“Please take care of Twilight Sparkle as her Senior, Sunset Shimmer. You are my treasured students together, from this day forth.”
Celestia’s eyes were liquid light, far above little Twilight’s head. Her voice was warm gold; High Queen, Best-beloved Schoolteacher. And she had hoof-picked a plain, bookish filly, from all the world–her protégé, at Equestria’s paramount school for unicorns! Twilight had loved her at first sight, and rejoiced.
When Sunset Shimmer trotted onto the carpet before Celestia’s throne, she loved her and despaired.
“Um…” Twilight fiddled with her spectacles, “Hello, Miss Shimmer.”
“Call me Sunset.” Her grin flashed, too bright, “I hear you’re quite the grade-skipping wunderkind. Some competition will be most refreshing.”
Sunset Shimmer had three years on Twilight; she was beautiful. From her stunning mane, through the unquenchably cocksure curve of her lip, to the royal sun sat proud on her flank, she appeared flawless. Heroine of her life’s adventure story. All a Princess’s protégé should be.
Feeling drab and misplaced as she was certain she seemed, Twilight trembled. Until the Princess laid a hoof on her shoulder and her horn on Sunset’s.
“My little ponies, I see sparks of greatness in you both. I expect you to support each other in your studies. And I truly hope that you will grow
to be friends.”
“As you say, Princess,” Sunset murmured, with lowered eyes, “I will take care of Twilight Sparkle. And protect her, as best I can.” Celestia raised an eyebrow. Sunset’s voice was smooth as chocolate, “I’m sure you’re aware, Highness–the position of royal student can attract the ugliest jealousy.”
Merely entering the School for Gifted Unicorns had terrified Twilight, despite her nights of labour to that end. Being named student to the Sun Princess, rival to Sunset Shimmer, might have paralysed her. But her fears fled from Celestia’s smile like shadows at dawn, and all her dreams revived.
This was the place to attain spectacular powers, and knowledge. The place she was meant to be. She had never missed a meal in her life, except to read, but she had thirsted for truth since opening eyes upon the world.
And someday, sure as summer solstice sunrise, her knowledge would help other ponies. She might never have inspiring charisma, or beauty, or friends, but she would do some good in the world. Her Princess had chosen her.
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Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns was dispersed between the west annex of the palace, and several buildings in the grounds. Golden spires shone white in the sunshine, while gentle streams wound between gardens and fresh-smelling lawns. The Canterlot Observatory and the science labs were both state-of-the-art and worn by constant use. The library and national archives (Twilight stifled an ecstatic gibber) were about as big as the rest of the school. It staggered her to imagine how many brilliant unicorns, from Starswirl down, had set hoof on the very paths where she and Sunset walked now.
Unicorn students were out with their lunches, ambling around the astrologically ornamented fountains. As Sunset trotted past and over a delicate bridge, tail swishing like a glamour model, heads turned and notice was taken. Twilight followed slightly behind, hugging a book with her foreleg.
“You’ll have a day's weekly lesson with the Princess,” Sunset was telling her, “The same as me, and we’ll share a weekly meeting. She has other calls on her time, you understand, like running the greatest kingdom in the world. But so long as dragons haven't raided the Griffon Lands or something, she never misses a week. You’ll need two more days to complete Celestia’s assignments, leaving five days for normal lessons with the herd.”
“Um, that’s an eight day week.”
“That’s what royal students need, Missy. Will you room in the dorms? You should. I mean to get to know you, and ponies might think you, ah, less than committed if you didn’t board. Capisce?” Confused by Sunset's aggressively pleasant tone, Twilight hadn’t the breath in her throat to reply. Condescendingly, Sunset flicked her tail, “I suppose all this has rather overwhelmed you. The Princess is quite something, isn’t she?”
Twilight nodded hard; amazed at Sunset’s insight, missing the slight edge in her voice.
“Mmm, she’s astounding! The greatest pony in Equestria! At my first Summer Sun Celebration, when saw Princess Celestia raise the sun, that was the moment I knew I wanted–”
“–to be a Princess?”
