The following statement was given by Snowdrift Maregay, Headpony of Riftsbridge village, to Lieutenant Shining Armour (attached to North Equestria Command through the officer exchange program), regarding the destruction of the village and bridge.
I first saw her crossing the bridge; her mane blazed like a signal fire through the mists. We barely ever see Unicorns in these snowy mountains, just squat brown Earths much like myself–but anypony could tell, she was no ordinary Unicorn. Looking for something, and in no lukewarm way. I’ve tended goats in this valley all my life; still can’t hardly imagine how she lived, with such fire under her rump. Still, she had a
smile like sunrise over Starfall Mountain. Never lost it, even when everypony else had lost hope.
Sorry, Officer. This was the morning after the day it started. Bright Eyes, the young District Post-pegasus, came swooping through our town crying that Yaks were coming. We all laughed then–she’s never been the sharpest tool in the barn–but that evening, everypony from the hamlet north of us galloped through, all but frothing at the mouth.
Three Yaks had marched into Northtown, they said. Monsters half as big as their shacks, smashing any handcart in their part; stinking like Yak-sized armpits full of rancid butter. Yatilla the Yak, they said, had claimed everything north of Rift Canyon as Yakyakistan’s rightful territory. He was doing it in the name of Prince Rutherford. If his horde found a single pony left when they marched in, that meant war, with all Equestria.
We’d just started packing our carts to leave, when this Unicorn (Never caught her name) trots into town and asks the way to Starfall Mountain. Somepony must’ve told her the state of things, since she went on to stand in the village square and call for attention.
She says, aren’t we Equestrians? Didn’t our great-grandfolks eke these homes and fields out of the mountainside? Aren’t we ponies of the greatest nation in history, and isn’t Celestia our Queen?
Nopony in our village had set eyes on the Princess, or dreamt of her Highness risking war over our frozen mountains and shacks. But this Unicorn talked of a mission from the Princess herself. She would fight through Tartarus to finish it, let alone a herd of brutish savages. She said a lot, and somehow we got the idea that these Yaks didn’t amount to much–that we would stay and fight. Her voice seemed to stroke everypony’s heart, and gently light up a fire.
The young colts started barricading the end of the valley straight away. I told them, there was nothing built by ponies Yaks couldn’t smash, but hadn’t any other ideas. The Unicorn mare just looked in this funny book where she’d been writing something an hour ago. Then she looked up, smiling fit to make a stallion wish himself twenty years younger.
She asked, had I read ‘The Defence of Donkey’s Drift’? She hadn’t read it either, but it apparently talked of a barrier no Yak could smash. And that ponies didn’t need to sit on a place to defend it.
Refugees from northerly villages poured in over the next day. A few of us stayed in the village with the foals and old folk, but most of us scrambled up the two hills, overlooking the northern paths into the valley. The Rift was to our south, and the snow-capped mountains to east and west are impassable. There was a tiny goat trail leading around between the Rift and the west mountain, but it would take the Yaks a day to circle round, if they ever found it. The Unicorn mare said she’d mined all the northern paths with her Gift, and sent a message to you fine Guard ponies. We just had to hang on long enough.
I’ll never forget the sight of the Yak horde. Or the smell, or the noise when they saw ponies ahead. They were covered in clanking armour and skulls of sheep; their horns were a forest of sharpened trees. Those red mouth gaped wider than our shaking bodies, as they roared out and thundered towards the valley. Explosions from the rocks underhoof threw a goodish number back, but most kept coming.
The unicorn mare timed it perfect. We were on the hills commanding the valley’s north end from both sides. Where the path narrowed ahead of the charge, we kicked down boulders about their ears. Yaks fell, the herd piled up behind them, and then we kicked down the special rocks into that howling mess. The mare had Gifted them to explode into a hundred red-hot daggers. I don’t know if we killed any; don’t know what could stop those monsters for good. But they don’t much like the Gift. It wasn’t long before they were charging back the way they’d come.
Within an hour, they were charging straight up the hills at us. Devouring the distance–but our rocks threw down even more of them, and when they got too close, the mare blasted them with fire, and they ran. Then she shouted at us to save our rocks for later, and vanished over to the opposite hill, where the Yaks had almost reached the top. In minutes, those Yaks were running too. Then she flashed back to our position, and fell down, spent. We held her up like the prize she was, and cheered ourselves warm against the frozen air.
The attack next morning was much weaker. We were all smiling, until Bright Eyes the Pegasus dropped in, shouting that the Yaks had found the western path. With the mountain at one shoulder, and the rift on the other, they were streaming towards the valley; even along the side of the mountain impassable to ponies.
The unicorn mare never stopped smiling. Her horn glowed for an instant–then half a million tons of snow and rock poured down the mountain’s far side. Don’t like to think about it, even if they were Yaks. Bright Eyes hardly stopped bragging how she’d flown up and set the charge, days ago. The unicorn mare, as I said, didn’t stop smiling for nothing.
She told us that afternoon about destroying the bridge. The Yaks would break through to the village whenever the next attacked, she said. We had to destroy the Yaks’ route into Equestria, by getting everypony still in the village across the bridge, before she blew it. Of course, that left both parties on the hills cut off without retreat, and our village smashed. But somehow she convinced us that mere fields and buildings meant less than victory; that our sacrifice in defence of Equestria would be remembered and rewarded. Thinking about it, I suppose she must have Gifted the bridge before the battle even began, but didn’t bring it up until we were in too far to turn back.
(By the by, Officer, we will be getting some bits for our poor wrecked village, won’t we? We were promised, in Celestia’s name…and it was really the unicorn mare who blew up the bridge, and maybe started a war. We’re not staying around here if there is war, so we would truly need those Bits soon…very well, Officer. Thank you)
Anyway, the Yaks broke through, smashed our village into the hillside and messed in the ruins, as I suppose you can tell…sorry, Officer. Give me a moment. Then she destroyed the bridge, and we were surrounded. A few Northtown ponies tried to sneak off in the night; I saw one of them ambushed by Yaks buried under snow. They aren’t true, are they, Officer? The stories about what Yaks do to their prisoners?
