Sometime following Twilight's ascension to alicornhood, she goes through a personal revelation.
(Grimdark?)
Chapters (1)
orleansII
Joined 25th Jul, 2012 ·
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This looks pretty good, but at first I misread the title. I thought it said "hypnothesis".
I probably shouldn't be browsing at 1 AM my time...
Short, direct and subtle enough to make you feel probably there is something going there, but one can't be completely sure. She was right? She was wrong? Or maybe her mind just carried her way too far, just for making asumptions that lead her to a wrong answer? I don't know.
But I know one thing: Definitely this is a good story you have here. Well, done.
7402229 Thank you!
And as to whether her own hypothesis was correct..
Well, I'll leave that to you.
But that meal wasn't the last.
Neat little short story You had written; but, unfortunately, the ideas, concepts, are too broad and open to utilize to their crest in a short story. A novella or a novel would harvest better fruits with these kind of ideas rather than a short story. I'm feeling about as hungry as Twilight right now, albeit, for an indigestible type of meat; this is a dissatisfying story.
CONCLUSION: Hypothesis is mediocore, at best; too ambitious ideas in such a short amount of words. The writing prose is too grandoise--it emphasizes subtilty in rather vague sentences that are insubstantial and redundant; they play the same tune: Twlight became a monster--relative to the word count; I feel like I was eating a delicious meal and was interrupted, afterwards, feeling irritable.
Addendum: This is Your first story? Wow, this was definitely a good start in comparison to other first-starters. There is some good amount of skill in Your writing to be considered almost competent; I think the only tip I can give You, in relation to Your story, is to give certain ideas more substance--give them a ground to stand on. Twilight's discourse and thoughts aren't external situations and ends up feeling isolated and lacking, which is, I think, the problem: There is nothing to concern about entities having little to no connection to Twilight's actions and thoughts; we don't know how others internally feel about the dissapearences in Canterlot, nor is there anyone noticing oddities about Twilight; and, this is also, I think, the reason why I feel the ideas in Hypothesis should utilized in a novella or a novel; character interactions seem to be a major necessity in the full utilization of the ideas. Anyway, this is a good first story.
7407827 Thank you for the constructive-crit!
I was going for an isolated story (I'm terrible at character interaction in stories, and extended writing), off a sprung up idea I had at some random afternoon, so I agree this would definitely benefit from some sort of expansion at some point in the future. And yeah, this is my first proper story on fimfic or any site on the internet, really. I've had a pretty high intake of literature throughout my life to improve my writing chops.
Really, the potential for serial killer/cannibal Twilight is endless. I can think of a few scenes which could stem from it..
EDIT: Just don't expect any content on a frequent basis, I'm not a very fast worker..
7409208 You're welcome! Thankful to give you some helpful criticism. Reading a lot of literature definitely helps your writing get better.
If You need more tips on writing, I suggest You get and read, if You haven't, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King--It is less about writing tips and more about the fruits the writing tips produced in Stephen's own work; it is also about the author himself, since it's a memoir as the title avows--and--Oh my! I can't adequately stress how important it is to have this book, this "Bible of the Writers," "the little book."--The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White, a small book, small enough to keep in Your pocket, about writing; it contains all the essential tips on writing and is also the set of writing tips Stephen King uses--along with his own tips--in his craft; to quote Stephen in the Second Foreward of his aforementioned book:
7409449 Much thanks for recommendations on something more to read. You may be surprised at this, but I've never actually read a Stephen King book, though I've heard much of his writing skills. I will take your suggestions on what to read into account if I come across a bookstore where they are sold. In return, I don't have much books to show in turn related to writing, sadly, but as to good literature, should you have somehow skipped over it, the full collection of (original) Sherlock Holmes stories is a must.
It is getting a bit later in the day, so this'll probably be my last message to you on this story. Again, thank you for your criticism and tips. It's appreciated.
(See you next time.)
7409784 (See you later, too, hoss.)
I really liked this premise, it makes sense especially for alicorns to be so powerful.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
so she is a cannibal I didn't see that coming.
Seems silly to me *shrug*, eating sapient beings is unethical to say the least. There are plenty of tasty, non-sapient beings to eat. Fish, fowl, pig, and plenty of monster meat to go around. All without those... unpleasant twinges of fear and conscience. Plenty of beings eat meat without resorting to cannibalism, as they are, in most cases, spoiled for choice. It would make more sense to me if Twilight's cannibalism came as a result of her insatiable curiosity and desire to experiment rather than something as simple as a change of diet. A seed of an idea becomes a thought, a question, something that keeps a person up at night until it slowly becomes a compulsion, and then, an obsession.
7402923
Ahh, god. This made me cringe in all the right ways. This is an excellent and underappreciated piece of work you've got here. I'd love to see more from you.
Oh I am definitely doing a reading of this
Years later, Princess Twilight Sparkle opened a casino in Ponyville called the Ultra-Luxe.