Sunset’s voice was quite light, much like the rush of heat from a furnace. The few students passing in earshot fell silent. Their bearing was respectful towards Sunset, Twilight realised, but not comfortable. Almost fearful–the same chill in every eye–but what for?
“Ah, oh no! I’m terrible at dealing with ponies, I could never be so great…I just want to learn the most amazing techniques that I can, Miss Sunset.”
Sunset finally threw back her magnificent head to look directly at Twilight. The little filly had read about coal veins that took fire, and burnt with eternal flame. But she had never seen eyes that burnt with the single passion of a heart.
“Is that so? When I first came to this school, Celestia’s one and only pupil, I wanted more. To be more than any Pony alive; all I could be, and more than that. I’ve taken my knocks, since then–” In Sunset’s eyes, a shadow flickered. “–worse knocks than seeing a bright little filly standing in my old horseshoes. And I will not give up my destiny, while this Mark stands on my skin.”
“W-what destiny?” Twilight stared at the blazing sun on her Senior’s shapely rump, “You want to…stand with Celestia? Even–?” Sunset tapped Twilight’s chin with her polished hoof.
“You didn’t think our marvellous ruler was training students for fun, did you? I will be a Princess. I’m sure you were the smartest pony in your old school, Twilight Sparkle. But you will not be the smartest here. I will support you, all you need–and you will need it–but you must never hold me back. And never give up on your destiny, if you mean to study at my side.”
Twilight gazed into Sunset’s eyes; the burning world where fear and failure could not be. A thousand visions of disgrace and disappointment beset her, for the thousandth time.
The greatest school in Equestria; the toughest course, the highest mountain. She had a gift, but there would be no limit to its testing. And if a pony so loved, taught and nurtured as she had been failed at last, how worthless would that pony be!
Twilight held Sunset’s gaze like a liferope. When she spoke, her voice was small and firm.
“I don’t know about destiny, and I can’t imagine being a Princess. All I can do right now is study. But I will study as Princess Celestia’s student, with all my heart!”
“Perhaps we should have a study date sometime, Twilight Sparkle,” Sunset’s smile was hard to define, “Perhaps we will get on after all.”
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That evening, Twilight Sparkle parted with tears from her parents, brother and Smarty Pants doll, to move into the dorms. With four-posters and weighty red drapes, they were probably the most extravagant dormitories in Equestria. But the bigger girls lounging about like sleeping lions did not leave her long unmolested.
“Hi there! Are you Twilight Sparkle? Celestia’s new student?” Green unicorn. Bouncing, grinning, lyre Cutie Mark–
“Do your parents really publish the Daring Doo books?” Yellow filly, mane cerulean. Hearts on flank, heart on sleeve–
“How did you hatch that dragon egg?” Blue, stripes. Responsible, smiling, hourglass–
“Could you tell the Princess–?”
“Can you help me meet A.K. Yearling?”
“Can we be friends–?”
A single new pony could swamp Twilight’s analytical mind with data. Facing a crowd of unrestrained fillies, she lasted under a minute.
As Twilight backed into the hallway and made for the stairs, a barrage of power chords burst through another door. With a little shriek, she almost took the stairs rump-first.
“Are you okay?” Lyra, the green unicorn, had followed her, “That’s just Sunset Shimmer. Seniors get their own rooms, you know, and, well, she plays guitar. She has top grades in everything, and loads of sports trophies. The perfect student, apart from last year, and that thing with the mirror.”
"What's that?"
"Well, she vanished for six months, and there was this rumour about a magic mirror. Nopony knows what it means, but she must’ve clashed with the Princess, or done something wrong. She can be a bit 'out there', you know, but she’s an amazing pony..."
Twilight didn't tarry longer. The only thing that frustrated her more than scheduling conflicts was insubstantial gossip. Sunset’s guitar disturbed her as well; it was technically superb, but sounded more like savage battle than a song.