They thronged all over the hillsides, chanting and roaring up threats. The unicorn mare always shouted back that we’d enough Gifted rocks to blast them all. In truth, we had barely any left. But she kept on smiling, until she opened that funny glowing book of hers again, and started to scream at everypony at once.
It was that underground watercourse; runs from the top of the hill to its base. I’d had sworn it was too small for Yaks, but they must’ve smashed a way through. They came out on the summit of our hill, roaring for vengeance. We were ready with the last of our Gifted rocks, but they were charging uphill as well.
The last time I saw that unicorn mare with the fiery mane, a Yak with gold on its horns was charging her. She had just blasted another beast away, a cliff was at her back–she vanished, flashed up behind the charging Yak and kicked it. The great monster teetered on the brink, snarling with reckless, inequine hate. Her Gift must have been spent, because she threw her shoulder against the beast–they both went off the side of the hill.
We fought on all we could, with spears, hooves and teeth, against monsters big as the shacks they’d wrecked. I don’t how we did it–we would’ve been killed, Sir, if you hadn’t dropped from that flying chariot, blasting every Yak off the hillside with your marvellous shield. Thank you, Officer. Thank you, for everypony’s sake.
What happened to the Unicorn? Well, after you brave Guards saw the Yaks off, Bright Eyes told me she’d found her, half-way down the hill. Injured–but she made off towards Starfall Mountain, as soon as she was on her hooves. Limping; never stopping or turning back.
Bright Eyes flew after her as a guide, though I fair screamed at her that all the northerly mountains were full with fleeing Yaks. But that Unicorn mare had a mission from Princess Celestia, and to finish it meant more than her life. That’s who she was, Officer. That was how she led us. Never give up. Never surrender. Though all Tartarus stood in her way.
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A week later, crystals in her saddlebag, Sunset pushed aside the door to Celestia’s throne room. The Princess smiled proudly at her, as she turned away from Twilight, who rushed to Sunset and joyfully nuzzled behind her ears.
“Sunset, I’m so glad you’re safe!”
“Yeah, I noticed." Sunset grinned as she stroked Twilight's mane, "Guess you couldn’t wait.”
“Actually, I called Twilight here to congratulate her,” Celestia’s pure voice pricked at Sunset’s ears, “Her tactical advice through the journal was invaluable to your success.”
“Oh, but Princess, it really was Sunset’s success!” Backing away from her friend, Twilight flashed a heartfelt, perhaps slightly nervous smile between Princess and student, “She had to react and decide, inspire ponies to fight, and even risk her own life! Please, tell Sunset that she’s done the best, and, and that you care for her more than anypony! It would mean, I mean, I think that would be good...”
“Twilight, of course.” Celestia bent to look her older student in the eye, “Sunset, you did splendidly. Your courage and resource saved the lives of many ponies–”
“Just tell me if I started a war.”
Sunset was impressed with Twilight’s nerve, and she knew she meant well. But whatever Celestia would’ve said, she wished Twilight had left her unprompted to say it.
“As I wrote to you, Yatilla the Yak was exiled from Yakyakistan last year, for poor personal hygiene and an attempted coup,” Celestia hid any irritation at being interrupted, “He certainly had no right to claim land in Rutherford’s name. I understand that he survived his fall from a cliff, but has been recalled to Yakyakistan. I rather doubt that we’ll be hearing from him again.”
“Princess? Did you know this would happen when you sent me north?”
“Oh no. There were rumours; nothing to justify pointing a Guard battalion at our most sensitive border. So I sent my very brilliant, very resolute student to investigate the area–as I did ask you to do, while you retrieved the gemstones–and deal with any situation as she saw fit. I do need you girls, both of you. Your talents and your trust, as I trust you.”
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“But, why didn’t the Princess warn you?”
“She wanted to test me," Back at her new tower with Twilight, Sunset swigged her tea, "Or she thought I’d start a real war, with time to prepare. As it is, everypony’s furious with all Yaks now. Celestia's friendship treaty won’t be possible for years.”
“Oh. Still, Celestia must have been pleased when she gave you this.”
“You’re so optimistic, Twilight. Innocent, almost."
Twilight certainly loved the ivory-stoned tower Sunset had received for her post-graduate studies' especially the room with books piled to the ceiling. She had referred to it as a heavenly idyll, and spent all her time there with Sunset, since her senior had returned from the north.
“Sunset?” Twilight adjusted her glasses, nervously, “Have you heard, Trixie…?”
“I know. Flash told me.” Sunset gazed into her cup sourly. She preferred coffee, but Celestia drank tea, “I suppose I’ll get blamed for that as well.”
Trixie’s bullying of Moondancer had continued through second year, quietly enough that neither Twilight nor Sunset had noticed. It had all come out soon after third year began. Unable to quietly bear another year of insults, scorn and extortions, Moondancer had secretly used the Gift on Trixie’s hairspray, so that her prized silver mane resembled a very sick privet hedge.
Twilight had spoken up for Moondancer, and Celestia had let her off with the lightest warning, citing ‘severe provocation’. Trixie had been enraged; she had ranted at all the teachers, and even Celestia herself, to no avail. So she had likewise taken matters into her own hooves.
Fortunately, both Moondancer and Twilight had been trotting home late from the library. When a floating rope had yanked Moondancer from the path and dragged her whimpering through a copse, Twilight had plunged after her. She’d knocked Trixie out with a stun blast, as soon as she appeared. The blue filly had been poised with lot of rope, a lot of paint, a ball gag and a coat-clipper.
Trixie had looked likely to fail her Third Year in any case. She took the option of voluntarily leaving the school as soon as given, defiant to the end;
“None of you understood the greatness of Trixie anyway! Nopony in this school has the same flair for the Gift as I, but you failed to nurture my gifts, or give me training fit for my talents! You’ll rue the day you humiliated the great and powerful Trrr-ixie!”
Her vanishment in a puff of smoke had been forestalled by a Guard, who'd thought she had a bomb. She had been frogmarched out, in a hysterical state.
“It’s a shame,” Twilight mused, to Sunset, “She could be affable when she wanted, generous to ponies who liked her. She had her talents too. Book learning just wasn’t one of them, and I don’t think the teachers tried another way.”
“In some ways, she was like me,” Sunset brooded, “I could have told her things, if I’d taken the chance, or known what to say. Or if she’d ever have listened. Celestia told me she was heading off the rails. She told me to stop her.”
