Colgates Rants 5

by StormLuna

Quibble Pants

My next patient really pissed me off and I'll tell you why. Well I was getting ready to close shop early one day because there was a Daring Do convention going on but some whiny voiced idiot in cosplay came in crying about getting a tooth knocked out by a Caballeron cosplayer over who the better character was. I've been to many conventions but at least there everypony was civil, well towards me anyway.

Alright, back to this idiot. He comes in demanding that I fix his tooth and since the convention lasted all weekend and I wasn't supposed to meet with Daring Do and Caballeron until the following day I checked to see if he had a way to pay. Now this guy is an idiot, he handed me his wallet to check for an insurance card! Well I was digging through it and he did indeed have insurance, a debit card and some paper bits too! Want to know the funny thing? While he wasn't looking I stole 200 bits worth of his money! There is lesson number one, never hand a complete stranger your whole wallet! Just hand them your card to prove you have insurance.

With that out of the way I was suddenly in a very good mood but who wouldn't be after getting away with a couple hundred bits? Well I take him back and he sees these autographed posters for the Daring Do books I have been in and he goes into a rage claiming that he refuses to acknowledge said books. Now I know this guy is an idiot. He ranted on and on about there being no way that Caballeron and Ahuizotl would be able to get an Alicorn to side with him. I couldn't help but laugh at this idiot as he continued to get more and more agitated.

Finally after twenty minutes of his ranting I smacked him and told him that if he kept on bitching that he would incur extra charges, a lot of extra charges so luckily for me, he shut the hell up. Like every other chickenshit patient, I had to use my magic to pry his mouth open and my first thought was "What the fuck?" Not only was he missing the tooth the Caballeron cosplayer knocked out, but he had several other broken teeth. Naturally his answer was idiotic. He claimed that once he had to stay with a family of earth ponies that eat rocks, well it was either that or he slept out in the cold. The good old Pie family, gotta love them, right?

I was quickly getting sick of him so I slugged him so hard I gave him a concussion, that made working on him go much more smoothly. Not only did he have jagged and broken teeth but he also had several cavities. Ugh, why can't ponies just take care of their teeth? Is it too much to ask? Enough about that, while he was a bit out of it I decided to do to him what I did to that idiot crystaller, I took a saw and cut his teeth down to where they were the same length.

Now he must recover quickly because before I even got done he began to come to and shook his head. Now that was funny because I still had the saw going and it cut the inside of his mouth! What made that so funny was that he began to choke on his blood. I decided to be nice so I leaned him up and cleared his airway. Now this was a mistake because he got a good look at my diploma and began to go off, again!

I still remember him shouting, "Wait a minute, Dr. Colgate Minuette? As in Dr. Minuette from the Daring Do books?"

I couldn't help but laugh as he was getting agitated over an antagonist working on him. It then hit him, the Daring Do books are not works of fiction, they are actual accounts of Daring Do's adventures. I realized that I can not have anypony knowing the truth so first I used a stun spell on him, knocking him unconscious. Then I decided I would just take my payment early. I ran his insurance card and surprisingly it paid 90%. You know what, I decided it was time to overcharge somepony again in the event somepony genuinely needs help with their dental bill.

Since he was unconscious I overbilled him with the debit card and I stole the rest of his money. It's not like he would need it anyway. After that I decided to use a special spell I have never used before, a memory eradication spell. Let's just say that he wound up losing two weeks of his memory so when he finally came to a couple weeks later in the Everfree Forest he had no idea where he was or how he got there. Oh well, I got paid and that is all that matters.

Oh and to top things off, the next day when I met with Daring Do and Caballeron I learned that I have to break into the royal palace in Saddle Arabia and steal this bronze sun statue. Apparently Ahuizotl is going to try to fry a remote corner of Equestria again and even better, I get to be there for the ceremony again. I do hope that in the end I get paid well for it and get to "store" it for safe keeping afterwards!