1: Getting tokens this early into a displaced story kinda isn’t good to see. All stories I’ve seen where the tokens arrive so early kinda get ruined by it, just saying.
2: Lack of consistency with Brutalight there. If you’re going to use formatted text for a character, keep it consistent. You gave Brutalight bold text for the start there, then just dropped it.
3: Perspective. You’re switching between third and first person at what seems to be complete random. Stick with one, use it consistently. You can change at times, but only switch between breaks or for a chapter and don’t do it too often. The exception being different characters having different perspectives, though that is rare and it oftentimes disorients readers.
4: The guards and Celestia not questioning anything and accepting answers that are blatant lies is a bit out there. If Twilight is an alicorn, the Changelings are known, meaning they should be able to recognise that Brutalight is not Twilight. Asking to be left completely alone with an unknown, presumed hostile, beast? Twilight wouldn’t care about the guards. (The simple fact that the guards did so without question is also off. Also not questioning how she got past them). Asking for directions to the door? She’s lived in Canterlot for years! Twilight teleporting from Ponyville to Canterlot? Unheard of! Twilight not informing Celestia in advance? This is not Twilight Sparkle!
5: Suddenly having access to everyone in a displaced organisation for pretty much free? So early in the story? You’ve literally just given the main character an infinite use get-out-of-jail-free card.
7415520 You got me there I couldn't have him on thee ground though.
I recommend new chapters once every week so you can have more lengthy chapters
I love the Elements of Insanity!
you did the link wrong this is the link to brony parasite
this is the right link :/
7989829 Oh my gosh I never noticed that thank you.
1: Getting tokens this early into a displaced story kinda isn’t good to see. All stories I’ve seen where the tokens arrive so early kinda get ruined by it, just saying.
2: Lack of consistency with Brutalight there. If you’re going to use formatted text for a character, keep it consistent. You gave Brutalight bold text for the start there, then just dropped it.
3: Perspective. You’re switching between third and first person at what seems to be complete random. Stick with one, use it consistently. You can change at times, but only switch between breaks or for a chapter and don’t do it too often. The exception being different characters having different perspectives, though that is rare and it oftentimes disorients readers.
4: The guards and Celestia not questioning anything and accepting answers that are blatant lies is a bit out there. If Twilight is an alicorn, the Changelings are known, meaning they should be able to recognise that Brutalight is not Twilight. Asking to be left completely alone with an unknown, presumed hostile, beast? Twilight wouldn’t care about the guards. (The simple fact that the guards did so without question is also off. Also not questioning how she got past them). Asking for directions to the door? She’s lived in Canterlot for years! Twilight teleporting from Ponyville to Canterlot? Unheard of! Twilight not informing Celestia in advance? This is not Twilight Sparkle!
5: Suddenly having access to everyone in a displaced organisation for pretty much free? So early in the story? You’ve literally just given the main character an infinite use get-out-of-jail-free card.