Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle are Celestia's personal students. Will they take up the Elements of Harmony, or will their friendship fail the test? Hasbro own MLP:FiM. Please read, review and don't dislike without positive suggestions for improvement.
(Added a like to reflect confidence in my own work, like Iron Will, raagh!)
19/09/16 Major edits to chpt 1, 2, 4, 6, 7.
Coverart by Phyllishimmer
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This sounds really good so far. I can't wait to read more.
Thanks hope to update soon :-}
I like the Premise. I understand that Sunset is keeping an eye on Twilight, but how is she doing it? Is the one question that comes to mind. The only other pointer I can give is that it got a little hard to follow who was doing or saying what in paragraph two. If I might be so bold as to make a writing suggestion it would be neat to tell a chapter from Sunsets perceptive
I can't wait to read some more. At the part where Celestia was looking at the flag, I think she was thinking of the time she and her sister were like Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle, as friends.
Some of this story needs an editor to take a look as it is quite hard to follow. However I do like the premise and maybe i'll continue to read this story. This story has earned a tracking but not a favourite.
7302288 Yep, Celestia was thinking about her estranged sister. That's a big part of the reason she has two proteges now, but let's hope history doesn't repeat itself with Twilight and Sunset...
Thanks very much for the comment and follow, next chpt coming soon!
This isn't bad. In fact, I'd call it okay.
The dialogue sounds relatively good for the most part, and you have pretty good descriptions throughout, and don't really get bogged down in exposition like so many others do.
However, it's far from perfect.
For one, and this is the most important, I never really felt a connection with the characters. When I read, I want to be drawn to them, to feel what they're feeling, to see their hopes and dreams. Here, in the intro chapter where I'd say it's arguably most important to get this, I don't get much of it. I felt distant from them, and that's never good for the main characters.
Two, I think it feels rushed. You're trying to get a lot of time across through the time jumps, which is all well and good, but it feels like you just rushed through each scene, never taking time to create an atmosphere, describe the scene and tone, delve into how the characters are feeling. Was Twilight trembling with delight at meeting the princess? Fear? How did she feel knowing she was one of only two ponies in Equestria to be direct students to the princess? How heart wrenching was it for her to have to leave her family-even temporarily-to live and study in the palace? How did Sunset feel to have an upstart with her? Is she just using a mask, or is her friendliness genuine? None of these are really explored, which is a damn shame.
Three, I think this chapter could and should have been much longer just so that you can explore the characters thoughts and feelings a bit more. It feels like you're just jumping through this opening chapter to get at something juicy in the next few chapters, and this is just "required" for the setup. Take your time, have fun with it. Additionally, it got a bit confusing at times-the segment with Trixie came out of nowhere, and I had to reread it three times to really understand what actually happened, and afterward I was wondering where the buildup was.
Honestly, there's quite a bit of potential here, and I'd love to see where this goes, but there are issues you need to iron out.
7307405
You'll have to keep guessing how genuine Sunset's friendship is, for now; she goes further for Twilight than she needs to, but gets considerable benefit from the younger filly's research skills. I might make Sunset's life goal to succeed Celestia explicit in chpt 1, now, to hopefully make her more engaging. I tried as always to eschew surplusage in this story, but I'll see what I can do to respond to your comments. Thanks for making them, lots of readers in other fandoms wouldn't have bothered.
"Lualus"? Is this Luna and Celestia's father, an actual god, a god invented by religion, the deification of Luna (who's actually a stallion) on Celestia's part, or just the first alicorn? The name really brings Luna to mind so I would have guessed him to be a genderswapped Luna, but the creator deity stuff sort of messed that idea up. So now I'm just confused.
I like the Sunset Shimmer portrayal here, and how Twilight perceives her. Sunset's supremely talented, but at doing things, and despite not having friends she's still got social skills (especially in manipulating others). But while less skilled, Twilight outdoes even Sunset at knowing things. And the way Twilight blatantly looks up to her is frankly adorable--maybe that has a bit to do with why Sunset got over the filly stealing even more of the Princess's attention away from her?--although it reminds me a bit of Japanese-esque senpai/kouhai friendship. Sunset comes off as a good pony--an ambitious one, and not a nice one, but one who's heart is still in the right place.
Of course, like I said... Sunset's really good at manipulating other ponies.
Twilight, you absorb books like a black hole absorbs matter. You should already know that this is a bad phrase.
