//------------------------------// // My Big Angry Griffon // Story: Gilda Versus Knitting // by PotatoJoe //------------------------------// Waking up, Gilda groaned. She’d slept randily, dreaming of Pegasi. That meant her wings would be sore for a few minutes - she tried to think of earth ponies to make sure they stayed nice and flaccid. She smacked her dry tongue in her mouth a few times as she blinked, the warmth of her covers still radiating outwards. She needed to poop. Getting up with a few popping joins she walked into the main cave, heading for the bathroom. She heard the scampering of paws and smelled the distant smell of baked goods. She predicted it down to a second. The Diamond Dogs smashed though the cavern, biting each other and arguing over nothing. Trixie emerged from her lair shouting and cursing everything that wasn’t herself. And Steven Magnet entered with eelgrass-covered scones. But for once, it didn’t get her down. As she hit the crapper she found herself in unusually high spirits. It was rather stupid - the only difference between today and any other day was that she was going to take a class. On knitting. Why did it put her in a good mood? Was she really that bored? Had her life become so rote that she could find heart-raising excitement in paw-crafting clothing? Unfortunately, it looked like it. As she washed her claws, she found herself humming softly. She walked back into the cavern, the song still sticking in her head. It was all too late she realized she’d started to sing a little and Steven Magnet had joined in. And because of the damned magic of Equestria, whenever two creatures sang at once, a Musical Number started. BACKUP SINGERS - My Big Angry Griffon, my Big Angry Griffon~ Ah ah ah ahhhhh~ GILDA - I never knew true misery~ BACKUP - My Big Angry Griffon! GILDA - Until you losers all moved in with me! DIAMOND DOGS - Why are we singing? GILDA - I don’t really know. TRIXIE - I thought only the main cast got songs in this show! STEVEN MAGNET - Villains living together is no easy feat! But my beautiful self makes it all complete! BACKUP - My Big Angry Griffon~ GILDA - I will kill every one of you if you mention this ever again. There was a short awkward silence as the inhabitants of the cavern looked around, Gilda’s threat hanging in the air. She put on a decidedly epic scowl to prove she meant it. “ So, how about those Wonderbolts?” asked Spot, looking up to Fido. The dogs began to argue in an instant as Trixie stormed off. Rolling her eyes, Gilda made her way to the fridge and rooted around, finally pulling out something she’d kept just in case she needed to forget a morning such as this. “ Hello, sixty-four ounce mini-keg.” she crooned, picking up the canister in her arms and cradling it. She licked the tab like she was preparing to french-kiss it. “ I need you inside me now.” ================ It was mid-afternoon when a very cold Gilda landed in the center on Ponyville, right next to the infamous tree library. Ruffling her feathers as she set down her bag of supplies, she held her forepaws up to her mouth and blew on her fingers. It had started to cool off surprisingly quick, which made her wonder if there had been some sort of accident with the cold front. The two pegasi she’d seen didn’t seem to be the most competent of weather controllers, but then Gilda was spoiled, having personally seen the work of - Frowning, she put that pony out of her mind and turned to the library. Gilda didn’t like libraries. They were not cool. They were as far as things got from cool. But, she’d taken a challenge - in foolish frustration, but she’d taken it - that she’d prove to that Rarity unicorn that she could do anything with her fingers a pony could do by mouth or magic. Gilda sighed, as it wasn’t actually a challenge by the unicorn. It was more of her personal tendency to pick fights. She had to prove she was better than unicorns and earth ponies, half because of her pegaphilia and half because of her pride of her species. It was re-affirming what she thought of herself, regardless of what others actually thought. But ponies-be-damned, she was right! Heartened and focused, she stormed into the library with the bag of supplies slung over her shoulder, ready to rip the head off of the first pony that giggled. Maybe literally. Inside the library it was blessedly warm. Several ponies were assembled in the meeting room - she recognized the big red draft from the Apple farm she occasionally bought booze from and that wonky mail-mare - and to her chagrin, the purple unicorn from the party she’d lost Dash at. “ Hello! Rarity told me you’d be by.” said the unicorn, greeting Gilda. Choosing to not return the greeting, Gilda took the pillow closest to the fireplace and sat down grumpily, her good mood from the morning gone. A orange earth mare fidgeted nervously next to her. A little of the good mood came back. “ Well, this should be everyone.” said