Oh come on really!? Rarity should have gotten mad back at her for at least a moment for hogging all the sex spellbooks to herself! Wasn't that Rarity's justification for this in the first place? If Twilight had been nice enough to help her friends with their heat issues, none of this would have happened!
there's a sentence near the end with a couple of mistakes.
“Uh… traditionally, you would want a larger audience. Um, it would probably be better if there was someone there you trusted to look out for your saftey. Not that you'd need it, really,”
There's of course the word safety misspelled and it's ended with a comma.
Other than those typo's I didn't spot anything, and I'd like to say it's quite well written.
As for the comma — I think it's actually correct here since the full sentence would read: “Not that you need it, really, but just in case”. Breaking it up with “she hastily added” makes it read more like two sentences but I don't think it is, strictly speaking. I'm not sure, so I'm going to leave it as-is for now.
I'm just a bit sleep deprived and muddling up the punctuation rules with old version of my native language (I've been reading a few old books lately). There speech breaks are implying a comma if no other punctuation is used.
I'm not sure what to say about this chapter, so I'll try to explain my thoughts on this succinctly.
Twilight felt oddly out of character, manipulating Rarity like that. I highly doubt that she'd take her anger out on her friend, too, and the way you set up the story for the next chapter could have been done better. I think that you could have done something like Twilight feels depressed that her work had all gone to waste because she had to come home, and Rarity feels like she should do something to make up for it. Twilight makes a joke saying something like the only way she can even begin to repair the damage was to sleep with the guy, and in her sex-crazed mind, Rarity offers to go in her stead since she didn't get to orgasm just then. Also, part of me wonders why Twilight didn't just tell Starlight how to do the spell herself, or even tell Rarity how to do the spell herself through the form of a letter explaining the steps of the spell.
The story was going well up to this point, so I'll stick around to see how it ends.
For what it's worth, I figure Twilight didn't know what was going on until she got back, and Starlight explained things in person. She came back because she knew the alarms had gone off — nothing more. By the time Starlight knew what was going on, Twilight was already due on the next morning's train, so contacting her didn't seem worth it. I sort-of covered that in the previous chapter, maybe not clearly enough.
I also didn't think Twilight was deliberately manipulating Rarity, though re-reading it I can see how I might have given that impression. I maybe didn't stress enough that Twilight has been working herself ragged over these trade negotiations, and the prince Taurox has been completely insufferable.
Something for me to bear in mind for next time, I guess.
She had known Cheerilee for years, but had never gotten to know her very well. For all Rarity knew, the schoolteacher could be a secret dominatrix with a dungeon full of kinky toys.
Once safely within her home, she bolted the door and closed all the curtains, turning her boutique into her sanctuary for the night, away from prying eyes.
Lucky for Rarity that Sweetie Belle isn't here today?
I would gladly sleep with a hundred stallions!”. Off Twilight's expression, she added: “Or, well, maybe a dozen. Twenty, at most”.
Same kind of punctuation-in-quote marks I mentioned last chapter. Also, Rare, you talking all at once here, or one at a time?
Very nice.
And I see this is still incomplete? Do I dare believe this is not the end of Rarity and her delightful belt?
7833072 One more chapter planned.
Oh come on really!? Rarity should have gotten mad back at her for at least a moment for hogging all the sex spellbooks to herself! Wasn't that Rarity's justification for this in the first place? If Twilight had been nice enough to help her friends with their heat issues, none of this would have happened!
there's a sentence near the end with a couple of mistakes.
“Uh… traditionally, you would want a larger audience. Um, it would probably be better if there was someone there you trusted to look out for your saftey. Not that you'd need it, really,”
There's of course the word safety misspelled and it's ended with a comma.
Other than those typo's I didn't spot anything, and I'd like to say it's quite well written.
7835298 Corrected the spelling mistake, thanks.
As for the comma — I think it's actually correct here since the full sentence would read: “Not that you need it, really, but just in case”. Breaking it up with “she hastily added” makes it read more like two sentences but I don't think it is, strictly speaking. I'm not sure, so I'm going to leave it as-is for now.
7835384
Yeah you're right about that, sorry.
I'm just a bit sleep deprived and muddling up the punctuation rules with old version of my native language (I've been reading a few old books lately).
There speech breaks are implying a comma if no other punctuation is used.
Anyway, have a great 2017.
I'm not sure what to say about this chapter, so I'll try to explain my thoughts on this succinctly.
Twilight felt oddly out of character, manipulating Rarity like that. I highly doubt that she'd take her anger out on her friend, too, and the way you set up the story for the next chapter could have been done better. I think that you could have done something like Twilight feels depressed that her work had all gone to waste because she had to come home, and Rarity feels like she should do something to make up for it. Twilight makes a joke saying something like the only way she can even begin to repair the damage was to sleep with the guy, and in her sex-crazed mind, Rarity offers to go in her stead since she didn't get to orgasm just then. Also, part of me wonders why Twilight didn't just tell Starlight how to do the spell herself, or even tell Rarity how to do the spell herself through the form of a letter explaining the steps of the spell.
The story was going well up to this point, so I'll stick around to see how it ends.
Not gonna lie, I kinda want that belt now.
You know, for research.
7835973 Thanks for the feedback.
For what it's worth, I figure Twilight didn't know what was going on until she got back, and Starlight explained things in person. She came back because she knew the alarms had gone off — nothing more. By the time Starlight knew what was going on, Twilight was already due on the next morning's train, so contacting her didn't seem worth it. I sort-of covered that in the previous chapter, maybe not clearly enough.
I also didn't think Twilight was deliberately manipulating Rarity, though re-reading it I can see how I might have given that impression. I maybe didn't stress enough that Twilight has been working herself ragged over these trade negotiations, and the prince Taurox has been completely insufferable.
Something for me to bear in mind for next time, I guess.
Will we ever know... *looks at the author*
7836548
For science! What else?
Nice chapter!
I like where this is going...
Maybe Rarity later asks Twilight to get her a belt like this, but with emergency-switch.
Maybe you should have a look at the chapter-title:
(Or was this intentionally?)
7837771 Chapter title fixed, thanks.
Very nice! I thought it'd be over but it brought another part which came as a pleasant surprise
Lucky for Rarity that Sweetie Belle isn't here today?
Same kind of punctuation-in-quote marks I mentioned last chapter. Also, Rare, you talking all at once here, or one at a time?
7951705 Sweetie's probably staying with her parents right now.
7836548
Some hot kinky stuff those chastity belts. Just avoid the permanent locks and such. Or don't. I won't judge.