I'm a dude who likes cute fluffy silly fanfics. I also write fluffy fanfics.
Shipping 💖11,675 stories ·9,744 members
Pony Warfare1,532 stories ·2,304 members
Cutie Mark Crusaders4,489 stories ·1,748 members
Slice of Life8,162 stories ·1,463 members
Comedy4,739 stories ·1,292 members
Scootaloo3,263 stories ·2,571 members
Short Stories5,074 stories ·548 members
This story is a sequel to Celestia and Luna's spoopy bet
Making one last heroic last stand in front of Scootaloo's house, the CMC and Rumble fight off a corrupted Twilight Sparkle from laying waste to Ponyville.
The awesome cover art is by http://crponies.deviantart.com/
He does some sweet art so check him out!
Page generated in 0.076 seconds
Total duration
610 users online
1,178,704 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
you know how there are Crack fics these are more like Speed-fics I read a paragraph and had to stop and comprehend what ive read cause it goes by so fast. its just point to point then done.
Unfortunately not the best way to right a story.
7742610
I meant for it to have a fast pace, it was a snowball fight after all.
But thanks for the criticism, was there something you liked or disliked in particular?
Since you reviewed my story, I'll do the same.
All in all, the story was rushed. You tried to fit in comedy and romance all in 1k words, something that you didn't really quite accomplish. The story didn't read like a comedy, nor did it read like a romance fic, so I was left feeling a little cheated. I suggest removing the Random, Comedy, and Romance tags due to this reason. Slice of Life is perfect for this little oneshot. While there might be a couple of funny moments in the story, that doesn't mean you can slap on the Comedy tag; same with the Romance tag. Don't ever use the Random tag, as people avoid stories that use that like the plague.
There was a lot of telling, misspellings, and an incomplete sentence or two. In the beginning, you just tell us that Twilight is evil, and then move on to the next sentence without really explaining why she was evil. I highly suggest that you read up on the writing guide here on fimfiction, found here: http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue, as this little part would help your writing out in a significant way.
Also, finding a cover art would help your story get a lot more views, as I've found that people will just ignore stories without art. So long as you ask and/or give credit to whoever's art you use, you can use whatever you want.
As for your description, you tell us the entire story, so what would make a reader want to read it? You have to bait the reader; catch their eye to make them want to read the story, you know?
I'll help you out with the first paragraph.
Unless it's in dialogue, never abbreviate anything. Instead of where, you should use were.
This is an incomplete sentence.
In the first half of this sentence, you wrote in past tense, which is what you should be writing in, but then you switch to the present tense in the second half of the sentence. Never do that. Ever. You also did not capitalize the P in Ponyville. Locations always have the first letter of their name capitalized.
So with that in mind, your first paragraph should look something like this, and feel free to use it.
7746574
Thank you for the review and your criticism. Thank you, I will use your first paragraph.
Might I ask, was there any particular part or area of the story that you liked or disliked the most?
7746701 Nothing really stood out to me in either regard.
7746733
One last question, was your overall experience with the fiction: positive, negative or, neutral?
Alright, this was pretty darn cute, and you got a chuckle out of me when Luna and Celly showed up and pelted Twilight, but I really wished you had taken the time to flesh this out. The POV was all over the place and as a result we got absolutely zero insight on anyone's emotions. Which sucks because this should have been a big emotional moment for Scoots and Rumble.
The two things that really drove me nuts are:
1. You capitalized words after dialogue.
This is all one sentence. The exclamation mark shows us that she is shouting, it doesn't end the sentence. So *shouted* should be lowercase. If the sentence would have been: *"Incoming!" The four foals covered their heads as another wave of snowballs pelted their position.*, then that would be two separate sentences and *The* should be capitalized. I hope this makes sense to you.
2. You use the word *there* a lot, and it is wrong about 90% of the time. This is exceptionally frustrating to me because all you have to do is slow down and read over it again to catch these type of mistakes.
So, overall I found it cute, but wished it was longer. I'll now give it a like for effort, and move on to other things. Happy reading/writing!
7753835 Thank you for the criticism.
I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it.
I will edit it a bit to fix the issues you addressed.
7753868
One other thing I forgot to mention. I agree with The Abyss, you need cover art. Even something as simple as a pic of some snowballs. Anything to make it stand out. It really does help readers find you.
7753880
I will try to find some, but the search is not going well right now.
Words cannot explain how much i love this!
7754894
Aww thanks!