In past days of old, Luna would happily roam with her dear sister
But when she discovered the humans, something caught her eye
Something so powerful, not even she could escape it
In a last ditch effort, Celestia turns to the very race that started the whole thing
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Two likes, first cerial fic
One hate
Interwesting...
70 views+four likes=????
Hey, Luna can stay in her room collecting hats for as long as she wants...
-Jorofrarie
(P.S. We never did find out how many hats she has...)
Very intresting story, tracking and waiting for more.
One day, 140+ views
Even in another reality, Mann co. is controlling governments. Through hats no less.
I really like this so far. Keep up the good work man!!!
849284
She has [Insert convenient explosion sound here] hats
853442 Dammit Soldier! Play with Demo somewhere else! Real men are talking here!
(Bravejumps out the window to start wrestling an endangered rhino)
-Jorofrarie
This sounds like an interesting story, so you have my watch. The last parts of this story reminds me of Hayate the Combat Butler.
The dialogue at the end was odd, but good update nonetheless
Oh you should all wait till chapter three
Hmmm... Luna x Steven... this could be interesting
Good, good....
There were lots of grammar mistakes there but it was alirght. Of course I got lost about which guy was talking in the end though. ^^;
912410
Im so very very sorry :c
915119
It's okay, just keep writing I'm kinda curious about how it will go from here.
Needs more POOTIS.
POOTIS!
924584
Wait till chapter 5
#SPOILER There is going to be a comic-con type thing going on :D
924594
If im asked nicely, i may even create the title for you
924604
Could you PLEASE add more pootis?
924634
Chapter 5 : Luna Vs Heavy
Um, there are quite a few spelling mistakes in this chapter. I'll point them out for ya.
“You love yer, Its a small, love, one based on nothing but a feeling, But it's the mso genuine love I’ve seen in a long time. One I can't wait to see blossom further.”
=
“You love her, It's a small, love, one based on nothing but a feeling, But it's the most genuine love I’ve seen in a long time. One I can't wait to see blossom further.”
--
“But I’m a human, she is a Aliacorn.” Steven said in genuine astonishment. “Don’t you have anything you say about that?”
=
“But I’m a human, she is an Alicorn.” Steven said in genuine astonishment. “Don’t you have anything you say about that?”
--
“Ohhh, kinkiy~” She replye whiel giving a devilish wink.
=
“Ohhh, kinky~” She replied while giving a devilish wink.
--
The sunset of today slowly tiptoed away to tomorrow as he typed his first of many reports on Luna's progres.
=
The sunset of today slowly tiptoed away to tomorrow as he typed his first of many reports on Luna's progress.
--
As he taped in the final words, he hit saved
=
As he typed in the final words, he hit save
--
"We are princesses, and as such we are expected ted to leave at any time of the day to go where we are needed."
=
"We are princesses, and as such we are expected to leave at any time of the day to go where we are needed." (Removed 'ted')
--
Celestia then nuzzled his neck till his watter banks overfloed, dissasembalign ant hold he had on his emotions.
=
Celestia then nuzzled his neck till his water banks overflowed, disassembling any hold he had on his emotions.
--
Of course, these are just the ones I could spot straight away. Hopefully, I have been a small help.
943601
Saved
" Poopy had never laughed so much in a long time." ... wat.
943636 Poopy the Alicorn Queen. wat.
943779
Changed
943862
Dubs are a powerful thing
"Her name was Poopy If Steve were not already fuming, he'd mutter a laugh."
"Poopy says to break the ice."
"Poopy hadn't shared a moment like this with her to daughters for too much to long."
I can't even.... Best error ever.
944140
Fixed
Fixed
Fixed
Ok first of all. You said this was crap. You were wrong. This actually is pretty good except for two things.
1. Spelling Mistakes
2. We need to have a better background on Steven and some parts seemed to not fit in at the time. Like why did they scottish guy asked him to say that etc.
But you get a like and a fave and here take a moustache
Here's how I'm going to post some grammar problems that I found in your story:
* = The paragaraph where the problem is
> = A suggestion on how to fix the problem.
- = My comment on the suggestion.
*They had been going for what seemed like days. Both were equally matched in both the theory and the practical. Seeing no end to their strife, Celestia called them both in for a meeting. Naturally this had not gone unnoticed. With Pinkie Pie being so close at hand that day, all she had to do was tell everypony when to meet. As was Pinkie's usual style, the once meek hall had been transformed to a colorful wonderland. The two combatants began their march through the massive hall of streamers and confetti, making sure not to eye each other, and finally kneeling down in front of the royal throne. One was a teenage boy called Steven, who was no older that 18, had brown hair, blue eyes, and wore black from head-to-toe. The other was a older gentile named Kerth, who instead had no hair, brown eyes, and dressed like golfer; green checkered shirt and all.
> They had been going for what seemed like days. Both were equally matched in both the theory and the practical. Seeing no end to their strife, Celestia called them both in for a meeting. Naturally this had not gone unnoticed. With Pinkie Pie being so close at hand that day, all she had to do was tell everypony when to meet. As was Pinkie's usual style, the once meek hall had been transformed to a colorful wonderland. The two combatants began their march through the massive hall of streamers and confetti, making sure not to eye each other, and finally kneeling down in front of the royal throne. One was a teenage boy called Steven, who was no older than 18, had brown hair, blue eyes, and wore black from head-to-toe. The other was a older gentile named Kerth, who instead had no hair, brown eyes, and dressed like golfer; green checkered shirt and all.
- This is how I normally used to do with these grammar problems but since your story is less than 2,000 words a chapter, this will probably be the only chapter that I will be copying huge paragraphs in which I normally do to help you find the problem easier.
* “My parents are Christian.” Taking a sip of his tea. He let the cup hang in the air before letting it rest on the bone-white table. A gentle wind sent a chill up his body. If it were not so painfully ironic maybe he would have laughed. “I don't like to talk about them and the avoid me like the plague.” He should feel on top of thew world, yet Steven had never felt so small.
>“My parents are Christian.” Taking a sip of his tea. He let the cup hang in the air before letting it rest on the bone-white table. A gentle wind sent a chill up his body. If it were not so painfully ironic maybe he would have laughed. “I don't like to talk about them and they avoid me like the plague.” He should feel like he's on top of the world, yet Steven had never felt so small.
- Remember these are suggestions, my changes are not always right with the context of the story, but I sometimes do have problems with written content here or there, but that doesn't mean that I'm absolute. Say for the problem in this one here in the first fix, is just a regular typo, but the second fix there's something off here like you were missing some more words, I suggest this change as way to fix it, but if you can think of something better than you should do that.
* “Is there something wrong?” Some time had pass while she starred at him from behind her cup. He looked like something was about to leave his mouth but instead, he went back to just sipping his tea. Feeling deflated, she continued her own. “Steven, what would you say if you were not just hired for your skill?”
>“Is there something wrong?” Some time had pass while she stared at him from behind her cup. He looked like something was about to leave his mouth but instead, he went back to just sipping his tea. Feeling deflated, she continued her own. “Steven, what would you say if you were not just hired for your skill?”
-Just a basic typo, Celestia was staring at Steven right?
This has to be dead-er than death himself.