Waking up, Gilda groaned.
She’d slept randily, dreaming of Pegasi. That meant her wings would be sore for a few minutes - she tried to think of earth ponies to make sure they stayed nice and flaccid. She smacked her dry tongue in her mouth a few times as she blinked, the warmth of her covers still radiating outwards.
She needed to poop.
Getting up with a few popping joins she walked into the main cave, heading for the bathroom. She heard the scampering of paws and smelled the distant smell of baked goods.
She predicted it down to a second.
The Diamond Dogs smashed though the cavern, biting each other and arguing over nothing. Trixie emerged from her lair shouting and cursing everything that wasn’t herself. And Steven Magnet entered with eelgrass-covered scones.
But for once, it didn’t get her down.
As she hit the crapper she found herself in unusually high spirits. It was rather stupid - the only difference between today and any other day was that she was going to take a class. On knitting.
Why did it put her in a good mood?
Was she really that bored? Had her life become so rote that she could find heart-raising excitement in paw-crafting clothing?
Unfortunately, it looked like it.
As she washed her claws, she found herself humming softly. She walked back into the cavern, the song still sticking in her head. It was all too late she realized she’d started to sing a little and Steven Magnet had joined in.
And because of the damned magic of Equestria, whenever two creatures sang at once, a Musical Number started.
BACKUP SINGERS - My Big Angry Griffon, my Big Angry Griffon~
Ah ah ah ahhhhh~
GILDA - I never knew true misery~
BACKUP - My Big Angry Griffon!
GILDA - Until you losers all moved in with me!
DIAMOND DOGS - Why are we singing?
GILDA - I don’t really know.
TRIXIE - I thought only the main cast got songs in this show!
STEVEN MAGNET - Villains living together is no easy feat! But my beautiful self makes it all complete!
BACKUP - My Big Angry Griffon~
GILDA - I will kill every one of you if you mention this ever again.
There was a short awkward silence as the inhabitants of the cavern looked around, Gilda’s threat hanging in the air. She put on a decidedly epic scowl to prove she meant it.
“ So, how about those Wonderbolts?” asked Spot, looking up to Fido. The dogs began to argue in an instant as Trixie stormed off. Rolling her eyes, Gilda made her way to the fridge and rooted around, finally pulling out something she’d kept just in case she needed to forget a morning such as this.
“ Hello, sixty-four ounce mini-keg.” she crooned, picking up the canister in her arms and cradling it. She licked the tab like she was preparing to french-kiss it. “ I need you inside me now.”
================
It was mid-afternoon when a very cold Gilda landed in the center on Ponyville, right next to the infamous tree library.
Ruffling her feathers as she set down her bag of supplies, she held her forepaws up to her mouth and blew on her fingers. It had started to cool off surprisingly quick, which made her wonder if there had been some sort of accident with the cold front. The two pegasi she’d seen didn’t seem to be the most competent of weather controllers, but then Gilda was spoiled, having personally seen the work of -
Frowning, she put that pony out of her mind and turned to the library.
Gilda didn’t like libraries. They were not cool. They were as far as things got from cool. But, she’d taken a challenge - in foolish frustration, but she’d taken it - that she’d prove to that Rarity unicorn that she could do anything with her fingers a pony could do by mouth or magic.
Gilda sighed, as it wasn’t actually a challenge by the unicorn. It was more of her personal tendency to pick fights. She had to prove she was better than unicorns and earth ponies, half because of her pegaphilia and half because of her pride of her species. It was re-affirming what she thought of herself, regardless of what others actually thought.
But ponies-be-damned, she was right!
Heartened and focused, she stormed into the library with the bag of supplies slung over her shoulder, ready to rip the head off of the first pony that giggled. Maybe literally.
Inside the library it was blessedly warm. Several ponies were assembled in the meeting room - she recognized the big red draft from the Apple farm she occasionally bought booze from and that wonky mail-mare - and to her chagrin, the purple unicorn from the party she’d lost Dash at.
“ Hello! Rarity told me you’d be by.” said the unicorn, greeting Gilda. Choosing to not return the greeting, Gilda took the pillow closest to the fireplace and sat down grumpily, her good mood from the morning gone.
A orange earth mare fidgeted nervously next to her. A little of the good mood came back.
