she could change the future, all she had to do was give up her past, and all of her friends, could she do it....
He Checked the mirror again to make sure that his mane was straight and looked nice.
"Your just going out for lunch to meet Twilight, Latey, you don't have to look perfect," Pinkie Pie said.
"Yea I know, but Ma always told me that first impressions mean everything, and I don't want to look like I just came out of the fields," Latenighter said as he walked out of his room, and joined Pinkie pie in the walk to town to meet the unicorn known as Twilight Sparkle.
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Hmmm... I'm interested to see where this goes.
That said, I feel that Late left a bit too quickly. I feel there should've been a bit more build up to it. Nothing that made the story bad for me mind you. I just wanted to bring it up.
Also,
I had to reread that a few times as I thought a pony named Fury was there. I feel it should read, "Latenighter shook with fury as a giggle escaped him."
That said, this is decent. I feel it might've worked a bit better as a one shot, but I'll wait to judge after the story's done.
Until then, solid job! Keep it up, Late! You're getting better and better.
7513117 I did not see the Fury in there, lol. I tried so hard not to write Fury instead of Latenighter too. And your question will be answered in the next chapter, I promise, or at least I hope it will, or will Fury Flight come back and haunt me in this story.................
I'd been meaning to finish this, yet I kept getting caught up in other things. Anyways, I've now finished it... and...
I'll be brutally honest: I liked it, and I didn't like it. Allow me to list what I liked first.
First, and definitely foremost, I really liked the moments between Latenighter and Princess Luna. They were cute and even heartwarming. It's what I feel worked in The Story of Latenighter. I felt really personal. I'll get to this more in a little bit.
I'll also give you credit for the scene with Ma. That was pretty decent.
I also feel you got the characters personalities mostly right. I'll admit though, I've never been a fan of Pinkie constantly breaking the fourth wall… even if that's her schtick. Oh well, I can't fault writers for doing that.
I'll also give you credit for having a pretty humorous ending. Despite what I just said, I found that funny. You also didn't do a bad job with Pinkie’s other fourth wall breaking moments.
Now, onto what I didn't care for. Please note: I'm going to be as blunt as possible, but I don't mean any harm.
First up, remember what I said about how the moments between Luna and Latenighter felt personal? Well, I feel that—outside of those moments—the story lost a lot of emotional impact. I feel you missed the opportunity to have the story be like the aforementioned “Story of Latenighter”, but with him and Twilight having a discussion over writing, storytelling, etc.
My second issue is the pacing. This is more for the beginning than anything else.
I feel that Latenighter’s reasoning for leaving the restaurant—while not bad—was rushed. When I first commented, I said there should've been more build up, and I stand by that.
While I'm at it, I wasn't fond of the issue he had with Rainbow Dash. It's more a case of “show, don't tell”. Especially since it's never resolved.
I could go ahead and nitpick at other things, but I'll summarize my feelings on the story now: it's not bad but any means, but it's not the best. There are grammatical errors, pacing issues, and—to be honest—i think this would've worked better as a one shot with only Latenighter and Twilight.
But, I enjoyed it. Don't take what I said the wrong way, Latenighter.
7611740 well thank you for your review, I do like to get both positive and negative reviews, but there have been so many nasty remarks given that nobody wants to give them, so I applaud you on your remarks, to be honest, towards the end, I was getting a little rushed myself, and took an easy way out, a mistake that I will not make again.
My scene with ma Dirt though, that is kinda what goes on in my house. I actually based Ma Dirt on my own mom, to the tee. I am glad you liked it.
Pacing, something that I have never been very good at, I guess it is just the way I think when I write. When I write, I see the story play out before me, and I don't really see the pacing, and I get into a little hurry.
Yea, Latenighter and Rainbow Dash, huh, I could definitely work on that relationship a little more. I tried working with a different side of Rainbow Dash then I am used to, I know that sounds weird, but in my other oc stories, I took advantage of the sensitive side of Rainbow, while also keeping her ego and swag.
still I am glad that you enjoyed this story of Latenighter and one of his adventures, and I hope you enjoy future stories that I come up with, as you are one of my few commenters, and I appreciate all of your comments, so don't think a little criticism is going to hurt me,
