SquiggelSquirrel
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This is a really cool concept, I look forward to reading this tonight...
oh ho, I see someone has hit a creative g-spot.
I'm all over this one.
Very nice start! Can't wait for more.
I love how you guys picked Rarity as the pony to be trapped in this device. Rarity is a pretty pony, and will naturally catch a lot of ponies' eyes.
I wonder if any of Rarity's submissive feelings are a byproduct of more than just wearing the belt. One never knows if an artefact has more than one enchantment on it.
I swear... I saw someone post such an idea somewhere just a while ago, and thought to myself, 'Wow, that sounds hot...' And BAM! Suddenly, it's out?! Thank you so much!
7684919
Possibly you saw:
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/12/clopfics/thread/282272/clopfic-idea-exhibitionism-chastity-belt-vibrator
because as the description days, Bronyb3n did indeed end up commissioning me to write it.
My only question is how deep the butt plug goes?
Will you be adding more to this story? And if so, when might we expect the continuation?
7689734 Hopefully some time this week.
Fluttershy's magazine?
You are going to need to add a comedy tag to this, I couldn't stop laughing most of this chapter. Very nice work.
A bit heavy on commas (but that is hardly an uncommon thing) I only saw one or two outright mistakes. Good work!
Ugh, Rainbow Dash really?
Yay, feed the Rarishy ship!
Poor Rares really can't catch a break here, can she. And Rainbow, as usual, is going to be a dick.
At the latest this is the moment where the story got hilarious.
(Just realized: This sentence doesn't make much sense outside context...)
Can't wait to see what will happen next!
7694087 I'm happy to fix mistakes, if you point them out.
7698984 Okay. I will try to get through the whole thing but here comes the first bit (including comma suggestions, so this will seem longer than it really is).
was happening to her; if word got out, she would
her breathing to slow before turning to check
Her main concern
Overuse of "lift," consider something else
Lots of commas in this one
her saddlebags and began to inspect the still-wet metal plate and wipe herself down
The dress it seemed, had avoided staining thanks to being lifted by her tail, which still strained against the ribbons holding it down—forming an arch behind her.
seeing nopony. The faint
Rainbow. “Gee Rarity
These could be smooshed together into one paragraph, then tagging it with "she" would make a little more sense.
smirked “but I'm sure
And again, we are still on the same actor and the previous paragraph could support this without issue.
to the ground and stormed off.
And again, this paragraph could be merged with the previous since Rarity is the main actor in both.
goo.gl/nh2rFX
to her hooves and dusted herself
Should all be compacted down into one paragraph.
I mean sure they had all ditched
Merge with previous paragraph, since that is all Dash acting.
Pinkie. “Not super-grumpy!
grinned, “helping you
This sentence jumps out of nowhere and is complete exposition where it is. You could move it up to the previous "Rarity and Dash" block of story or omit it completely.
Going to have to pause there, time to do some writing myself.
7699154 Thanks for offering so many pointers. I've fixed the ones I definitely agreed with, there were a couple I definitely disagreed with, most I will have to read up on and think about.
7700476 I highly suggest Grammarbook for punctuation info especially. An important thing to remember with commas is that how they work within and outside of quotes is different. Inside quotes they denote a pause, and can be used with abandon. Outside quotes there are specific reasons to have them that has nothing to do with potential timing and pauses.
There were a few places where punctuation around quotes was wrong, but nothing terrible. In the end, I suggest exploring and pushing punctuation, it can be an art all by itself in writing and can dictate how a paragraph flows or even make you want to rewrite it.
I look forward to the next chapter.
I wonder why I didn't get a notification that this story updated...
Anyways, still another good chapter, though I would recommend adding more details to each scene. Sometimes it feels as if you're leaving out some important details.
The moment I realised this will be good.
Awww... God for her, bad for us.
In other words, this is merely the beginning. Right?
Why do I get the feeling Twilight might just bring out her domme side and deliver some 'funishment' to poor Rarity.
lh4.ggpht.com/_DYAusz8Hwxg/S6CkHundBII/AAAAAAAABOI/noFBktu21zs/sign15.jpg
Please write more! I needs to know what happens next!
Yes the plural there was intentional.
Very nice.
And I see this is still incomplete? Do I dare believe this is not the end of Rarity and her delightful belt?
7833072 One more chapter planned.
Oh come on really!? Rarity should have gotten mad back at her for at least a moment for hogging all the sex spellbooks to herself! Wasn't that Rarity's justification for this in the first place? If Twilight had been nice enough to help her friends with their heat issues, none of this would have happened!
there's a sentence near the end with a couple of mistakes.
“Uh… traditionally, you would want a larger audience. Um, it would probably be better if there was someone there you trusted to look out for your saftey. Not that you'd need it, really,”
There's of course the word safety misspelled and it's ended with a comma.
Other than those typo's I didn't spot anything, and I'd like to say it's quite well written.