“ Well, this should be everyone.” said the unicorn, taking a spot at the head of the room. Gilda raised an eyebrow - most ponies would say “everypony” just as griffons would say “everybirdy”, but the unicorn had used a species neutral term. She was making an effort to include Gilda, one which was almost appreciated.
Almost.
“ So, introductions. I’m Twilight Sparkle and I’ll be teaching the class. We’ll meet two more times, the same day on the next two weeks. This will be a pretty informal class - if you want a more structured activity, I would suggest my class on the study theoretics in applied learning, which meets - “
Gilda gagged. The big red draft shot her a glare.
“ Well, I shouldn’t babble.” said Twilight Sparkle nervously. “ So, lets get started. Everyone get out your needles and your favorite color of yarn - we’ll just be using one color for now.”
Twilight launched into a lecture on terms and techniques immediately, combining the worst traits of the teachers Gilda had hated as a cub into one lesson. It was long, had a lot of vocabulary terms, and she was obviously enthusiastic about teaching. There were additional problems that slowly began to creep up - her demonstrations showed how to use ones mouth or magic to hold the needles, leaving Gilda to try and figure out the correct way to use her paws.
Gilda was pissed she hadn’t seen this coming.
It wasn’t like she should have been surprised. It was a pony class. They taught pony techniques. True, Gilda had picked up a little - she now knew her warf from weft - but when the class began to try the basics, she was all claws. She got tangled in the yarn and dropped the needles, managed to tear the few loops she completed, and soon was growing very frustrated.
In comparison, the big red draft had finished the first two exercises, a simple link bracelet and a small fabric square, and was now moving onto starting a scarf. The mail-mare was trying incorporating other colors. The carrot-colored mare was working on her third bracelet.
Gilda was just about to throw the needles away when Twilight trotted over.
“ Okay, so, looks like your having a little trouble.” said the unicorn in a gentle voice that just made Gilda want to punch her. “ So, um, lets stop - and see if we can save some of this yarn - “
Gilda scowled as the purple mess began to levitate and reball.
“ Alright, so, I think the problem your having is trying to use your paws.” said Twilight, focusing as she finished re-winding the yarn. She even repaired the tears. “ Have you tried using your beak?”
“ Won’t work.” muttered Gilda, stretching her neck a little.
“ Well, um, lets see, we’ve got some other options.” said Twilight, focusing. “ You could...um...wait, uh....”
“ I just need to figure out how to hold these stupid things.” muttered Gilda, trying to get Twilight to leave her alone. She was getting embarrassed as the others began to notice how much trouble she was having. “ It’s not like you can show me, so bug out.”
Twilight blinked.
“ Oh! I have an idea!” she said, face lighting up. She trotted to the hallway as Gilda sighed. She could feel her gall rising. “ Spike! Hey, Spike, get your tail down here!”
Gilda paused. Spike. She’d heard of somepony called Spike from Rainbow Dash. Gilda hadn’t paid much attention, so she didn’t know anything about him. But it wasn’t like it was a solution, was it? Spike was still a pony. He didn’t know how fingers worked - unless maybe he’d known a griffon? That was stretching it. Gilda sighed, preparing for another letdown and cursing the bits she’d spent on this stupid idea.
Then, to her surprise, a little dragon wearing a wool sweater with a diamond pattered entered, looking annoyed and sipping on steaming hot chocolate.
“ What?” he asked, looking to Twilight.
“ Uh, Spike, would you mind showing the griffon over there how you how you knit?”
“ Eeesh, fine.” said Spike with a grumble, walking over to Gilda. “ Hey. Sup.”
“ Sup.” said Gilda, eyeing the little lizard dubiously.
“ So, not gonna lie, these are worthless.” said the lizard calmly, taking the pair of needles and tossing them away.
Gilda sputtered.
“ W-what?” said Gilda, jumping up. “ You little cretin, I’m gonna - “
“ Follow me to the living room, where theres enough space.” said the dragon, not intimidated as Gilda, claws bared and wings flared, towered over him. He fished a marshmallow out of his drink. “ Grab your stuff and move your tail.”
As the little lizard walked out of the room, Gilda tried to kill him with pure hate.