Twilight was still flustered when she reached the library. It took hours of rememorizing The Gift Explained, History of Unicorns and Basic Techniques of the Gift (textbooks she had memorised weeks before her entry exam), before she recalled that she was a personal student of Princess Celestia at PCSGU. Everything was going to be fine.
With a short bedtime prayer to Lualus, the Divine Alicorn (which she wouldn’t have dared to say in front of the dormitory), she laid her head down on the desk. Tired enough to sleep anywhere. Too tired to worry longer about studies, other ponies, or Sunset Shimmer.
-0-
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Twilight woke, with a book nudging her foreleg. She shook her head, squinted through the darkness. The book was floating; more volumes sailed off the library’s towering shelves as she watched. With a little chuckle, she opened one, and found she had lost the ability to read.
Pages covered in letters–words in Equestrian–but it might as well have been Yakistani. Her brain could not produce a single meaning, strain as she might. She started to groan, then to scream. Now the book flew from her desk–another thrust against her face, but she couldn’t read a single one. And from the world outside what had been her safe-haven of solitude, somepony was laughing.
Panting sour air, Twilight flailed with both hooves for a book. Any book. Then the book clamping its jaws on her neck. She fought like an animal to tear it away. A mindless, worthless animal, as blue smoke poured in around her, and Sunset Shimmer's laughter rang in her ears…
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“Twilight! Twilight? It’s okay.”
Twilight woke up gasping–it was scary, but at last her breaths slowed. Once she had replaced her glasses she found herself staring at Sunset, who very nearly looked shaken.
“How..ugh…why?”
“Everypony in school stays up until midnight, first night back. I heard you’d gone out, guessed you’d be here; thought I’d mention sleeping on a desk is bad for the skin and the brain. I didn’t expect to find you thrashing about like a colic case.”
“It was a nightmare. Excuse me.” Twilight tried to rise. Sunset held her, "Please, let me go!"
"Take a minute. You should be careful. And if you have Nightsickness, you should get help."
Nightsickness. An uncommon disorder, endemic to Equestria. The lightest cases might go unnoticed. Chronic patients eked out their days between leaden insomnia and the terrors of sleep, generally without leaving their homes again. Apart from drugs scarcely less debilitating than the sickness, no cure had been found in almost a thousand years.
“N-no, I don't!" Twilight stammered, "I mean, I’ve never had nightmares like that before! I’m going to put my heart into my studies with the Princess. I told you that already!”
"It sounds like you will be alright," Sunset smiled and stepped away, "Just tell somepony if it happens again. And please sleep in the dorms. The Princess did tell me to look after you."
At first Twilight had flinched from Sunset's eyes, but now she looked. They weren’t like big brother’s kind eyes, for her scrapes and cuts, that made her cosy inside and safe. Sunset’s eyes were unyielding and strong, with a heart that shared its strength. Twilight’s fears vanished, as at Celestia’s touch, as Sunset’s smile stirred her heart. She couldn’t imagine a fear that wouldn’t.
Before Twilight walked back to the dorms with Sunset, her nightmare terror had vanished. But she was still pondering, a week later; why had she dreamt of Sunset laughing at her? Was she so weak she deserved that?
For the next few weeks, she made no move to spend time with Sunset. She wondered if she were nervous of such strength. She knew she was not at school to explore the terra incognita of Other Ponies, but to work. Into the small hours, every night in the library, because she wished never to see that nightmare again.
And she wished that her throat would stop aching so.
-0-
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After escorting Twilight to her bed, Sunset went straight to Celestia. The Princess who moved Sun, Moon and stars needed but little sleep. She was seated on a veranda outside her throne room, silently gazing towards the Moon. Her mane floated like an aurora on the cold night air.
In the formal, punctilious manner that Sunset often assumed when alone with Celestia, she sat and told what had occurred.
“…I can’t believe it was an ordinary nightmare, Princess. She recovered fast enough, but I thought for a minute she’d lost her mind.”
