Kirby
Joined 29th Apr, 2012 ·
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I can't be the only one here who clicked on this expecting clop.
You need a ton of work on Grammar. Also, double space paragraphs and make a new one for every new speaker.
847218 You and a couple of your underbelly-dwellers.
847236
Surprised to see you here, but no harm can be done in having a little fun.
Alright, Criticism time:
Okay, lots of gigantic sentences. Lack of full stops are a problem, but I feel it's mostly due to my next point.
Commas are nice. Try using them more (hint, read once). You can't just use "and" all the time.
It feels very rushed. As a result, both Twi and Spike are acting very oddly.
Lots of minor spelling mistakes (waht, theese, enegry, etc)
New Speaker = New Line EVERY DAMN TIME
"...digging in the ruins of a an old city one that was supposed to be the location of an old unicorn city"
"...it was four miles long and very and about one mile tall..."
Finally, I dislike the idea behind the story. Sounds to me like the author likes Halos, Ponies and Falling Skies (whatever that is). Then they decided the best way to celebrate this was to stick them all in one big, jumbled up fanfiction-y mess.
Too many cooks spoil the broth, like too many crossovers spoil the story.
Sorry, but a thumbs down from me.
847247 I have been online all goddam day. And my nerves are frayed to no end with the experiment I'm conducting so don't mind me if I flip into rage mode at any opportunity.
And yeah while there isn't any harm in a little fun......really? I mean...seriously? You straight up went into Mrhappyface territory.
847259
If we're going to have an intelligent discussion let's do this over pm. I don't want the authors first story to be flooded with spam.
Dude, you need an editor
847274 Nah, you do what you gotta do. I do what I gotta do.
847291
So enlighten me on how I crossed into Mr.happyface territory (I commend you for the reference), can't you simply appreciate a good joke?
847307 Well I can, but it's sort of complicated.
See, he portrayed everything that we didn't want to see (necrophilia, pedophile, rape, etc.) And while your story was intended to HORRIFY the reader (which I commend you on a job well done) it kind of...how you say, went too far. It kind of resonated with a part of brony culture that we don't want to bring up because it's all a part of us at some level. For some of us (not including me) we do this sort of thing. Other times it's because people simply don't want to see it because it's like showing Devout Christians, gay sex. Point is, the reason I, and the rest of the fandom don't like it, is because it resonates with a deeper part of our being.
847329
null
There's the story if anyone's interested, but that aside you are making a wide generalization with your above statement."because it resonates with a deeper part of our being" correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems as if your saying the fandom hates this sub genre because it is true. While it does pertain to the darker side of the fandom shouldn't we simply accept this as just a natural part of any fandom.
847365 What I'm saying is it's true to a certain extent. Take for example coffee. Some people like it, others need it to get on with their lives. And others worship it with religious fervor. There are different extents. And you're right, I am making a generalization because the issue itself is nebulous. And trust me, I myself AM trying to accept it, but the little bit of morality in me is vehemently rejecting it.
And when I do say "it resonates with a deeper part of our being" I'm talking about the Id the most basic of the human psyche. There is always that little part in your brain talking about the atrocities you could commit (which you constantly shut down like the Chinese Government on Freedom of Speech).
And as a fandom, there is that collective problem of not wanting to admit it to ourselves.
847403
But putting all subject matters aside, all I'm merely asking is for some unbiased criticism.
847435 Unbiased, it was fine really. No spelling and punctuation mistakes. Dexterity in storytelling mechanic keep it interesting and flowing at a decent pace. In all honesty it's better than seventy percent of the crap people post on the New Stories!
The title "They Came" and the Sex tag make up for some... Slightly different expectations from what I had.
what 847582
wait i put a sex tag?
whoops sry guys
must have accidently clicked it
847605
Yeah. Look up your story on the front page. It says Sex in purple.
Sex.
847236 thanks i should start writing this on Word
847255 I thank you for your time to read it
847280 yeah I know, I was wondering are there any editors that I can contact to get in touch?
847218 yeah sry about that I was going to pur the sex tag a little later in the story, I plan to have
Thank you all for at least reading it :) if there are any editors on this site could you please direct me to them? thanks
hmm....interesting....im always up for a halo crossover so ill fave it just to see what happens
873373 thanks im trying to get a chapter out right now but i can only do it on the weekends cause i ahve summer school getting out out so though
Launch the Shivas! also is there a UNSC?
Update?
973044
No launch the Havoc class Missles!