==============
“ Okay, so here’s how this is gonna go down.” said the little dragon, hopping onto an overstuffed armchair. He and Gilda were now in a separate room, one which, bizarrely, had a fireplace on each wall. It was like an oven in here. Besides his chair was a basket full of blankets. “ I’m gonna teach you how to knit with claws in exchange for a little service.”
“.....don’t push your luck.” said Gilda, glaring at him. It was only the desire to not have wasted bits keeping him from being stuffed into his coco mug.
“ See, I’m a simple dragon.” said Spike, putting down the mug on the side table. “ I have my friends, my gems, and Twilight, and thats usually enough. But a dragon has needs. And some needs ponies just can’t help a guy out with. And you seem like the kind of lady that can help.” He clacked the claws on one paw together.
Gilda’s eyes narrowed.
“ Now, I’d like to keep this our little secret.” Spike looked to the door nervously, slipping off his sweater. “ I’m not embarrassed, mind you. A growing dragon just has desires, desires looked down upon in Equestrian company.”
“....let me get this straight.” said Gilda in monotone. “ You’re asking me to give you a pawjob in exchange for teaching me to knit?”
The little dragon blushed so hard his nose smoked.
“ A pawjob?!” he said in alarm, wincing as he realized how loud he’d been. He silenced for a moment, listening - but nopony seemed to have heard him. “ What kind of pervert are you? Ew, I don’t even want to think about that!”
“....thats what it sounded like you were asking for.” said Gilda, relieved. She’d have had to kill the little cretin if he’d actually been asking for that, and that would not have gone well - she would be the only suspect in his death and she’d heard dragon blood stained feathers.
“ No! I want you to make me a thing of meatloaf!”
Gilda blinked.
“....meatloaf.”
“ Well, I can’t exactly ask Twilight to make some, can I?” said Spike defensively, crossing his arms. Gilda saw his point - ponies were very uncomfortable around carnivores as it was. “ Thats why this has to stay so secret. I already make some of the townsponies nervous because of my fire breath - imagine if they knew I was a meat eater? I’d be the little hungry monster that played with their foals - and every time somepony was missing, they’d come right to me and demand I cough them up, like I’d eat a pony!”
“ Yeah, they taste awful.” said Gilda, rolling her eyes as the griffon granted.
“....uh....how..do you know that?” asked Spike, looking very nervous.
“ Nipped a pegasus a little too hard while wrestling once.” said Gilda with a growl. “ But thats none of your business. So, meatloaf. I’m the right kind of lady to make it, because I’m a lady. So I cook.”
“ Yeah, now you get it.”
“ .....letting that slide, do you have any meat?”
“ Three pounds ground beef, sitting in a secret location.” said Spike, hopping out of his chair and walking over to where Gilda stood. “ And I’ve got a kitchen where we can make it in.”
“....why don’t you do it yourself?” asked Gilda, looking at him quizzically. Spike gestured to a stepstool that was taller than he was. “ Ah, get it. So, you get dinner, then you teach me. That’s the deal?”
“ Thats the deal.” said Spike, reaching out a paw.
“ Fine.” grunted Gilda before spitting in her paw and shaking Spikes, making him flinch in disgust.
===========
“ This was not part of the deal.” said Gilda, scowling as she ripped the party hat off of her head.
“ Look, just bear with it.” said Spike, trying to shoo Pinkie Pie away from Gilda. “ Pinkie, come on. Don’t mess with her.”
“ I’m just trying to lighten the mood!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing around the kitchen of her apartment, located above Sugarcube Corner. Gilda had protested greatly when she’d found out where they were to be making the meatloaf, but she’d shook and spat on it - griffons honor demanded she see it though.
Even if it meant putting up with the pony she hated most in the world.
Afterwards, she was gonna beat the crap out of that damned little dragon.
“ Well, um, don’t.” said Spike gingerly. He motioned for Gilda to start. “ We’re kinda, um, making something....special.”
“ Ooh! Is it an apology cake for Rainbow Dash?”
Gilda felt a vein rupture in her eye.
“....I guess not.” said Pinkie Pie, looking as Gilda flexed a talon at her menacingly.
“ I’m going to start now. Don’t get within three wings of me or I’m tossing you into the oven and setting it to high.” said Gilda, her tone dripping with venom. She turned and set to work, getting out the pans and utensils.
“ So, um, what kinda cake is it then?” asked Pinkie Pie, looking to Spike.