7311343 Lualus name is based on a gender-switched Lurue, the goddess unicorn in Dungeons and Dragons; think of the giant ghost Alicorn in Rainbow Rocks. I felt an Aslan-like figure would be easier than transplanting Christianity into MLP. We will soon see Lualus is currently very neglected by modern ponies who have some trouble with the idea of their creator being a stallion. Luna, on the other hand, is still Nightmare Moon...
Anyway thanks very much for the nice comments. Hopefully now everything will go fine with this story after all...
7311710
Ah, Lurue. I would (probably) have recognized her if you hadn't switched the gender. So this Equestria is firmly matriarchal?
7312452 Not exactly matriarchal, but I think the Ponies have so many strong female figures, from 5 of the 6 founders to Celestia, that a male in the top spot is hard for them to believe in presently. It's similar to humans claiming that Christianity is patriarchal. But all this might not come into play as soon as all that...
Confusing, but ill roll with it.
7328117 Your avatar certainly looks confused :-) glad you're giving this a chance, I'll go over the second chapter again as well. I suspect I use 'but..' too much, which really sounds uncertain
7328656
I guess all of the scene switches was too much for my simple mind to comprehend, but I'm still enjoying the fic.
Still feels rushed. Moderately less so than the first chapter, but rushed. And, I can say with relative certainty after reading the first chapter again that I still have no idea what Trixie's deal was.
In fact, other than Twilight and Sunset, I am still a bit confused regarding several introduced characters, why Snips and Snails are even there (weren't they born in/live in Ponyville? where would Sunset even meet them?).
It's not that it's not good. But it just feels like you're racing to get to a particular point of scene you have in mind, but in doing so I feel like you're sacrificing an immersive factor in getting in tune with Twilight and Sunset.
A lot better than the ast chapter
7329240 I guess it needs more scene setting, and a bit more of Twilight's thoughts on Celestia and other characters? I am compressing a whole year at
HogwartsPCSGU into about 5000 words. Should it be split into two chapters?Snips and Snail are from Canterlot in this AU, and a little brighter, without any more common sense. Sunset met them outside school when she was a first year, and they hadn't started at the school yet.
I'll give Twilight a few more thoughts about her personality, but you won't go far wrong thinking of Trixie as an arrogant jerk at present.
I've heard something hilarious today! Only one of those three things haven't been in the show. That one thing would be religion. It's very clearly hinted at that Applejack's parents have died, and how else would you get a baby, other than having sex? The reason that religion has been excluded from the show is because...you know...it's not very friendly to the people who believe in other things. Just ask the Native Americans. Speaking of, even that has been brought up by the show, in the episode "The Last Roundup".
7333941 sex and death clearly exist in mlp but they are never discussed in depth, the characters are never clearly shown dealing with them except in fanfic and fan interpretations. It's a very good children's show, but it is a children's show. And presentation of religion isn't unfriendly to others per say, unless it's promoting hatred or violence.
What did you think of the story?
Poor Twilight.
Come to think of it, poor Sunset, too. She may get everything she ever wanted at this rate, and find that victory has never tasted more like ashes.
Hard to fathom how Celestia's efforts were less successful than a rainbow laser to the face, but there we are.
7345278 You mean how the elements of harmony magically sorted all Sunset's issues out in the movie, while in this story she still has some definite personality problems? That's what I want her to deal with properly.
7345887
The somewhat... arbitrary and ersatz nature of the rainbow deathbeam is one thing, not recognising that Sunset's hadn't actually changed is another. Celestia's failure in the first can be forgiven for not having a plot device available, the second, not so much.
But then again, she does have a proven track record of being unable to see the problems which she may or may not have a hoof in causing in her nearest and dearest...
As an aside, I am of the opinion that the technicolour reformation beam isn't quite as bad as it first looks. From what we see, what Sunset needed was to fail - and still being shown that she isn't entirely worthless without it. In that sense a punch to the face (that is strong enough to turn her back to human and make a big crater in the ground, I suppose) would probably have worked just as well. Sunset here clearly hasn't gotten THAT memo.
Well done, Princess Celestia!
7346552 Now I see what you mean. Sunset in this story has become much better than she was (flashback time next chpt) but still has serious flaws. At this point she might overcome them with time, or they might finally bring her down.
7346592
Have you not decided yet? I get the sinking feeling every time she manipulates her way up that this time she'll get what she wants... and finds the taste of victory like that of wormwood.
It may be up to Twilight to show her that the mask has become the face. Or it may bring Twilight down as well. God help Twilight. God help Sunset too.
7346686 I've got the whole story approximately planned out. Thanks for comments. ;-)
Update please.
