• Published 13th Aug 2016
  • 2,040 Views, 52 Comments

Mareaculous: Tales of Twibug and Sunset Noir - Diokno44

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1. Arise, Mareaculous!

Two and a half years ago....

The rain poured across Canterlot city. Thunder and lightning crackled as often as the wind blew across one´s face. Beneath a thin, dark yellow rain coat, one deep blue girl used a magazine she had been reading to cover herself from the rain. Her umbrella had been blown away by a fierce gust of wind while she had been walking from the local electronic hobbyist shop. She had just finished her shift when it had begun pouring cats and dogs. She had left her pet dog/best friend, Spike, with her brother, Shining Armor. He was a rookie beat cop but had been allowed to take the dog with him on patrol, after he had allowed his boss, Commissioner Far Sight, a chance to pet and give belly rubs to Spike a couple of times.

Thankfully, her purchases were protected by the rainwater via four layers; The first was their packaging, then the plastic wrap they had been covered in, then the bag the cashier, a fellow geek by the name of Quibble Pants, had placed the items in, and finally, her coat. Twilight Sparkle, or as some of her ¨friends¨ referred to her as, Sci-Twi, was having a fairly rough day. True, it had started out well enough, she had been accepted into the illustrious Crystal Prep, her high school´s Advanced Metaphysics Club, founded alongside the city over two thousand years ago, by Laurel Faustus, and she had gotten the last little bits and bobs she needed for her latest robotics project, but then it started raining heavily.

She shivered, teeth chattering, as the cold rain water droplets fell around her. Her left hand held to her purchases, carefully hidden beneath her raincoat. Her other shakily held the sopping wet magazine above her head. Already she could feel the thin paper turning into wet sheets, threatening to crumple in her grasp, and leave her at the mercy of Mother Nature´s piss. ¨I´m almost home, I´m almost home.¨ The violet skinned girl said, shivering as a clap of thunder roared across the evening skies.

With her head tilted down at a seventy-four-degree angle, she didn´t see much in front of her. All the bespectacled girl wanted to do was get home, and take a nice, long shower. So, she didn´t notice when she bumped into another wandering soul.

¨Oh, I´m sorry!¨ Both Twilight and the one she had crashed into called out. Judging by the voice, said someone was a girl or a really high-pitched guy. Twilight blinked, and looked up. Before her was a girl in a sleek, black leather jacket, with an orange-gold stripe running across the wrists. She wore slightly faded blue jeans. A fiery red umbrella was clutched in her right hand, which matched the red part of her hair, which looked like a blend of mustard and ketchup.

The girl gave Twilight a small smile, ¨So, no umbrella?¨ Twilight meekly shook her head, she was never any good at talking to people. ¨Blew away in the wind.¨ Twilight just merely nodded, her head turned slightly to the side. ¨I know that feeling.¨ the next thing she knew, the sound of rain plonking against fabric overhead filled her ears. ¨Here.¨

¨T-thanks.¨ Twilight smiled her heart fluttering. True, the girl next to her was bizarrely fascinating , but she was also kind to offer her umbrella to a complete stranger. ¨I´m Twilight, Twilight Sparkle.¨ She didn´t fail to notice a flash of realization run across Sunset´s vibrant eyes.

¨I´m Sunset Shimmer.¨ Sunset said, running a hand through her bacon-like hair. So, this is Princess Twilight´s counterpart in this world. Huh, I was expecting more of a maniacal mad scientist, but she´s cute. She mentally squeaked, What am I thinking?! I can´t just go around calling Twilight´s doppelganger cute, that would probably seem major creepy to her. ¨So, you want me to walk you home or....¨ she waved a hand.

¨Y-yeah, my house is,¨ she pulled out her phone. It was a PPhone, one of the latest made by Pear. While she wasn´t really interested in texting or going on social media, not that she´d have many people to text, save her immediate family. After pulling out the Moogle Maps app, she swiftly typed in her address. Nobody would be home right now. Her mother, Twilight Velvet, worked as a cartographer and part-time author. She was currently on a month long mapping trip. Her father, Night Light, had a part-time job as a librarian at the Golden Oaks Library, though his day job was a software programmer for the local branch of the Atlas Corporation. She held up her phone, ¨Right here.¨ she motioned to the blip on the map radar. Her brother, Shining Armor, was a police officer, and currently dating

Sunset blinked, and quickly etched the address into her mind. This world´s Twilight´s house was, funnily enough, located right next to one of Sunset´s favorite game, both tabletop, and video, stores, Game On! ¨You live in a pretty nice neighborhood.¨ she noted as she began leading the way, hips swaying.