Twilight put down her teacup and went to Sunset, draping both forelegs over her shoulders.
“You fought off a Yak army, Sunset. How is it that worries can beat you? I bet you smiled, all through that battle. Now you’ve got your latest prize, it’s nothing but more bad dreams. I think, whatever your future holds, you’re going to beat it. You’re an amazing pony. You’re a heroine.”
“You know me so well...” Sunset grinned, and lowered her eyelids, “I’ve got another trip soon. You can use this place anytime while I’m gone.”
“Thanks! Um, could I invite other ponies over as well?”
“I guess. The first floor at least. While I’m gone.”
Twilight may have known Sunset well, but she still did not know about the mirror, and would never ask. Sunset wouldn’t have put it past Lyra or Lemonhearts to inquire about the subject in front of Twilight, and that would only end with somepony getting hurt.
Sunset continued to clean and tune an old guitar. Twilight watched her, pretending to read. It was moments like these, when rapt admiration lay bare in her junior’s eyes, that Sunset dreamt of those eyes flooded with horror and disgust. If Twilight ever learned that she had struck–tried to kill–her Princess and teacher, the pony she should have adored.
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“Well done, Sunset. You may not have saved Equestria on your trip to the Grittish Isles, but this golden mistletoe will be vital to
Twilight’s new project. And I see you’ve also brought a box of their famous scones, with jam and, mmmm! clotted cream. Thank you. Would you care for one?”
“No thanks, Princess. Too sweet for my taste.”
Celestia and Sunset were alone in the Princess’s sitting room; Twilight was buried in the library ahead of midterms. The Princess took a minute to savour the scones, before asking Sunset if all was well.
“You should know that I’m very pleased with your progress, Sunset. You’ve wonderfully encouraged Twilight’s growth, as a true friend should. Your post-graduate studies have already come so far, I hardly know how to challenge you!”
“I could...forgive me, Princess.”
“Not at all. Speak your mind.”
“Princess, I’ve shown you that I can inspire ponies, lead them. Even be a friend. I…think you could give me a post of leadership, for a time, in the Royal Guards or in Canterlot. You’ve taught me much of the Gift, but if I’m not ready for more...there are other ways I can help Equestria and her ponies.”
“Yes. You could be an excellent Guard Officer; you could excel in any field you chose. But an Equestrian Princess must develop her own original Gifting; you know this. Do not lose heart. You will be ready, soon.”
“Princess...When?”
“My dear Sunset. Remember what impatience once cost you.”
“Yes. I remember,” Sunset’s ears twitched, an instant, before her body rose and stiffened, “Just tell me, please. How long will I have to pay for what I did? How long until we go back to the way we were?”
“Sunset. One way or another, nothing ever returns to the way it was.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry…”
“And I forgive you, Sunset. I forgave before you sought it, because you are my precious, beloved student–but redemption is something else. You must seek it yourself, though it cannot be earned. Perhaps it is a miracle of Lualus, beyond anything the Unicorn’s Gift might achieve.” Sunset stared into the fireplace, restraining an urge to scream.
“I said sorry. Every pony I hurt in my First Year. I threw myself at their hooves; I did everything you told me. Diamond Broach was the only filly who wouldn’t say she forgave me. I suppose I hardly deserved it…but, all I did was scare her out of a Fall Formal crown! Should I do something more for her?”
“On no. Her forgiveness is her own affair.” After a moment of silence, Celestia’s great eyes looked into Sunset’s “Twilight Sparkle looks up to you a great deal. Have you discussed your past with her?”
“No, I mean yes!” Sunset fought to not look away, “Almost everything.”
“Almost?”
“She loves you, Princess. She’s an innocent, sweet filly; she’d never understand, she’d never forgive me. You don’t want that–”
“If she does not forgive, Twilight is not the pony I took her for. If you can admit your greatest failure, to the pony whose love has gained you so much...you will be ready. Your studies will progress, with such direction and pace as you desire.”
“Do you want me to bring you the Dragonlord’s sceptre?” Sunset’s vision fogged. Words spilt from her mouth like a broken pot, “The idol of Boreas, Orion’s crown, and Starswirl the Bearded’s favourite toothpick! I would find them all, and never see your face until I had, Princess. I’d scrub hay kitchen floors, for years! But I don’t want to sacrifice my best friend!”
“Good, Sunset. Very good,” A grin of hope flashed over Sunset's lips, until Celestia smiled, sadly, “But exploits still greater would not prove you a good pony. Not to me, and not to yourself.”
“I…! I’ve done bad things, but I’m not–a bad pony!”
“Oh, Sunset.” The smile glowed with loving pity, ‘Bad things’?”
“Princess, you said my sins were banished to the past!” Sunset heard the words burst out, “My past is not today!”
“No. But it seems you must confront your past, to heal your present self. I’m sorry, Sunset. Any pony who would receive redemption must understand that they can never deserve it.”
“T-then how, why should I ever…?”
Celestia let out a millennial sigh that chilled her pupil's world. Then she smiled.
“That is why all of us need friends, Sunset. Trust me; Twilight Sparkle is your friend.”
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“Sunset? Are you...okay?”
“Yeah, sure. Why not?”
Sunset pulled several books off a shelf, threw herself onto a chair, and tried to read. Twilight similarly occupied herself, as a light drizzle crackled off the ivory tower’s roof. Twilight finally put her book down, and breathed in like a diver on a cliff.
“Sunset, you can talk to me about anything, you know?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you’d broken up with Starry Flash?”
“Oh, yeah, nearly two months ago. Sorry, it didn’t seem worth mentioning.”
“What?” Twilight crossed the room to Sunset’s side, “You went crazy over that love poison, but now he’s ‘not worth mentioning’? What does that mean?”
“It just died a death, you know? He made this whole speech, how I was hardly around these days, I was a great mare, but ‘not what he was looking for’–I couldn’t believe his nerve, but that was that. Hey, now you can ask him out! If he hurts you, I’ll beat him into glue.”
“Uh, thanks but no thanks. What about you, Sunset? What are you going to do to get him back?”