7835298 Corrected the spelling mistake, thanks.
As for the comma — I think it's actually correct here since the full sentence would read: “Not that you need it, really, but just in case”. Breaking it up with “she hastily added” makes it read more like two sentences but I don't think it is, strictly speaking. I'm not sure, so I'm going to leave it as-is for now.
7835384
Yeah you're right about that, sorry.
I'm just a bit sleep deprived and muddling up the punctuation rules with old version of my native language (I've been reading a few old books lately).
There speech breaks are implying a comma if no other punctuation is used.
Anyway, have a great 2017.
I'm not sure what to say about this chapter, so I'll try to explain my thoughts on this succinctly.
Twilight felt oddly out of character, manipulating Rarity like that. I highly doubt that she'd take her anger out on her friend, too, and the way you set up the story for the next chapter could have been done better. I think that you could have done something like Twilight feels depressed that her work had all gone to waste because she had to come home, and Rarity feels like she should do something to make up for it. Twilight makes a joke saying something like the only way she can even begin to repair the damage was to sleep with the guy, and in her sex-crazed mind, Rarity offers to go in her stead since she didn't get to orgasm just then. Also, part of me wonders why Twilight didn't just tell Starlight how to do the spell herself, or even tell Rarity how to do the spell herself through the form of a letter explaining the steps of the spell.
The story was going well up to this point, so I'll stick around to see how it ends.
Not gonna lie, I kinda want that belt now.
You know, for research.
7835973 Thanks for the feedback.
For what it's worth, I figure Twilight didn't know what was going on until she got back, and Starlight explained things in person. She came back because she knew the alarms had gone off — nothing more. By the time Starlight knew what was going on, Twilight was already due on the next morning's train, so contacting her didn't seem worth it. I sort-of covered that in the previous chapter, maybe not clearly enough.
I also didn't think Twilight was deliberately manipulating Rarity, though re-reading it I can see how I might have given that impression. I maybe didn't stress enough that Twilight has been working herself ragged over these trade negotiations, and the prince Taurox has been completely insufferable.
Something for me to bear in mind for next time, I guess.
Will we ever know... *looks at the author*
7836548
For science! What else?
Nice chapter!
I like where this is going...
Maybe Rarity later asks Twilight to get her a belt like this, but with emergency-switch.
Maybe you should have a look at the chapter-title:
(Or was this intentionally?)
7837771 Chapter title fixed, thanks.
Very nice! I thought it'd be over but it brought another part which came as a pleasant surprise
Delightful, but the punctuation needs a little work. You seem to be (like me) coming from a British English background, and are confusing it and US English together.
If you are using British English, you should be using single-quotes, commas and periods outside of quotes:
'And', Starlight added, 'this could prove to be an historical event of great significance'.
For US English:
“And,” Starlight added, “this could prove to be an historical event of great significance."
~~~~~+++++~~~~~
Apart from that, the only serious error I found was:
Missing the comma after "darling"
~~~~~+++++~~~~~
I eagerly look forward to what will be coming from your keyboard next, bravo.
Meanwhile at the bathroom where Rainbow and Fluttershy are taking their time......
Now dance for a different prince.
He's going to bite himself in the butt for scaring you off. Unless he starts nibbling on yours.
Bronyb3n made the picture, right?
I loved it. I loved all of it. This was truly a fantastic story, and I love how the shipping at the end was only implied.
This story was so great that I'm putting it in my special folder. It took me THERE...
7940980 No, that's one of mine.
I promise you: There are some things you better don't know. Yet.
Nice story.
Well done.
I'm just wondering why Spike didn't want to come along...
7940614 I've fixed that error, thanks for pointing that out.
With regards to the different styles/rules, are there any resources you could point me to so that I could research this myself? To be honest if we're getting into an area where there are many different standards and a lack of consensus, I'm not too worried about following one set of arbitrary rules over another. Maybe if I could read some of the arguments for/against a particular style, I'd change my mind.
7942777 I imagine the girls didn't tell him what was going on.
7942820
: "And here everyone is wondering why I always feel "left out"... I mean, I had been the ruler of dragonkind! (For a short time.)"
No, it was probably better he stayed home and read his comics.
7942818 If you are just after the US rules for punctuation, I highly recommend Grammar Book. But for the differences in rules between US and British standards, see The Punctuation Guide.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the British style, it is the standard here in Australia after all, but I have found that for a mainly international audience, the US punctuation/grammar styles are the best.
to *do, and a comma after grinned.
Period, not semicolon.
comma, not period.
... Why doesn't Rarity just write to Luna and/or Celestia?
And this one looks to be both!
period should be inside the quote marks. And repeated a few other times this chapter, too.
Delete the comma. And yes it is, Starlight. Congrats on your first(?) lesson about friendship-with-benefits!
Lucky for Rarity that Sweetie Belle isn't here today?
Same kind of punctuation-in-quote marks I mentioned last chapter. Also, Rare, you talking all at once here, or one at a time?
That seems ... eminently sensible.
a little?
*there