It took Twilight a second or two to follow, her breath caught in her throat. ¨Thanks.¨ she smiled, staying close to Sunset. The young scientist could feel Sunset´s body heat radiating off her, which sent a tingling warmth racing through Twilight´s body, bouncing from nerve to nerve. After some idle small talk, including the fact that both were attending the sister school to the other, the duo soon arrived at Twilight´s house. It was a well kept, three story home, fairly wide. It wasn´t a lakeside manor per say, but it wasn´t exactly a dinky shack. ¨Well, I guess I´ll see you around.¨ Sunset smiled, as she started off back to her own house.

¨Cya.¨ Twilight said as she waved farewell. She bolted inside, and locked the door, her heart pounding. She tried to clear her mind of thoughts of the beautiful, red and yellow haired vixen that had escorted her home. ¨Control your hormones Twilight.¨ she opened her eyes to find the smirking face of her sister in law. ¨Bwah!¨ she yelped, jumping a foot into the air. ¨Cadence, what are you doing home early?¨ she asked, her inquisitive mind´s gears spinning.

¨Oh, your brother´s shift finished early, so we decided to watch some movies on ManeFlix and chill.¨ Cadence said, dressed in a simple lime green T-Shirt, and some gray slacks with a stylized rose with the stem going down one leg. ¨So, did someone have a date with Ms. Shimmer?¨ Twilight paled as soon as the question was asked.

¨I-it wasn´t a date. I was walking back from the electronics store when this freak storm blew away my umbrella. Sunny-er, Sunset, let me stand under hers.¨ Twilight quickly explained, frantically waving her hands in a ¨This is not what it looks like¨ fashion. ¨Well, I've got to put my stuff away Cadence. Enjoy your movies!¨ she tossed her raincoat onto the coat rack, and sprinted upstairs. Cadence rolled her eyes and went back to the living room.

Twilight headed up the stairs and was soon greeted by a little green and blue furry ball attacking her legs. She smiled, ¨Hey Spike, did you behave while I was out?¨ The dog gave his owner a ¨so-so¨ gesture and a sheepish smile. ¨Ah well, I can hardly blame you, my canine comrade.¨ she patted Spike´s head, as she entered her room. After putting her purchases on her bed, she turned to her desk and found a pair of plain earrings on the table. ¨Huh?¨ she muttered, walking over. She held the earrings in her hand. True, while she had pierced ears, she rarely wore any accessories. As she gazed at the dual earrings, Spike began to bark. She turned her head....

.....and came face to face with a tiny, red creature.

¨Aaaah!¨ Twilight squealed, falling back on her chair, causing it to slide. Thankfully, the sound of some action movie blaring from Shining´s laptop downstairs would heavily muffle any sounds. ¨W-what are you?¨ she asked, taking deep breaths.

The little red being smiled, ¨I am a Kwami.¨ she said. She explained the Kwamis were spiritual beings, embodiments of various concepts. ¨I am the Kwami of Creation. You can call me Tikki.¨ she held out a stubby little hand, which Twilight tentatively shook with a finger.

¨So, what do you want with me?¨ Twilight asked, slowly calming down. Her scientific mind wanted her to document all this, but her emotional side argued, quite reasonably, that it would be rude to document a sentient creature without its consent. Her hand was quite close to her little black notebook.

Tikki zipped over, ¨As you probably know, Canterlot has its problems. Alongside various low scale crimes, there have also been some....magical problems as of late.¨ she coughed into a hand. Twilight HAD documented proof of what could possibly be magical phenomena, mostly surrounding Canterlot High School. ¨And so, I have been sent to you, due to your kind heart, and nearly selfless nature,¨ Twilight blushed a bit, ¨alongside these.¨ She gestured at the earrings in Twilight´s hand, and the scientific young woman shot Tikki a look of utter confusion.