“Nothing much–he didn’t break my heart. I’m going to be much more than the girl at school with perfect grades and a hot stallion. Maybe I’ll find another consort, or I’ll leave the mushy stuff to that bimbo Cadenza. And his grades had been dropping all this year–said his band was more important than perfect scores. You might say he was a flash in the pan.”
Sunset stopped talking and looked at Twilight. She wasn’t fidgeting, at all–she was in deathly shock, Sunset realised, and something hard was growing in her eyes
“…Princess Cadence was my foalsitter. I told you. She isn’t a bimbo.”
“Oh, sorry, Twilight, I forgot...”
“Starry Flash is a good pony, really good. I really cared about him–and I thought you did! How could you just practically let him go, when he was no more use to you?”
Tears stood out in Twilight’s eyes. Perhaps it had been a schoolfilly crush–but if Sunset hadn’t known the depth of even Twilight's shallowest
passions, she knew now. She sighed and stood to face her.
“Twilight, I cared for him. Not so much as you did–”
“It isn’t just him. You used Snips and Snails all the time. You didn’t care about Trixie, or Moondancer. I’m sorry, Sunset…why do you treat ponies like props you can use or ignore?”
“I mean to become a Princess, Twilight.” Sunset spoke through clenched teeth, “That means eyes on the goal, above all else.”
“But, Celestia always tells us, put other ponies above ourselves. I think, if you want to make her proud–”
“Celestia is a Princess. I will put Equestria above myself, and pour out my blood for her, when I have got to where she is!”
“No, Sunset, that’s not right!” Twilight almost looked shocked as Sunset, but righteous indignation drove her voice, “Selfless love comes from the heart; it wouldn’t magically appear with a crown and wings! As your friend, I, I even think it would be better you didn’t become a Princess, until–”
“Just…be quiet, Twilight.” Sunset’s nostrils flared, ominously slow, “You don’t know a thing about friendship I didn’t teach you!”
“Friendship must be easy,” Twilight’s voice was quiet, “When you care about nopony but yourself. That’s must be why Celestia favours me, why I have more than one friend–”
The chair behind Twilight smashed into the wall. Sunset lowered her head, barely holding back.
“Get out. Get out! Go and rot in a library, like the USELESS COWARD YOU ARE!”
Twilight ran from the tower into the rain. She spent the rest of the evening weeping into Minuette’s neck, calling herself names, and trying feebly to invent a Technique for time travel. Sunset broke half-a-dozen quills trying to write a report on baking Techniques for Celestia, before reaching for her guitar.
Two feeble notes were all that came. She hugged the instrument to her chest and slumped to the floor of her silent tower. Eventually, she fell asleep.
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Oh, Sunset. Why lie here, trembling and feeble? Why should that bookish fool bring you down–the most brilliant, worthy unicorn alive in this world?
No. I’m a bad pony. A demon. She forgave me, so many sins–all for nothing, nothing, I’m nothing! I can’t help anypony. I don’t deserve a single friend!
My dear Sunset, the strongest pony can do nothing, if they are forced to submit. Can you imagine Celestia abdicating her throne? She will frustrate you with useless tasks, until she has a pretext to destroy you.
No! She forgave me…
She will not do so again. Power is the stamp of a Princess, not enfeebling love. The power of your Gift, the path you must make for yourself. The only way to escape your past. Listen to me.
As Sunset writhed, in the glistening blue fog, a black muzzle was lowered to her ear. Panting in anticipation, then whispering…
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Waking next morning, Sunset only recalled a rather pleasant dream. Lost in a vast herd of ponies, she had struck out like a swimmer to reach her goal. Twilight had been there, as the herd had warped and twisted, into insectile monsters–but she had burnt a path through. Trampling down the last two creatures, and routing their hideous queen, she had swept Twilight off her feet. Twilight had wept for her forgiveness, for all the vile things she had said…
“Yeah. Not that simple,” The fiery unicorn sighed to herself, “Sunset, you stupid cow.”
After cleaning up the broken chair, she spent the morning finding out obscure Techniques she knew her friend would love. She was trying to make an unconstrained apology to the mirror, when the knock came.
The second thing Sunset saw outside was the shining sky; the dome-shield cast over the entire palace grounds. The first thing she saw was the Royal Guard squad led by Shining Armour.
Twilight had gone on and on about her brother’s gentle kindness–but ‘huge muscular hotness’ had understandably not figured in her description. Sunset casually let her mane fall over one eye, and unleashed her most coquettish smile.
“Captain. Congratulations on your promotion. To what do I owe this pleasure?”
Twilight had also forborne to mention the fury that blazed from her brother's eyes. His horn crashed against Sunset’s; his words were arrows of ice.
“You need to come with us, Sunset Shimmer. You need to answer some questions with the truth.”
“I’m sure the Princess can–”
“The Princess is attempting to treat two fillies who were attacked last night. My sister’s friends. You’re going to come with us, before I do anything I won’t regret.”
Hours before the dawn, everypony in the dormitories had woken to Lemonhearts’ screams. She had been dragged to the infirmary thrashing and bucking. Trying to sink teeth into her fetlocks. And the first pony to leave the room for help had found Minuette, both forelegs broken, at the foot of the stairs. Twitching, in the death-spasm of nightmare that no death could end.
Both had talked, before being placed in merciful comas. Only of what had been done to them, and that Sunset Shimmer had done it.
In her dealings with Sunset, Celestia was deeply cruel, and worse, she appeared to be quite sincere. Whatever lessons she learnt from Nightmare Moon's inception she has apparently forgotten them all in the 990-odd years of crowded solitude.
And as said way back in chapter 1, Sunset hadn't really changed in the deepest essentials. She is still the same mare that believes perfection the spring of love and acceptance.
And when she thinks she's lost it...
It's darkly impressive that Princess Celestia's reform of Sunset somehow screwed her up even more than the mainline... I suppose she just doesn't do well with family...
It feels like Celestia is being a bit spiteful towards Sunset if I'm honest; much more than I think she has ever been shown to be in the show, to the point of almost being vindictive. In the show at least, she is shown to be a lot more lenient even towards someone like Discord. Who knows though? Maybe dear Celestia has some particular reason for her vitriol against Sunset. If such a reason exists and is revealed at a later point in the narrative, I implore you to not tell me. I would wish to see the reason for myself rather than have someone feed it to me.