the unicorn, taking a spot at the head of the room. Gilda raised an eyebrow - most ponies would say “everypony” just as griffons would say “everybirdy”, but the unicorn had used a species neutral term. She was making an effort to include Gilda, one which was almost appreciated. Almost. “ So, introductions. I’m Twilight Sparkle and I’ll be teaching the class. We’ll meet two more times, the same day on the next two weeks. This will be a pretty informal class - if you want a more structured activity, I would suggest my class on the study theoretics in applied learning, which meets - “ Gilda gagged. The big red draft shot her a glare. “ Well, I shouldn’t babble.” said Twilight Sparkle nervously. “ So, lets get started. Everyone get out your needles and your favorite color of yarn - we’ll just be using one color for now.” Twilight launched into a lecture on terms and techniques immediately, combining the worst traits of the teachers Gilda had hated as a cub into one lesson. It was long, had a lot of vocabulary terms, and she was obviously enthusiastic about teaching. There were additional problems that slowly began to creep up - her demonstrations showed how to use ones mouth or magic to hold the needles, leaving Gilda to try and figure out the correct way to use her paws. Gilda was pissed she hadn’t seen this coming. It wasn’t like she should have been surprised. It was a pony class. They taught pony techniques. True, Gilda had picked up a little - she now knew her warf from weft - but when the class began to try the basics, she was all claws. She got tangled in the yarn and dropped the needles, managed to tear the few loops she completed, and soon was growing very frustrated. In comparison, the big red draft had finished the first two exercises, a simple link bracelet and a small fabric square, and was now moving onto starting a scarf. The mail-mare was trying incorporating other colors. The carrot-colored mare was working on her third bracelet. Gilda was just about to throw the needles away when Twilight trotted over. “ Okay, so, looks like your having a little trouble.” said the unicorn in a gentle voice that just made Gilda want to punch her. “ So, um, lets stop - and see if we can save some of this yarn - “ Gilda scowled as the purple mess began to levitate and reball. “ Alright, so, I think the problem your having is trying to use your paws.” said Twilight, focusing as she finished re-winding the yarn. She even repaired the tears. “ Have you tried using your beak?” “ Won’t work.” muttered Gilda, stretching her neck a little. “ Well, um, lets see, we’ve got some other options.” said Twilight, focusing. “ You could...um...wait, uh....” “ I just need to figure out how to hold these stupid things.” muttered Gilda, trying to get Twilight to leave her alone. She was getting embarrassed as the others began to notice how much trouble she was having. “ It’s not like you can show me, so bug out.” Twilight blinked. “ Oh! I have an idea!” she said, face lighting up. She trotted to the hallway as Gilda sighed. She could feel her gall rising. “ Spike! Hey, Spike, get your tail down here!” Gilda paused. Spike. She’d heard of somepony called Spike from Rainbow Dash. Gilda hadn’t paid much attention, so she didn’t know anything about him. But it wasn’t like it was a solution, was it? Spike was still a pony. He didn’t know how fingers worked - unless maybe he’d known a griffon? That was stretching it. Gilda sighed, preparing for another letdown and cursing the bits she’d spent on this stupid idea. Then, to her surprise, a little dragon wearing a wool sweater with a diamond pattered entered, looking annoyed and sipping on steaming hot chocolate. “ What?” he asked, looking to Twilight. “ Uh, Spike, would you mind showing the griffon over there how you how you knit?” “ Eeesh, fine.” said Spike with a grumble, walking over to Gilda. “ Hey. Sup.” “ Sup.” said Gilda, eyeing the little lizard dubiously. “ So, not gonna lie, these are worthless.” said the lizard calmly, taking the pair of needles and tossing them away. Gilda sputtered. “ W-what?” said Gilda, jumping up. “ You little cretin, I’m gonna - “ “ Follow me to the living room, where theres enough space.” said the dragon, not intimidated as Gilda, claws bared and wings flared, towered over him. He fished a marshmallow out of his drink. “ Grab your stuff and move your tail.” As the little lizard walked out of the room, Gilda tried to kill him with pure hate. ============== “ Okay, so here’s how this is gonna go down.” said the little dragon, hopping onto an overstuffed armchair. He and Gilda were now in a separate room, one which, bizarrely, had a fireplace on each wall. It was like an oven in here. Besides his chair was a basket full of blankets. “ I’m gonna teach you how to knit with claws in exchange for a little service.” “.....don’t push your luck.” said Gilda, glaring at him. It was only the desire to not have