¨Um, earrings? I don´t see how that´s going to help.¨ Twilight said, processing the information. Her brain took the important bits and stored them away for use later.

Tikki smiled, ¨Do you read comics?¨ Twilight gave the tiny being a ¨so-so¨ gesture, not unlike the one Spike had given her earlier. While she wasn´t as much of a comic geek as her brother, she had read a fair amount and found them quite good. ¨Well, this is what allows you to transform into Ladybug, a walking symbol of good luck, and hope against the darkness.¨ she handed the earrings to Twilight, who slipped them into the holes in her ears. ¨Perfect.¨

Twilight ran a finger across the smooth surfaces. ¨So, uh, what now?¨ she asked Tikki, sitting on her bed. listened first ,and found the TV had gone silent. ¨Hold on,¨ she cracked her door open and peeked downstairs. A slight blush came to the girl´s face as she gazed at the nude forms of her older brother and sister-in-law, cuddling beneath a thin cotton blanket. Twilight returned to Tikki.

¨Now you say, Tikki, Spots On!¨ Tikki explained, buzzing about. She was an ancient being, a few millennia old. There were more Kwamis, but she was one of the youngest. She and the brother Kwami to her, Plagg, had been sent out to try and find Noroo, the youngest Kwami, as well as the Moth Miraculous, which had been stolen from the Great Guardian, safe keeper of the Miraculouses. Noroo had been an active Kwami almost thirty years ago, back when two Miraculous users, Hawk Moth, and her future husband, Sir Peacock, had prowled the night skies, purging evil from the city. But the holder of the Peacock Miraculous had vanished a little over ten years ago, and Hawk Moth, it seemed, had turned to the path of darkness. With the Miraculouses, it was almost always a balancing act. One Kwami that could represent something positive, like luck, and one of decay or destruction, keeping each other in check. If, for instance,, Plagg, Kwami of Destruction, were to be left alone without Tikki, his user would be a rage filled demon of decay, slaying all that stood in his way. If Tikki were left alone without Plagg to balance her out, then her user might achieve peace and good luck by brainwashing all the citizens of a nation. Granted, said situations were quite rare.

¨Alright.¨ Twilight said. ¨Tikki, Spots On!¨ She called out, as Tikki was sucked into the earrings, which changed color to a ladybug pattern. A surge of energy, of confidence, of luck, surged through Twilight like electricity through a conductor. She felt soft fabric growing across her body. Her senses felt sharper, her hair became a fair bit shinier. Once she had transformed, she pulled a mirror over. She was dressed in a form-fitting crimson bodysuit that hugged her curves. Across her eyes was a domino mask, like ones worn by Old West desperados or superheroes from old comics. Except, unlike those, the ends of the mask ended in one-half of a ladybug. ¨W-wow.¨ Twilight muttered as she ran a hand across her chest. The suit, even though she had worn it for less than a minute, already felt like a second skin to her. She reached around her waist and pulled out a yo-yo. ¨Hmm, an odd choice for a weapon, but,¨ she flicked it, and watched it shoot out, and retract, ¨It could be used for mobility, like in Arachnid-Girl.¨ she muttered to herself, mentally jotting down notes.

After a minute or two, Tikki detransformed Twilight, the suit vanishing as she left the earrings. Tikki panted, ¨Before I continue, do you have any sweets?¨ she asked, as her stomach growled, like a lion´s roar.

Twilight looked inside her mini fridge and pulled out some cinnamon twists. ¨Let me go heat these up for you Tikki.¨ she said, as a spark ignited in her heart. She placed the treats in a microwave and pressed the two-minute button. She could be someone, someone people looked up to, not the nerdy girl with glasses everyone picked on. After the microwave dinged, she ripped a sheet of paper towel, and gently picked up the paper plate. She and Tikki shared the sweet, gooey treats, Tikki getting half of one, and Twilight the other. ¨So, I´m guessing I´m not the first Ladybug.¨ she asked, swallowing the remnants of her current slice.