“And our little Twilight has no history of Nightsickness.” Celestia nodded solemnly, “I will ensure that all is well with her. Thank you, Sunset, for voicing such concern.”
"Forgive me, Princess…but I am concerned. I hear Twilight Sparkle dangerously Surged in her entrance exam. Then she ends up in this state, before term even starts! Are you sure about her?”
Only a shadow of latent power touched Celestia’s voice, but it pinned Sunset’s ears against her head.
“Twilight Sparkle is the student I chose. She means no less to me than you, Sunset Shimmer. And both you and she still have much to learn.”
“I don’t doubt it, Princess. I know she’s smart as anything, and, ah, touchingly keen. But under this pressure, are you sure she’ll survive? I know…I didn’t.”
Now Celestia shut her eyes, as her crowned head fell to her chest. Her voice was low, golden and insistent.
“You survived, Sunset. You stand before me, with every wrong you have done consigned to the past. Twilight Sparkle will survive, because you will be with her. Be strong, wherever her strength may fail. And if you continue to do right, from an earnest, humble heart, you will attain a most wonderful destiny.”
Sunset raised her head, earnest to the edge of defiance.
“I understand, Princess. I will. While I am still your student, I will do all you ask.”
“Sunset! You are my treasured student…I had hoped you simply came here to view the Moon beside me. It is most clear tonight. Would you care to stay?”
“Thank you, Princess, but sorry. I don’t feel I can sit still, right now.”
“I understand. Goodnight, Sunset.”
Celestia watched Sunset walk away. Then her gaze turned back to the sky, and the shadowy face stretched over the moon.
Nightmare Moon. The black Alicorn had power over dreams, even across the gulf of space. She had quickly found it impossible to poison Equestria’s ponies against their beloved Princess through nightmares. Love was stronger than fear, in the end. So she had nursed her malice through the years of exile, by torturing the weakest ponies at their weakest spots through her nightmare plague.
“Did you hurt Twilight Sparkle, Nightmare Moon?” Celestia’s whisper was a bolt to pierce the heavens, “She is too strong for you, just like Sunset. You will not harm my students. And soon, my sister, soon…two dear friends will take up the Elements again. As we saved all Equestria, they will truly save you.”
This sounds really good so far. I can't wait to read more.
Thanks hope to update soon :-}
I like the Premise. I understand that Sunset is keeping an eye on Twilight, but how is she doing it? Is the one question that comes to mind. The only other pointer I can give is that it got a little hard to follow who was doing or saying what in paragraph two. If I might be so bold as to make a writing suggestion it would be neat to tell a chapter from Sunsets perceptive
I can't wait to read some more. At the part where Celestia was looking at the flag, I think she was thinking of the time she and her sister were like Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle, as friends.
Some of this story needs an editor to take a look as it is quite hard to follow. However I do like the premise and maybe i'll continue to read this story. This story has earned a tracking but not a favourite.
7302288 Yep, Celestia was thinking about her estranged sister. That's a big part of the reason she has two proteges now, but let's hope history doesn't repeat itself with Twilight and Sunset...
Thanks very much for the comment and follow, next chpt coming soon!
This isn't bad. In fact, I'd call it okay.
The dialogue sounds relatively good for the most part, and you have pretty good descriptions throughout, and don't really get bogged down in exposition like so many others do.
However, it's far from perfect.
For one, and this is the most important, I never really felt a connection with the characters. When I read, I want to be drawn to them, to feel what they're feeling, to see their hopes and dreams. Here, in the intro chapter where I'd say it's arguably most important to get this, I don't get much of it. I felt distant from them, and that's never good for the main characters.
Two, I think it feels rushed. You're trying to get a lot of time across through the time jumps, which is all well and good, but it feels like you just rushed through each scene, never taking time to create an atmosphere, describe the scene and tone, delve into how the characters are feeling. Was Twilight trembling with delight at meeting the princess? Fear? How did she feel knowing she was one of only two ponies in Equestria to be direct students to the princess? How heart wrenching was it for her to have to leave her family-even temporarily-to live and study in the palace? How did Sunset feel to have an upstart with her? Is she just using a mask, or is her friendliness genuine? None of these are really explored, which is a damn shame.