Other than my apprehensions towards Celestia's characterization, I also felt that the pacing of the scene where Twilight confronts Sunset was a bit off or; Twilight's frustrations with Sunset's attitude were not made as prominent as they might need to have been. Twilight's mood changes far too quickly: from one moment being worried about Sunset's well-being to the next making petulant remarks toward Sunset. I imagine that the reason for Twilight's mood shift are Sunset's comments, especially those directed at Cadance. However this is not properly conveyed through the dialogue that has been written. Instead of relying solely on the dialogue to convey Twilight's feelings, try to also include descriptions of what she is doing while conversing with Sunset. Such descriptions can be used to describe facial expressions or actions that a character takes and can be used to more convey what a character is feeling. These descriptions are invaluable when writing a dialogue heavy scene as not only do they help your narrative but also help the reader stay immersed as the scene plays out rather than just imagining the disembodied heads of the characters talking while maintaining a perfect poker-face.
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Putting all that aside though, I must say I am greatly enjoying your story and am looking forward to the next chapter's release.
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There are no changes to 'The Fall of Sunset Shimmer' but I expanded and split the first chpt, so all the chpts from 3 have been bumped up one. Most of the new content, such as it is, is in chpt 1. It was a bit naughty of me, but I still felt my first chpt wasn't a great hook, especially for the Nightmare Moon plotline that should carry us through to the end from here. Thanks for reading :-)
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>Nightmare Moon plotline
Would you forgive me for complete apathy toward this particular part? Frankly speaking, I'm much more interested in the interactions of the characters already introduced, these three are enough to tell a good story.
On the side note. Some kitchen talk guest episode with completely unrelated characters discussing current events of the story could be nice. It is a good way to sum up outsider's perspective, which is yet to be present. BTW, Trixi's perspective could be nice as well.
7508196 Yeah, you said. I promise the focus will stay squarely on Twi-Sun-Cel, NM is there to give them a problem and test of their friendship, she'll be doing a lot of lurking. I mean to do a little more with Black Snooty than the show did, however.
Minuette's friends will definitely have something to say about Sunset apparently taking her and Lemons out. Trixie and the horn 5 will have a bit more focus, probably chpt after next, then in about four chpts time after the Summer Sun Festival, as the plot works out.
What happened in the last two chapters? It went from mildly interesting to WTF disjointed so suddenly. It also almost feels like writers suddenly changed, these last few chapters seem different, lower quality, or at least less thought through.
7522207 Constructive criticism is a vital part of creation, but when it causes the writer to cancel the story, however briefly, it isn't fulfilling it's purpose.
Though the last two chapters have used varied presentations, the themes of Sunset's troubled relationships, and extreme measures to cover her insecurity, have been progressively developed. Helping Twilight meet A.K.Yearling, and risking a war to run Celestia's errand were consistent plotting, not 'wtf disjointed'. The parts with Trixie and Daring Doo were amply foreshadowed; they respectively showed that Sunset cares more about achievements than ponies, compared to Twilight, and gave an outside perspective on their relationship.
Clearly I could have communicated all this better; I will be rewriting these chapters, but not substantially. In future, please don't use backhand compliments like 'mildly interesting' in comments, unless you really want to cause hurt. I would suggest what could be done to make the story work, like fuller justification of Sunset's presence in the north, and write something encouraging so the criticism may be acted on.
7526904 Mate, if I wanted to be truly hurtful, there are much more efficient means of doing it. Also, just a word of advise on that part, the worst thing you could do is to spell out in clear text that it succeeded and to reveal what buttons to push for future attacks. I am literally nobody here, so it is best if you steel your will and fortitude now, because if a faceless mook like myself can grind things to a halt, what are you going to do when a true senpai of FiMFiction writing (especially some of the more acerbic members) fires a shot?
However, my blunt and not surprisingly unhelpful comments are just that, not surprisingly unhelpful, flat truth. The pony way of explaining it would be that I've always done the Sugarcoat thing before Sugarcoat was a thing (or even existed). For me, this was a mildly interesting story (truth: look at the date I replied compared to the chapter posting dates for the last two) because it contained Sunset and that is it. Sure I could have said things like, I feel the transitions at times are too jarring and abrupt, I can't seem to believe that you are actually getting into the headspace of your characters and approaching these scenarios from their perspectives, or that I felt reading the Celestia of the last chapter is fully a different entity then the one that appears in the beginning chapters. Other things too, but it would be pointless as I could tell you have hung your hat on the one overriding trait of Sunset is going to be her lust for power/position/authority as her most defining characteristic.
7527203 Your comments, or those of a 'sempai', could be both valid and encouraging, and we could both have been happy. The points ending your second comment are valid, have already been brought up, and I need to change them. Sunset has other characteristics; courage, the ability to inspire others, a real need for Twilight's friendship and Celestia's regard. Ambition and pride are just the fatal flaws that pervade her character; remember this is Sunset pre-friendship laser. I'm going through the story to make sure those qualities come out, so please only reply with positive suggestions how I can achieve that.
> Ambition and pride are just the fatal flaws that pervade her character;
Please, do tell me this guy isn't prideful.
Or that this girl shouldn't have ambitions.
Furthermore, there is this undeniable truth.
7529253 Ambition and even pride (self-regard?) are certainly useful in moderation, but Sunset has them immoderately, at present. It clouds her judgement and poisons her happiness, because she's never content with what she has. The most valuable quality for very ambitious, talented person would be actually be humility, or failure and success will both destroy them.
Those qualities will make you design good programs, and benefit society, but relationships need love, healthy humility and faithful perseverance; they're important for everyone's happiness too. This issue isn't strictly story related, so could you pm me with any reply, rather than another comment?
>Ambition and even pride (self-regard?) are certainly useful in moderation,
Good to hear ! Many would disagree.
>but Sunset has them immoderately, at present.
Which isn't an evil or bad thing per se as long as they remain in check. Her problem is that she refuses to set with anything except the very best, i.e. perfecionism. It is a different thing than pride and again isn't an evil thing per se either (though in many cases it may cause trouble), it's only a problem that, given time, usually dissipates on its own. The really bad thing is insufficient restraint and respect to law (both written and unwritten). Than again, in your writing at least partially it is Celestia's fault, since she refuses to openly discuss the matter with Sunset, resorting to very cryptic and frustrating 'reasons', causing frustration to build up and eventually overcome reason. Open discussion could do wonders.