Tikki let out a melodic chuckle and shook her head. ¨Oh no, not by a long shot. But, I´ll tell you about the previous Ladybugs at a later time.¨ she yawned, ¨Good night Ma-er, Twilight.¨ she muttered, conking off on a shelf in Twilight´s room. Twilight wished Tikki a good night and fell asleep in her own bed.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Canterlot....

Sunset Shimmer laid awake in bed. It had been a few days since she had met Plagg, Kwami of Destruction, and defiler of all things good and sacred when it came to cheese. The cat-shaped, godlike being had incessantly begged Sunset for some cheese that smelled like the hybrid of ten full dumpsters, and Canterlot High´s bathrooms after Five-Bean Chili Friday. She had accepted Plagg´s offer, after some thought. Perhaps this could allow her to do more good around the city she had called home for years. She had managed to buy the cheese in high amounts, especially when living with her human counterpart´s family, who were fairly well off, upper-middle class at the least.

Her mind thought back to this world´s Twilight Sparkle. She seemed alike, yet different, to the one from her native homeland of Equestria. This Twilight was meek, wore glasses, had her hair in a cute bun. But she couldn´t get the thought of her out of her mind. She slowly closed her eyes, wanting to drift off to sleep. She had spent the last four hours, as usual, posing in front of a mirror in her Cat Noir costume, the sleek, black leather outfit hugging her ample curves. She began to drift off to sleep....

....When an explosion sounded across town.

After a quick transformation, both the newly minted Ladybug and Cat Noir raced towards the explosion site. Twilight turned, trying to recognize the figure before her. The hair looked a lot like Sunset´s, but it was tied in a ponytail, and the outfit....well, Twilight had to turn away and wipe her nose upon seeing the leather clad superheroine standing next to her. ¨I-I presume you´re Cat Noir?¨ she asked, Tikki having mentioned who her partner in crimebusting would be. She hadn´t revealed Cat Noir´s identity, but the tone she had used when saying she didn´t know who Cat was beneath the mask made Twilight feel the Kwami had been hiding something.

¨That I am, milady.¨ Sunset gave Twilight a polite bow, her tail twitching. ¨And you must be Ladybug. I must say, you look positively purrfect in that outfit.¨ she smirked, eyeing Twilight up and down. Twilight blushed, and turned Cat Noir´s head to face the explosion site.

Out of the blast zone, where police offers and EMTs were either tending to the wounded or holding the crowd at bay, strode forth a large, obsidian beast. Its skin was like blackened rock, with lava for veins. Everywhere it stepped, what it trampled on melted.

¨Well, let´s go!¨ Twilight said, unhooking her yo-yo. She shot it, as it hooked around a pipe. Taking a deep breath, she swung and landed before the crowd of officers and spectators. Sunset landed a brief moment later. ¨Don´t worry, we´ll handle this.¨ she said, confidence rising in her voice. As she strode forward, she tried to recall what Tikki had explained of her powers. One was ¨Lucky Charm¨, where her yo-yo would transform into an object necessary to defeat her foe. Next was what one of Tikki´s previous users had coined ¨Luck Sense¨, as it detected what objects could be used in tandem with the one granted by Lucky Charm.

Cat Noir brought out her staff. Sunset had some combat practice battling threats from Equestria alongside her friends prior to meeting Plagg. ¨Any plans?¨ she asked, as the golem like beast stomped towards them, each footfall of his tree trunk like legs causing a minor quake.

¨Well, no time like the present.¨ Twilight said, holding up her yo-yo. ¨Lucky Charm!¨ she called out, tossing it into the air. In a spiral of butterflies, out came, ¨A shovel?¨ she asked, looking about.

¨Great, now we can dig our own graves.¨ Sunset chuckled, knocking aside a chunk of heated rock the beast, who she had mentally started calling Lava Rocker, had thrown their way, with a well-timed twirl of her staff. ¨Or whack him into his.¨

Twilight´s Luck Sense highlighted the shovel, a nearby station wagon, and a fire hydrant. ¨Got one!¨ she raced towards the beast, dodging the flaming boulders it tossed her way with an ease the ordinarily clumsy young girl didn´t know she had within her. Seeing a particularly large chunk of heated concrete flying her way, she ducked behind the station wagon, squeaking as it started tipping. After a second of it not flattening her like a red and black pancake, she continued on.

