Author's Note, added 17/3/2013: Do NOT read this, it is crap. Unless you want an example of how NOT to write stories, complete with a Gary Stu for good measure, then go right ahead!
When the Mane 6 set out their picnic that beautiful summer’s day, they had no idea it would be interrupted by a stallion crashing headfirst into it from the sky above. Or that this stallion would be an alicorn. Or be quite so handsome. Or have no cutie mark whatsoever, despite being fully grown.
This is all well and good, but why is he here? Why, despite his apparent perfection, do the six friends begin to feel more and more uneasy around him? And are his reasons for spending so much time around them all purely innocent?
Chapters (1)
From the desc it seems kinda....Gary/Mary Stu-ish.
The description made him sound very Gary Stu like. So I gave it a read over. About half the page in and he pulls off a sonic rainboom.
Really?
And they all fell for him immediately. This "story," if I can deign to call it that, reeks of wish fulfillment.
If you still want to keep writing this, I recommend and complete and totally remake. After a complete and total reevaluation of this alicorn character.
And a few other things.
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110628233344/icarly/images/2/29/THIS.gif
And from your description, your character is WAS Gary Stuish, just saying.
Please take this test. The test consists of several categories of traits an OC exhibits.
I'm afraid i have to agree with the others.... i smell a gary stu....
Okie dokies, you all make the (very valid) point of saying it sounds very Gary Stu. With this in mind, I was considering writing something in the description, and seeing the feedback so far I may just go do that. Please trust me, this is intentional, but will only go so far.
He is meant to seem a bit "too" perfect, and this will begin to play a part as the story proceeds. Just give me a chance, and I will attempt to alleviate some of your doubts.
As to Jonny5300394's comment (don't know how to actually reply to that properly yet, I'll go find out), I was kind of going for a reversal of the "guy/guys see hot chick, jaw drops to floor" type of image. They are yet to actually fall for him, if that happens at all.
814147 Woot! Figured out replying! Okay, onto business:
In actual fact, I had been playing around with a few ideas in my head for a while, which could make it darker and (hopefully) better. Although, in all honesty, it wasn't initially going to be, as you may have feared, a "Gary Stu does awesome stuff and everypony falls for him", upon reading your advice I think I shall alter some fairly major aspects of the story. With any luck this new direction will impress you more. Hopefully.
You know... if you leave the story at THIS, and remove any reference to the character being a self-insert, and clean up the end with perhaps some tension between the main characters... this is kinda funny, it's a good first three-quarters of a one-shot. It's an obvious one and a facepalmer, but maybe you could have this dude be interested in Big Mac, to the chagrin of the Main Six.
An upvote for ya because I liked the way it headed to an obvious comedic conflict at the end!
2275913 Hmm, maybe... (If only there was some sort of "thinking" emote, it would go perfectly here!
)
To be perfectly honest, despite my protestations in previous comments, this really was heading towards a pretty Gary Stu-type story, I was just in denial at the time.
Interestingly enough, I have actually considered reusing the bulk of this chapter, without changing all that much (even the Gary Stu-ness), in another story. But here's the thing: this time the girls' inexplicable desire for him would have a much darker cause, and he's actually not who he appears to be at all, but some type of evil monster come to...eat their souls, or something? I dunno about that yet, but Spike would play a large role, would maybe even be the protagonist, as he tries to save them from this thing.
Whilst it would probably be a long one-shot, it is still rather on the back burner for the moment. If I do get round to doing it, I'll try and remember to let you know!
And I apologise for the experience of reading the first piece of drivel I posted up here, you have more guts than I do.
2276248
It's always easier to see your errors when you've let something sit for a while, so no surprise that you'd change your mind on that. I know stuff I set aside for a month or so looks awful to me when I come back around to it.
Sounds like you have some interesting ideas about how to use this concept, there's some danger and an interesting role for Spike in there if you can develop it.
And dude, this really wasn't bad. Keep in mind I read it without really going over your description, so my opinion is just based on the chapter itself. I saw humor, some intentionally obvious foreshadowing, and in general thought it was quite readable and decent. Being critical is good when you can be objective, but don't be TOO hard on yourself and overlook what you're doing right (or at least not wrong!)
2276672 I suppose so, the writing of it is at least decent enough. I think.
The writing structure and grammar aren't too bad, though the OC is clearly the same overpowered mistake a lot of first-time writers would make. Which is a given seeing as this is such an old project that I'm probably beating a dead horse just commenting on it.
But...
And this is just me throwing out a 1 AM idea, this would be great groundwork for a parody/deconstruction of overpowered OC's in fanfictions.
6727274 I do have an idea for something which could come from this, a play on the whole idea like you suggest, although my current plan (such as it is) has a bit more of a serious and scary tilt to it. Very much not-even-on-the-back-burner-but-in-the-freezer kind of thing for now, though.
Thanks for commenting your thoughts.