As a side note. The seven sins in the modern Christian tradition are an edited list. Pride was merged with Vainglory (Vanity) and pride itself was more about narcissim and self-importance. Pride in the sense 'I put high stadards for myself' was much more tolerated, furthermore pride(honor) of royal knights was more or less recognised AFAIK. Officer's pride(honor) is widely recognised even today. So apparent disagreement with Christian tradition here is just that: apparent. (and probably exploited)
>The most valuable quality for very ambitious, talented person would be actually be humility
> but relationships need love, healthy humility and faithful perseverance;
I will put this together, if you don't mind.
Humility in the sense 'there are other people whose needs and rights I have to think about before claiming something for myself' is undeniably required in society, there is no question about it. It isn't, however, a virtue. It is a requirement for functional existence of individual within society, a social rule, and nothing more. Which, as I recall, Sunset does have, even if she could use some more of it. That can be worked with.
Humility in the sense 'I mean nothing and I am nothing' is a sure way to lack of any drive and becoming, well, nothing. And that's not raising the question 'wtf should I care about my meaning in the grand scheme of things, when I care about only selected few? And the best way to learn my meaning in them is to, well try to do something?'
Humility in the sence of 'submitting to God and Legal Authority' is something that your Sunset does have in great abudance. Unfortunately, it is not enough for her God, what a pity.
So, what humility Sunset lacks and that was not mentioned? Please tell me.
On the other hand, Nitcshe (He was a loony, no doubt, but sometimes even a madman says something worth considering) said "When stepped on, a worm doubles up. That is clever. In that way he lessens the probability of being stepped on again. In the language of morality: humility." The idea is, that thouse who feel threatened by the passionate people, try to teach them humility. This is a way to make passion look worthless and go away. Projecting this onto your writing, we see that Celestia is trying to teach Sunset humility. While there is no enough evidence for a solid conclusion, there is enough evidence for a suspicion here.
>The most valuable quality for very ambitious, talented person would be actually be humility or failure and success will both destroy them.
Actually, the best quality in that regard would be an absolute lack of hope. Hope is a scary feeling, when it is here it eats you and when it is crushed, you are crushed as well. The Architect of Destiny is a god of hope among other things. Lack of hope and acceptance of defeat, i.e. default pessimism has a positive side in that any surprise you may have would be a nice one. For some odd reason people doesn't like to hear that life isn't fair and for some reason shutting oneself from caring isn't considered to be a good thing
7529583 Sunset's perfectionism is a consequence of her pride, which is thinking at heart of herself and her aims as fundamentally more important than anypony. If I haven't highlighted her self-centredness more, its so she would stay likable, and these really aren't her only qualities. But she can't accept failure or even delay, breaks rules, goes too far, and doesn't trust Celestia like Twilight does.
Until we have less crime, selfishness, and over reaction to criticism, I submit that humility as you described it is not universal, but needs to be cultivated as a virtue. Sunset's submission to Celestia is partly unhappy and insincere. With more trust, she would have told Celestia about her issues when asked in year 1 part 1, and Celestia might have encouraged her more, rather than assuming things were okay. As she assumed Sunset would accept that a proud ruler rules for the ultimate good of their ego, not their people, and must be taught humility first. Which is what I myself assumed my readers would accept, so I should have Celestia tell that to Sunset plainly.
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>which is thinking at heart of herself and her aims as fundamentally more important than anypony.
Excuse me, but what else do you want? Of course everyone keeps their own needs and wants closer to their heart, because they are, well, felt by them in person. Sunset is not a changeling to feel what others feel. Social conditioning only gives another personal aim: to help other, it doesn't change the situation above in the slightest. Even god himself does not require it, because He says ''Love your neighbor as yourself'. He does not expect you to put aims of others above your own, He asks you to have another aim, rooted in your love, i.e. yourself.
>doesn't trust Celestia like Twilight does.
... I fail to see anything wrong with it, especially given this Celestia is not a god and make mistakes. Especially since you gave us evidence of her... inability to think so.
>so I should have Celestia tell that to Sunset plainly.
I recommend to think carefully about it.
As your writing is at the moment, neither Celestia nor Sunset are perceived to be completely in the right or in the wrong. Dropping this ambivalence would make the work much more shallow and cut a lot of potential drama. If your plans require that there was no questions about it, than OK. I probably shall drop it than.
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Finally got round to a comprehensive edit, including the Celestia-Sunset and Twilight-Sunset conversations in most recent chpt. I believe there have been comments that Celestia doesn't seem to realise how unreformed Sunset is. Cpt 7 was her showing that she knowns. By getting Sunset to risk Twilight's idolised view of her and confront how bad she was in the past, Celestia puts her hoof on the way Sunset can truly change.
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I decided to put your suggested 'outsider viewpoint' in chpt 6, since so much is going on next chpt.
7575632 Looks much better now, honestly. It's amazing what just a few changed words or phrases can do. Furthermore I'm also enthused to see that you changed the ending of this chapter to be a little more ambiguous as to what has occured.
> I need to kill you to make that happen, and I can't lose!!
Really? Sunset is a smart filly, she can do better than that. When brute strength doesn't work, toxin or despair do. And they would leave a lot of scars, much more than a mere fight. (which, frankly speaking, isn't dire enough to justify current unease)
>Any pony who would receive redemption must understand that they can never deserve it.”
Dude, this is even more cruel than the previous version. Really. I dunno where you got this sick idea. Besides, it's absolutely idiotic: the past, whatever it is, is in the past and thus, does not exist anymore. What is important is today because it already exists and future that will become present. Repeated return to the past is just plain unhealthy.
-- added
OK, I think I have to elaborate.
The thing is, the sentiment that 'forgiveness/redemption is always undeserved' is, in my opinion, not the tool to inflict a guilt complex, but quite the contrary: it means that whatever evil deeds you committed you may *hope* for forgiveness, and similarly, no matter how much you was wronged, said feeling is not the reason to deny forgiveness. But said to the person seeking forgiveness/redemption as a reason to deny it... Yeah, it is a very possible way to push the seeker into 'then let me be evil' attitude.