Cat Noir, meanwhile, deflected the superheated sediment away from the crowd, battering away hot rocks by spinning her staff like a blunt fan. From what Plagg had told him, the weapons of a Miraculous wielder, if they carried one, were virtually indestructible. ¨Keep the civilians back!¨ she called the cops, who, while mistrusting her at first, at least respected the young woman for risking her life to save people she seemingly barely new.

The newly christened Ladybug flanked the hulking beast and ran towards the shovel. ¨Get ready to erode, you magmatic monster.¨ she smiled, and smashed the red and black polka dotted shovel against the old hydrant, as a fierce jet stream of water slammed into the creature. Her eyes fell on a small pen stuck between two plates in Lava Rocker´s left shoulder. It snapped as it fell, and she watched as a blackened butterfly flew out. On instinct, she swung her yo-yo out, snaring the butterfly within. The shell slid open, as a pure white butterfly fluttered out, into the night sky.

¨We make a good team.¨ Cat Noir said, strutting over. Some EMTs came over to Lava Rocker´s body, and brought up a hefty man in his mid-thirties, with dark green skin, and jet black hair in a faux hawk. ¨Well, looks like we´re heroes now.¨she smiled, as the crowd cheered, and some reporters spoke to the duo.

Far from the scene of the scene of Lava Rocker´s attack, a sharply dressed man stood, angrily gripping his cane. He was dressed in a dapper purple long coat, matching pants, complete with black suede shoes, and black silken gloves. A metallic mask, in the shape of a stylized moth, concealed his face. ¨So, the Guardian has chosen his champions, hmm?¨ he glanced at the shivering, purple, butterfly-shaped Kwami in his right breast pocket. ¨No matter, my Akumas shall deal with them. And then once I have their Miraculouses, the paradise that my family deserves shall be attainable.¨

The large window where he looked upon the city closed, cold steel shutters sealing it off from the outside world. Not even the luminescent butterflies floating around Hawk Moth lit up the darkness of his lair.

And thus the tale of Ladybug and Cat Noir began....

Comments ( 52 )
Comment posted by Galaxy of Equestria deleted Aug 13th, 2016

I'm going to be honest....The story has alot of promise....But that was....so dam fast even Dash would be confused. :rainbowhuh:
Seriously fresh out the chapter, don't rush it so fast, there was no build up or a good entry to this chapter.
it was like getting a declious cake and then getting it shoved in you're face.

7475964 Oh, I guess I could have fleshed it out a bit more.

7475964 All chapters after shall slow down the pacing, not too slow, yet not too fast

7476221
Yes, it was just too much all at once, for the start of the story. I mean seriously, everything was thrown in my face and smeared on as well, that the feeling I got from this chapter.
I didn't even bother to finish it, was just...too much, too fast, too many things way too soon.

7476259 I guess, granted, some shows, do that as well, but I shall try and slow down

Okay first thing's first: it does irritate me that you beat me to publishing a Flutterbug story even though I came up with the idea first (back in February) but just never had time to start working on it. But I can be adult about that; this will not deter me from (eventually) writing and publishing Flutterbug and Mac Noir.

Personal BS out of the way, I see a problem with this story right out of the gate before I even start reading, and that's the word count.

At present, I have written over a dozen Miraculous Ladybug fanfics, including several "episode style" installments dealing with an Akumatized villain or other menace. So I speak from experience when I tell you that you cannot do a formula Miraculous episode in under 4,000 words.

Now, as to the story itself:

- As I expected when I saw the word count, this is hellaciously rushed.
- You desperately need a prereader and an editor.

A large, musclebound Minotaur by the name of Iron Bull was fuming.

Isn't this supposed to be the Equestria Girls setting? Which does not, last I checked, have minotaurs? He should be human then, should he not?

And, umm...Iron Bull? :rainbowhuh:

I don't care for the notion of Rainbow Dash as Chat Noir. Aside from being blatant shipping trash, you picked her because she's an athlete while ignoring the character dichotomy of Adrien.

