing shows a father that forced him to learn to hurl food. Nothing suggests that the Dashs were raised for years to be invisible ninjas, (and somehow Rainbow completely failed/ignored this while here brother became such an expert that even her closest friends have never heard of him.) There is just not enough (in my own opinion, YMMV) to give reason to the behavior. Most notably, because Rainbow Dash herself doesn't do the same things. If they were both just "raised this way," and we'd seen Dash hurling pasta in the show, that'd be one thing. But her brother is so incredibly different from her (canonical) self that I feel it's not explained.
Again, all that said, I'm really not trying to strike an argument here. I think you're a good writer... heck, I'm pretty sure I've personally mailed you prizes for Scribblefest in years past! :-P I'm just writing all this to try to explain my viewpoint. It is not (in any way) inherently correct. It is JUST my opinion, and many other will (and do) disagree. So please don't be discouraged by my criticism. I give it only with the best intent, and genuinely look forward to reading your next stories!
(Also, as someone who's currently been awake all night and on his fifth ginormous whisky and coke, I love your profile/tagline!)
8024285
I am never discouraged by criticism, although I do tend to become rather businesslike in my quest to try to find a way to understand it. Understanding is the bridge that leads to knowledge. I'm not sure what comes after knowledge, but I'm told it's top banter.
I suspect that the problem might come down to trying to reconcile an extraordinary character's behaviour (in an extraordinary setting: I do not believe that a character like Rainbow Dash was made by anything other than outlandish circumstances) with suspension of disbelief, which I believe naturally conflict. Frankly, all the examples I gave were mostly filler: the main standard I try to judge the character by is Rainbow Dash herself (who is no normal pony), and if 27 Pranks later was any indication, the Dash family can bake cakes to look like sewing machines, can ninja bloody everywhere, and are absolute nutters. I like to think Dash might have learned a few of those tricks from somewhere. I actually like to think I was quite careful in taking elements from the show and working them into here.
It may be that I simply pushed my luck too far this time, but I don't believe in luck. : ) If there is a problem, I suspect it is down to my presentation. Perhaps later I might be able to expand on this story beyond the word count, and regardless, I hope the elements about Dash's personality shine through.
8024285
I'd just like to point out and say that this story is severely limited by the word count, so even if Haph wanted to develop everything, he simply couldn't. There's a few "deleted" scenes here and there that had to go because of it.
Not saying it in a redeeming maner, but it's a thing to keep in mind.
i've been lurking through all your uploads and silently loving the vast majority of them, so apologies for my first comment being a critical one! in spite of the concerned babbling to come, i usually adore your work, and find it thoroughly well written and well-referenced.
but, i do have a major concern with this piece.
i very much picked up on the homestuck references, and have to agree with others - it definitely reads more homestuck than anything. might've shot yourself in the foot with "rainbro" on that one - it's a cute pun, but paired with the shades, the ninja-ing/shadow-stepping, the empty fridge and ominous notes, rainbow's signature aviators as a gift ( emphasizing Rainbow Dave, albeit slating Rainbro in for John's role there), the animes, and a pretty classic slice-of-life Bro trope of him being secretly a responsible adult, or doing it "for Dave's own good", you've pretty much just got Pony Bro Strider there. there might have been other influences, but that one far overpowers the others.
which is why it's a bit concerning that the story is labeled a comedy, considering all of the comedy - near as i can tell - just comes from ... Rainbow being abused, and the mental health consequences of that abuse. ridiculous abuse, yes, but abuse. it hints at Rainbow Dash having developed cPTSD (having obvious triggers throughout the fic), but doesn't seem aware that's what it's given her? she very much feels like she's echoing Dave - someone who genuinely does well under pressure and can thrive in a challenging environment, but without the criticism of being forced to that Dave's character arc ultimately wrapped up with.
maybe this one also just hits a bit too close to home (worst pun '21 award goes to me!), but i was really missing that "no, abusing a kid is literally never for their own good, i don't care if it taught them life skills - it also messes them up real bad in ways other methods wouldn't" payoff that the original reference material had. in fact, it seems to excuse the abuse because she grew up to have some aspects of a functional adulthood.
i suppose i'm fishing for some authorial reassurance that the comedy was meant to be from Rainbro's sheer ridiculousness, and not ... Rainbow Dash being abused?