“ Um, well, it’s more of a ... loaf.”
“ Ooh, so it’s bread?” said Pinkie, looking focused. “ Okay, special bread. Let me think, what kind of - “
“ Um, Pinkie? You know that favor you owe me?” said Spike, sounding nervous. “ Not the one I called in to use your kitchen. You, um, know. The big one.”
Pinkie Pie went rigid.
“ Ooh.” she said, looking uncomfortable. “ Um, we aren’t going to discuss that in....front...of...”
Gilda was listening closely out of malice. She wanted to hear every ounce of suffering in that ponies voice, even if only lasted moments....
“ We aren’t.” said Spike, and to Gilda’s disappointment Pinkie Pie relaxed. “ But I’m calling in the favor to get you to promise that you never, ever, never, ever, never, ever tell anypony what I’m having Gilda make.”
“ Deal!” said Pinkie Pie, too eagerly. “ Um, wait. It’s not, like, meat. Is it?”
“ You said deal! You promised!” said Spike in a panic. Pinkies eyes went wide. “ Come on! You promised, Pinkie! You go back, everypony finds out about the-”
“ Nope!” said Pinkie, covering his mouth and looking to Gilda in terror. “ Nope, its okay, murder somepony in my kitchen, ha ha! Ha! I’ll just...I’ll just get the .... body....bags...”
“ It’s ground beef.” said Gilda, holding up the package. “ Made from cow.”
This did not seem to comfort Pinkie a bit. Gilda liked that.
“ See, um, I kinda...need to eat meat.” said Spike awkwardly. “ Not very often, but, well, I do. I get most the proteins I need from rubies, but it’s like a pony not eating part of their diet. Its not healthy.”
“...ooooohhh....” moaned Pinkie, shying backwards from Gilda. “ T-try not to get any blood on the stove! A-and just put all the stuff you use in a box! You can have it!”
“ ‘kay.” said Gilda. She took the spoon she was using the mix the oats in and touched it to Pinkies microwave. “ Oops. You still want that?”
“ NOPE.”
Twenty minutes later, Gilda owned everything in Pinkies kitchen.
===============
“ Well, here you go.” said Gilda, setting down the steaming pan of meatloaf in front of Spike. His eyes sparkled with excitement - nearby, Pinkie Pie’s eyes sparkled with tears as she hid behind her sofa. “ Ketchup?”
“ Yes please!” said Spike, his excitement almost cute. For a moment as she fetched the sauce for him, she felt a mite motherly. She shushed that idea by imagining how much an egg would hurt coming out, a thought which usually put her off any maternal urge for a year or two. She gave him the bottle as Pinkie Pie began to whimper. “ Oh, man, look at this! It’s so greasy - oh, man, this is gonna be delicious!”
He uncapped the ketchup and blasted the meatloaf with it, rendering it not unlike a fresh kill. Forgoing utensils he launched himself at the meal, biting in viciously and tearing the meatloaf apart with great fervor. It was actually kind of fascinating to watch, from a technical standpoint that only another predator could admire. Despite his small mouth he had surprisingly long fangs and could open it very wide, almost like a snake unhinging its jaw. He worked in quick, small bites - but that made sense, as a full grown dragon would have trouble finding meals that didn’t end that quickly. His claws were forgotten, digging into the table as braces to counter the snapping force of his jaw.
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was vomiting so hard that Gilda expected to see blood.
“ Geez.” she said, dodging a little projectile splatter and shielding herself with a cookie sheet. “ It’s just a little meat.”
“ ITS MURDER!” cried Pinkie Pie before a fresh wave of half-digested cupcakes flowed from her. “ YOU MADE CUTE LITTLE SPIKY WIKEY INTO A MURDERER!”
“ Hey, it was his idea.” said Gilda with a shrug. Pinkie Pie dry heaved, struggling to breath. “ So, Spike, you really think she’s going to keep her promise?”
“ Um, yes.” said Spike, looking uneasy as he wiped splatter from his cheek. “ Um, Pinkie? So, here’s the plan. Tomorrow, come by the library and I’ll convince Twilight to cast a memory removal spell on you. You won’t remember, uh, anything.”
Pinkie just sobbed.