Also, in Victorian England, there were executions. Sure, Sombra EXPLODED...oh wait! That takes care of addressing death right there! Also, there's these annoying things called "children", which this show's target audience is supposedly supposed to be, and the writers of the show can't address religion, sex, or death blatantly, for fear of angering another annoying thing called "parents" and losing their target audience. Have I successfully made my point yet?
Hell, we're lucky that we got to see the fight between Tirek and Twilight, because that was stretching that PG rating as far as they could!
7353412
That's pretty much what I was saying, and no more than that.
I don't get it... Why would they have to look at her changing? They get a better look from just watching Twilight walk around normally then being a pair of peeping toms.
This pony must be the most hated teacher on campus.
At first, I thought it said Priestess.
After reading the end of this capture, it's starting to sound like the beginning of a revolution. That's what I got from it anyway.
7367508 Twilight would naturally worry that two impulsive and hormonal colts told to watch over her would take things too far for their own amusement; Sunset needed to reassure her there. I'm sure Twilight would also agree about social events being a waste, since she wants Sunset all to herself. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Does she like Flash or Sunset? I'm confused
Of course, you are!
7370981 Twilight somewhat likes Flash romantically and very much likes Sunset as a friend.
It seems to me that, no matter what universe you're in, colts named Flash get all the mares.
7407710 But is he happy? We may never know. Thanks for reading, not sure when next chpt ready but hopefully soon.
7407710 I agree so much.
Hm.
This may turn out good. Hopefully, there won't be a sugar-boiled ending.
7415158 Next episode; Yaks attack north Equestria. And once Nightmare Moon shows up, this show will quickly get darker (in more ways than one). She won't go down this time without heartache, sacrifice and lots of nightmares.
7415472
Honestly, I do not care much about NM etc. I'm more interested in Sunset-Twilight-Celestia dynamics. I see a suppressed tension and would like to see how it makes things troublesome.
7415595 Glad to hear that's what you want, and thanks for the reminder. The character conflict might be in progressively extreme circumstances but character is the key.
7346592
Ghost, I see that you have a firm belief in your vision of Sunset. While she undeniably messed up in the comic, I have to point, that other people may see her in more positive light. Furthermore, I'd like to loosely quote my teacher
'A writer should not give as a morale. It is primitive and uninteresting and views of what is right and wrong vary greatly. A writer should point at a problem, asking a question. The answer is for the reader to find'
Indeed, I found that stories with open ending and leaving a lot to guess usually are more interesting reads than direct ones. Not sure if that works for much younger audience, though. Still, please, consider it.
7417445 I anticipated that others would have different visions of Sunset, especially if they're thinking of post-Equestria Girls reformed Sunset, a stage my Sunset hasn't reached yet. She's somewhat reformed in behaviour, but rather less in heart. I'm trying to draw characters and events as definitely as possible, and leave readers to make their own judgements on their meaning; all judgements made within the story are from characters, not the writer. I should probably write a little more from Sunset's view, to give a different perspective on events; I'll look back over the story with your comment in mind.
7417542
>should probably write a little more from Sunset's view, to give a different perspective on events
I'm not sure about it. While different perspective might be good, it should not be Sunset's perspective IMO. This way her character would be more open to interpretation.
Anyway, I read through your story and put some comments, see here
7417712 Thanks for comments, they were useful. I agree in chpt 3 Twilight is a little too retiring; she ought to have talked out her feelings with Sunset rather than moping. But in the next chpt, as I think you mentioned, she's beginning to grow in confidence, and should continue to do so.
As for the mirror, and Sunset's clash with Celestia, the students have only heard vague, unsettling rumours about it. Hopefully details coming next chapter. I did need to clarify that, and be more careful with Celestia's role generally, so thanks.
This is a great story keep up the amazing work on it.
Well, that doesn't sound unhealthy at all. Nope, not in the least.
7477609 For the record, Sunset didn't make up the giant spiders. What did you think of the story?
7478145
I've very much enjoyed reading it! It sort of stuck around in my titanic list of unread story updates, but I finally got around to it--and I'm glad I did. I love the depiction of Sunset Shimmer--manipulative and possessed of a mean streak, yes, but it's very clear that she isn't evil, and her interpretation of cutie marks (her own and others) is incredible.
7478408 Really good to hear you liked it so far. This Sunset Shimmer is quite different from where she was in the movies and comics, so I wanted to spend some time developing her. Next chpt out soon, with a battle against the Yaks, and Nightmare Moon's first appearance...