wasted bits keeping him from being stuffed into his coco mug. “ See, I’m a simple dragon.” said Spike, putting down the mug on the side table. “ I have my friends, my gems, and Twilight, and thats usually enough. But a dragon has needs. And some needs ponies just can’t help a guy out with. And you seem like the kind of lady that can help.” He clacked the claws on one paw together. Gilda’s eyes narrowed. “ Now, I’d like to keep this our little secret.” Spike looked to the door nervously, slipping off his sweater. “ I’m not embarrassed, mind you. A growing dragon just has desires, desires looked down upon in Equestrian company.” “....let me get this straight.” said Gilda in monotone. “ You’re asking me to give you a pawjob in exchange for teaching me to knit?” The little dragon blushed so hard his nose smoked. “ A pawjob?!” he said in alarm, wincing as he realized how loud he’d been. He silenced for a moment, listening - but nopony seemed to have heard him. “ What kind of pervert are you? Ew, I don’t even want to think about that!” “....thats what it sounded like you were asking for.” said Gilda, relieved. She’d have had to kill the little cretin if he’d actually been asking for that, and that would not have gone well - she would be the only suspect in his death and she’d heard dragon blood stained feathers. “ No! I want you to make me a thing of meatloaf!” Gilda blinked. “....meatloaf.” “ Well, I can’t exactly ask Twilight to make some, can I?” said Spike defensively, crossing his arms. Gilda saw his point - ponies were very uncomfortable around carnivores as it was. “ Thats why this has to stay so secret. I already make some of the townsponies nervous because of my fire breath - imagine if they knew I was a meat eater? I’d be the little hungry monster that played with their foals - and every time somepony was missing, they’d come right to me and demand I cough them up, like I’d eat a pony!” “ Yeah, they taste awful.” said Gilda, rolling her eyes as the griffon granted. “....uh....how..do you know that?” asked Spike, looking very nervous. “ Nipped a pegasus a little too hard while wrestling once.” said Gilda with a growl. “ But thats none of your business. So, meatloaf. I’m the right kind of lady to make it, because I’m a lady. So I cook.” “ Yeah, now you get it.” “ .....letting that slide, do you have any meat?” “ Three pounds ground beef, sitting in a secret location.” said Spike, hopping out of his chair and walking over to where Gilda stood. “ And I’ve got a kitchen where we can make it in.” “....why don’t you do it yourself?” asked Gilda, looking at him quizzically. Spike gestured to a stepstool that was taller than he was. “ Ah, get it. So, you get dinner, then you teach me. That’s the deal?” “ Thats the deal.” said Spike, reaching out a paw. “ Fine.” grunted Gilda before spitting in her paw and shaking Spikes, making him flinch in disgust. =========== “ This was not part of the deal.” said Gilda, scowling as she ripped the party hat off of her head. “ Look, just bear with it.” said Spike, trying to shoo Pinkie Pie away from Gilda. “ Pinkie, come on. Don’t mess with her.” “ I’m just trying to lighten the mood!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing around the kitchen of her apartment, located above Sugarcube Corner. Gilda had protested greatly when she’d found out where they were to be making the meatloaf, but she’d shook and spat on it - griffons honor demanded she see it though. Even if it meant putting up with the pony she hated most in the world. Afterwards, she was gonna beat the crap out of that damned little dragon. “ Well, um, don’t.” said Spike gingerly. He motioned for Gilda to start. “ We’re kinda, um, making something....special.” “ Ooh! Is it an apology cake for Rainbow Dash?” Gilda felt a vein rupture in her eye. “....I guess not.” said Pinkie Pie, looking as Gilda flexed a talon at her menacingly. “ I’m going to start now. Don’t get within three wings of me or I’m tossing you into the oven and setting it to high.” said Gilda, her tone dripping with venom. She turned and set to work, getting out the pans and utensils. “ So, um, what kinda cake is it then?” asked Pinkie Pie, looking to Spike. “ Um, well, it’s more of a ... loaf.” “ Ooh, so it’s bread?” said Pinkie, looking focused. “ Okay, special bread. Let me think, what kind of - “ “ Um, Pinkie? You know that favor you owe me?” said Spike, sounding nervous. “ Not the one I called in to use your kitchen. You, um, know. The big one.” Pinkie Pie went rigid. “ Ooh.” she said, looking uncomfortable. “ Um, we aren’t going to discuss that in....front...of...” Gilda was listening closely out of malice. She wanted to hear every ounce of suffering in that ponies voice, even if only lasted moments.... “ We aren’t.” said Spike, and to Gilda’s disappointment Pinkie Pie relaxed. “ But I’m calling in the favor to get you to promise that you never, ever, never, ever, never, ever tell