-- To sum what I got after re-read: it reads a bit smoother, but dear Celly sometimes is a total sadist under guise of holy (or an idiot), and Sunset hit the idiots plank at least once (see above). Dunno if it was intentional. Personally I would love if it was intentionally, but that's unlikely.
7591040 It was a stupid decision, Sunset was in quite a state at the time.You've made me think that Celestia should feel a bit more guilt and responsibility over Sunset, but those things wouldn't change her current actions. What did you mean by toxin or despair?
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Sunset is not strong enough to overpower Celestia, and Sunset knows it. She does, however, know what Celestia is emotionally attached to (or thinks so). Said attachments are a lot more vulnerable, and if Celestia is hit hard enough by the loss, she may decide she doesn't want to live anymore and solve the problem herself. Or, she may be convinced so.
Similarly, Celestia still eats sometimes, implying that there is some metabolism in this big body of her. If there is a metabolism, there are poisons for it.
If Sunset is pissed enough and she really decides to inflict harm, the above ways are much more realistic than direct confrontation and she should know it. Furthermore, Sunset is SMART. I can buy it that she could lash out the moment her plans failed, but given time to think the brain should kick in and give some more realistic idea how to inflict harm.
> those things wouldn't change her current actions.
Not actions. Words. Words can inflict a lot more harm than actions. Actions are restricted by what is possible and needed, words are not and represent intentions and thoughts. Not only the wordings currently employed are downright cruel *, but Celestia is yet to give a clear plank to hit, and uncertainty is a torture on its own. Sometimes downright denial is more merciful.
Additionally, as you write Sunset in late chapters... she has a heavy guilt complex **, or at least I read it so. It isn't healthy either, and definitely not a right way to redemption. It is, however, a good tool in emotional enslavement and/or a common sign of depression. Dunno if it was intentional.
* Essencially, Celestia said that Sunset will never be worth redemption, i.e. she would never *deserve* what she aims for. Since Celestia set redemption as a prerequisite for further advancement, Sunset can never achieve what she aims for under her own power, but only be given as a charity. This is not something anybody would be happy with, less so a person building self-esteem on hard work and deserved reward.
** see RL section http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GuiltComplex
7592929 Interesting point that Sunset never criticises Celestia personally, only her actions, even when Celestia harshly condemns her. I think she still can't help but revere Celestia in her heart (this may change with future events). So she could've hurt Celestia more verbally, but she really hasn't got a chance of killing her in any way. Celestia's line about Sunset valuing her ambition above her life implies that Sunset actually hoped, on some level, to force Celestia to kill her.
Sunset's past failure is the clearest symptom of her insecurity and self-centeredness; by fully accepting her past mistakes she can deal with her present serious flaws. Celestia isn't saying that Sunset cannot be forgiven but that forgiveness will be a gracious gift of love from friends who accept her failings, not something she earns by great achievements without dealing with her past.
>Celestia's line about Sunset valuing her ambition above her life implies that Sunset actually hoped, on some level, to force Celestia to kill her.
I'd say that attacking Celestia's attachment would be more efficient in this case as well, only making it in specific manner (expecting to be killed)
>Sunset's past failure is the clearest symptom of her insecurity and self-centeredness;
Respectfully, but you are currently writing about a filly, who never had a real emotional bond with anyone except her mentor and parents (was it because of personal choice or not is irrelevant, but given her position is a likely outcome). Furthermore, the parents are distanced because of separate life, and honestly, Celestia is a teacher and not a person easy to connect to, she is more like a force of nature here. Basically, you are expecting a completely lone person to care about something other than herself. With no bonds there is nothing for the filly to care except herself and her own opinion of herself. It is unwise to expect altruism before reasonably strong bonds are formed or empathy is developed, and both usually happen in later years. Sure it is possible to condition Sunset with a code of conduct, and this is what you wrote. But this is not a true feeling, and will never be until said bonds or empathy are developed. Which may happen rather lately or not happen at all.
So, yes, Sunset is self-centered. So what? It is neither her fault, nor is a crime on itself, but completely expected outcome of her upbringing. Blaming her for that may be tempting (and I guess what canon does), but completely unjustified.
And as for insecurity... Newsflash! when you are repeatedly said that you failed, it is pretty expected to have worries.
Interstingly, canon Twilight was similar before her visit to ponyville, though may be (and very likely) more conditioned. And some of it persisted well after said visit (I mean, lesson zero anyone?)
As a side note. It seems to me, that you put some altruism before emotional bonds (love and friendship). It is other way around: friendship and love build empathy, and with empathy comes altruism. A person completely lone from birth will know no love, no friendship, no empathy and of course, no altruism. Only emotional bonds with living persons, preferably a lot of them may give that.
Probably, one way to deal with Sunset's issues would be to put her into acting army. Or a pirate crew. Or any team with long-term success dependent on trust and well-being of every member.
> Celestia isn't saying that Sunset cannot be forgiven
First. My issue here is different.
What Celestia is saying, can be summed as that Sunset will not progress further before she accepts that she does not deserve to progress further, or at least it may be read this way.
I mean, really? WTF? How she may accept further progress if she decides herself unworthy? Personal integrity, anyone? The wording chosen is very unfortunate in this regard.
Second, see above. Sunset's self-centeredness makes it so that she can't care less about what others think she care only what she thinks about herself (which isn't actually a bad thing on its own). Sunset has no friends, you wrote her so. Maybe Twilight, but she was not seriously wronged by Sunset yet. Meaning that part about forgiveness is unsurprisingly completely lost on Sunset: she doesn't give a damn about forgiveness. Consequently, she has no idea what Celestia wants from her other than admitting that she is a bad pony. Meaning more insecurity among other things.
Third. Dude. The past no longer exists. It cannot be dealt with, only its consequences may be dealt with. And frankly speaking, how the fuck do you expect Twilight to be helpful in it?
7594382 All very interesting again. I think someone should pick up from society and inborn moral compass that bonds, altruism and forgiveness are right, self-centeredness wrong, and try to attain these things, though their fallen human nature prevents them. Sunset is just too focused on her bonds with Celestia and Twilight, her only equals. She might have had other friends in her first year. I guess I have made her relations with other ponies a little too superficial, I'll touch that up slightly.