Also, you telegraphed Hawk Moth's identity far too blatantly. And while I'm on that subject:

A few minutes later, Fluttershy and Sunset had rejoined the prankster duo. Rainbow´s mother, Vice-Principal Luna, had been a renowned fashion mogul, and former Preecian Olympics gold medal winner, before she became the Vice Principal. Her mother, Firefly, who had vanished when she was barely ten, had been a member of the police force

So Rainbow has two mothers and no father, I see. I think you need to revisit the concept of biology and how it relates to children being conceived and born. :twilightsheepish:

Okay, so gonna be blunt: This is bad. Before anyone says I'm being harsh on this story because I'm jealous I was "beaten to it", I'm not. I'm judging it on its own merits, and it is frankly bad.

Your pacing is awful, your character choices for the story roles are questionable, you bulldoze right through things because you can't be bothered to build up the world, characters, and scenario properly, relying entirely on the reader's familiarity with Miraculous Ladybug to fill in the gaps.

And even then, you're pushing it too fast.

When you write a crossover that's designed to be "Fandom A meets Fandom B", you must always assume that the target audience ("Fandom A") is ignorant of Fandom B. You must build things up slowly and explain Fandom B to the readers in Fandom A so that they're not completely lost in the shuffle.

Also, a word of advice for this kind of crossover? Don't awkwardly shoehorn things to fit "the mold". Fluttershy's parents don't have to be bakers. Rainbow doesn't have to be wealthy with a single parent who is also Hawk Moth. Innovate. Reinvent. Make the story your own.

I applaud you for writing a Miraculous crossover. I applaud you for being inspired by one of the most amazing animated series to come along since Friendship is Magic. But this? This is sad. This needed a lot more planning, a lot more work, and a lot more prereading. :unsuresweetie:

7476389 Thank you for the critque Mythril. I will admit to being half asleep when I wrote this, so I shall take it down, and improve it. Granted, I don´t really know WHO to put as Adrien in this. I mean, I could go Flash, but well, he´s kind of....lame in canon, unless I go the way you did him in Persona EG

I'm ticked. I come here expecting to see Rainbow Dash and Flutters and instead I see egghead and Sunset?:rainbowhuh:
The title is confusing. Also why is this in Flutterdash? Are u going to change the title?

Also nothing against Twilight, but are you sure Sunset and Twily are the way to go for this one?:applejackunsure:

7477297 Well, I was gonna go the way of FlutterDash, but after a talk through with Myth, I realized Dash isn´t really the perfect fit for Adrien. I meant, she would make a good Cat Noir, as for Adrien....eh

Yeah, but why not?:rainbowhuh:

And how would Sunnny be :unsuresweetie:better?

7477341 I like the chemistry the two have.

7477341 Also, do not fret. FlutterDash will be here, as the Nino and Alya of the fic. And yes, they shall be recieving Miraculouses

Rainbow Dash as Nino? Flutters as Alya? No offense bro but how are those characters related to Flutters and Rainbow in any way?!:applejackunsure:

Flutters is nothing like Alya or Nino. And Rainbow is far from a gamer. Just saying!:rainbowhuh:

7477468 If I recall, Rainbow and AJ did game with each other during the first EG

7477592 Still counts as gaming. As for Alya, I can´t really think of who could be Alya

Well if Flutters isn't Alya then who is Futtershy?:unsuresweetie:

7477791 Hmm, I was thinking she´d be Juleka, or maybe Mylene, I think that´s how you spell her name anyway. Pinkie will be Alya

Finally a character relation I can get behind.:ajsmug:

7478319 Thanks :) More to come. Post Akuma suggestions if you or other commenters wish, I have some ideas

Villain ideas :Maniac, Sweetie Bell= puppeteer.
Thats all i got :ajsleepy:

Okay, now let's look at the overhauled version.

Edit the description for errors please.

2.5 years ago....

Don't do this. This should be:

Two and a half years ago...

one deep blue girl
...
She had left her pet dog/best friend, Spike, with her brother, Shining Armor.

Is there some particular reason Twilight is blue in your story and not purple?

Thankfully, her purchases were protected by the rainwater

from the rainwater

You still need a prereader and an editor. Your writing style is very rough and you abuse commas and run-on sentences like an angry drunk abuses his wife.

