- Member Since 7th Sep, 2015
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Cardinal Dan Productions
I love to write, I love to read, and I love this community! If there's a story I want to read that doesn't exist yet, I'll write it myself.
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I'm going to read this later for science reasons.
Yes science uhhh yes
That's it. I'm reading this.
Nah, I'm reading it for dat ass.
Well, you do want a coverart that is eye catching.
This one certainly fits the bill.
I'd really like to see how Rainbow gets Spike with Rarity. Or better the two share him.
I think Rarity secretly put Rainbow dash into seducing spike
I feel like your writing could be a little more descriptive. For example, I'm assuming from the title and cover image that Rainbow has a nice ass but it's skimmed over in the story. Some writing describing what the ass looks or feels like could go a long way e.g. Is it tight or fat, small or large. I also feel that the pacing was a little to quick and the actions of the characters should be a little slower. Other than that, looks like a lovely story full of potential.
I think you can be a bit more descriptive with the scenes. Rainbow's, Spike's and Rarity's body, what are they feeling, etc. Aside from that, me want to read moar.
Only way better is if he actually did it inside.
The short description of this story has a misspell. The word 'loses' is spelled wrong.
huh... kinda makes me think the whole Rarity thing is a charade, and that RD might've just lost her V-card then, as well
So should this be considered a Spike harem since he screwed Rainbow and will get with Rarity?
Rainbow seriously knows what she's doing.
In the short description:
pivotal
In the main description:
lose
Haven't even gotten a chance to read the fic (though, I plan on it), but already some issues just in the descriptions.
7457903
We shall see Warlocky.
charade confirmed!
I can't wait to see what more Rainbow's gonna do with Spike
Is it wrong I want that I want SpikeDash rather than Sparity?
I really wanted to see Rainbow teach Spike moves to really win Rarity over, not fall for him (or that she was already in love with him or something).
Still gonna read though.
Why didn't Dash just admit her feelings? Especially after she took his first time, I'm sure he would have openly accepted her.
and Now i love this story
7458056 I like when clop rainbow is written that way though
Ahh spike dash is great
Poor Rainbow, she really wants it with Spike more.
GOD DAMMIT SPIKE CAN'T YOU TELL SHE WANT'S YOU SHE LITERALLY SAID IT IN THE FIRST CHAPTER
Damn rainbow you should have told spike instead of making a promise to get him a datearly with rarity i...I'm sorry rainbow but mabye is not to late I hope
"*Just like I've been too stupid to tell him how I really feel...*"
Oh come on! She even admits it herself! I feel like this could be considered a 4th wall break.
This is actually a really nice story, clop aside, I really enjoy the story. If I could make a suggestion maybe you could make the chapters a little longer. If you don't mind. It's just when I read I would like to be more immersed in this story and it's kinda hard to do with the chapters this size. Not by much. Maybe 500 or 600 more words.
I don't know how much this actually solves the problem, though I do prefer this version to the original. Mind you, the way you had it before didn't necessarily make the story bad, at least in my eyes. That said, I like this a lot more than before.
I actually think this version makes more sense.
Well, that was rather sudden. Seriously, the entire reason she approached him was to help him get with Rarity, but now she's upset? This just comes out of nowhere.
I still think this was neat
Still don't know if I'm personally happy with this chapter. LIke, the other chapters were short, but I wouldn't describe them as rushed. This one feels rushed and poorly paced.
It's not a knock on the story, because I love it so far, I just think a bit better pacing would benefit this chapter immensely.
But hey, if you're happy with the chapter then that's all you need.
Keep up the good work!
7466493 Love makes you do the most craziest of things I guess.
A few things:
1.) In chapter 2 the topic of anal is brought up, both Dash and Spike express their dislike of it, and then it's never brought back up again. Spike doesn't even think about it during his date with Rarity. So why is it even in there? It feels like a minute and unnecessary detail that's only there to express a dislike of anal. XD
2.) It hasn't been explained why exactly Rainbow Dash has feelings for Spike. The only persistent evidence we have right now is that he's apparently a good lay, which I endlessly hope Rainbow isn't THAT shallow. The same thing goes for Spike too. They had sex once and now they love each other? I can kind of understand why Spike might feel that way, because it was his first time, but he also had romantic feelings for Rarity beforehand so I think he might understand the difference between love and lust.
The "let's take it slow" change was a good change to make in chapter 4, and I think having the characters talk about why they love each other while they watch a movie (good romantic setting) next chapter would be hugely beneficial for the story.
I loved their little time together and can't wait to see them again
Well after reading the remaster with it's... like... three some odd changed parts...
Lets all just take a Fresh Start, ok guys?
This turned out just super! The chapter edits really helped form the story and I think their heartfelt conversation in this one added real solid depth to both their relationship and characters. The bit about being drunk enough to try anal was cleverly funny imo, in a realistic way too, and I think it leaves the story in a nice open position to include it or not (and I'm not saying you have to!).
From here on you can choose to focus on their new relationship, with all the joys and troubles one might experience on their way to maturing as a couple.
But whatever you do, I'm excited to see what happens next! I really like it sor far, keep up the good writing!
Well done.
A down vote on a complement ? A troll bitch...
7459571
Not really. Rarity is really a bitch, even in canon. Rainbow Dash is a bit annoying with her ego, but better than Rarity.
Love it! Love it! Love it!
If you ever need an editor or someone to bounce ideas off of, hit me up. Seriously, you got talent and I would love to see you do more and grow.
Please keep up the good work.
Either Rarity's gonna sleep on the couch to avoid the noise or she's gonna join in the fun. I'm hoping for the latter, but I seriously doubt that's gonna happen.
Now this is what I call taking it slow in a moderately fast speed.
7466493 Yeah, rather than implying that Rainbow wanted the Spike the whole time at the end this should have made some clues that she was interested in him before or suggest that his performance was winning over her heart throughout the story so far.
At least is could have had a softer suggestion like, "I thought maybe you had changed you mind" and then a sigh or a single tear rolls down Rainbow's cheek. Regret would make sense but heartbreak seem a little much.
Like you said, the whole point was Rainbow offering to help Spike hookup with Rarity.
Your prose is incredibly boring and lacks a great deal of detail.
You're pacing is still way off. Way too much is happening in too short a time. Three major events happened in 1599 words; Rainbow's and Rarity's talk, Spike's and Rarity's date, and Spike going back with Rainbow. That's only 533 words per event. That's nowhere near enough time given to each for them to be properly fleshed out.
To put that in perspective, this comment alone has 103 words in it, as short as it is. So, five of these equal what you put into each major event. Don't be afraid to write more. We'll wait for you to finish fleshing things out.
It feels the same.