Approaching the only cart left outside the store (which did look like hers), Applejack carefully lifted the blanket, then more quickly flung it aside, to reveal a mail-sack, which appeared to be full of parcels.
At the latest this is the moment where the story got hilarious. (Just realized: This sentence doesn't make much sense outside context...)
7698984 Okay. I will try to get through the whole thing but here comes the first bit (including comma suggestions, so this will seem longer than it really is).
was happening to her; If word got out, she would
was happening to her; if word got out, she would
her breathing to slow, before turning to check
her breathing to slow before turning to check
He main concern
Her main concern
Lifting her skirt, she lifted a
Overuse of "lift," consider something else
her saddlebags, and began to inspect the still-wet metal plate, wiping
Lots of commas in this one her saddlebags and began to inspect the still-wet metal plate and wipe herself down
The dress, it seemed, had avoided staining, thanks to being lifted by her tail, which still strained against the ribbons holding it down, forming an arch behind her.
The dress it seemed, had avoided staining thanks to being lifted by her tail, which still strained against the ribbons holding it down—forming an arch behind her.
seeing nopony, but the faint
seeing nopony. The faint
Rainbow, “gee Rarity
Rainbow. “Gee Rarity
Rainbow's grin became more lopsided.
“Maaaybe not right now…” she smirked “… but I'm sure I'll think of something.”
These could be smooshed together into one paragraph, then tagging it with "she" would make a little more sense.
smirked “… but I'm sure
smirked “but I'm sure
The cloud beneath her burst, as Rainbow suddenly found herself dragged down to ground level. She could break away, of course, but the look in Rarity's eyes froze her in place.
And again, we are still on the same actor and the previous paragraph could support this without issue.
to the ground, and stormed off.
to the ground and stormed off. And again, this paragraph could be merged with the previous since Rarity is the main actor in both.
Merge with previous paragraph, since that is all Dash acting.
Pinkie, “Not super-grumpy!
Pinkie. “Not super-grumpy!
grinned “… helping you
grinned, “helping you
Having realised that obtaining the tools she needed in Ponyville would prove difficult, Rarity opted to seek out a good friend who would most certainly posses suitable equipment, and know how to use it. Taking the back-alleys and quite roads as far as possible, she headed for Sweet Apple Acres…
This sentence jumps out of nowhere and is complete exposition where it is. You could move it up to the previous "Rarity and Dash" block of story or omit it completely.
Going to have to pause there, time to do some writing myself.
7699154 Thanks for offering so many pointers. I've fixed the ones I definitely agreed with, there were a couple I definitely disagreed with, most I will have to read up on and think about.
7700476 I highly suggest Grammarbook for punctuation info especially. An important thing to remember with commas is that how they work within and outside of quotes is different. Inside quotes they denote a pause, and can be used with abandon. Outside quotes there are specific reasons to have them that has nothing to do with potential timing and pauses.
There were a few places where punctuation around quotes was wrong, but nothing terrible. In the end, I suggest exploring and pushing punctuation, it can be an art all by itself in writing and can dictate how a paragraph flows or even make you want to rewrite it.
I wonder why I didn't get a notification that this story updated...
Anyways, still another good chapter, though I would recommend adding more details to each scene. Sometimes it feels as if you're leaving out some important details.
oh my goddesses, that part with big mac listening at the barn had me in stitches. I actually had to cover my mouth because i was laughing so hard and its rather late. Just for that you get a like
Fluttershy's magazine?
You are going to need to add a comedy tag to this, I couldn't stop laughing most of this chapter. Very nice work.
A bit heavy on commas (but that is hardly an uncommon thing) I only saw one or two outright mistakes. Good work!
Ugh, Rainbow Dash really?
Yay, feed the Rarishy ship!
Poor Rares really can't catch a break here, can she. And Rainbow, as usual, is going to be a dick.
At the latest this is the moment where the story got hilarious.
(Just realized: This sentence doesn't make much sense outside context...)
Can't wait to see what will happen next!
7694087 I'm happy to fix mistakes, if you point them out.
7698984 Okay. I will try to get through the whole thing but here comes the first bit (including comma suggestions, so this will seem longer than it really is).
was happening to her; if word got out, she would
her breathing to slow before turning to check
Her main concern
Overuse of "lift," consider something else
Lots of commas in this one
her saddlebags and began to inspect the still-wet metal plate and wipe herself down
The dress it seemed, had avoided staining thanks to being lifted by her tail, which still strained against the ribbons holding it down—forming an arch behind her.
seeing nopony. The faint
Rainbow. “Gee Rarity
These could be smooshed together into one paragraph, then tagging it with "she" would make a little more sense.
smirked “but I'm sure
And again, we are still on the same actor and the previous paragraph could support this without issue.
to the ground and stormed off.
And again, this paragraph could be merged with the previous since Rarity is the main actor in both.
goo.gl/nh2rFX
to her hooves and dusted herself
Should all be compacted down into one paragraph.
I mean sure they had all ditched
Merge with previous paragraph, since that is all Dash acting.
Pinkie. “Not super-grumpy!
grinned, “helping you
This sentence jumps out of nowhere and is complete exposition where it is. You could move it up to the previous "Rarity and Dash" block of story or omit it completely.
Going to have to pause there, time to do some writing myself.
7699154 Thanks for offering so many pointers. I've fixed the ones I definitely agreed with, there were a couple I definitely disagreed with, most I will have to read up on and think about.
7700476 I highly suggest Grammarbook for punctuation info especially. An important thing to remember with commas is that how they work within and outside of quotes is different. Inside quotes they denote a pause, and can be used with abandon. Outside quotes there are specific reasons to have them that has nothing to do with potential timing and pauses.
There were a few places where punctuation around quotes was wrong, but nothing terrible. In the end, I suggest exploring and pushing punctuation, it can be an art all by itself in writing and can dictate how a paragraph flows or even make you want to rewrite it.
I look forward to the next chapter.
I wonder why I didn't get a notification that this story updated...
Anyways, still another good chapter, though I would recommend adding more details to each scene. Sometimes it feels as if you're leaving out some important details.
to *do, and a comma after grinned.
Period, not semicolon.
comma, not period.
7951671 Fixed, thanks. I'm not sure about the semicolon, though; It seems OK to me.
oh my goddesses, that part with big mac listening at the barn had me in stitches. I actually had to cover my mouth because i was laughing so hard and its rather late. Just for that you get a like
It seems like Starlight might be okay with that idea considering that this happened.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/0/04/Starlight_gives_orders_to_the_main_five_S6E21.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20160925132046