Already she could feel the thin paper turning into wet sheets, threatening to crumple in her grasp, and leave her at the mercy of Mother Nature´s piss.

...seriously? :pinkiesick: Unnecessary metaphor is unnecessary.

Her brother, Shining Armor, was a police officer, and currently dating

This sentence just ends there.

¨Cya.¨ Twilight said,

Two things here:

1. Don't use texting shorthand in dialogue. Ever.
2. What the hell are you even using in place of quote marks there? :facehoof:

¨Control your hormones Twilight.¨ she opened her eyes to find the smirking face of her sister in law.

Is Shining Armor dating or married? Make up your mind, please.

¨So, did someone have a date with Ms. Shimmer?¨

Any explanation coming for how Cadance knew who Sunset was, or any reaction from Twilight to Cadance knowing Sunset's name?

Okay, skimming the rest of this without specific comments...

This is still very rushed and has a lot of problems, both technically and with the writing itself. Your pacing is a little better, but you still seem to want to force the story to move from point A to point D without even waving at points B and C. You have characters not reacting to things they should be reacting to. You seem to expect the audience to simply assume all teenage girls are lesbians as an excuse for the ship, without bothering to make it look like anything but your own personal kink. If you want to make the ship believable, you have to sell it. You can't just say "Oh hey, Sci-Twi and Sunset are gay for each other because" and let it go there. That doesn't work.

I'm sorry to say this, but I can't continue reading this story. :fluttershysad:

7478399 Ah, well, looks I have more polishing to do

7478324 Ok, Akuma suggestions, first of, the crazy weather lady villain should be either flitter or her sister.

And second of all, the akumatized skater could be Scootaloo.:pinkiesmile:

7478509 So Stormy Weather and Chronobreaker (Or was it Time Breaker?), hmm, interesting. I was also thinking of original ones as well

Villains: Diamond Tiara for Climatica and Flash for Dark Cupid.

I think Chloe would either represent Rarity or Sunny Flare.

Alya would be Moondancer.

Nino would be if you have a male OC, put him as Nino.

That's my shots, I tried making one but I argued not to do it. :twilightsheepish:

7478521 Well, Suri will be the Chloe of this fic, with CoCo as her Sabrina

7478531 Thanks. I was just watching Miraculous until I read this fic.

7478591
7478531 Hey, would either of you like to help me by being editors or prereaders?

7478596 Sure. I'm up for it but I'm only available for Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.

7478672 Works for me, maybe you could look over the current chapter, and any future ones I link to you, and make sure everything jells

7478705
So, if both of you could read over the current chapter, and either send me an edited version or tell me where to edit, that would be sweet!
7477341

7478717 Kay, kay. I'm on it, like a dashing comet.

7478717 Kay, I'll try to get on it soon.:pinkiesmile:

The first chapter seems a little confusing and a bit rushed... No, "rushed" is to the right word. Sci-Twi and Sunset seemed to accept very easily the Kwami's story and the whole Miraculous thing, yet it doesn't seem to be a bad story. I'll track it and see how the next chapters will be...

Also: I think both Sci-Twi and Sunset can figure out each others secret identity, but that is just my opnion.

7479911 Eh, in Miraculous Ladybug itself, Adrien and Marinette can´t figure out who the other is, even though their hairstyle and eyes remain almost exactly the same. Well, Cat´s becomes slitted, cat like, but still.

7479945 Yeah, I know. I just said it was my opnion, since Sunset, when she's not under pressure, seems to be good in solving puzzles and etc.

Then again, it's just my opnion. Your story, your rules.:twilightsmile:

7479960 Still, quite true. I would just chalk it up to just thinking that Sci-Twi doesn´t seem like the type to trapheize around in a skintight red and black suit. Granted, Sunset probably wouldn´t be the type to wear black leather

I'veheard this is a good sho

7770119 It is, you should check it out

¨Good night Ma-er, Twilight.¨ she muttered,

Tikki almost said Marinette. So this must be after the show Miraculous, right?

8382101
Yup, don't worry, Marinette ain't dead

This is actually funny considering how ladybug is Cadence’s nickname for Twilight.

8892986
I think that's just a song, but hah

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