Three, I think this chapter could and should have been much longer just so that you can explore the characters thoughts and feelings a bit more. It feels like you're just jumping through this opening chapter to get at something juicy in the next few chapters, and this is just "required" for the setup. Take your time, have fun with it. Additionally, it got a bit confusing at times-the segment with Trixie came out of nowhere, and I had to reread it three times to really understand what actually happened, and afterward I was wondering where the buildup was.
Honestly, there's quite a bit of potential here, and I'd love to see where this goes, but there are issues you need to iron out.
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You'll have to keep guessing how genuine Sunset's friendship is, for now; she goes further for Twilight than she needs to, but gets considerable benefit from the younger filly's research skills. I might make Sunset's life goal to succeed Celestia explicit in chpt 1, now, to hopefully make her more engaging. I tried as always to eschew surplusage in this story, but I'll see what I can do to respond to your comments. Thanks for making them, lots of readers in other fandoms wouldn't have bothered.
"Lualus"? Is this Luna and Celestia's father, an actual god, a god invented by religion, the deification of Luna (who's actually a stallion) on Celestia's part, or just the first alicorn? The name really brings Luna to mind so I would have guessed him to be a genderswapped Luna, but the creator deity stuff sort of messed that idea up. So now I'm just confused.
I like the Sunset Shimmer portrayal here, and how Twilight perceives her. Sunset's supremely talented, but at doing things, and despite not having friends she's still got social skills (especially in manipulating others). But while less skilled, Twilight outdoes even Sunset at knowing things. And the way Twilight blatantly looks up to her is frankly adorable--maybe that has a bit to do with why Sunset got over the filly stealing even more of the Princess's attention away from her?--although it reminds me a bit of Japanese-esque senpai/kouhai friendship. Sunset comes off as a good pony--an ambitious one, and not a nice one, but one who's heart is still in the right place.
Of course, like I said... Sunset's really good at manipulating other ponies.
Twilight, you absorb books like a black hole absorbs matter. You should already know that this is a bad phrase.
7311343 Lualus name is based on a gender-switched Lurue, the goddess unicorn in Dungeons and Dragons; think of the giant ghost Alicorn in Rainbow Rocks. I felt an Aslan-like figure would be easier than transplanting Christianity into MLP. We will soon see Lualus is currently very neglected by modern ponies who have some trouble with the idea of their creator being a stallion. Luna, on the other hand, is still Nightmare Moon...
Anyway thanks very much for the nice comments. Hopefully now everything will go fine with this story after all...
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Ah, Lurue. I would (probably) have recognized her if you hadn't switched the gender. So this Equestria is firmly matriarchal?
7312452 Not exactly matriarchal, but I think the Ponies have so many strong female figures, from 5 of the 6 founders to Celestia, that a male in the top spot is hard for them to believe in presently. It's similar to humans claiming that Christianity is patriarchal. But all this might not come into play as soon as all that...
I've heard something hilarious today! Only one of those three things haven't been in the show. That one thing would be religion. It's very clearly hinted at that Applejack's parents have died, and how else would you get a baby, other than having sex? The reason that religion has been excluded from the show is because...you know...it's not very friendly to the people who believe in other things. Just ask the Native Americans. Speaking of, even that has been brought up by the show, in the episode "The Last Roundup".
Also, in Victorian England, there were executions. Sure, Sombra EXPLODED...oh wait! That takes care of addressing death right there! Also, there's these annoying things called "children", which this show's target audience is supposedly supposed to be, and the writers of the show can't address religion, sex, or death blatantly, for fear of angering another annoying thing called "parents" and losing their target audience. Have I successfully made my point yet? Hell, we're lucky that we got to see the fight between Tirek and Twilight, because that was stretching that PG rating as far as they could!