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>I think someone should pick up from society.
A code of conduct aka morality may be taught this way. It is different from genuine altruism and does not contradict self-centeredness, actually some self-centeredness may help it work. It's also a quite weak motivator. However a lot of people live by it, reinforced with formal law and reputation consideration. Not everyone is able to develop genuine empathy, some have to live without it.
It mostly works. However, there is more than one morality code circulating in society. As an example, in my contry criminal community has its own moral code, and many people live by it. Doesn't make them any less of criminal. Even the codes acceptable for society as a whole may clash in borderline situations.
The theme of ethics is repeatedly brought up in philosophy (see relevant article in wikipedia for example), and since Sunset had a lot of philosophy studies, she may be quite versed in various options. This, however, raises an uncomfortable point that outside religion there is no unquestionable foundation for ethics, and even within religion only general outlines are unquestionable. Furthermore, religional foundation for ethics is external, i.e. such ethics is a code of conduct, even if formulated in terms of personal qualities. Personal qualities cannot be indoctrinated, but only picked up in personal experience.
>inborn moral compass
To my knowledge there isn't one, it is picked during growing up. And again, it is different from genuine empathy/altruism.
> I guess I have made her relations with other ponies a little too superficial
You made them non-existent beyond having few assets. That's actually OK, because it does not contradict canon to my knowledge and in this case Sunset's current personality makes sense. Of course, it shifts a lot of blame from Sunset, which I'm also quite OK with. Teachers and (substitute) parents are responsible for their children.
7595465 'Personal experience' includes the society Sunset was born in, which isn't a cave or a criminal gang, but one where she should be expected to see, and take to heart, that friendship, forgiveness and unselfishness are good things, leading her to develop bonds with Twilight and Celestia. But she hasn't entirely taken these things to heart, and that's her fault. Natural morality (A religious idea, and such a deep assumption in law and society that it shows our need for God) means that a sane person can be expected to tell good from evil, unless they wilfully and culpably suppress their knowledge. Sunset actually understands that it would be right for her to be open with her best friend, but can't accept the consequent blow to her ego.
>'Personal experience' includes the society Sunset was born in, which isn't a cave or a criminal gang, but one where she should be expected to see, and take to heart, that friendship, forgiveness and unselfishness are good things
Oh, she may understand it in her mind. It depends, of course, because any society is highly inhomogenouse, but let's roll with it.
However, an academical understanding, or understanding in one's head that some is a million light years away from actually developing such qualities. Understanding that they are good does not lead to their development. Practical experience does. And practical excercises are something Sunset couldn't have before Twilight come into picture. It is bond with Twilight that let Sunset develop some ability to relate, not other way around.
So, I completely disagree with this
> leading her to develop bonds with Twilight and Celestia.
> But she hasn't entirely taken these things to heart, and that's her fault.
>Natural morality means that a sane person can be expected to tell good from evil
First, even if natural it isn't inborn. That much even Bible doesn't assume (the Tree of Knowledge, anyone?)
Second, even if it's natural, different people still may have different views on it. (there is some contraversy even within christian churches and their views evolved)
And thirdly, morality has nothing to do with genuine personal qualities. Being moral does not mean being good and vice versa. Morality is just a set of rules, not a genuine feelings.
>a deep assumption in law and society that it shows our need for God
Quite a lot of people live with no God in their life, but are very good people. I personally know some such people. So, respectfully, this assumption is not supported by evidence.
>Sunset actually understands that it would be right for her to be open with her best friend, but can't accept the consequent blow to her ego.
Currently it reads differently. I put here my interpretation of what I read.
Sunset's actually understands that it is expected from her to be truthful with her only friend, but fails to see a reason to trouble Twilight with problems unrelated to current situation. Besides Sunset is plainly afraid to lose what she has. She also openly admitted to Twilight that she is a bad pony, so ego is not in effect here. Actually, at the moment if any ego ever existed, it is already completely destroyed by dear Celly, together with self-esteem and any hopes for future. Basically, Sunset is a ruined wreck, and if she ever recovers is a question with no clear answer. Destroying what little Sunset has is really a dick move from Celestia, and descent into madness is not surprising at all. Sunset may benefit greatly from good counceling, but first and foremost she needs protection from further destructive influence from Celestia. Who, mind you, may have best intentions in heart, but completely fails to implement them.
It seems that you wanted to write differently from what I read. Maybe I read it wrong, but I read what I read.
As a side note
>unselfishness
Careful her. (un)selfishness and (un)self-centeredness are not the same, one does not require another.
7595934 Yep, Sunset admitted under stress that she'd done some bad things, that was a good step. (Good enough that I may need to weaken it, thanks for the feedback) But her fight with Celestia is worse, as Twilight (and Sunset) respects her Princess so much. Admitting it is the final hurdle before accepting her deep present flaws and that Twilight and Celestia love her despite them. Sunset couldn't get over that hurdle herself, without Celestia giving her a push.
In Christianity, btw, God created humans as sinless, and still holds us to that standard, even after we've corrupted ourselves. Not unreasonably, as by repenting and letting Jesus take the punishment we deserve, we can be counted as sinless and meet it.
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Please, tell me, how you are going to deal with this
>Basically, Sunset is a ruined wreck, and if she ever recovers is a question with no clear answer.
I mean, why the fuck it was needed and what is the road to recovery.
Secondly, again. Are you trying to tell here, that dear Celly did a good job with Sunset and the only one in the fault is Sunset? I got an impression that it isn't so, but if it is, I should stop wasting our time.
>In Christianity, btw,
I belonged to this relegion in the past, you don't have to remind me the basics.
You know... this story was good in the opening, but...
...my interest waned. It did. I think it was at the end of Year 2 when I began to notice a few repeated errors in structure. It soured things. And then there's this interpretation of Celestia. Odd, and a bit offputting, at least for me.
I know you're trying to create an alternate timeline here, and while the attempt is appreciated, it started to feel like you were squeezing the characters into holes too small for them instead of just letting them fit where they needed to.
Does any of that make sense? I'm trying to convey why this is not so hot anymore to me.