“ Hey, Spike, meet me out front.” said Gilda, pushing him towards the door. “ I’ve a little experience explaining this to ponies and it’s best if we do this alone.”
“....alright, fine.” said Spike, looking uneasy. He turned and walked to the door, gave another look to the shivering Pinkie, and then left.
“ Well, Pinkie Pie.” said Gilda, leaning over the earth mare, her tone vile and joyous. “ You’ve seen a bit tonight, haven’t you? Well guess what - it’ll get worse tonight. You’ll just dream about Spike, cutting you open and eating you. With ketchup. Maybe he’ll go after your friends too. Won’t that be a nightmare?”
Pinkie looked to Gilda with watery, terrified eyes.
“ But, you know, tomorrow when you get that memory spell, you won’t remember a thing, will you?” said Gilda, elbowing Pinkie in the rib. “ And that little monster will be walking around town. Playing with foals. Probably coming into your very home and talking with you like nothing ever happened. Just like he’s been doing for ages, right?”
Pinkie Pie’s face lit up in a wordless shriek.
“ See ya, loser!” cackled Gilda, racing off for the door. She grabbed the microwave and saw herself out.
==========
An hour later, as Gilda took to what was to be a long flight with a heavy load, fresh from a tutoring session with Spike, she spared a glance to Sugarcube Corner.
The building was burning as the shocked proprietors looked on and several royal guards hauled a pink earth mare away in a straight jacket. Her good mood from this morning returned a hundredfold.
“ My big angry griffon~” she hummed, fluttering off into the crisp night.
LOL. I love your Gilda, she's awesome. Owned everything in Pinkie's kitchen, almost did Spikey pawjob, SONG, that FUCKEN SONG!!! LOL
i wish i could think of a tune that would go with the song so glad you had more STEVEN MAGNET and other roommates in this one keep on being awesome, good sir!
47837 There will be more roomies in the future! Maybe a little lite on them next chapter, though. Also, I would suggest searching for 331Erock on youtube and watching his My Little Pony Meets Metal video. It was the music I listened to while writing.
Oh good lord. Gilda drove Pinkie completely insane.
I love it. I do hope we see Pinkie later, once she's had some time to talk to the nice therapist and get a delicious vitamin prescription set up! (She and Twilight can be pill buddies! You know she only got that way in 'Lesson Zero' because she stopped taking her meds.) After all, Gilda can't torment her more if she's locked away forever...
And thus Gilda was redeemed.
You sir, are wildly fucking entertaining. Just... Jesus god. Take these stars before I rob you.
The last chapter was extremely promising. This is the best. Simply the best.
I had a huge grin plastered on my face for the entire thing, and I swear I woke up my roommate at "twenty minutes later, Gilda owned everything in Pinkie's kitchen"
Great use of My Big Angry Griffon, that was way better than anything I could have imagined when you asked me if you could use it. WAY better.
6 stars, Y U NO possible?!
There goes my nice Gilda... Oh, well. This was still hilarious. Keep it up
My Big Angry Griffon is filmed in front of a live studio audience. I just think it'd be funny if Gilda was the only one who could hear the "Ooohs, Awwws, laughter and applause."
She'd be like, "MAKE THE VOICES GO AWAY!!!"
Pros:
+ Wacky neighbors/roommates: Self absorbed bitch who is actuality kinda sucks, nuckleheaded slobs with OCD and a flaming gay stereotype(seriously, I'm surprised he isn't Jon Cryer and talks about his love for the movie Showgirls)
+ Great situational comedy and the jokes work really well.
+ Spike, just Spike
+ Everything else
Cons:
- No Urkele, Neil Patrick Harris, Red Foreman or Carlton Dance.
Peace Out.
P.S: I can totally see this being a show on FX with the same writers as It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
This chapter should be called Gilda steals a microwave and breaks Pinkie Pie's spirit. I couldn't stop laughing during the scene where Spike tears into that meatloaf like a predator, fangs glistening and jaw partially unhinged. (Gilda shoulda mentioned meat loaf always taste better cold between two pieces of Wonder Bread)
47859 Oh, pinkie will be back. And there will be more torture.
47862 Look out! It's that...one...guy! Thanks for the stars.
47886 Glad you liked the song! When I read what you wrote, it basically popped into my head that I had to write a song. And I'm still going to use "Knitting is Dextrous" for the next chapter title.