anypony what I’m having Gilda make.” “ Deal!” said Pinkie Pie, too eagerly. “ Um, wait. It’s not, like, meat. Is it?” “ You said deal! You promised!” said Spike in a panic. Pinkies eyes went wide. “ Come on! You promised, Pinkie! You go back, everypony finds out about the-” “ Nope!” said Pinkie, covering his mouth and looking to Gilda in terror. “ Nope, its okay, murder somepony in my kitchen, ha ha! Ha! I’ll just...I’ll just get the .... body....bags...” “ It’s ground beef.” said Gilda, holding up the package. “ Made from cow.” This did not seem to comfort Pinkie a bit. Gilda liked that. “ See, um, I kinda...need to eat meat.” said Spike awkwardly. “ Not very often, but, well, I do. I get most the proteins I need from rubies, but it’s like a pony not eating part of their diet. Its not healthy.” “...ooooohhh....” moaned Pinkie, shying backwards from Gilda. “ T-try not to get any blood on the stove! A-and just put all the stuff you use in a box! You can have it!” “ ‘kay.” said Gilda. She took the spoon she was using the mix the oats in and touched it to Pinkies microwave. “ Oops. You still want that?” “ NOPE.” Twenty minutes later, Gilda owned everything in Pinkies kitchen. =============== “ Well, here you go.” said Gilda, setting down the steaming pan of meatloaf in front of Spike. His eyes sparkled with excitement - nearby, Pinkie Pie’s eyes sparkled with tears as she hid behind her sofa. “ Ketchup?” “ Yes please!” said Spike, his excitement almost cute. For a moment as she fetched the sauce for him, she felt a mite motherly. She shushed that idea by imagining how much an egg would hurt coming out, a thought which usually put her off any maternal urge for a year or two. She gave him the bottle as Pinkie Pie began to whimper. “ Oh, man, look at this! It’s so greasy - oh, man, this is gonna be delicious!” He uncapped the ketchup and blasted the meatloaf with it, rendering it not unlike a fresh kill. Forgoing utensils he launched himself at the meal, biting in viciously and tearing the meatloaf apart with great fervor. It was actually kind of fascinating to watch, from a technical standpoint that only another predator could admire. Despite his small mouth he had surprisingly long fangs and could open it very wide, almost like a snake unhinging its jaw. He worked in quick, small bites - but that made sense, as a full grown dragon would have trouble finding meals that didn’t end that quickly. His claws were forgotten, digging into the table as braces to counter the snapping force of his jaw. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was vomiting so hard that Gilda expected to see blood. “ Geez.” she said, dodging a little projectile splatter and shielding herself with a cookie sheet. “ It’s just a little meat.” “ ITS MURDER!” cried Pinkie Pie before a fresh wave of half-digested cupcakes flowed from her. “ YOU MADE CUTE LITTLE SPIKY WIKEY INTO A MURDERER!” “ Hey, it was his idea.” said Gilda with a shrug. Pinkie Pie dry heaved, struggling to breath. “ So, Spike, you really think she’s going to keep her promise?” “ Um, yes.” said Spike, looking uneasy as he wiped splatter from his cheek. “ Um, Pinkie? So, here’s the plan. Tomorrow, come by the library and I’ll convince Twilight to cast a memory removal spell on you. You won’t remember, uh, anything.” Pinkie just sobbed. “ Hey, Spike, meet me out front.” said Gilda, pushing him towards the door. “ I’ve a little experience explaining this to ponies and it’s best if we do this alone.” “....alright, fine.” said Spike, looking uneasy. He turned and walked to the door, gave another look to the shivering Pinkie, and then left. “ Well, Pinkie Pie.” said Gilda, leaning over the earth mare, her tone vile and joyous. “ You’ve seen a bit tonight, haven’t you? Well guess what - it’ll get worse tonight. You’ll just dream about Spike, cutting you open and eating you. With ketchup. Maybe he’ll go after your friends too. Won’t that be a nightmare?” Pinkie looked to Gilda with watery, terrified eyes. “ But, you know, tomorrow when you get that memory spell, you won’t remember a thing, will you?” said Gilda, elbowing Pinkie in the rib. “ And that little monster will be walking around town. Playing with foals. Probably coming into your very home and talking with you like nothing ever happened. Just like he’s been doing for ages, right?” Pinkie Pie’s face lit up in a wordless shriek. “ See ya, loser!” cackled Gilda, racing off for the door. She grabbed the microwave and saw herself out. ========== An hour later, as Gilda took to what was to be a long flight with a heavy load, fresh from a tutoring session with Spike, she spared a glance to Sugarcube Corner. The building was burning as the shocked proprietors looked on and several royal guards hauled a pink earth mare away in a straight jacket. Her good mood from this morning returned a hundredfold. “ My big angry griffon~” she hummed, fluttering off into the crisp night.