Spike drinks a potion by mistake, turning him into a dragoness and sending him into heat. Since Twilight is not there he tries to find Ember for help. Fortunately a group of dragons are willing to help her...with more unsavory means.
Now, I realize you aren't a triple Pulitzer prize-winning author or anything, but what I've seen from the first chapter seems very amateurish. Please do not take offence, because the story itself is good, but the grammar and delivery need a bit of work.
First, you need to decide on whether to write in present or past tense. For instance, if two characters are talking and you write "Twilight said" and then "Spike says" this is grammatically incorrect. Personally I would recommend going with past tense, as it is the most widely used because it gives the reader the indication that the events of the story have already taken place, and are therefore set and irreversible.
Secondly you should work on gently working through plot points instead of blatantly writing them. Just saying that spike put the potions on the same table as his juice works, but it's kind of plain. Instead, try describing the layout of the room first by saying that the work stations and potion racks all surround a central table, and that spike puts his juice to the side at FIRST, and then puts the potions on the empty table to sort out later. But, as the work wears him down, he carelessly puts his juice on the central table where the potions are, a simple mistake with grave consequences. This makes the turn of events more tragic, as the mistake was one made due to exhausted carelessness instead of simple stupidity. Plus, the way it's written now seems more like something "baby" Spike would do, but "adult" Spike is convinced that he is older and therefore wouldn't make the same mistakes he would have made as a child. Having him make the smart, adult decision to put his juice to the side so that he doesn't mix them up, only to become careless later makes him a victim of his, now her, own hubris.
Again, I hope that you do not take my first comment as an insult. Writing is hard and it's really tricky to get everything to come out the way you want it. There will always be some flaw that someone points out in a new work. I just hope my advice helps you in any way, because you are a good writer, you just have things to work on, just the same as everyone else, myself included. Good luck.
Comment posted by PrinceTerran deleted Aug 3rd, 2016
With that he grabbed a bottle of apple juice from the fridge an put it under his arm so that he could stay hydrated during his work, while holding a broom in the other and a bucket with a cloth in his other.
I'm pretty sure you mean "rosy" when you wrote "roshy".
Now, I realize you aren't a triple Pulitzer prize-winning author or anything, but what I've seen from the first chapter seems very amateurish. Please do not take offence, because the story itself is good, but the grammar and delivery need a bit of work.
First, you need to decide on whether to write in present or past tense. For instance, if two characters are talking and you write "Twilight said" and then "Spike says" this is grammatically incorrect. Personally I would recommend going with past tense, as it is the most widely used because it gives the reader the indication that the events of the story have already taken place, and are therefore set and irreversible.
Secondly you should work on gently working through plot points instead of blatantly writing them. Just saying that spike put the potions on the same table as his juice works, but it's kind of plain. Instead, try describing the layout of the room first by saying that the work stations and potion racks all surround a central table, and that spike puts his juice to the side at FIRST, and then puts the potions on the empty table to sort out later. But, as the work wears him down, he carelessly puts his juice on the central table where the potions are, a simple mistake with grave consequences. This makes the turn of events more tragic, as the mistake was one made due to exhausted carelessness instead of simple stupidity. Plus, the way it's written now seems more like something "baby" Spike would do, but "adult" Spike is convinced that he is older and therefore wouldn't make the same mistakes he would have made as a child. Having him make the smart, adult decision to put his juice to the side so that he doesn't mix them up, only to become careless later makes him a victim of his, now her, own hubris.
Again, I hope that you do not take my first comment as an insult. Writing is hard and it's really tricky to get everything to come out the way you want it. There will always be some flaw that someone points out in a new work. I just hope my advice helps you in any way, because you are a good writer, you just have things to work on, just the same as everyone else, myself included. Good luck.
Personally, I thought this was pretty ok.
Three arms? Kinky.
Flippin! IT TOOK HIM TWO! TWO SECONDS, and this dude has already jinxed it! Too bad, now we gotta throw the whole thing away.