Caramel is an earth pony, but not as strong nor as fast as the others. He works an okay job and has a small home, but wonders if his life couldn't have turned out differently. And, most of all, he longs to fly like a pegasus. He likes the idea of the wind beneath his wings, of the combination of speed and grace, of freedom to go wherever he wants, something he's currently missing in his life.
A chance encounter with a pegasus living in Ponyville instead of Cloudsdale may give him the opportunity he's been looking for this whole time. If only he wasn't so insecure...
Chapters (3)
Sad.
Hello, you requested from the group I Just Want A Comment for people to view and, well, comment on your story. After having read the first chapter, I have a few things to say. Some are little tidbits of thought, others are suggestions.
-By far, this is the most interesting opener I have seen on any fanfic. It opens brilliantly with excellent foreshadowing (the song on the radio comes to mind). I did like the band's name. You sly dog.
-The second paragraph could use a little more sentence length variety. Some places could be shortened. The last sentence as well feels somewhat sudden, as the natural "flow" has been broken. This is mostly because the lengths are the same, and thus the flow is no longer strong or vibrant.
-"momentos" should be "mementos."
-Fourth paragraph: place "for" before "now."
-Fifth paragraph: "bushed" should be "brushed."
-A word of advice: numerical consistency. You mention how Canterlot has "seventy five degrees." First, you should add a hyphen between seventy and five, as it is a "compound noun." Secondly, since that is your first number, the other numbers mentioned should follow a similar format. 72 becomes seventy-two, 80s becomes eighties, and so forth. Alternatively, since these are all numbers above ten (and, in some grammatical studies, above twenty), you could just write them as numerical values (72, 75, etc.).
-"his while coffee cups" Change "while" to "white."
-You tend to use "reflected" a lot. Try using other words, like "thought," or "realized."
-"Caramel drank his coffee and ate his toast and packed himself a small lunch." A somewhat minor gripe. Here you imply that Caramel does all these things in quick succession. I'd suggest a break after toast, then a "finish" clause. This can be as: "Finished, he then packed himself a small lunch," or "(period) Then he packed himself a small lunch."
-The two paragraphs after that one both start the same way: Caramel (verb). You could endeavor for more unique starts, such as a pronoun, or w/ the present progressive (-ing verbs).
-"... with a rainbow mane and tail that..." Change "that" to "whom," only because "that" implies that Caramel recognized the tail as being Rainbow Dash. Same goes for the other pegasus (Thunderlane).
-"This was well-established routine now..." Assuming "routine" used here is a noun, then there should be an "a" before "well-established."
-Your "second act," detailing Caramel working at Sweet Apple Acres, was probably the best part of this entire chapter. It was a perfect mix of Slice of Life, with a good amount of subtlety behind it. While not too emotionally charged, it was a nice pause, as well as a great pathway into more of Caramel's thoughts and wishes.
-The ending of the first chapter hits hard. In once sentence, you have perfectly conveyed the sense of distraught that Caramel is feeling, and drive home a point about longing for the seemingly impossible.
All in all, this story isn't bad. In fact, it's pretty good. Aside from grammatical issues and the occasional splices in structure, I'd say that this story has what it takes to be even better.
7460228
So I think I fixed all the stuff you mentioned, and will try and look through Chapter 2 (which is already released) sometime tomorrow for more of the same things. Thanks for looking it over, and thank you for your comments!
I really hate to do this, but you've left me with no choice.
By the power invested in me, myself and I (since this story hasn't updated for over six months,) I declare this story to be dead.
May it forever rest in peace.
P.S. Welcome to the Graveyard.