47888 Y'all wanted a nice Gilda? Well, um, y'aint gunna find one in this fic.
48035 Well, I have a special guest episode planned for fairly soon. I think that somepony (or somebody) who will be starring would ONLY be in charecter if he was doing the Carlton at some point. And oh, hell, it's going to be Discord, so he'll be basically doing the Urkel Wacky Sideplot for the episode.
First chapter was better, but this was still quite enjoyable. Singing was a good call. Spike's request worked pretty well too. Doubtless he'll get the lecture from Twilight that he is supposed to go to Fluttershy for such things in the future! (That girl knows nature and nutrition better than anypony!)
Poor Pinkie! Hopefully she will make a speedy recovery. It wouldn't be the same if she wasn't around to get Gilda properly pranked post-haste!
Suggestions
- 'Claw-Crafted Creations' sounds more alliterative than 'paw-crafted'. I like all the k noises.
- Instead of fake nails, fake claw-extenders. Specially made to get that one claw extra long for knitting. I'm sure other inventive uses can be created for it too.
- Make sure the pegasus mail-mare gets placed in a distracting position at the next class. Gilda deserves to sweat through the embarrassment a few times in public.
"Twenty minutes later, Gilda owned everything in Pinkies kitchen. "
This single line made my entire week
"An hour later, as Gilda took to what was to be a long flight with a heavy load, fresh from a tutoring session with Spike, she spared a glance to Sugarcube Corner."
Very mean, but surprisingly still funny.
whelp, this is on my watch list. Second chapter's better than the first! Oh and Spikeyou genius, you now get a reset on calling in Pinkie's favour!
lol
48159 Oh, I have plans for that mail-mare. Big plans. Also, I like claw-crafted. Might go back and change it up to that, the aliteration sound better.
48216 Thanks! I figured that it would be a logical thing for Gilda to do - anyone who's had cats can tell you, give them 20 minutes, the house is theirs.
48354 Hadn't even thought of that....he could keep calling the same favor in, over and over again....mmmyess.....
48453
Ah, glad to hear there will be a special delivery on that premise.
As for cats? All cat's are a little crazy I think. I have one with the weird quirk of insisting on getting up on my shoulder immediately after having a shower, even if it requires balancing on a damp towel. Never have managed to figure out that one.
Spike is going to feel too guilty about his part in having the bakery catch fire and bringing Pinky to the point of madness. He won't repeatedly use that favor. Well, unless he really really had to. In an absolute emergency, or something he might.
48467 Yeah, I love crazy cats. I've got the best cat I've ever owned at the moment - my girlfriend has two kittens. Well, my cat, a fat old tomcat that hates these kittens, had made a pretty good assassianation attempt on them - Whenever my girlfriend puts food in their bowls, he comes over and lays down on them.
For hours.
Yeah, I don't think Spike will call that favor back in. But, when Pinkie returns, it could somehow come up....and she could wonder why he WASN'T about to call in the favor.....mmmmmmyyyysssesssss....
48216
Same :)
Wow. Gila's a real bitch, but I can't help loving her.
Nitpick inbound: Protein can't be found in precious gems; biological molecules have no means of existing in non-organic compounds, especially ones as static as rocks.
That's not saying you couldn't modify Spike's argument to one about specific vitamins and minerals...
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT
THE SONG! Oh my goodness! XD
P-Pinkie Pie... Oh dear. D:
That is one of the most meta musical numbers I've ever seen.
And good lord but Gilsa's "screw-you" hyperviolent attitude is hilarious.
oh mai gawd, got here from one of thorax's blogs, love it.
"It's not an apology to Dash about you getting angry when you got hit with prank after prank after prank at her party is it?" Really, while she said some things she perhaps should have, I always thought the party wasn't really Gilda's low point so much as something where both sides were at fault.
On the other hand, bullying Fluttershy in the middle of the street? That was all her.
That said, you write an amusing Gilda. Something about her tormenting Pinkie comes off as hilarious rather than cruel.
I died when she ROYALLY screwed with Pinkie at the end
Oh this chapter. Yep, I now remember why I favorited this quite clearly. Holds up even a second time.
This is one of the most hilariously evil things I have ever read. Bravo good sir!!
Funny and evil.
A rare combination